AN: Between FFn being a PITA, being on vaca, and then getting some devasting personal news, I never thought we'd get this update off the ground! I'm trying not to chapter dump; I want you to savor this one. Thanks to my team, my village, my people. Thank you.
In the weeks after collecting the rest of my things from my old apartment, taking myself off the lease, and returning my keys have been subdued. Emmett got me a part-time job as a glorified receptionist at the car dealership where he works. At twenty hours a week, I'm hardly making any money, but between the price Jake paid for all my old furniture and the fact that Rose and Em refuse to charge me rent, I'm still doing okay.
I keep my blog as updated as possible, but it's turning into more of a personal accounting of my life than a lifestyle blog. My subscribers have dwindled, not that I had that many before, but it's a noticeable tank. I'm not necessarily depressed, but I haven't been in a great mood. Thus, Rose has decided that we're going out tonight. Some local bar has live music, and she's tired of seeing me lie in the guest room in my pajamas, watching reruns of Bob's Burgers.
She's telling me, in very vague terms, about one of her clients with vaginismus. Our Uber driver seems horrified and keeps turning the radio up slightly as she talks about the condition where the vaginal muscles automatically tense, causing the vagina to be very narrow. Her client is struggling because she recently got married, and she hasn't been able to fully consummate the marriage.
Our driver finally drops us off, and I promise to give him five stars and all the compliments as I climb out in front of what turns out to be an upscale dive bar. Crowley's is a hipster-esque dive bar with plenty of local beers on tap and a cocktail menu that rivals any speakeasy. We find an empty table near the stage and order a couple of pale ale's and some potato skins.
"I'm glad we're doing this," Rose says as we wait for our drinks. "I couldn't take another night of you wallowing in bed."
"First of all, I'm not wallowing. Secondly, even if I was, aren't I allowed at this point? I mean, this has been a shitty year." My complaints fall on semi-deaf ears. Rose is understanding and supportive of the way life has been treating me lately, but she also is a silver lining type of person.
Totaled my car? Insurance paid out, and I bought a used car outright, and it's not even that old.
Laid off from my job? It's not what I want to do anyway, and I smelled like burnt coffee all the time.
My parents divorce? In the aftermath, even I can accept that they haven't been happy for years, and realizing that they both are completely different people and still in a vibrant time of their lives makes me happy that they're happy.
This whole thing with Jake and Emily? Well, I never loved him, and Emily was a hold-over friend from college I kept because I don't have a lot of friends. Rose wants me to get on some dating apps, but I don't think I'm ready or willing to go that route yet.
"I'm glad we're out. We haven't done this in a long time. And I want you to know how thankful I am that you and Emmett have taken me in. I truly do appreciate it." We share a look as our waitress drops off our beers and we say "cheers".
"You know it's not a problem, and if it ever becomes one, we'll talk. On that note, Emmett really wants to know if you'll make your mac and cheese." She rolls her eyes as she takes a sip.
Rose has never been handy in the kitchen unless it's opening a bottle of wine. Emmett is a decent cook, but he's really good at take-out. "I could arrange that."
"How's the job going?"
Sighing, I carefully think of how to answer her. "I don't want to say anything bad, especially since Emmett got me the job."
"It's terrible, I know. They've never needed a receptionist before." Rose tells me with a knowing look.
"It's just … boring? I mean, what am I doing all day? I could understand if it were like a luxury car or something like Tesla, but it's a Nissan dealership. They stay plenty busy without me directing calls." I drink some of my beer and immediately regret not getting something stronger.
"Look, it's just temporary. It doesn't have to be forever or even a long time, just enough to get you back on your feet." Rose glances around as we hear the band setting up.
Once our food comes, we chat about her work and nothing else really. Her parents and mine, her sister, and whether the couples on this season of The Ultimatum are going to make it work. Just before the band starts up, I order Rose and I something stronger, and we prepare for terrible music.
But as it turns out, the band is really great. They play a lot of covers that have a hard edge to them, and then a few original songs. The set is exciting, and I take pictures and videos of them as they play. When they take a break, I walk around the bar, snapping a few pics of the place because, all in all, I kinda love it here.
When we climb into our Uber to get home, I start posting away, tagging the bar and the band, hyping both up as much as possible. I had such a good time tonight, and right now, I'm in my absolute element. When Rose and I say goodnight, we decide to make this a weekly event, and I'm even more excited.
After I brush my teeth and drink some water, the buzz of the drinks and the evening still haven't faded. As I lie in bed, I wonder, Why can't I get on some dating apps? Where's the harm in having some fun? I certainly haven't been having fun this past year. Maybe it's time to get out of the woe is me stage and live a little.
I download the top three apps, and by the time I'm done setting up the third account, I can feel myself starting to drift off to sleep. I manage to plug my phone in before I conk out.
When I wake up in the morning, after I've had several cups of coffee, I finally check my phone. I sort of remembered that I had downloaded the apps, but it was a faint memory; one I was hoping would fade over the morning, and I would realize it was a dream. I have a couple of notifications from all three, mostly welcoming me to the app and offering me overviews on how best to use them to my desires.
It isn't until I start looking at profiles that I realize how monotonous this is. There's nothing interesting about reading someone's profile and making a decision based on a few lines and what they look like. It feels fake and superficial. It doesn't mean I don't swipe on some guys that pique my interest.
There's some guy named James who runs a doggy daycare, likes to ride his bike, and is looking for a relationship, but nothing too serious. Sure.
Then there's some dude named Mike who looks like a surfer, with a golden tanned body, sandy blond hair, and muscles … in every picture. It makes me wonder if he owns a shirt. Okay, why not?
I go through dozens of profiles but only saying yes to a few on each app. Mostly because I keep seeing the same faces over and over again. Is that how the game is played? You have to be everywhere all at once? It sounds absolutely exhausting. I swipe no on five or more profiles when I'm just about to pack it in for the day. That's when I see him.
Edward C. 42, male. 7.2 miles. Enjoys cooking at home, dinner out, and living life to the fullest. "It might be cliché, but I work hard, so I can play hard." Works in publishing. Take care of me and I'll take care of you. Every picture is of him in a suit, with only the last picture in what I would call "casual wear", and it's still clearly linen pants and a dress shirt.
He's handsome with high cheekbones, green eyes, and what looks like reddish-brown hair. With a little gray at the temples. He looks tall, 6'2" and lean. The casual picture shows off his body better: built arms and broad shoulders. I wonder if he has a six pack. I laugh as I swipe right. He's older than I would go for at 27, but he's hot, and I seriously doubt he'd ever swipe right on me.
Tossing my phone aside, I gather up my laundry and walk it down the hall to get started before heading to the store to get all the ingredients to make mac and cheese for dinner. It isn't until I get back home that I think about the potential matches and the fact that I left my phone, so I run to grab it after I put the groceries away.
I don't have any new matches, so I pull up my favorite playlist, go move my laundry, and decide to clean up. Rose and Emmett work hard, and they really only get to see each other in the evenings and on weekends. Right now, they're at a baby shower for one of her coworkers, so I'm going to clean the house, clean up my room, and make a nice dinner. I'm even going to set the table for them so they can eat together by themselves. I already texted Em all of this, and even though he said it wasn't necessary, I'm doing it anyway. I have a few hours before they'll be back, so I have plenty of time.
My afternoon flies by, and when I get a text from Rose, telling me that they're on their way, I put the finishing touches on everything and send her a picture. She gushes over text, and I know she appreciates the gesture. I leave their dish in the oven and take my own personal-sized one on a tray into my room with a portion of the salad I made and a glass of wine. I also got myself some snacks and filled up my water bottle because I plan on not leaving my room tonight.
I'm just starting season nine of Bob's Burgers when I hear a soft tap on my door. "Bella? Thank you so much for tonight, but you left your phone on the kitchen counter. It's been going off."
Scrambling out of bed, I open the door to find Rose standing with my phone in the palm of her hand and a shit-eating grin on her face. "Anything you want to tell me?"
"No." I reach for my phone, but she snatches it back.
"Are you sure?" She raises her eyebrows, and I laugh.
"Okay, fine. I downloaded some dating apps." I hold out my hand, and she hands it over.
"And apparently, you're popular now. Be sure to use protection," she tells me before sauntering away.
I close my door and sigh. I wasn't trying to hide it. I just would have told her if and when there was something to tell her. That's all. My dinner tray is on top of the dresser, but I grab the glass of wine that I've barely touched. I feel like I need it to get through whatever or whoever has been blowing up my phone.
When I open up the first app, I see that the surfer guy, Mike, immediately sent me a dick pick. I unmatch from him and move on. James also matched with me, but he wants to know if I want to come over tonight for "Netflix and Chill". Do people still use that term? I decline politely but ask him if he wants to go for a walk tomorrow. He reads it but doesn't respond.
When I open up the app, I see that Edward matched with me and sent me a message. I tap the inbox to open it, bracing for another unsolicited picture or a lame pick up line.
Edward: So, there's my baby.
I almost want to unmatch and delete all three apps off of my phone, but something compels me to engage. Maybe it's boredom or curiosity, but I take a deep breath before writing back that I'm right here, waiting for him.
The conversation is silly, with him calling me baby too many times for me to think it's just a generational pet name or something. He is 15 years older than me, but it's starting to get a little old and maybe slightly creepy.
When we talk about what we do and I mention that I saw on his profile that he was in publishing, he surprises me by telling me he owns a men's magazine.
Edward: It's called Real Men. I'm sure you've heard of it.
Of course, I've heard of it; some of my favorite male celebrities have graced the cover over the years.
Bella: So, you think you're a real man?
Edward: I don't think; I know.
He's a little cocky but immediately follows up that response with asking me about work and school. I give him a brief and bare explanation before he asks if I want to go back to school or if I really like the job I'm in now.
Bella: I think I'd love to go back to school but now isn't the right time. My current job is fine, but I'd love to really be working as a social media manager. I think I'm good at it, but I guess anyone with a phone could be.
Edward: … I wouldn't sell yourself short. So many people these days think they can just do something because it's easy. But you have to work hard at it and apply yourself. Don't give up on yourself.
His response is real and kind; I appreciate it and the manner it was delivered. When I thank him, he asks for a link to a recent social media post, and I share the one about Crowley's and the live band. Both the band and the bar liked and reposted my post, and it felt good to have them appreciate my effort.
I don't hear from Edward for a few minutes, but when he sends me a message, it's full of praise. I can feel a blush creeping up into my cheeks. I don't need validation, but it's nice when someone appreciates your work, and coming from a clearly successful businessman, it feels even more sweet.
Edward: I thought we'd make a perfect match when I saw your profile. Would you be interested in meeting for a meal and discussing the possibility of our relationship?
He's suddenly very formal, and even though we've been chatting for about an hour, I wonder if this is a good idea. I should have thought of this before we got to this point, but I quickly open my browser and google "Edward C Real Men magazine". News articles, the link for the Real Men website, a Wikipedia page, Reddit, and Google images tell me that Edward C is in fact Edward Cullen, owner, CEO, and publisher of the number one men's magazine in the country. Biting my lip, I toggle back to the app, trying to figure out how to ask him if he's the real deal or if I'm being catfished.
Bella: Why are you on this app? I'm sure a handsome, successful guy like you could get any woman he wants.
He reacts with a laughing emoji and tells me about how he always has a lot on his mind with work, and he likes to have a good distraction. He admits that he's a workaholic, so relationships like this are easiest for him.
Bella: Relationships like what? Something casual?
Edward: Let's meet face to face. You pick the place and time; I'll be there.
Even though I feel like he's dodging my question, I agree. He gives me his cell phone number and tells me to text him when I make up my mind. I agree, and we say goodnight. I spend the rest of the evening looking for restaurants that are fancy enough for a guy like Edward but won't make me regret ordering anything more than a house salad.
I can't decide on a place but decide to ask Rose's advice before I commit to anything with Edward. She'll probably want to help me pick out my clothes. Grabbing my phone, I send Edward a quick text, telling him that I'll confirm with him in the morning. I want to talk to my best friend and make sure I feel safe and that I'm not making a mistake.
Edward: Baby, you do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. Get some rest, and regardless, we'll talk tomorrow. He caps it off with a kiss emoji, and I can't help myself from sending one back to him before I plug in my phone, turn off the bedside light, and drift off to sleep.