Fourteen
Rimmer had only gotten a few metres before having to stop and readjust the dead weight on his shoulder, his head flinging back into a massive sneeze as one of Lister's dreadlocks irritated his face. I don't even want to know what is growing in these things…
"Ah, the legendary Ace Rimmer. This is indeed a glorious day for the Expanoids!" XÆ-12's gleeful voice reverberated throughout the corridor. The expanoid in question appeared from the darkness, arms clasped in a triumphant pose.
"I've been waiting for you, Mister Rimmer. We meet again at last," XÆ-12 grinned, ignoring the collective groans coming from Cat and Kryten. "When I left you, I was but the villain. Now I shall be the hero."
"Oh no, now they've resorted to using ancient Earth science fiction clichès!" Kryten wailed. "Sir, you have to accept the fact that we are most certainly doomed!"
Rimmer fought the urge to roll his eyes at the exapanoid, more so out of confusion rather than disgust at the lame Star Trek reference - at least, he thought it was Star Trek. He returned his attention to XÆ-12 and gave a slight quirk of his eyebrow, careful not to let knowledge slip about his current disability. Who the smeg is this loser anyway? I certainly don't remember him…
"Of course. You must forgive the melodramatic introduction," XÆ-12 gave a devilish grin, allowing his composure to slightly slip. "I just like using it to mess with new people."
Oh for smeg's sake - so I'm not supposed to know him. Rimmer felt exasperated. He could've disintegrated the man with the intensity of his glare in that moment, though his holographic brain was occupied furiously thinking of a solution to their current predicament. He unconsciously tensed as the closest expanoid loaded its weapon aggressively.
"You must forgive my soldiers, Mister Rimmer," XÆ-12 smirked. "We don't usually have guests onboard."
"If this is how you treat your guests, I'd hate to see what your friends put up with!" Cat gestured angrily at his ruined outfit, nearly dropping Kryten's head in the process.
XÆ-12 laughed heartily. "Your companions are most…entertaining, Mister Rimmer. It's a shame that we'll have to kill them for disobedience. After all, our guests are not permitted to leave the premises without an escort."
Rimmer backed up as the surrounding expanoids simultaneously lifted their weapons, pointing over his shoulder directly at the Cat. A few hours ago he wouldn't have worried about jumping in front, for the bullets would've passed through without any damage, but now it could go either way.
And he wasn't sure if he was willing to take that risk.
Especially for the Cat, of all people.
His conscience shifted towards the unconscious Lister, and how he would put his life on the line for that waste of oxygen. He couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt at his lack of regard for the Cat's life. He is a crew member, after all…As annoying as he may be-
"I swear the safety switch was on this side…" Cat muttered loudly, only to let out a yowl of surprise as the bazookoid activated.
Seizing the opportunity, Rimmer, slapped the bazookoid out of the feline's hands and aimed a shot towards the ceiling above XÆ-12's head, resuming his sprint with Lister in tow as a cloud of debris began to rain from above. He didn't bother checking through the dust to see if the Cat was following; he was more concerned about getting someone off this ship alive. Go go go go go-
"Hey! Wait for me, Goalpost Head!"
Smegging hell, he survived. Rimmer ignored the Cat and continued to make a beeline for Starbug, cringing as he heard XÆ-12's strangled scream of rage. "Hunt them down! BRING ME THEIR HEADS!"
Rimmer's holographic heart pounded as he thundered down the corridor, ducking and dodging as bullets whizzed sharply past his ears. He prayed that the Cat had been smart enough to follow him, for there was no way he could safely turn around to retrieve him. Smeg smeg smeg smeg smeg-
He quickly glanced down at his chest, dismayed to find that the patch directly in front of his light bee still remained red. If they hit that I'm completely fu-
Lister groaned and shuffled slightly, throwing Rimmer slightly off-balance. He had to pause momentarily to readjust his unconscious friend before pressing on, begging his brain to remember the path back to Starbug. The surrounding hallways were quickly filled with the ominous echoes of bullet ricochets and marching expanoids, creating a dizzying maze of sounds that Rimmer knew was intentional on their part. They want me to think I'll run into them if I turn the corner…
Once Starbug became visible in the distance, Rimmer felt his heroic composure slipping. Donning the persona once again had been entertaining, but all he wanted now was to get the hell off of this damn ship and fix his smegging light bee. This mute ghost act is getting really annoying.
To his surprise, the Cat managed to slip past him into Starbug, speedily opening the cargo doors and screeching as he sprinted for the cockpit, Kryten's head still tucked under his arm. "We're flyin' outta here faster than the damn space shuttle!"
Rimmer's fear was not eased by the Cat's declaration. Doesn't he know that TWO of those things blew up?! He felt the wig's grip on his scalp slipping as he hurriedly lowered Lister down into a seat, using one hand to secure his unconscious form while holding him up with his hard light elbow.
The hologram's fingers trembled as he struggled to secure his friend's seatbelt, with the roar of angry expands growing louder by the second. "Hurry up!" He mouthed over his shoulder at the Cat, waving at him furiously. If we get killed because of him, I swear…
The familiar sound of Starbug's engines rumbling to life filled his ears, with the ship moving so suddenly that he had no time to strap himself in, his body being thrown against the far back wall from the inertia. In other circumstances, he would've been grateful for the fact that no parts of his body were still passing through solid objects, but the explosion of pain in his back as he collided with a collection of disturbingly-metallic objects strongly said otherwise. I'll need to speak with Lister about removing the bazookoid rack elsewhere after all this…
"If it makes you feel any better, sir, I am also a victim of Mister Cat's rushed take-off procedure," Kryten voice rang out from beneath the dining table. "We really need to establish a better emergency takeoff procedure than what was just performed; after all, sir, unlike Mister Lister's dreadlocks, I'm not indestructible. It'll take me an hour to bang my head back into shape!"
Rimmer chose to ignore the droid's quips, and instead took a minute to silently reclaim the gasp of air that had been forced from his lungs. He ran a hair across his scalp, the hardlight sensors in his fingertips processing every single strand of what was left of his real hair; it took him a moment to locate the Ace wig, which had somehow been flung in an unrecognisable heap onto Starbug's control panel.
Forcing himself to his aching feet, Rimmer stumbled towards the cockpit, sinking wearily into the co-pilot's seat. I'm getting too old for this adventuring smeg-
Wait a minute…!
He caught a glimpse of himself in the cockpit's reflection, and although he was initially horrified by the new wrinkles he managed to spot on his forehead, he ignored them and glanced down at his body before he grinned. Holy smeg!
The familiar sapphire blue of his uniform shone in contrast to the muted colours of Starbug's surroundings.
He was about to stand up and reveal the news to the crew when the ship rocked, once again involuntarily launching his newly-restored body into uncomfortable objects. This time, the Cat was the unfortunate target, and pushed Rimmer away as the two crew members collided. "Don't you crinkle my suit, Goalpost Head! I ain't got my iron handy for the creases!"
Rimmer lay silently on the floor, bitterly nursing a bruised jaw and holographic laceration on his cheek as he extracted himself from beneath a metallic bar. How about you stop storing your spare suit racks in official JC Mining Ships?! It's a smegging OH&S hazard!
"Owww! I can't lose these morons!" Cat yowled in frustration, turning the ship hard to port as he attempted to dodge the expanoid's attacks.
Having had no time to stand, Rimmer accepted the inevitable and allowed the forces of the universe to toss him like a ragdoll. He gave a thankful prayer as he collided with Lister's stomach, gripping the younger man's shoulders in an attempt to steady himself. As least it was something bouncy this time-
"Mister Cat, sir! I would suggest ejecting some of the cargo hold contents in order to disorient our pursuers!" Kryten yelled, having been rolled around before settling beneath the control panel. "I recommend cargo hold three for our best chance of survival!"
"There's nothin' in that cargo hold, Bog Bot!" Cat retorted suspiciously. "Absolutely nothin'!"
You smegging furry little liar-
Kryten let out a spluttering noise of disbelief. "Sir, I performed the cargo audits only last week, and there were exactly two hundred and thirty-five containers in there! They would be perfect cannon fodder!"
"Well…well we can't get rid of them! C-Captain's orders!"
Rimmer wanted nothing more than to yell at both of his arguing crew members, his head rushing back and forth as he fought to keep up with the conversation. He'd once again forgotten his disability as he'd tried to recite another Space Core Directive at the Cat about disobeying a superior's orders, only to have to remain a silent witness to the confrontation. This is worse than having to wear a gag. At least then I could growl at these morons…
"Sir! What on earth could possibly be in there that you're not willing to risk our lives for?!"
"I've got all my winter outfits in there, bud!" The Cat retorted. "I ain't sacrificing my beauty standards for y'all!"
Rimmer could've strangled the feline. He grasped the Cat's chair with a new level of fury he didn't know he possessed, forcing the mongrel spin around from the console and gaze into his blazing holographic glare. If looks could kill, the Cat would have been disintegrated. DO! IT! He mouthed aggressively.
Without hesitation, the Cat slammed his palm on the required button. An audible thump came from the bowels of the ship as the containers were ejected, producing a whine of sadness from the Cat. "My clothes…"
Oh, put a sock in it, Othello. Rimmer leaned over the Cat, pressing the sequence of buttons required to launch the ship into hyperdrive. He fell back into the co-pilot's seat with a fresh wave of fatigue coursing through his body. I would appreciate the return to hardlight if I didn't feel like I'd been run over by a steamroller…
"You know, Goalpost Head, you can be intimidating sometimes," The Cat said quietly. "I don't know if you were worth exchanging for my winter suits though…"
Rimmer didn't acknowledge him. I know I wasn't worth saving, but Lister is.
"Mister Rimmer, sir!" Kryten called from the floor. "How is Mister Lister's condition?"
The hologram stopped massaging his jaw as he leaned towards Lister and lifted the unconscious man's head from its awkward position on his shoulder. His heart sunk as Lister failed to react, with no signs of life visible in his expression. Rimmer gently pressed two fingers to Lister's neck, waiting anxiously until he was satisfied he could feel the continuing thump of his friend's heart.
"Maybe it would be best if you lifted me onto the panel, sir," Kryten commented. "I can't perform a proper examination whilst staring at Mister Cat's heels."
"They are not heels, Plastic Percy!" The Cat whined, sniffing dramatically as he heaved Starbug around in the direction of Red Dwarf. "They are platform shoes!"
Ignoring the Cat's drama queen moment, Rimmer lifted the faithful droid's head and placed it on the control panel so that he faced Lister. Krypton's eyes bulged dramatically as he quickly surveyed the patient. "I must suggest that we proceed back to Red Dwarf with haste, sirs. I am concerned for Mister Lister and what damage has occurred to what is left of his braincells."
Rimmer stared at Lister's unconscious form silently. Hang on a bit longer, Listy…Please…