Seven

Despite his first instinct being to find an appropriate table to cower under, Rimmer remained fixed in the corridor. His brain was filled with thoughts of the horrors that awaited his crewmates at the hand of the simulants.

By the time I get my hardlight drive back, they might be dead. But I can't get on Starbug and go after them until it comes back online! Besides, I don't even know if their ship is still nearby; they could be hundreds of light years away by now. Oh God, if I'm stuck on my own for the rest of eternity, I'll just be a walking ghost-

Rimmer had become so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn't realised he was now standing in the doorway of the drive room. He gazed at the charred console and singed seats, his breath hitching at the small amounts of blood decorating the floor. Any remnants of hope quickly disappeared as he bent down to examine Kryten's body, frayed wires hanging limply from his neck.

Biting his lip furiously, Rimmer gingerly took a seat and buried his head in his hands. Kryten is going to have a field day with this cleaning job.

Oohhh…did I get drunk or did I get drunk?

'ang on. I don't remember drinkin' anything!

Where the smeg am I?

Lister heard himself groan as his consciousness suddenly came alight. The floor beneath his face felt grainy and cold, but was soothing against his flushed skin. His head throbbed terribly, and a sudden wave of nausea in his throat made him quickly regret the decision to move. He was ashamed that he was unable to stop the sudden retching that followed.

"Aw, man, now that's disgustin'!"

Was that the Cat? Gasping, Lister forced himself to turn away from the remainders of his morning curry that were now splattered on the floor. He swallowed the remaining bile and forced himself to open his eyes. His retinas were greeted with a slimy grey wall, with small trails of a suspicious red substance stained in-between the ancient tiles. A quick twist of his limbs revealed he was bound hand and foot, and became silently grateful that he had kept his leather jacket on. Last thing I need is rope burns on me wrists.

"Hey, monkey! You still alive?"

Lister coughed as he rolled over to face Cat, who was seated against the opposite wall with disheveled hair and clothing. "Cat, man! You alright?"

Cat's lips began to quiver. "No, I'm not, man. They absolutely RUINED my hair! Plus I ain't go no hairspray left to fix it with!"

Lister made a quick decision not to mention that he didn't have any free hands to fix his hair with either. "Did they hurt ya anywhere else?"

The Cat shook his head. "I mean, my pride needs some mouth-to-mouth. Threw me on the floor right in front of Goalpost Head."

"Rimmer's not here, is he?"

"Of course not! Sprinted away faster than a guy who just swallowed a pack of laxatives."

That's good, at least. "His hard light drive should be back online soon anyway, so maybe he can come dig us out of this mess."

"How hard did they hit your head, Dormouse Cheeks? He's not comin'!" Cat shook his head with disbelief. "He's probably cowerin' under his hammond organ right now."

Lister opened his mouth to retort when a voice appeared: "Oh, sirs! I'm so glad you're both awake!"

Confused as to where Kryten's voice had suddenly appeared from, Lister shifted to see up the android's head perched on a broomstick at the far end of the cell. The faithful droid had some superficial damage, with one eye half-hanging from its socket, but otherwise looked acceptable considering the lack of a body. "Kryten! Are you alright, man?"

"I am functioning at optimal performance in spite of my…condition, sir."

"Don't suppose you've got any idea what's happened to us?"

"The obvious answer to that question, sir, is that we have been kidnapped," Kryten ignored Lister's scoff and continued. "From what little information I have, I believe we were abducted by simulants, though for what purpose I'm not sure."

"Well if they want my stylin' secrets, they'd have to REALLY mess me up before I talk!"

"Cat, you're seriously expecting them to torture ya about what sort of pants look good with a lumberjack shirt? Get real," Lister snorted. He involuntarily shivered, the motion sending him a reminder of his restraints. "Don't suppose anyone here is good in untyin' knots?"

Cat shook his head. "Don't look at me, buddy. Plus, I'd ruin my nails pickin' at that stuff."

Both men turned at the sound of Kryten's voice: "Sirs, I believe I may be able to unpick your bonds using my teeth."

The Cat snorted. "Man, have you lost all your bolts?! You're a freakin' robot lollipop!"

"Kryten, no offence man, but yer not exactly the equivalent of MacGyver," Lister sighed. "Then again, I ain't a MacGyver meself."

"But sirs, I assure you there's no harm in at least trying my suggestion!"

"Our pride'll be harmed," Cat murmured.

Lister could only sigh. He hated to agree with the android, but they had limited options. "Alright, Kryten, you win."

"Excellent! If you could just knock me onto the floor, sir, and we can proceed from there."

Lister began the long journey across the cell towards Kryten, pulling himself forward on his behind using his legs. Rimmer'd go bananas if he saw us doin' this. Now that he had fully returned to consciousness, he was becoming aware of the various injuries he'd sustained. His eye pounded periodically, and he was beginning to suspect the socket itself was broken. Every shuffle forward created a new painful sensation somewhere in his body, and he quickly regretted this decision.

Upon reaching Kryten's broomstick pedestal, Lister launched a semi-powerful kick at the handle, causing the item in question to tumble to the ground. A sickening crack where Kryten's head connected with the ground rang throughout the cell, and Lister instinctively cringed. "I didn't hurt ya, man, did I?"

"Not at all, sir, though I do suggest we proceed with haste."

Lister fumbled with the broomstick to drag the end with Kryten's head closer to his hands, his excitement regarding their potential escape quickly growing. James Bond, eat yer smeggin' heart out.