Daylight stung my eyes, causing me to flinch before I moaned softly, arising from sleep only to still feel desperately exhausted and aching a little, as if I had ridden on horseback for an entire day. With a sudden flush, I recognised the irony in such an apt metaphor, for I had certain ridden something that night. Allowing time for my eyes to adjust, I grew accustomed to the feel of someone lying next to me, hearing their breaths and feeling the companionship of their warmth. When I opened my eyes, I discovered Porthos already awake, looking at me.
For a moment neither of us spoke a word, looking at one another in a dreamlike daze, sleep still clinging to our senses. Suddenly I was alert, eyes widening in realisation of what I had done, what we had done. Porthos realised it too, his own eyes opening with a start as we stared at one another in shock. Then slowly, a smile crept into the corners of Porthos's mouth, curling upwards until he chuckled. The bed shook a little as I gaped at his audacity to be taking this so lightly, but his laugh increased, and gradually, it seeped into me.
A giggle burst free before I clamped my mouth shut, but by then it was too late. Beaming, breathless, and laughing, Porthos and I came fully to our senses and recalled with perfect clarity the bridge we had crossed and burned together, meaning that there was indeed no going back. He turned onto his back, arm tucked under his head whilst the other strayed towards me, seeking my hand until he could squeeze it. Still smiling but flushed with embarrassment, I turned my face into the pillow and hid it from view.
Taking his as a challenge, Porthos rolled back onto his side and tugged at my protective shield, testing my resolve to keep it. When I refused to let it go, he laughed again. "Can't hide under there forever, sweetheart." He teased, taking to tracing his fingers down the length of my exposed spine even as I tried to grasp at the blanket to make myself modest. "Are you feeling alright?" Detecting the genuine concern, I allowed myself to lift the pillow a little to look at him.
"Yes," whispering timidly, my cheeks burned a bright crimson, so I hurriedly hid away again. "Would you…perhaps…find my clothes, please?" For a moment Porthos seemed to consider teasing me a little while longer, but must have decided against it because I felt him pull the blanket to cover me entirely then rocked himself off the bed, getting up and fetching our clothes. He made himself decent before bringing me my things, pressing lightly at my back before offering me the fabric which I hastily snatched and snaffled away under the blanket.
"Do you want me to leave?" He spoke quietly as I straightened myself, hoarding the blanket around my shoulders so that I could sit up and remain concealed, flushed and unable to meet Porthos as he crouched, trying to look at my face. Feeling my throat contract, I nodded. A flash of hurt pressed upon his expression which I witnessed out of the corner of my eye, and I hurried to correct any misunderstanding before it could be left unattended.
"Not-!" I gasped, voice breaking for the strain of it before I cleared my throat, forcing myself into some semblance of composure and dragged my gaze to fixate upon his. "Not because I am ashamed, you see, only…only I used all my courage last night, and now it is quite gone. I am not accustomed to being…undressed…in front of a man." Trying to explain as delicately but clearly as I could, I felt my cheeks burning so intensely I wondered that they might be on fire. A fierce mortification had locked its grip upon me, but I forced the words loose with one final command of courage. "Next time…I shall be braver." Speaking in earnest, I dared a look at Porthos who immediately released his hurt and grinned wolfishly.
"Next time?" He repeated and now I faltered at last, hiding my face within the blanket. Barking with a boisterous laugh, I felt his hand suddenly descend upon my head and ruffle at my hair. "Getting ahead of yourself there, darlin'." Despite his jesting, Porthos brought himself before me and kissed the top of my head, calling to me softly until I was able to raise my face from within the shadowy concealment of the blanket. He kissed me softly, angling his head to press his lips over the small scar I bore there, tugging upon it for a moment before he drew away smiling, and I was too. "I've got business that needs taking care of, but I'll find you later. Alright? We can talk more then…or other things." Blushing afresh, I hid my face with a squeak.
Porthos left cackling to himself, mightily pleased with his final tease upon my embarrassment. The moment the door closed I rushed to dress myself, rethreading the bodice so that I could pull the strings taught and tie them off from where he had broken them. Fresh memories hammered against my skull, every glance bringing back something new and devastatingly sinful, but oh so wonderful that I wanted to swoon and relive every moment of it. I looked to the sheets, tumbled and tangled, and swiftly stripped them to have them washed.
I tidied his room a little and even finished cleaning his pistols, setting them back to rights before placing them back on the table after having lain upon the floor all night. Then, I realised that I would have to leave this room. Would anyone see me? What about the stableboys? They would notice my horse in the stables, would they wonder how long it had been there? Would they guess I had spent the night here? A multitude of questions ravaged my mind, as the gradual realisation of what I had done once again settled itself upon me.
Strangely it did and did not feel like a loss. I was no longer a maiden, untouched by man. However, if one considered it in such a way, my body was covered in the evidence of a man's touch, even if it had not passed the borders of torturous to sacrilegious. My conscience battled against my heart, one warring against the other as I came to terms with my actions. I regretted nothing. Absolutely not. I merely accepted that this might lessen God's love for me, as I had given up my chastity, even if it was to the very best of men.
A strong urge to wash prompted me forwards. I did not feel unclean, not in that sense, but I could feel the evidence of my lost virginity dried against my legs, alongside other bodily fluids I dared not mention. I listened at the door and heard only silence, so I took the chance to steal away like a thief in the night, hiding my face with the loose folds of my hair. Thankfully no one saw me leave Porthos's room, and it seemed still early enough that there were very few people about. Only the early risers, and they were either at breakfast or attending to a morning duty and did not notice me cross the courtyard and fetch my horse. I left without a word to anyone, still somewhat in a daze all the way back to the palace. I had only just sank onto my bed when Cecila knocked at the door, announcing that she had breakfast for me.
I did not feel hungry, but I forced myself to rise and discard my outer garments to look as if I had just risen from bed, turning down the covers and making a dip in the pillow so that when Cecila entered, she did not notice anything strange. I asked for hot water and a large basin so that I might wash and she hurried to prepare it. I felt better for crouching in the hot water and sponging myself clean, focusing on my legs and intimate area. The sweet ache settled once the warmth had eased the discomfort, and I sat in the basin for a moment, contemplating, before all at once I burst into laughter.
Cecila called to me from the other side of the door, voice taut with confusion but I merely continued to laugh. Suddenly it was like I had thrown open a door and became flooded with light. I was gleeful. Exuberant. Like I had suddenly remembered that I was alive and not merely a shadow of a forgotten person I used to be. Suring upwards, I covered myself in a towel and moved with a lightness in my step I had forgotten I possessed. Everything was brighter and more beautiful, and as Cecila looked at me in astonished amazement, I pinched her cheek playfully before starting to sing merrily.
Why not embrace this change? Why not embrace everything all at once and choose to live life in happiness and love rather than faded melancholy? God forgive me, but I was a woman in love and I was not going to sacrifice anything more. Devil take my soul, but I would love Porthos entirely in every possible way, and nothing was going to convince me that such a thing was a sin.