Wait And Watch

When the first trimester was safely behind them a few weeks later, Clay and Quinn took Logan back to Raleigh one weekend. "I'm having déjà vu for sure," Quinn groaned as they parked in front of Sam and Lil's house. "How is it that I barely got nauseous otherwise, but car journeys set me off so badly?"

"I don't know," Clay shrugged, squeezing her hand. "If it makes you feel better, you look beautiful anyway. Just think about how amazing it will feel to share the good news after everything we've been through."

"You're right," Quinn admitted. "I still don't know where you get all that hope and optimism, but I appreciate it." With a deep breath, she made her way up the steps to Sam and Lil's front door. As expected, Logan hurried around her to be the first to tackle his grandmother. Clay and Quinn watched Lil cling to her grandson for slightly longer than usual and patiently waited their turns.

"We know that feeling," Clay told her. "I don't know why, in my mind, coming back here was such a guilt trip for so long. It's good to be home, even if it is relatively soon. Are you sure you're not sick of us yet?"

"Very funny." Lil rolled her eyes half-heartedly and led him indoors. "Sam, the kids are home!" she called, turning to smile at them both. "I hope time has healed some of your pain. No one in this house can ever get sick of having you around. I wish you would get that through your head."

"I don't get called a knucklehead for nothing; it might take a minute." Clay hugged her tightly, only letting go when Quinn ran for the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. "Damn, I was wondering how long she could hold out for."

"Is she alright?" Lil asked, staring after Quinn in concern.

"She's fine," said Clay reassuringly. "Better than fine, actually. She'll kill me later for spilling the beans, but we have something to tell you."

"Is she pregnant again?" Lil guessed.

"Way to steal the thunder," Clay laughed, then nodded. "Yeah, in about six months, Logan gets to be a big brother."

"Oh honey, that's wonderful!" Lil was hugging him tightly when Quinn returned from the bathroom.

"You couldn't wait five more minutes?" she asked half-scoldingly. "Not fair!"

"She guessed," Clay shrugged, drawing her close the second she reached the bottom of the stairs. "Are you okay?"

"Never better." Quinn smiled, accepting a hug of her own from Lil. "You're the first to know after my sister," she informed her. "I needed some serious pep talks to start telling people this time. It's scary to hold on to hope after a loss."

"I know a little something about that myself." Lil shook her head firmly to dispel the sad thought. "I'm so happy for you, sweetheart." She turned to Clay again; "Have you told your mother yet?"

"Not even. When Quinn said you're the first to know, it's literally true." Clay couldn't help the fear creeping into his voice. "Not to say that you and Sam haven't been through hell, too…but somehow, with the terror of something going wrong, I couldn't get up the nerve to tell Mom yet. Is that crazy?"

"Of course not," said Lil firmly. "You've been through more absolute shit since you were eighteen than most people. Just try not to be afraid of joy, alright? You deserve this!"

"Hearing you swear will never cease to amaze me," Clay laughed. "Whether I deserved your forgiveness or not, I'm forever grateful to have got it."

"Where is this coming from?" Lil asked, leading him over to the couch. "You never needed our forgiveness, sweetie. It was hard for Logan to understand as a little kid, but we always knew why you stayed away. Lord knows I often question how Sam and I even survived losing both our children the way we did. It was a lot for everyone to deal with."

"I don't know," Clay sighed. "Sometimes I feel like Sara would have hated me for quitting. It's an irrational thought that never quite goes away. I never wanted to let her down. Logan means everything to me, and sometimes I can't imagine how I could have ever walked away from him." He shivered when Lil placed a soothing hand against his back. "Maybe the thought of new babies is bringing all this back up, I don't even know. You know I love him, right?"

"That was never once in question," said Sara's mother sternly. "We all do. Just think, you found someone who loved him like her own from the day they met. That is so special!"

"What's so special?" Quinn's voice chimed in, and Clay quickly wiped his eyes and looked up to see her slowly emerging down the stairs.

"You are, in fact," he informed her. "Are you okay? Where did you go?"

"You don't need to ask if I'm okay every five minutes, babe," Quinn told him, and Clay could feel her smiling when she lowered her head against his shoulder. "I was with Sam upstairs. I told him the good news."

"I guess we divided and conquered after all," said Clay fondly. "Lil was just doing the mom thing and talking me down from a silly guilt trip. Where's Logan?"

"Not letting his grandfather out of his sight, you know how he is," Quinn laughed. "Don't change the subject! What guilt trip are you on now?"

"The usual, leaving guilt and all that fun stuff," said Clay dismissively. Before he could say another word, Lil turned to him with wide eyes. "What's with that look?" he asked her.

"Wait, did you say babies?" she asked faintly. "As in plural?"

"You didn't mention that it's twins?" Quinn laughed at Clay's sheepish grin. "Funny duck!"

"I got side-tracked," he shrugged, hugging Lil close. "Yeah, actually. We just found out at our ten-week scan it's twins. Talk about compensation for losing one, huh? Send some good vibes into the universe for them, okay?"

"Oh my goodness," Lil gasped, smiling widely despite the tears in her eyes. "How fabulous for you!"

"This reaction is definitely like a warm-up round for telling my mother," Clay joked. "Are you okay?"

"Sure." Lil wiped her eyes hastily. "I'm just very proud of you, honey. You've come such a long way."

"Thank you," said Clay softly. "That means everything coming from you."

"We're rooting for you, kid," Lil assured him. "That's never going to change."

"You've just proved Quinn right for the thousandth time," Clay groaned. "She's never going to let this go now. Still waiting for the day that I can put all that self-loathing and anxiety down, damn."

"Don't hang on to all that on our account, sweetie," said Lil firmly. "I'm pretty sure I've told you this before, but all we ever wanted was for Logan to be happy. The same has always been true for you. Don't forget that, okay?"

"I'll try," Clay promised. Quinn's eyes were sparkling triumphantly, and he turned to her instead. "What are you smiling about now?"

"Can I please say I told you so?" she begged. "Again! This is why I love coming here. You might believe all my preaching someday with the parental higher powers at play."

"I feel attacked," Clay huffed, shaking his head at the pair of them. "Maybe I should go find my son. He's always on my side."

"Oh, I'm so hoping for at least one daughter," Quinn sighed. "You see what I have to live with? These two are champions at ganging up on me!"

"You love us," Clay reminded her, rising from the couch to search for Logan.

"Of course I do." Quinn nodded, smiling as he retreated. "With all my heart."

Two months later

On the day of Quinn's twenty-week ultrasound, Logan accompanied his parents to the hospital. He fidgeted nervously beside Clay in the waiting room until his father took his hand. "You doing alright, buddy?"

"The last time we were in hospital was really sad," Logan said softly. "I don't want anything bad to happen to Mama Q. Being back here makes me nervous."

Clay smiled at Quinn, who was peeling back the wrapper on a bar of chocolate. "If your mom eats that whole thing the way she tends to do lately, you might feel something that will make you less nervous."

"Do not mock me, Clay Evans!" Quinn snapped, hitting him lightly on the arm. "Mama needs her sugar fix."

"I'm not mocking you, sweetheart," he laughed. "Just waiting for the sugar to kick in. Let Logan sit next to you when it does, and he'll feel better."

"How come?" Logan pressed curiously. "What does sugar do?"

"The same thing it does to kids who aren't in their mommies' tummies anymore," said Clay. "It makes professional soccer players out of any baby. Just wait and see." A few minutes later, Quinn grimaced slightly, nodding when Clay glanced questioningly at her. "Right on cue," he said, swapping seats with Logan.

"Here," said Quinn softly, taking her son's hand and placing it against one side of her belly. "Feel that?"

"Wow," Logan gasped when something jabbed at his palm. "Was that a kick or a punch? This baby is fierce! That has to be a baby brother," he said hopefully.

"We'll find out soon enough," Clay reminded his son. Right on cue, a nurse beckoned Quinn into the examination room. She reached for Clay's hand, her fingers trembling desperately in his grasp. "It's going to be okay," he promised, stroking her hair with his free hand. "Don't forget to breathe."

"Breathe and listen to that," Logan added in an awed voice. "Is that their heartbeats?"

"I told you," Clay whispered triumphantly, listening to the twin rhythmic thuds as Quinn's eyes filled with tears. "I told you they would be fine."

"Why is the lady frowning then?" Logan asked, gesturing at the expression their ultrasound technician was too slow to conceal.

"Do you want to know the genders?" she asked. "That's the easy part; after that I have some not-so-good news."

"That sounds like a case of good news to mask bad news," said Clay suspiciously, gripping Quinn's hand tighter when she whimpered softly. She nodded shakily at the doctor, who turned the screen so that they could see it more clearly.

"The good news is you're having two baby girls," she informed them. "One of them appears perfectly healthy and on track for this stage in the pregnancy."

"One of them?" Quinn echoed nervously. "What about the other one?"

The expert gestured at the screen once more. "This is one baby's head, which looks normal," she said. Then she pointed further to the left; "It's the other one I'm worried about. See that swelling of the skull? It looks like one of your little girls has a condition called hydrocephalus. That's when an excess of spinal fluid builds up and gets trapped in the brain because the valves to drain it don't work right."

"That sounds serious," said Logan softly from somewhere behind Clay. "She looks like something out of a cartoon," he added, examining the image of the babies critically. "That is a giant head!"

"What can be done about it?" Clay demanded, trying not to flinch when Quinn squeezed his fingers tighter. "Is she going to be alright?"

"At the moment, all we can do is monitor her progress. It would give both the babies better chances of survival if we can hold off on delivering them for at least another nine or ten weeks. By twenty-nine weeks, both twins will likely be stronger, enough to live outside the womb. The longer your body can shelter them, the better. Twins are very often prematurely born; that time frame gives them a fighting chance. We can place a shunt surgically to drain the fluid as soon as she's born. It's risky but possible to wait and watch."

"Oh God," Quinn gasped. "This cannot be happening!"

"Wait and watch, she said," Clay murmured as if reminding himself as much as Quinn. "It could be worse than wait and watch. Maybe the swelling will go down?"

"How do you always do the optimism thing?" his wife demanded again. "Remember what I said when I told you I was pregnant? I really need you to help me believe in magic right now, okay? I'm so scared for our little girl. They both have to be okay!"

"I'm not so sure I can do that, Q," he confessed. "I already love her too much. The fear is kind of too big for a pep talk right now."

Quinn shivered and let the tears flow, raising her arm for Logan to curl protectively against her belly. "Wait and watch," she whispered, barely able to breathe around the lump in her throat. "Then let's go home and do exactly that, okay?"

"Dad?" Logan asked softly as they walked out to the parking lot. "Can Nana come and stay for a while? This feels really big. I think we need more magic hugs."

Clay glanced at Quinn questioningly. "What do you think?"

"I think the kid is very smart," she said fervently. "If you don't call her, I will. Haley can only take so much of this pain and suffering. I'm tired of hope feeling so fragile."

"I love you, Quinn." Logan ducked out from between his parents so she could curl into Clay's embrace. They walked like that all the way back to the car, clinging to hope by a delicate thread.

A/N As a preemie myself the climax of this story feels very personal, enjoy! xx