LABORATORY
What
Whaaaaaaat
WHAAAAAAATTTT
WHAT….THE….HELL!
Right at the point of understanding what had happened… before the base personnel rushed into the laboatory to secure the serious situation… Kaname, Sousuke, and the three witnesses all shouted exclamations. One or all could have participated in one or all of the exclamations. No one took notice of the profanity.
They were all too distracted.
"It was like an out of body experience at first," Kaname stated, when questioned by hospital internists and psychiatrists who arrived shortly after emergency claxons sounded. She scowled at Dr. Necesitter, who… despite being vigorously examined by medics himself… was trying to scribble down her ever word on any piece of paper or parchment he could dig up. There was a scientific paper in the making.
"Indeed," Sousuke corroborated. "I too felt as if I perceived the world from a location outside my physical body."
"An OBE is a form of autoscopy…literally 'seeing self'…although the term autoscopy more commonly refers to the pathological condition of seeing a second self, or doppelgänger." A base psychiatrist mentioned what he had been taught in residency.
"Yes," an internist said. He was a big fan of books on pseudo-science, and books on real science that seemed like pseudo-science to the uninitiated. "The term out-of-body experience was introduced in 1943 by G. N. M. Tyrrell in his book 'Apparitions', and was adopted by researchers as an alternative to belief-centric labels such as 'astral projection', 'soul travel', or 'spirit walking'."
"I believe that I was speaking." The psychiatrist sounded peeved. He stared down the young woman physician. "OBEs can be induced by brain traumas, sensory deprivation, near-death experiences, dissociative and psychedelic drugs, dehydration, sleep, and electrical stimulation of the brain."
"I didn't sleep much night thinking about this day," Kaname mentioned. "I didn't have anything to drink since yesterday, as instructed. Some kind of drug was put in my I.V. line. I nearly freaking died." It felt weird speaking in Sousuke's voice. What would it be like shouting in that voice:
"AND I HAD A GOOD BIT OF ELECTRIC STIMULATION OF MY BRAIN."
"That was a sedative," Miss Uumellmahaye said.
"Not much of one, apparently." The internist remarked. "I have some with me." She nodded towards her little black bag of pharmaceuticals.
"Not right now," the psychiatrist said sourly. "Neuroscientists and psychologists regard OBEs as dissociative experiences arising from different psychological and neurological factors. We don't want to mess with either of their brain chemistry any more at this moment." Intent on speaking about OBEs, he wandered away from the fact that Sousuke and Kaname had swapped their minds, if not their brains. They didn't feel like they were out of their bodies… they were out of their bodies. This is what happens when too many intellectuals are in the room.
"I agree," Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "Although, in this case the modality is more mechanical than psychiatric. Perhaps somewhat akin to magnetic stimulation of the brain, as with the God Helmet developed by Michael Persinger. Or, Electrical stimulation of the brain, particularly the temporoparietal junction. Hmmm. Maybe some offshoot of the accident caused direct stimulation of the vestibular cortex."
"Let's not forget the fact that sensory overload can cause OBE," Dr. Necessiter added, not to be outdone. "Sensory overload… the opposite of sensory deprivation… causes the brain to shut itself off from all sensory input causing confusion and this disorientation, often permitting the subject to experience vivid, ethereal out-of-body experiences."
"COULD SOMEONE GIVE THOSE TWO SCREW-UPS A SEDATIVE. PLEASE!"
Kaname looked like she was hyperventilating. Well, Sousuke's body, anyway. In a calmer voice she said "You two were there watching, right. Were we really were out of our bodies, somehow? I mean… oh… I don't even know what I mean."
"Indeed, in the fields of cognitive science and psychology OBEs are considered dissociative experiences arising from different psychological and neurological factors. Scientists consider the OBE to be an experience from a mental state, like a dream or an altered state of consciousness without recourse to the paranormal." The internist spoke as if he were lecturing medical students. "Writers within the fields of parapsychology and occultism have written that OBEs are not psychological and that a soul, spirit or subtle body can detach itself out of the body and visit distant locations. Out-of-the-body experiences were known during the Victorian period in spiritualist literature as 'travelling clairvoyance'."
"That's nonsense," the psychiatrist began. "That-" He was interrupted by Sousuke.
"I would like to hear this," he remarked. "With what Miss Chidori and I have been through, it would be foolish for us to ignore any possibility at this time. Although, I ask that you do not be overly dramatic or frightening in your description… he… I mean she… is in a fragile state. She often-"
"Well… thank… you… so… very… much… Sousuke…" Kaname tapped one of Sousuke's feet rapidly. "It's wonderful that you make me out to be some kind of psycho!" With each word that followed she stepped sharply on her own body's toes until she realized what she was actually doing. Her usual reactions would be self-destructive and self-defeating now, in a literal sense.
"The girl could certainly use a thorough work-up," the psychiatrist said.
"Tell me about it," the internist added. Turning to Kaname's body he said "Sylvan Muldoon embraced the concept of an etheric body to explain the OBE experience. The psychical researcher Ernesto Bozzano had also supported a similar view describing the phenomena of the OBE experience in terms of bilocation in which an 'etheric body' can release itself from the physical body in rare circumstances. In April 1977-"
"Do we really need all of the names and dates?" Kaname had developed mental antibodies against Sousuke's occasional geyser-like eruptions of errata. It seemed they reacted to too much information from anyone.
"I suppose not," the internist replied. To him, things sounded cooler that way. But, anything for his patients. "Once upon a time, a patient from Harborview Medical Center claimed to have experienced an out-of-body experience. During her OBE she claimed to have floated outside her body and outside of the hospital. She would later tell her social worker that during the OBE she had observed a tennis shoe on the third floor window ledge to the north side of the building. That social worker would go to the north wing of the building and by looking out of the window could see a tennis shoe on one of the ledges. The story has since been used in many paranormal books as evidence a spirit can leave the body."
"When Kaname hits me sometimes," Sousuke said to himself, "I sometimes feel like my soul is about to leave my body."
"Did you say something, Sousuke?" Kaname fought to keep her temper in check. She didn't want to bruise herself. She felt the need to lecture Sousuke right then and there about the sanctity of her body. He never took the best or safest care of himself, so maybe his own body didn't count. But, she was an athlete and always ate very well, keeping herself in tip top shape.
"I suggest you two kiss and make up," Dr. Necessiter said, carrying a metal dome with a chin strap on it. The dome was topped by something that looked a lot like a weather vane. A long cord connected the helmet to an intact piece of machinery.
"He means that literally," Dr. Hfuhruhurr said, carrying his own helmet. It was topped by something that resembled an anemometer. "You should give each other a long deep kiss. What an experience that would be."
"You could compare it later," Anne added. "When you both make-out in your real bodies."
"No doubt Kaname would say something like 'that will never happen with me and that melancholy military maniac'," Sousuke said, trying to keep Kaname from flying off the handle. Their emotions were supercharged and at the same time bottomed-out. The tension was quite palpable. He sounded somewhat depressed. Kaname stared at him. Was he truly sad saying that, or was it just a side effect?
"What are these… helmets… for?" Kaname wasn't too pleased to have Dr. Necessiter strap his on without a warning and without having asked permission. She looked over at Sousuke. She… he… was strapping it on himself, the big idiot.
"I have a rough idea of what might have happened," Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "Not how, necessarily… just what. And, I have a concern about the temporal nature of things. There may only be so much time before the switch is no longer reversible-"
"Assuming we can find some way to reverse things," Dr. Necessiter offered 'helpfully'.
"What they are trying to say," Anne said "Is that those devices will measure psionic impulses in your brains, including their level, and their rate of decay. While we have no references to compare them to, there are data points from computer simulations that can serve adequately."
The scientists worked on various machines… consulted numerous algorithms… and began recording signals from the transposed teenagers. All the while, they were debating the theory of the quantum mind, a group of hypotheses which propose that classical mechanics cannot explain consciousness.
"It posits that quantum mechanical phenomena, such as quantum entanglement and superposition, may play an important part in the brain's function and could contribute to form the basis of an explanation of consciousness." That was Dr. Necessiter, who was rummaging through cabinets looking for heavy metals in crystal form. "Quantum physics may provide an explanation to what happened to Miss Chidori and Mister Sagara."
'Those hypotheses of the quantum mind remain hypothetical speculation," Dr. Hfuhruhurr remarked. He was emptying out baskets and boxes of small parts made of glass and other transparent materials. "The hypotheses aren't based on empirical evidence. It is true that quantum mechanics is extremely strange, and on extremely small scales for short times, all sorts of weird things happen. And in fact, we can make weird quantum phenomena happen. But what quantum mechanics doesn't change about the universe is, if you want to change things, you still have to do something. You can't change the world by thinking about it." What he couldn't find in the containers, he began plucking off machinery, leaving sticky notes about what needed to be replaced.
"And you can't use quantum mechanics as an excuse for everything," Anne put it. "'Johnnie, where's your homework,' the teacher asks. The old answer was 'My dog ate it.' For the new age, the answer might be 'Quantum mechanics ate it'."
"I should write that down," Sousuke said, asking for a pen.
"Don't make me get quantum with you Mister," Kaname said. She didn't sound like she was joking.
The two gabbing scientists began working under dissecting microscopes to create two large pieces of jewelry out of cannibalized parts. They presented one to Kaname and one to Sousuke, asking them to slip them on. Both did.
"What is this ring for?" Kaname asked. "I remember seeing something like this when I was in America."
"I am not surprised," Dr. Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "What you know doubt saw were mood rings, or some other form of mood jewelry."
"Yes," Dr. Necessiter said. "And that is rather ironic, since the device you have there is much like a modern and magnificent mood ring, with advanced technology."
"Will it improve Kaname's mood?" Sousuke was curious, but hadn't thought things through before voicing his curiosity. He blinked rapidly when he heard Kaname growl. Its sounded far more ominous in his body's vocal utterances.
"A mood ring is a specialized liquid crystal thermometer, wearable on the finger," Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "The ring is typically ornamented with a gemstone…usually made of quartz or glass…which is either a clear capsule filled with thermochromic liquid crystal, a heat changing liquid, or has a thin sheet of liquid crystal sealed underneath. Changes in temperature cause the crystal to reflect different wavelengths of light which changes the color of the stone. The liquid crystal used in mood rings is usually set up to display a 'neutral' color at the average human skin temperature.
"That is correct," the psychiatrist confirmed, intruding into the conversation. "Most rings come with a color chart indicating the supposed mood of the wearer based upon the colors indicated on the ring. For example-"
"The psychobabble part is not as interesting as the science," the internist remarked. She had a collection of mood rings, among other iconic novelties. "The thermotropic liquid crystals inside of the stone or the band of the mood ring are usually made from a flat strip of liquid crystals with a protective coating. These crystals react to changes in temperature by twisting. The twisting changes their molecular structure, which alters the wavelengths of light or color that are reflected or absorbed. When the temperature of the liquid crystals changes so will their color and this is how mood rings work."
"Why thank you Mister Wizard," the psychiatrist said. "As I was saying, your mood is correlated with your body temperature. When you are stressed, cold blood is directed to the internal organs and away from the skin and the mood ring will turn a darker color. If you are happier or feeling passionate, the crystal will twist in another direction and start to change color as your body temperature increases. Therefore, there is a correlation with mood and your body temperature. So, to some degree, a mood ring can show your emotion."
"Horse shit," the internist swore. He missed the fact that Dr. Dr. Hfuhruhurr and Dr Necessiter were enjoying the heated exchange. Anne, not so much. She was motioning for some administrator types to clear the room. "There are other factors that can cause the mood ring to change that are unrelated to mood, such as such as just finishing a workout or having a hot bath."
"Looks like I will need to answer that question about colors," Anne said as the internist and psychiatrist were led from the room, sent back to their daily work. "The warmest temperature is violet, and the coolest temperature, black. So, moving from coolest to warmest… Black indicates fear, angst, a feeling of seriousness, being overworked, depressed. Yellow indicates anxiety, coolness, caution, distraction, mellowness. Orange means mixed feelings, confusion, upset, a state of being challenged, indignant. She continued through Green/Peridot… Green/Light Green… Blue-Green… Blue… Indigo/Dark Blue… Violet/Burgundy… and in some rings, Pink, which showed one to be very happy, affectionate, infatuated, and loving.
"The colors of your rings actually do have a significance," Dr. Necessiter said. "As you can see, your rings are both pink now."
"Told you," Dr. Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "Young love. The two of you are destined for one another. I hope you will invite us to your wedding. Feel free to have the wedding night without us. We owwwwwwwwwwwww-" Miss Uumellmahaye had ahold of his ear and was twisting it tighter than a pretzel.
"Pink is your current state of psionic energy," Dr. Necessiter continued with distraction. "The color will change in a series of colors similar to the ones that Miss Uumellmahaye noted, but it will have nothing to do with mood. Psionic emissions will change crystal orientation. To be safe, you should both be in this room again, when the color turns Green. I fear that nothing more can be done if the color turns Black."
"How much time do we have doctor," Kaname asked, hand at her mouth.
"I can't say for sure. Maybe twenty-four hours. Fourty-eight hours, tops. I would think less, if the color changes start to accelerate."
"But… how will you arrive at a solution…." Sousuke was shaken, a rarity for him. He only knew one thing in life. But, if things turned out for the worse, he could still use his skills to protect Kaname, if the Lambda Driver reacted to mind and not body… and if Kaname remained Whispered in his body.
"We-" Dr Dr. Hfuhruhurr walked over holding a cloth filled with ice to one ear. He stopped speaking when he saw the eyes in Sousuke's eyes roll back, and his hands grasp his head.
"Inversion of Heisenberg uncertainty principle… zero point fluctuation allowing energy transportation at superluminal speeds… wireless power transfer via strongly coupled magnetic resonances…" Kaname spoke through Sousuke's body, mirroring the time that he had first watched her suffering the mind-bending throws of the Whispers, the day that he had first piloted Arbalest. "I… what… I feel like such a freak…"
"It will be alright, Kaname." Sousuke held her hand… well his own hand… in a similar yet transposed act of sympathy and reassurance. He looked on with sudden annoyance as the two scientists ran about trying to put certain laboratory contraptions back in action. Anne too had gone from a concerned individual to someone who was feverishly working to align the radio telescopes. He felt a surge of anger and shouted:
"EXCUSE ME. THE EXPERIMENT IS OVER. IT IS TIME TO PUT THINGS BACK IN ORDER."
The three avid researchers sheepishly ceased their automatic actions and returned to his and the afflicted girl's sides. They all apologized.
"You're absolutely correct," Dr. Dr. Hfuhruhurr said. "And I think I know where we are going to get the necessary science to set things to right-"
"At least I hope we do," Dr. Necessiter said. "Her Whispers. Those words she just spoke. They may provide the clues and guidance that we need." He ran to a phone and called a couple of other Mithril scientist who were currently in the building, sharing their findings and theorems with medical and administrative personnel. Their insights and knowledge base could prove invaluable down here in the Dungeon.
"I'll call the best mechanical and neuropsychologic engineers in Tokyo… and anywhere close by…" Anne sprung into action, brushing past Dr. Necessiter who had picked up a large pad and a number of ballpoint pens. That man got busy writing as Anne started her phones calls and Kaname began spouting advanced scientific verbiage.
"Coherent absorbers… electromagnetic wave propagation… free space radiation…." Kaname began trembling this time. It's as if Sousuke's body was being struck by a disease for the first time, whereas her own body had long since adapted. "Conjugate matching condition… dependence of energy balance on signal phase… membrane-based antennas…." She fought hard to gain control of her consciousness. "Sousuke… emergency… I need your help… this is of utmost importance…"
"Kaname! What!" Sousuke looked around the room, his first thought being that they might be under physical attack. They were not. "Please… tell me… what must I do to help you find the solution."
"This is not about the solution, Sousuke. But, it's nearly as important. I need you to…." Kaname lost her brain-wrestling match with the Whispers. "Teleportation of energy by exploiting quantum dot and wire resonance via fluctuation of the entangled vacuum state of the quantum field."
"This is sounding like a scene from 'Ant-Man and the Wasp'," an arriving scientist said. He was promptly shushed. This was not movie trivia time.
"Sousuke… school… I can't miss it." Kaname fought the good fight again. She felt her barrier bending, soon to break. "Since you're me… you can't miss it…" She began coughing, and her eyes did their trick again. "Computer crunching of thousands of qubits via appropriate scalability, initialization, and coherence."
Dr Hfuhruhurr instructed another newcomer, a higher-level administrator who knew everybody who was anybody, to call a number of select Mithril scientists or sympathizers at various sites worldwide. "Find out if anyone has found a way to halt Whispers… pause Whispers… or prolong Whispers. We may need any or all of those options today." He thought a moment before continuing. "And… is there any way to start Whispers back up again when they stop…."
"Kaname," Sousuke asked, when her eyes cleared and her breathing returned to normal. "I don't understand. How can school be important, with all that has happened and everything that's at stake. Besides, we were given today off."
"Today was the last day I have, literally." Kaname sneezed, feeling a much greater propulsive force than she would in her own body. "I know that people don't usually fail a grade in Japan. I know that students are not supposed to be held back a year. But, I will be the exception… because of all of the time I missed when I was held in China and Viet Nam… if I miss another day before the end of this year. Please… you have to… temporal stability of estimated transfer operation… data processing by remote reference method… extreme anisotrophy requirement…."
The Whispers increased in length, frequency, and level of advanced scientific concepts. Dr. Necessity sent out a stat order for more pens. Anne had reached out to every engineer that she could, along with a large number of research facilities with equipment to spare, and scientific supply houses that would take credit over the telephone. She sat near Kaname, dabbing the Sousuke body's forehead with a cool cloth. Sousuke called Mithril with the latest update. He was in turn informed that a helicopter was on its way. He would need to stop by DaDanaan before returning to his apartment.
"Fluctuation dissipation theory… coherence properties of Casimir forces… heat transfer by evanescent electromagnetic waves…." Kaname showed no sign of stopping. "Sousuke… come hear… listen…" Kaname gathered the strength to turn, reach over, and whisper into Sousuke's ear. "At school… in my body… with everybody watching…." She suddenly spoke very loudly, causing Sousuke to start:
"NOTHING WEIRD… NOTHING DANGEROUS… DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"
"Sir, yes sir!" Sousuke answered by reflex and stood at attention.
"What do you think the chance is that the boy survives everything that happened here today-" Dr. Necessiter started. He drew a quick sketch of a skull-and-crossbones, followed by a tombstone sporting R.I.P.
"Only to die when Miss Chidori catches up with him again," Dr finished. He took a cold clothe and began dabbing at Sousuke's… Kaname's body's… forehead.
"I wonder if they will let us read eulogies at his funeral," Anne said. She had grown fond of Sousuke.
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HOSPITAL ROOFTOP
As Sousuke stood safely in the roof top doorway, a helicopter broke ECS camouflage.
Hair blowing in the wind kicked up by the spinning copter blades, Sousuke crouched slightly and ran, stumbling slightly as his Sousuke brain tried to usurp control of the Kaname body. He had yet figured out how to think thoughts, while letting the body run on muscle memory. If that even made scientific sense.
"Sergeant Sagara?" A Mithril tactical airman opened a large sliding door. He stared at Kaname's body, and cocked his head. He had not been clued in to the situation; he had merely been told that a Sergeant Sagara would need to be picked up on the Tokyo Neurological Center's roof. "Where is the Sergeant, miss?" He'd seen Sousuke's picture before. They had never served together.
"As strange as it may seem, that would be me," Sousuke replied. "That is my brain's rank, not this body's." That remark sounded overly mysteriously, and somewhat stupid. Unfortunately, being in Kaname's body did not curb his occasional react-before-you-think reactions. "Do not ask…." He climbed aboard the gray-colored Sikorsky SH-60Mi Goshawk.
"Yes." The airmen knew better than to push for information. This was a covert pick-up. His job was to mind the bird, not make friends or dig up things to talk about at the base cantina. "You sit forward… Sergeant. I'll be manning the minigun." He sat down on a swivel seat slaved to a GAU-17/A 7.62×51mm NATO six-barrel rotary machine gun, part of the surface warfare set-up. He motioned to another man, an airman would be responsible for anti-submarine warfare, including Mark 54 MAKO lightweight torpedoes. The pilots would be responsible for the FLIR, AGM 114 Hellfire missiles, and fuselage mounted machine guns.
"Got it," Sousuke said, still disturbed to hear Kaname's voice every time that he spoke. He couldn't fight the urge to look for her every time he heard that voice. "He walked to the front of the cabin, meeting the Co-pilot who came to check on the status of the pickup.
"Cuitie's here," the middle-aged man with a potbelly and handlebar mustache said. It was Gebo-3, Christopher Hugh Trevor Layton. "I can't believe what I'm seeing, but Hummer was right." Hummer… Urzu- 4… was the field commander of the Mithril helicopter corps.
A head leaned past the frame of the cockpit doorframe. That bald and tattooed head belonged to Ruslan Polovinkovich, Gebo-1. "Vybliadok… I cannot control myself… chollooy me huey." The rude slang was not lost on Sousuke.
"Of course," Sousuke said with a sigh. "It would be you two." Both men were known to him. Ruslan was cut from Mao's cloth, and Chris from Kurz's. They rode him heavily when he was in his own body. This flight would be a trial.
"Don't worry Sous ole boy-"Ruslan chuckled. "I mean, ole girl." Chris walked over, slapped his hand, and took his place at the right hand seat in the cockpit. "We'll treat you like a lady…."
"Life a sweet high school girl," Chris said, "So don't you worry. He frowned. "We promised the Captain. And the Lieutenant Commander."
"But you know how we treat high school girls," Ruslan quipped. That had both men laughing cheerfully. The pilot began running his pre-lift checklist. When things were ready, and Chris had reapplied the ECS, he put the copter in the air and began the trip to DaDanaan.
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HELICOPTER
"There will be no problem," Sousuke remarked after Chris radioed the TDD-1. "I am quite familiar with the comedy routine." Either one of them was a handful alone. Put the two of them together, and things became unpredictable. Depending on their mood, the pair might be quiet and polite, or loud and obnoxious. As it turned out, they would settle for annoying and mischievous.
"There we go!" Ruslan nodded his head, struck by inspiration. "Jokes! It's a long flight."
"Righto!" Chris blew his nose out one nostril, cleaned up the window a bit, and rubbed his hands together. "Ace idea, chaps."
"Shit." Sousuke knew what was coming. He had put his foot in it. He pulled the heavy coat he had been given tightly against him. The salt laden air was cold. He cursed under his breath. It took him a few tries to set the coat comfortably over his bosom.
"Hey Sid," Ruslan called back to one of the airmen. "You like jokes?" When the man answered 'yes,' he added "Don't be a peeeederus… jump in any time you want." That sly joke was lost on the English-speaking gunner.
"You got it!" The airman kept his mind on business, but would keep an ear out as well.
Sousuke thought about earplugs. He'd tried that once before. The devilish duo had resorted to speaking through an amplified set-up, loud enough to drown out the drone of the engines and the noise of the copter blades.
"This one was voted the funniest in the world… Sergeant Chidori." Chris laughed. "And the joke's pretty good too."
"Hah Hah!" Ruslan took out a long cigar… lit it… and started puffing away. He smiled seeing Chris bust out his dirty old Pez Dispenser. It was Elsa from 'Frozen'.
"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground," Chris began. "He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services-"
"So," Ruslan was comical, trying to sound like a guy from Jersey. "He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'"
"I know this one," Sid shouted out to be heard. "The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead'."
"That's right!" Chris said. "Then there is a silence… followed by the sound of a gunshot."
"The guy's voice comes back on the line," Ruslan added. "He says: 'OK, now what?'" He peered around the door, looking at Sousuke. "Get it. He made sure he was dead, alright."
"Wonderful," Sousuke said. He was tired. He closed his eyes. He doubted that sleep would come.
"Potselui meni v sraku," Ruslan said. He punctuated his disappointment with a fart. He began making the helicopter pitch and yaw, in rather abrupt and random fashion. "It is my turn, I think. "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather-" He paused for effect. "Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
"I never heard that one before," Sousuke griped. He heard that every time they flew together, joke night or not.
"Everyone a winner, right sweet cheeks." Chris blew Sousuke a kiss. "You got one Sid me boy?"
"You bet," Sid replied. "It's a bit long, but it's worth it." He could do accents, too. He had had a British girlfriend for a spell. "Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see'."
"I don't know this one," Chris said, listening intently. "The accent's balls up though, chap."
"'I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes' replies Watson'," Sid resumed. "'And what do you deduce from that?' Watson ponders for minute. 'Well… Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically'…."
"What do whores have to do with it," Ruslan blurted out. "Remember… we have a lady present."
"Relating to a horologe or horology," Sousuke said. "The science of measuring time."
"Not only one hell of a dreamboat," Chris piped up. "But smart, too! You'll make one hell of a wife one day."
Sousuke swallowed hard. That was a joke. But, to him, it was no laughing matter. If Kaname and the gaggle of scientists couldn't find a way to reverse things, he would remain in this body. Talk about a gender mix-up and a ticket to life-long psychiatry sessions.
"'Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three'," Sid continued. "'Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But… what does it tell you, Holmes?'" Holmes is silent for a moment and says-"
"I can guess!' Chris slapped his leg. "'Watson, you idiot!' he says. 'Someone has stolen our tent!' Jolly good! For a Yank…."
"Yes, for an American," Ruslan said, an evil glint in his eyes. No one could see, however. He had his helmet visor down. "Did you know that when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade… and twelve billion dollars… to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to three hundred degrees Celsius." He held off the punch line. "The Russians used a pencil." In that place and time, Ukraine was still part of the Soviet Union.
"That's only part in jest," Sid said, without taking offense. "Originally, NASA astronauts, like the Soviet cosmonauts, used pencils, according to NASA historians. In fact, NASA ordered thirty-four mechanical pencils from Houston's Tycam Engineering Manufacturing, Inc., in 1965. They paid $4,382.50 or $128.89 per pencil. When these prices became public, there was an outcry and NASA scrambled to find something cheaper for the astronauts to use."
"I know this story," Sousuke said, sitting a bit straighter, while deciding what to do with the hair that flopped over his face. Pushing it aside and spitting some out, he said "Pencils were not the best choice anyway." He ignored Ruslan who called him a Chatty Cathy. "The tips of pencils flaked and broke off, drifting in microgravity where they could potentially harm an astronaut or equipment. And pencils are flammable… a quality NASA very much wanted to avoid in onboard objects after the Apollo 1 fire."
"Right!" Sid picked up with the tale. "The Fisher Pen Company reportedly invested one million dollars to create what is now commonly known as the space pen. None of this investment money came from NASA's coffers… that agency only became involved after the pen was created. In 1965 Fisher patented a pen that could write upside-down, in frigid or roasting conditions … down to minus 50 degrees Fahrenheit or up to 400 degrees F… and even underwater or in other liquids. If too hot, though, the ink turned green instead of its normal blue."
"That same year, Fisher offered the AG-7 "Anti-Gravity" Space Pen to NASA," Sousuke remarked. "Because of the earlier mechanical pencil fiasco, NASA was hesitant. But, after testing the space pen intensively, the agency decided to use it on spaceflights beginning in 1967. Unlike most ballpoint pens, Fisher's pen does not rely on gravity to get the ink flowing-"
"Then how the fuck does it work?" Maurice, the other tactical airman joined the group. They were not on a combat mission, and were not searching for enemy submarines.
"The cartridge was pressurized with nitrogen at thirty-five pounds per square inch. This pressure pushes the ink toward the tungsten carbide ball at the pen's tip," Sousuke replied. "The ink, too, differs from that of other pens. Fisher used ink that stays a gel-like solid until the movement of the ballpoint turns it into a fluid. The pressurized nitrogen also prevents air from mixing with the ink so it cannot evaporate or oxidize."
"According to an Associated Press report from February 1968, NASA ordered four hundred of Fisher's antigravity ballpoint pens for the Apollo program," Sid said. "A year later, the Soviet Union… yes, you heard me right… the Russians… ordered one hundred pens and one thousand ink cartridges to use on their Soyuz space missions."
"Thanks the fuck for ruining a good joke," Ruslan griped. "Moje sudno na povitrianij podušci napovnene vuhrami?
"The space pen's mark on the Apollo program was not limited to facilitating writing in microgravity," Sousuke added. Perhaps this interesting conversation would put an end to the jokes. As such, he should continue. "According to the Fisher Space Pen Company, the Apollo 11 astronauts also used the pen to fix a broken arming switch, enabling their return to Earth."
"We never need to fix Russian arming switches," Ruslan aid. "But it appears that we need to fix joke night! Right, pretty face?"
"Yes!" Chris beamed.
"I was speaking to Miss Sagara," Ruslan said.
"Are we there yet," Sousuke said to himself, like a small child on a long car trip.
"Can I play, too?" That was Maurice. When he got the green light, he said "Which day of the week do fish hate?" He barely paused. "Fry day!" When no one said anything, he quickly added: "Let's go military. What do you call a monkey in a minefield?" Again, little pause. "A baboom! Hah hah hah! I got a million of them. Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other… 'do you know how to drive this'. Get it? A military tank!"
"Go! Now! To the back of the aircraft!" Ruslan made a rude hand gesture and then pointed aft. Maurice growled and made his way back to his console. "Fear not, my blue flower. We can now return to the clever jokes." The tone in his voice promised anything but.
"Oh no," Chris hung his head. He knew that tone of voice all too well.
"Why do ducks have webbed feet?" Ruslan asked. He answered himself. "To stamp out forest fires. And why do elephants have flat feet?" When no one answered, he said "To stamp out burning ducks!" He rubbed his belly. "That makes me think of Ukrainian roast duck. In Ukraine, a lot of families cook and serve ducks during New Year and Christmas holidays with great pleasure. In my family, we like to modernize the classic recipe for a duck by adding apples and new ingredients. A hint of sweetness goes well with poultry meat, and the apple stuffing and soy-honey glaze we will use today perfectly accentuate the rich taste of a duck and help its skin to caramelize and crisp up. The meat remains moist and tender inside, glorious brown outside, and very flavorful all over." The copter sank a bit in the air, when his thoughts wandered.
The sudden drop had Sousuke feeling like his stomach was trying to trade places with his brain. He swallowed hard. There had been more than enough swapping for one day.
"Combine ginger powder and cinnamon in a bowl," Ruslan continued. "Then add salt, honey, and soy sauce. Squeeze the juice from a lemon. At the end stir in olive oil …it will help to dissolve spices. The combination of these ingredients enables the meat to fully marinate and become succulent and flavorful. Wash the duck under running water and remove any missed feathers. Then remove giblets from duck cavity and-"
"Ahhemmmmm…" Chris made a finger across the neck gesture. "What the duck, man!" He looked at Sousuke. "But… I bet the senorita prefers to get goosed." He smiled when Sousuke gave him the bird. "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off…go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you'."
"Here, let me save you the trouble," Sousuke said with a deadpan drawl. "Sergeant Chidori. I bet you really like to monkey around."
"Who put a bee under her bonnet?" Chris asked.
"Probably the same person who put a pineapple up her ass." Ruslan flipped his visor up and said. "I know how to get it out! And it's not that fucking space pencil," he added quickly to Sid. "We just have to get him to laugh it out!"
"I got one, then." Chris said. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have twenty-four hours to live.' 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'."
"That-" Sousuke felt as if his heart was first in his throat, and then plummeted somewhere down in Kaname's nether regions. How much time did he and that girl have? He faced death on the battlefield with more composure than he felt now. For some reason, the jokes were really beginning to get his dander up now.
"My turn!" Sid had one. He was a golf fanatic. It was one reason he joined Mithril. Join the service. Visit different countries. Play different courses. "A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer."
Chris chimed in. "His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man'."
Ruslan took the joke home. "The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married thirty-five years'."
After that, for the remainder of the flight's duration, the jokes kept coming. The jokes, and the quips about Sousuke being a girl. It may have been the jokes. It may have been the stress of the day. Or, the mishap in the lab may have done something to reset Sousuke's emotional thermostat. But, like with Pompeii, no one saw the explosion coming.
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TUATHA DA DANAAN
After the copter was safely on the ground, the fuselage seemed to rock back and forth a bit before settling down. Kurz, standing just outside, said "If the copter's rockin,' don't bother knockin'!" He winced when Mao stepped hard on his foot and called him a dickhead.
Tessa fidgeted while she waited for the door to slide open. She felt a strange feeling when Sousuke jumped out, duffle nag slung over his… her… shoulder. That scene in general she had seen before. But, not with the blue hair and the breasts. Not with Kaname Chidori's face and body.
"Captain," Sousuke said. "Before we head inside. We have a medical emergency." He saw Maurice scamper off quickly from the corner of his eye. He glanced up briefly when DaDanaan's large hanger bay doors began to swing shut.
"What happened, Sousuke." Mao was all seriousness, now. "Did someone attack the chopper? Tessa, maybe we should get Kalinin on the com fast."
"Negative," Sousuke said. "I had an accident… three times, as it happens…" He nodded towards the cockpit area. "Gebo 1, Gebo 3, and airman Repp fell over and hit my elbows."
"Multiple times, Angel?" Kurz was safely out of range of the elbows.
"Affirmative," Sousuke said.
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A lot of material was taken directly from Wikipedia.