What It Feels Like For A Girl

She couldn't explain why her soul craved the peace of the local cemetery, but before she knew it, Quinn ended up at Sara's grave and texted Marie to meet her there. "What is it about this place?" her mother-in-law mused out loud, approaching Quinn slowly. "I can always tell when Clay is going through something because I usually find him here."

"He misses her," said Quinn softly, gesturing at the grave with a shaking hand. "I can understand that. I'm sorry to call you all the way out here, but I didn't feel like I could talk to Sam and Lil about all of this…you know, considering." Quinn sniffled and swiped away her tears. "My mom was cremated, and I'm normally pretty good at feeling her around me. But today I just found myself wishing she was here. So, I came here to steal some of your hugs."

"Oh, honey." Marie embraced her tightly without a moment's hesitation. "There's no need to steal anything, hugs are abundant and for free around here."

"Lil said the same thing," Quinn sighed. "It's a strange feeling to be grateful to have this much support and yet still so…broken. I don't know how she does it after losing both her kids as adults. This one wasn't even born yet, and I feel so lost."

"It was a part of you," Marie reminded her. "It's only natural that losing a piece of your heart is going to be unbearable. Give yourself the grace of time."

"This is exactly what I came for," said Quinn fervently. "How are you so strong after being alone for so long? My dad died pretty young, too, and I still think how much she missed him was a big part of why my mom gave up when she got cancer. My sister Haley went through a bout of terrible depression after that. I don't think I truly understood the depth of that pain until today."

"Lean on your family, sweetheart," Marie advised. "You may think I'm strong now, but my kids are the only reason I survived when the plane crash happened. Life is incredibly unfair sometimes but knowing that doesn't make it ache any less." She paused, staring meaningfully at Quinn in a way that almost unnerved her. "You couldn't have done anything to save this baby. But if it makes you feel any better, you saved mine. Do you know just how close to giving up on life Clay was when he moved to Tree Hill? It almost killed me to see him like that, but as a mom you can never let that show."

"He described it as going off the rails professionally when we first started talking," Quinn told her. "I guessed it went deeper than that but the journey to getting Logan back was a huge curveball. I think after surviving a gunshot, it put walking away from a baby out of grief into perspective."

"He might never have stopped running away from the past if it wasn't for you," said Marie fervently. "Never underestimate your powers of persuasion. I'm pretty sure he would do anything for you at this point."

"That goes both ways," said Quinn faintly. "God, I'm so tired of crying. How long does it take to feel normal again?"

"If you figure that out, be sure to let me know." At the pained edge to Marie's voice, Quinn really looked at her for the first time. Clay's mother was staring at Sara's grave now, as if what she was about to say was too painful to speak about while meeting Quinn's gaze. "It wasn't a choice for there to be six years between Clay and his sisters. I miscarried once when the girls were three. I've never even told him that, I don't know if Lily and Petunia would remember. For a long time, it felt like I was being punished for my first babies being healthy twins. Clay probably thinks I'm overbearing sometimes, but it's because he really is my treasure."

"I'm so sorry," Quinn whispered. "So, are you telling me it's going to hurt forever?"

"It's going to stay with you forever," her mother-in-law corrected. "With time the pain might fade, but you won't ever forget the dreams you had for this baby. Nobody knows what the future holds, but this chapter will always be a part of your story. The sooner you accept that, the better you'll feel. Trust me on that."

"Right now it still hurts to breathe sometimes." Quinn sighed, her head drooping on Marie's shoulder. "Even though Logan forgave me, I feel awful about what I said. That's kind of why I ended up here. It's weird, but I felt like I owed Sara an apology. I never feel the need to live up to her, it doesn't make sense to feel so guilty now."

"She wouldn't hold this against you," Marie told her firmly. "It's a perfectly human reaction to such a tragic loss. Logan loves you so much, Quinn. We all do. You made this family complete. And like I said before, you saved my son's life. I will never be able to thank you enough for that."

"That's not going to help me stop crying," said Quinn in a choked voice. She dropped the flowers she had half-crushed in her trembling hands in front of Sara's grave and turned back to Marie, hugging her as if her life depended on it. Returning the fortifying embrace, Quinn's words sent Clay's mother hurtling back through time to her own life-changing loss.

August 2004 – Fifteen Years Earlier

There was no body to bury when the ill-fated American Airlines plane crashed and exploded, killing Ryan Evans and everyone else on board. On the day of the memorial service, Clay crept into his parents' bedroom to find his mother fiddling with a pearl string. He pushed the bedroom door shut behind him just in time to mask her shaky gasp and her head snapped up, teary eyes meeting his in the full-length mirror she faced. "I'm almost ready," she said waveringly. "It's this stupid clasp, my hands are shaking too much to get it shut."

"I've got it," said Clay softly, and Marie lifted her glossy red hair out of the way. When the necklace was secure, she looked at her son's reflection in the mirror, unable to face him.

"Thanks, love," she sighed, willing her voice not to break. "Is everyone ready to go? I didn't mean to take so long, I just…God, it hurts to even breathe."

"I know it does. Just relax, nobody's going to judge you for taking a minute. Why don't you sit down? Just take a breath, okay? We've got time."

Marie sank onto her bed, her chest heaving visibly with every shaky breath. "I can't get this whole thing to feel real," she whispered. "He was supposed to come home the way he always does. I don't want to be that sad little widow who just falls apart, you know? I'm better than that!"

"I don't think anyone is better than that, at least not today." Clay's arm slipped around her shoulders, pressing her so close it ached. But Marie didn't comment or move away, sensing that her son needed this as much as she did.

"How are you holding up?" she asked softly. "With college coming up, and now this curveball…it's a lot."

"I'm okay," said Clay too quickly. "And when I'm not, I have a lot of strong ladies around to make it better." He dropped a kiss to the top of her head, clenching the hand draped across her shoulders into a fist to stop it trembling. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, kid," she echoed, wiping her eyes with a quivering sigh. "I have to get it together before your Uncle Jon gets Granny and Pops here. This feeling is nothing compared to outliving your child. God, I can't even imagine."

"You've always been good at putting horrible things into perspective," said Clay admiringly. "We'll get through this, I promise."

"You still have each other," Marie told Quinn, when the latter's gentle touch brought her back to the graveside from her gloomy thoughts. "Take it from me, being able to share pain with someone is half the battle won. Whatever you do to heal from this, don't shut each other out. Remember that, and I fully believe you'll be alright."

Quinn sidled closer to her mother-in-law and put her arms around her, having found more solace, and understanding, surrounded by the dead than she had ever expected. Having each other was certainly not a small thing, indeed.

Back at his grandparents' house, Logan couldn't help being pre-occupied by Quinn's impulsive visit home. Lil had tried to distract him with helping her to bake, which he usually loved. But today he stirred the brownie batter distractedly, the sadness visible in his eyes. "What's on your mind, sweetheart?" she asked her grandson softly, prising the spoon from his grasp. "Stirring this slowly is as good as not doing it."

"Sorry," he murmured. "I just hope that Nana can help us as much as Mom thinks she can. We didn't tell Dad we were coming here today. I don't know why it had to be a secret. What do you think?"

Lil gazed at him in thoughtful silence for a moment. "I think," she said carefully; "your parents both have the same trouble talking about painful things because they try to protect each other from it. When both sides have that same tendency, it can make it harder to just admit that something is horribly painful and sad."

"How long does the sadness last?" her grandson asked, and she could hear the desperation in his voice. "As long as Mom is this sad, I keep feeling like she'll change her mind about me again. I don't want to lose her. I can't say that out loud, but my head keeps thinking about how the last time Dad was this broken he left me with you." Lil watched her grandson's lips quivering as all his most honest fears spilled out at once. "Staying with you and Grandpa was amazing, but I need them to be okay, that's it!"

"Would it make you feel better if we called your dad, so this visit isn't a secret anymore?" Lil suggested. "Maybe being honest about needing to visit will make you feel better. What do you think?"

"He's working," said Logan miserably. "Before we left Tree Hill, Mama Q said that everyone else deserves the super-agent, too. How can I interrupt that?"

"Not one of those clients is more important to him than you, honey. Let's be very clear on that," Lil told him firmly. "Even when you were a baby and he left you with us, working was just a way of running away from feeling big and horrible pain. It doesn't work, trust me."

Back in Tree Hill, Nathan's phone rang at that very moment to prove Lil's point. He answered it to find Clay's assistant on the phone sounding unusually concerned. "You need to go to Memphis," she said without pre-amble. "Clay just called me to say that one of his meetings ran long and he was so spaced out he missed his next one. I could have told him taking on new clients right now was a bad idea. You know he never drops the ball unless things are just too heavy."

"He really is too stubborn for his own good sometimes," Nathan groaned, allowing himself that brief complaint before sliding into professionalism. "Could you re-schedule the Memphis meeting? It's that young basketball player, right? I can handle that, no problem. I was that kid, you know."

"I can do that," Callie assured him. "Shall I book you a flight out there, too? Clay's going back to Raleigh tonight. I think his mother told him Quinn and Logan are with her."

"That makes sense," said Nathan distractedly. "Thanks, Callie. Let me know the flight details when you have them, I've got this covered."

Nathan hung up the call, frowning grimly and paced up the stairs to where Haley was putting away their clean laundry. "I'll be needing those," he said, motioning at a line-up of his best suits. "Apparently, Clay missed a meeting with a prospective client in Memphis. I have to go clean up the mess."

"That's not like him." Haley frowned; "I haven't seen Clay drop the ball on anything since your contract renewal six years ago. And that turned out for the best anyway."

"This one won't," said Nathan grimly. "I shouldn't have let him take this trip on, Haley. That's the whole point of there being two of us. I'll call you later, okay? I have to help him fix this." He walked out with a hastily packed bag in tow, leaving his stunned but very proud wife behind.

A/N This story really is just my self-therapy at this point, anyone enjoying it is a bonus xx