Nine

Rimmer ran his hand experimentally over the console. At the moment he only had use of the top half of the fingers on his left hand, but at this point, he didn't care. It was an appendage he could use, and it would be used to his advantage. Time to be ambidexteromous, or whatever that word is.

He decided to act quickly in case this was yet another temporary change. Logging into the console, his fingers danced across the screen as he set about obtaining some more information regarding the simulant ship. To his surprise, it was one of the biggest ships they'd come across for some time, and although it was half the size of Red Dwarf, it still possessed a decent amount of artillery. Stop lying to yourself, Rimmer. We have no guns whatsoever; therefore, any amount of guns is considered 'decent artillery'.

Rimmer quickly scanned the simulant ship, sighing with relief when he noticed there were only five simulates on board. There was the remote possibility that the computer was miscalculating the number of life signs - it had happened before, after all - but he chose to ignore that scenario. His anxiety was further relieved upon observing the three other life signs; one human(?), one felis sapien and one mechanoid. It's smeggin' fantastic that they're still alive, but I still need to get over there and save their arses.

It took three seconds for him to decide that he wasn't going to fly over in Red Dwarf. For starters, the ship was so slow that a snail on a skateboard would get there faster. There was also the problem of being blown up before he even got off to perform his trademark dashing rescue.

He growled silently as he felt his fingertips suddenly fall through the console screen, scrunching the hand into an agitated fist. In the midst of his anger, however, Rimmer realised that that had been the longest amount of time a part of him had remained solid since this nightmare began. Maybe my drive is starting to come back online already?

It seemed the universe was willing to prove him correct, as moments later he noticed the same unusual sensation in his right thumb. A quick tap to the screen elicited another smile as he leapt out of his seat, sprinting for the nearest elevator. I am NOT walking down fifty flights of stairs to get to Starbug, that's for sure…

"Kryten, man, I think we need to work on your understandin' of the word 'futile' when we get outta this."

"'ease 'ister 'ister 'ir!" Kryten dropped the ropes from his mouth. "I hardly think this is what humans would consider a 'futile' endeavour! We are attempting an escape!"

"And you've been practically chewin' me fingernails off for an hour instead!" Lister snapped. "Face it, man, we ain't gettin' anywhere with this."

The Cat rolled his eyes. "And it's taken you this long to work this out?"

Lister shot the feline a patronising glare. "Would you rather I let 'im try it on YER ropes and watch yer manicure disappear?"

A horrified screech from the Cat quickly proved Lister's point, and the latter shuffled himself towards the nearest wall, suppressing the urge to put his head through the concrete. The constant pulling and tugging Kryten had exerted on his bonds had achieved nothing but chafe his jacket and put chips in his what was left of his patience. They'd still heard nothing from their captors, and no one had been in to see them since they were first unceremoniously dumped in their cell.

Lister was beginning to wonder if he'd have to try another Houdini escape when the floor of the cell began to vibrate. He couldn't suppress the shiver that crept down his spine as the sound of metallic footsteps grew steadily louder. Rimmer, if yer gonna do somethin' heroic, we'd appreciate it right about now…

The doors of the cell were suddenly thrown open as three simulants forced their way inside, towering over the three prisoners. Lister recognised the first simulant as the one who had violently assaulted him in Red Dwarf's cockpit, and instantly felt a pit of dread form in his stomach.

"I trust you are finding your accomodation satisfactory?" The lead simulant spoke smoothly. "I do apologise if they are not to your liking, but all of our other rooms are full at the moment."

All three of the Dwarfers instantly threw their heads back and groaned.

"Not another group of Expanoids!" Kryten exclaimed. "I don't think my programming could handle anymore clichés."

The lead simulant appeared to take no notice of Kryten's comments, instead moving further into the room. He peered down towards Lister, a smirk beginning to appear on his face. "Greetings, Third Technician Lister-"

"Don't tell me yer name is Seven of Nine or somethin', mate. Gimmie somethin' original." Lister groaned.

Startled by the outburst, the smug expression fell away from the simulant's face. "Of course not!" He growled. "We don't do the Star Trek crap. We are far more creative with our naming." "

"Such as…?"

The simulant puffed his chest proudly. "I am XÆ-12, commander of this vessel-"

"Oh yeah, like that's any better," Lister snapped. "Just tell us what the hell you want with us."

XÆ-12 glared at the captives. "If you would like to continue your meaningless existence, you will cease this pointless outbursts!"

"Whatever you say, man." Lister muttered.

XÆ-12 raised his eyebrow. "You are surprisingly nonchalant about this situation."

"We've been kidnapped so many times, I've had to start packin' emergency underwear!" The Cat quipped. "Those knocks on the head don't do much good for bodily functions-"

"Cat?" Lister hissed. "Take my advice and shut it."

Choosing to ignore the squabbling prisoners, XÆ-12 crossed his arms and began to pace around the cell. "I recently had the pleasure of speaking with your commanding officer. He was a most…interesting senior official."

Lister's eyes instantly narrowed. "Leave Rimmer alone, ya twat."

"On the contrary, my friend! I intend to give him a…'heroes' welcome. But not at the present time," XÆ-12 consulted a device implanted into his wrist. "He has precisely four hours and thirty-two minutes to comply with my directions for your release."

"But we know yer not gonna release us," Lister's voice dripped with exasperation. "Yer gonna take whatever ransom he gives ya and then we'll all 'warp off' into space as you slaughter us in front of 'im."

"To be precise, sir," Kryten jumped in, "Expanoids are notorious for keeping their prisoners alive to torture for their sadistic pleasure. Death would be most welcome if we were to remain their captives."

All three of the simulants looked affronted, with XÆ-12's assistants quickly drawing weapons from their belts.

"Krytes, you really know the right things to say in every situation," Lister leaned his head against the wall, wishing he could throw the mechanoid's head out of the nearest airlock.

The Cat let out a screech and scrunched his eyes shut. "Please, not at my hair! Anywhere else!"

"Gentlemen, please!" XÆ-12 motioned for his crew to lower their weapons. "We can still remain civilised. It doesn't have to be like this-"

Lister let out another groan. "For the love of God, man, please stop with yer clichés! I'd prefer actual torture over this!"

"Don't say that word, man!" The Cat cried. "You know I can't handle it!"

A malicious grin slowly crept across XÆ-12's face. "I think that could be arranged." He motioned to his assistants, who stepped forward and grabbed Lister under the arms, forcing him to stand. The simulants were careless when severing the bonds around Lister's ankles, for the human let out a cry as the blade cut into his legs.

XÆ-12 snatched Lister by the chin, his nails digging into the human's flesh. "My assistants and I will demonstrate to you, Mister Lister, exactly how 'clichéd' our methods can be."

"You put this on yourself, bud!" The Cat sang. "If any of your blood gets on my clothes, you'll be wishin' they killed ya!"

"Do not fear, my friend. You will not be neglected; in fact, you'll be next." XÆ-12 motioned to his colleagues, who proceeded to give Lister a hard shove as they forced him out of the cell.

Lister gulped. Rimmer, we'd really appreciate that rescue…