I do not own nor do I make profit off of Twilight. All rights belong to it's author Stephanie Meyer.
*deep breath*...Wow, okay let me start from the beginning. When I uploaded last, I logged out of with the intention of not opening it back up for a couple days...well a couple days quickly turned into a couple weeks. I kept my document open, adding to it here and there, but after the second week I had no intention of coming back. My depression is at the worst it's been all year and while I expected it to get better as it always does, it's lingering a bit. Because of this I found no joy in things that I once did, including this story and this community. When I saw that this story was "the worst of the worst" I decided on a break...and then I decided to just give up. No point in uploaded a story that's bad, well I thought it only polite to come back and tell everyone, but when I opened the document I was overwhelmed with support. Not only from reviews but private messages...you all really made me cry. The words of encouragement and kindness has left me so overwhelmed I honestly don't have any real words other than, thank you. I'm usually so good about responding to everyone but...I just don't know where to start and I really hope you all can forgive me for not responding to everyone but please know you touched me. My heart feels so full and not a minute has gone by since reading all your reviews and messages that I haven't shed a tear or stopped smiling. I've realized really quickly that not everyone is going to like what I post and that's okay.
I never believed this story was the "Worst of the Worst" so why am I letting someone tell me it is? I've gone over to this *community* and read their post over and over and still can't really understand why my story was added (They state your story is only added as a last resort if you don't respond to their reviews and fix you work, but I've never gotten a review from them) or what their end goal is, but I've realized...it doesn't matter. In the end, this is just a story I posted for fun and that's all this ever was intended for. I'm not publishing it and I'm not seeking compensation so why worry about what another person behind their computer cares (honestly who has that much time to care?!) In the end, I've decided that I started this story with the intention to finish it and that's what I'm going to do. I'm trying my best to find joy in the little things, although it's still hard for me. I feel stuck and a little angry at life, but there's nothing I can do but wake up and get out of bed.
Please be patient with me as I find my happiness and joy again, and please forgive me for this short chapter, I'm trying I really am. I know this chapters might feel a little rushed or a bit different, usually I'm able to write these in one go but spend a few minutes each days adding to it, so it might feel a bit choppy (and have a few more mistakes that normal). If you don't love it I understand. I spend so much time loving writing that it's a whole different world now that I don't, but I'm trying. To those who left me reviews, THANK YOU, I love each and every one of you and fully intend to start replying to reviews once again, and to those who sent me pirate messages THANK YOU! I see you, I appreciate you, and I will respond to you before next week. Speaking I have every intention of finishing out the month with an update next Sunday, so don't worry about me disappearing I will be back to update you with what Septembers schedule will look like.
I love each and every one of you and can't thank you enough with your kind words, you've lifted me off the floor when I couldn't do it myself and that's means the world to me. Please remember you are loved, you are wanted, and I'm so happy you're here.
Control
"You still want to go to Italy." Carlisle and Esme look at each other before answering,
"It's not that we really want to go; more like we have to." I place the tickets down and pick my spoon up again,
"You really don't have to do anything." Carlisle gives a gentle side shrug,
"You're correct, no one can make anyone do anything, but unfortunately...We need to do this." I sigh and take another bite of soup before reaching for a chip,
"This whole vampire government thing?"
"It's important that they approve," Esme answers, her voice so soft it sounds like she's talking to an injured animal,
"What if they don't?"
"That's why we have to go." I sigh, dropping my spoon, and lean back into my chair,
"What if I leave again? I don't think we have to go." Esme places her hand flat on the table and leans closer,
"Talk to me, what are you thinking?" I take a breath and look away,
"I don't know." I shrug, "I don't mean to be difficult."
"We know." Carlisle nods, "But you must talk to us so we can help you, I know things are a little confusing right now."
"Confusing?" I snap only to remember who I'm snapping at. "Sorry,"
"Mare there is one more thing we wanted to bring up to you," Esme says gently looking over to Carlisle, her lips slightly puckered. I wait for her to finish but instead, Carlisle reaches into his sweater pocket and pulls out a small brochure before sliding it over. I pick it up before dropping it back down onto the kitchen island.
"I don't need therapy." I scowl, offended they would even bring something like this up.
"I think you need someone to talk to who's completely biased," Carlisle says a hint of sadness in his voice, this only makes me laugh,
"What am I going to talk about?" I wipe the smirk off my face. "That I'm a girl from a whole other universe, comic book style, but now I'm here living in a house full of vampires that are actually book characters in the universe I'm from?" Esme frowns,
"Mare-"
"You could tell her about how your mother took you away from the only stable home you ever had." I swing around in my seat finding Edward, backpack in hand standing just outside the kitchen.
"When did you get here?"
"You could tell her about how your mother got so drunk one night you couldn't wake her for school and tried to walk yourself only to get lost."
"Edward-" Carlisle warns,
"That was one time." I interrupt,
"You could talk about the numerous amount of times your mother used you as a punching bag."
"She only did it when she was drunk, she would never-"
"but she did." I jump off the barstool my legs shaking on impact.
"Stop!"
"You could tell her how she ended your ice skating career, how your coaches had you training for both the women's Grand Prix and the Olympics, you could tell her how your mother took that all away from you."
"SHUT UP!"
"You could tell her about how for years you took care of your mother instead of her taking care of you, the child." I rush him hitting him as hard as I can in his chest,
"YOU DIDN'T KNOW HER!" I hit him over and over, as hard as I can until I pulled back in cold arms,
"That's enough," Carlisle's voice is harsh, "Edward go."
"YOU DIDN'T KNOW HER!" I shout, clawing at Carlisle's hands, "YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!"
"Go now, son!" Edward nods quickly turning around and leaving the kitchen,
"COME BACK!" Carlisle steps back pulling both of us farther into the kitchen, I kick and scratch, "Let go."
"Shhhhh, relax sweetheart. You're okay, just relax." Carlisle whispers into my ear, gently lowering us down to the floor, "It's okay."
"It's not," I try to push him away, "he shouldn't have said anything." I expect tears to fall, but at this point, I truly think I'm cried out,
"We're here Mare," Esme states bending down on the kitchen floor with Carlisle and me. She reaches forward to brush my hair back and I go limp in Carlisle's grasp just no longer having it in me to fight. Carlisle holds me closer and Esme just continues going back and forth from caressing my cheek and pushing my hair back. We sit like that for a moment before I finally speak,
"I'm not talking to anyone."
"Okay, okay, right now you don't have to talk to anyone," Carlisle agreed his voice soft and commanding, as if talking to an unruly child...or a psychotic one.
"I'm not talking to anyone ever, I'm not crazy."
"Therapy isn't for crazy people honey, but for right now, we'll drop it okay," Carlisle's fingers snake their way under my chin to force my eyes to his, "Therapy isn't for crazy people," he repeats.
"That's what crazy people say." Carlisle drops my hand and shakes his head trying to hide a smile,
"Oh, Mare." I relax my body a bit more letting myself melt more into Carlisle's embrace, he holds me a bit tighter, a silent reassurance that he's here and he's not letting go. We remain silent for a minute before I remember where this whole conversation started,
"So Italy?" Carlisle pulls me back a bit more his golden eyes meeting mine,
"If I could push this back I would, but there are things even I can't control." He sounds a little sad and I take a deep breath,
"Okay."
"Okay?" Esme asks,
"Okay." I nod, "I don't have much control here,"
"No Mare." Esme grabs my hand, giving it a good squeeze, "You will be as in control as you can be, both for this trip and here." She reaches up to hold my face gently, "You are safe, you are in control and you are loved, remember that, add that to the list Tanya gave you." I scrunch my brows,
"You know about that?" Esme smiles,
"Of course, who do you think told her to say it." I feel my dry eyes well up and quickly blink them away, "Mare, sweetheart, I love you, and whatever you need to feel more secure I'll do for you." My body moves before my mind does, my arms encircle her neck and immediately she does the same. I let her hold me like this for what feels like hours, but it can be no longer than a few minutes when she pulls me away and brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, "Do you feel a little better?" I nod before looking between both her and Carlisle,
"So Italy then."