Unforgiven Actions
A Merlin Fanfic
Summary: Merlin finally opens up about his past relationships.
Merlin laughed and joked with the knights as they rode through the forest. He watched as Arthur
rolled his eyes at something Gwaine said. He zoned out slightly seeing a Blue Jay fly past
him…they had been Will's favorite. His smile dropped thinking about Will. Will had been dead
for five years. No more inside jokes. No more of those goofy smiles. No more whispered I love
you's as they looked at the stars. Merlin would never forget the day he died, It was the worst day
of his life. It had taken everything in him to not stay. To not die in agony. Will had been his
solace. The one person who made him feel normal.
'Merlin' was snapped out of his thoughts by Arthur saying his name.
"Yes?"
"What on earth are you thinking about? You look as though you just saw a dog die." Arthur
asked Merlin laughed it off. Just thinking.
"Again about what?" Arthur asked curiously
Merlin shrugged "Just home."
Gwaine spoke up. "As in camelot? We were just there mate no need to be homesick already."
Gwaine jokes. Merlin shook his head
"Ealdor."
Arthur spoke up thoughtfully "You haven't been back since last time have you?" Merlin didn't
look up as he responded.
"No, I have not."
Memories are too painful, Merlin thought to himself. He had written to his mom every
week since Will died. She understood. That was just the type of relationship her and Merlin had.
Her feelings were not hurt by his lack of presence. Arthur however looked irritated.
"Merlin, your mother is single and getting older. You should go see her." Merlin rolled his
eyes smiling. Arthur had really grown to like his mom and thought of her as a mother of his own.
Merlin knew this is why he felt so strongly about this.
"That isn't the type of relationship my mother and I have Arthur. She knows it's painful for
me to go back there and she's ok with it. She's the one that sent me to Camelot in the first
place." Merlin pointed out. Arthur rolled his eyes.
"Eldor is on our way. We'll stop in." Merlin's eyes widened.
"That's not necessary." Arthur paused looking at him skeptically.
"Is there a reason you don't want to go?" For once Merlin could tell Arthur was actually
trying to be cautious of Merlin's feelings. Merlin sighed trying to decide how much to say.
"It's too painful." The rest of the knights got quiet. The teasing atmosphere was gone. He
could feel eyes on him.
"What do you mean it's too painful? To see your mother?" Arthur asked, genuinely
confused. Merlin shook his head struggling to find the words.
"No…it's…" He paused, not sure of how to say it without it being obvious. Merlin and WIll
had always kept their feelings under the radar of the people in the town. They had seen what
happened to people who were found out. The things they were called, the things that were done
to them. You learned quickly to keep those thoughts to yourself. Merlin had never spoken about
Will after the day he died. Partially because Arthur thought Will was a warlock, partially because
he didn't want his feelings to show when talking about him.
He looked up seeing Arthur watching home with a certain amount of concern. "Will. I
haven't been back since Will." Merlin couldn't even say the words out loud. Will was dead. He
couldn't-wouldn't say it. He couldn't imagine going to see Will's grave, going to see Will's mother
who would cry and hug him and talk about how much WIll had loved him. Will's sister who
looked far too much like Will for Merlin to handle. It was like a walking reminder.
None of the knights knew about Will. They hadn't been there. They didn't know who he
was. Merlin never talked about him. Arthur looked down, Arthur remembered. "I see. I'm sorry
Merlin. I hadn't thought about it." Merlin shrugged.
"Why would you? It was a long time ago. I'm surprised you remember."
Gwaine rode up next to Merlin. "So who's Will?" Gwaine asked, trying to ease the tension.
Merlin shrugged. "Just an old friend."
"Did the two of you have a falling out or something?" Gwaine teased lightly. Merlin wasn't
offended, but he also had no desire to talk about it.
"No no nothing like that."
"Then what happened for you to not want to see him anymore? You don't seem like a
grudge holder Merlin."
Merlin chuckled slightly. "Will probably would have said differently, but no not with you
guys at least." Merlin looked up at Gwaine, he knew Gwaine. Knew that Gwaine cared and that
Gwaine would never try to cause him unnecessary pain. Gwaine didn't know.
"Oh the two of you must be close." Gwaine said excited to learn more about Merlin.
Merlin was his best friend, but he knew very well Merlin was tight lipped about his life for
reasons Gwaine had never understood. Merlin's face changed ever so slightly. Gwaine saw it for
just a second before Merlin had gotten rid of it.
"Yeah, we were." Gwaine let it go, not asking any more questions. The other knights
must have caught on as well since no one else asked Merlin about Will. It wasn't missed by
Gwaine that Arthur had stopped talking altogether. Clearly deep in thought.
They had been riding for a few more hours. Small talk was back and the tension was
gone. Lancelot said something that made Percival laugh. Gwaine watched as Arthur
occasionally through perceptive glances at Merlin who refused to look over. Gwaine would have
to find out about that later. There was clearly something that Arthur and Merlin knew that the
rest of the knights had not been privy to. Gwaine was not one to be left out.
After dinner when everyone was talking Gwaine sat by Leon and asked quietly.
"So who's Will?" Leon looked surprised at the question.
"Why are you asking me?" Gwaine shrugged.
"You've been a knight the longest. You've known Merlin and Arthur the longest. Thought
if anyone knew it would be you." Leon nodded.
"I've known both of those guys a long time. Merlin has always been really quiet about his
life. I consider Merlin a good friend, but I couldn't really tell you anything about his life. I've never
met his family. I've never been to his town. I do know that Arthur went with Merlin to his
hometown when his mom showed up to ask Uther for help. Uther wouldn't do it so Arthur went
to help. It was a really quiet thing. No knights, just Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen." Gwaine
looked shocked.
"The witch came along?" Leon chuckled.
"She was actually quite lovely before whatever happened to her happened. I'm actually
pretty sure that her and Merlin had a thing. Never confirmed and I would never dare ask Merlin
about it, but the two of them were really close. They would have made a cute couple." Gwaine's
eyes were about to pop out of his head.
"Merlin and the witch? Merlin could do way better." Leon laughed.
"No, they were really cute. Both were very fierce and determined. Both stood up for the
ones who couldn't stand up for themselves. They weren't afraid of the King. I would never say it
to anyone, but I always had a lot of respect for the two of them. They could have been
unstoppable if she hadn't become evil." Gwaine listened closely. He wished he could have seen
it. He always wished Merlin had found someone to love. He had always wondered what kept the
man from finding someone.
"Is that why Merlin doesn't court anyone?" Leon sighed, smiling.
"You know I've always wondered the same thing. Merlin would have no shortage of
women if he would allow it. I've heard the whispers around the castle. All the ladies love Merlin,
but he just seems so uninterested. I've even heard from a few that Merlin turns them down."
Gwaine was shocked!
"What!" He spoke in a hush tone. Leon nodded amused.
"I can't imagine Merlin turning anyone down, but apparently he does." Gwaine laughed.
"I am learning so much about our friend tonight."
"What are the two of you laughing about over there!" Arthur called over smiling.
"Merlin, how could you not tell us what a heartbreaker you are!" Gwaine spoke through
laughter. Merlin scoffed as he watched the two.
"What are the two of you talking about?" He said through a smile. Arthur looked at Merlin
flabbergasted.
"Merlin! You two cannot be talking about Merlin! He can hardly talk when women are in
his presence."
Merlin watched amused as Gwaine and Leon explained all the ladies that were fond of
him. He couldn't deny it. He had to turn down many fine ladies. He just wasn't one for love
anymore. He had lost Will then he had lost Morgana and then he had lost Freya. He just
couldn't do it anymore. Love wasn't for him.
He chuckled, shaking his head as Arthur gaped at him as though he were a fish out of
water. "Merlin! How could you not have said anything? I had no idea you had so many suitors."
Merlin shrugged and laughed.
"They aren't my type." Arthur looked at him in disbelief.
"All the maids of the castle aren't your type? I had no idea you were so picky Merlin"
Merlin laughed once again. Finding the entire situation funny.
"It's not really me being picky. Love just doesn't interest me so I don't bother with it." The
knights watched curiously. Merlin had never spoken about love when it came to himself. Never
once. It was surprising to hear him talk about it and in such a strange way.
"What do you mean you have no interest?" Lancelot spoke up surprised. "I always
thought everyone wanted love." Merlin shrugged.
"I think once you've experienced it and then you lose it. It doesn't matter very much
anymore." Merlin shrugged away a thought. Lancelot watched in surprise and sadness.
"I never knew you had been in love." Merlin smiled sadly.
"There's not much to say I guess." Merlin shrugged, smiling sadly.
"When were you in love? I've known you for years and I never even knew you were in a
relationship." Gwaine spoke with a mixture of sadness and surprise in his voice. Merlin looked
up at Gwaine.
"It was long before I met you Gwaine. It was someone from Eldor. Then someone from
Camelot, and then someone passing through. Once you've lost love three times you kind of give
up. You realize love isn't for you." The knights grew quiet, absorbing what Merlin had said.
"From your hometown? Did I meet her when I visited!" Arthur asked bewildered. Merlin
sighed not quite knowing how this conversation would go.
"You did meet him. He saved your life." Merlin spoke quietly, not willing to look up. The
knights were all quiet. Had Merlin said he…
"Will?" Arthur asked quietly. His hands were folded against his chin as he thought. Merlin
nodded, eyes finally looking up. He could see the hurt and despair in his eyes. Not knowing
what Arthur was going to say.
"Yes." Both men were quiet. After a pause Arthur spoke again.
"I am so sorry Merlin. I can't imagine the pain you went through." His words clearly
affected Merlin. Merlin's eyes began to water. He looked so shocked.
"You…you don't hate me? You don't find me disgusting?" Arthur frowned, confused.
"Why would I find you disgusting?" Arthur asked, genuinely confused.
"Everyone does when they find out." All of the knights were confused. They stared at
Merlin who had a look of confusion at their lack of hatred.
"Merlin, why do you think we would hate you mate? You're our friend." Gwaine asked,
confused. Merlin shrugged as though it were obvious.
"It's a huge reason I don't have many friends. Once they found out I've been in love with
a man before…it didn't go well for me. It's one of the reasons I don't live in Ealdor anymore. My
mother wanted me to leave because she was scared about what would happen. Those types of
people aren't accepted." The knights watched sadly as Merlin spoke.
"You can't honestly think we would hate you over a preference right?" Lancelot asked.
Merlin was quiet.
"I've seen this happen to a lot of good men. Nothing shocks me anymore." The knight's
blood ran cold at Merlin's words. This means Merlin had witnessed bad things happen to people
like him before.
"I'm surprised you would fall in love with a wizard." Merlin was quiet as he stared at
Arthurn clearly contemplating.
"I don't see anything wrong with magic. Will using magic didn't bother me." Arthur felt his
heart clench at Merlin's words.
"Merlin, you know magic is evil. You have seen it first hand." Merlin shook his head
determined, but gentle.
"No, I have seen people misuse magic. Will was never one of those people. He saved
your life, remember? Will never used his magic for anything but good. Magic is a weapon,
completely based on its user. It is not good or evil." Arthur was confused at Merlin's words, but
Merlin continued.
"If I had known earlier about Morgana I really feel I could have helped her and she
probably would have never turned into the evil person she is today. It's all about intent. Will's
intentions were pure. Some people are even born with magic. It's what you choose to do with it."
Arthur frowned.
"If this is how you felt about magic why did you not say anything earlier?" Merlin snorted.
"I would most certainly not be alive right now if I had voiced those opinions. Uther kills
anyone who disagrees." Arthur nodded, he knew how his father had been before he died.
"Why not voice it to me though? I'm not my father." Merlin was quiet. He contemplated
what he would say to Arthur. He stared at him carefully observant.
"Do you want my honest answer?" Arthur nodded. Merlin sighed before speaking.
"It was the day Will died. I saw the way you looked at him. The hatred in your eyes. The
disgust, I didn't judge you for it because I know how you were raised, but it made me realize this
wasn't something I would be able to be honest with you about. You were so cold to Will as he
died. I knew that magic had hardened your heart. Not to mention what you said to me at Will's
funeral." Arthur frowned thinking.
"What did I say at the funeral?" Merlin took another breath clearly preparing for an
argument.
"You said I should have told you about Will. That I should not have kept this secret from
you. I will be completely honest Arthur the only reason I continued on as your servant during
that time was because of my Mother. My mother saw goodness in you. She knew that your
words had hurt me and that Will's death had left me broken, but she believed my destiny was
intertwined with yours. It took me a really long time to trust you after that."
Arthur sighed. His heart full of guilt. Looking back he knew how harsh he had come off.
He hadn't thanked Will for his sacrifice, he hadn't thanked him for saving the village, the only
thing he had done was not arrest him, which was mostly due to the fact that he was dying. He
knew he had been cold to Will in his last moments and that he had been cold to Merlin for many
days after. Which really stung knowing that Merlin had just lost his true love. No wonder Merlin
had been so quiet and detached after that. Arthur was surprised Merlin didn't hate him. He
would deserve it. And then on top of all of that to tell Merlin at his Lover's funeral that he should
have sold his lover out? How much colder could Arthur have been? Arthur had written off
Merlin's anger as sadness, but looking back Arthur could see how angry Merlin was at him and
Arthur couldn't blame him one bit.
"How do you not resent me?" Arthur asked genuinely curious. Merlin stared at him for a
long time. Clearly deciding what to say.
"It depends on the day. Usually around the anniversary of his death or our anniversary I
do resent you. It's hard for me to be nice and happy on those days. I do forgive you Arthur, but
some days it's hard to not remember the people I have lost either by your hand or by your
actions." Arthur was confused.
"You're acting as though I've hurt other people you loved." Merlin paused before
continuing.
"You have." The knights stiffened even more.
"Who else have I hurt?"
"Her name was Freya." Arthur clearly didn't know the name and Merlin didn't blame him.
She hadn't been human when Arthur had seen her.
"I don't recognize the name."
"She was cursed. At night she would transform into this winged beast. You killed her in
that state, which I don't blame you. I know that you were just doing what you thought was right,
but that one honestly hurt even more than Will. You were the one that stabbed her. I saw you
stab her." Merlin sounded so tired. He was trying to keep the anger out of his voice as he spoke.
He wasn't normally all that angry at Arthur, but when those memories resurfaced he couldn't
help his anger.
"The winged beast that attacked the city?" Merlin's jaw clenched at his words.
"She wasn't a 'winged beast' , she was a poor girl who had been cursed. She was
actually raped by a man and then she killed that man in self defense. When the mother found
out she had killed her disgusting son she cursed Freya." Merlin said tensely.
Arthur picked up on it immediately. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm truly sorry I
killed her. It sounds like an awful situation. I just didn't know. If I had known how much she
meant to you I never would have laid a hand on her." Merlin stared at Arthur, he could tell Arthur
was telling the truth and maybe it did help with the pain of his best friend killing someone he
loved, but it didn't change the fact she was dead. Merlin nodded his thanks to Arthur, finding
himself unable to speak.
"Was she the only woman you ever loved?" Gwaine asked gently. He wanted them to
move past Freya at least for now, clearly Merlin needed the reprieve. Merlin looked up a very
small smile coming to his face.
"No she wasn't." Gwaine's face became intrigued.
"You loved another? What was she like? Did I know her?" Gwaine asked enthusiastically.
He had always wanted Merlin to find someone. It was nice to know that at some point he had.
Merlin chuckled at his friend's enthusiasm. "You actually do know her."
All of the knights leaned in surprised.
"We all know her?" Leon asked, confused. Merlin nodded a strange look crossing his
face.
"Who is it?" Percival asked curiously.
"Morgana. Morgana was the first woman I ever loved." Merlin stared at the ground
waiting for the responses. The overall looks were that of shock, some were confused.
"How could you love the witch?" Gwaine asked, confused. Merlin's mouth twitched in
irritation. He usually never got mad at Gwaine, but calling someone he loved a witch was
pushing it.
"She wasn't evil before. When we were in love she was full of kindness, generosity, and
justice. She wouldn't let anyone be mistreated who didn't deserve it. She fought for those who
were accused of practicing magic. Always telling Uther that the crime did not match the
punishment, especially when there wasn't sufficient proof that they were actually practicing
magic. She came to Ealdor simply because we were friends. She risked her safety for people
she didn't know. She was everything I wanted to be and someone I cherished in my life." Merlin
spoke lost in thought. Memories of his Morgana flashing through his head. Every laugh. Every
smile, every knowing look she would throw at him when she was about to do something rash.
Everyone listened quietly. None of them knew Merlin could speak so poetically. Clearly
he had strong feelings for Morgana. It showed in the way he spoke about her. It was very
interesting to some of the knights who had only known Morgana after she was evil, they had
never met the version Merlin spoke of, but they wish they had. Arthur stared at Merlin sadly. He
remembered Morgana very well. He thought of that Morgana often, he often wished that
Morgana still lived somewhere within the current Morgana.
Leon had a soft look on his face. He remembered that version as well. He hadn't known
her nearly as well as Merlin and Arthur, but he always remembered her being kind and just. She
would scold Arthur when he bullied others. She never backed down from a challenge. He was
slightly proud to know he had been right that there was a connection between Merlin and
Morgana.
Arthur was quiet. Hundreds of memories ran through his head of Morgana. The Morgana
who had been his friend. A few ran through his head of Merlin and Morgana. He had never
given the two of them too much thought, but looking back he could see it clear as day now. The
longing looks, the bright smiles and laughter between the two. The brief touches. How could he
have been so stupid? Something ran through his head at that moment. His eyes widened.
"You saw Morgause take her didn't you?" Merlin slowly looked up at his King. Eyes full of sorrow
and dread. Eyes that were more tired than Arthur had ever seen.
"Yes…I was there." Merlin's eyes glazed over as he remembered that moment. Those
awful moments where he lost Morgana. He always knew that if she ever came back she
wouldn't be the same. That Morgause would poison her soul. Ruin her pure heart. He had
silently prayed that she would never be found. That he could remember the version he had
loved. Not that he could ever stop loving her. He never would stop loving her.
Arthur's eyes were sympathetic. Something that looked strange to Merlin.
"Merlin, I'm so sorry." Merlin laughed humorously. Arthur frowned, bewildered at Merlin's
behavior.
"What are you-"
"Oh Arthur, you have no clue!" Merlin couldn't stop laughing. The stress of that time
finally caught up to him. "I (laugh) betrayed her (laugh) she was never coming back." Merlin
finally caught his breath. The smile fading off of his face altogether. The knights were silent.
Merlin's behavior was scary to say the least. Nobody had ever seen him like this.
"What do you mean?" The confusion and fear for Merlin seeped into Arthur's tone. Merlin
stared at the ground. "Merlin." Merlin finally looked up staring at Arthur. His voice was void of
emotion.
"The curse was connected to Morgana. The only way that curse was going to be lifted
was if Morgana died. I poisoned her. I poisoned the woman I loved to save Camelot. You're
welcome." Merlin's tone was dry. The self loathing evident in his tone.
Arthur stayed very quiet as he absorbed Merlin's words. "It wasn't your fault."
Merlin scoffed glaring at Arthur. "Don't lie to me. It was absolutely my fault." Arthur
pushed back.
"No it wasn't. You made an impossible decision in impossible circumstances. You did
something that even I as the king do not know that I could do! This was not your fault Merlin!."
Arthur implored Merlin trying so hard to get him to believe him.
Merlin shook his head clearly angry. A scornful smile on his face. He jumped up pacing.
Needing to walk off anger before he took it out on his friends. "Do you not understand! I
RUINED her Arthur! She needed me and I poisoned her! Your sympathy should not be with me,
it should be with her. You should hate me!" Merlin's screams echoed in the forest. The knights
watched him. Merlin seemed to be slowly breaking down.
Arthur watched his friend sadly. Watched as he struggled. Arthur slowly stood up and
walked over to Merlin. He firmly put his hands on Merlin's shoulders effectively stopping his
pacing. He made sure Merlin was looking at him. "Listen to me. This was not your fault. None of
this has ever been your fault. You did what you thought was best. I would never hate you. There
is nothing you could ever do to make me hate you. You're my best friend." Arthur's voice was
low and quiet. It soothed Merlin. Merlin felt the tears fall from his eyes. His anger lessened at
Arthurs words.
"It's my fault Arthur. It's all my fault. I should have listened to her. She was scared and I
should have listened." Merlin's voice was broken. He was struggling to speak as the tears ran
down his cheeks. He aggressively wiped them away, not wanting to show weakness in front of
the others. Arthur squeezed his shoulders again, leaning in closer.
"Merlin, none of this is your fault. Morgana made her own choices. She followed
Morgause down a dark path. That is not your fault." Merlin shook his head laughing bitterly as
he stared at Arthur.
"She asked for my help Arthur. I thought I was helping, but I wasn't. I lied to her because
I thought it would keep her safe. I was wrong! She is lost because I was wrong!" Arthur firmly
pulled Merlin against him. Holding him close as he cried.
"It's not your fault. It's not your fault." Arthur repeated this until Merlin calmed down. The
knights slowly one by one came and held Merlin and Arthur close. While there were many
questions the only one that mattered is how do they help Merlin? Arthur and the Knights could
only hope that one day Merlin would share more with them and that he would be alright.
Author's Note: I really hope you like the story! Let me know if you have any requests and what
you thought of the story!