A/N: This is set post 6x03 and written for Densimber day 10.
She's fine. It's ok. Nothing's wrong. Maybe if Kensi repeats it enough, she'll start to believe it herself. The truth is, she's kind of a disaster right now.
Ever since the DOJ questioned her, it's like she just returned from Afghanistan. Before that, she'd almost gotten a handle on the nightmares and other symptoms. Or at least enough to function as an agent, and put on a good face for everyone.
Now, it almost feels like she was at square one again.
"Hey, you want to grab some dinner?" Deeks asks. She's so deep in her own thoughts, caught up in another place and time, that she jerks, jamming her knee into her desk. Kensi inwardly curses her overreaction.
"Geez Kens, are you ok?"
"I'm fine," she insists, almost reflexively. "I just thought everyone had already gone home by now.
"I was waiting for you," Deeks explains. Of course he was. She glances up; sees Deeks with his thumbs tucked into his front pockets, and realizes he's expecting a response.
"Uh, I think I'm just going to go home tonight. It's been a long couple of days, you know."
"Yeah." He's quiet for a few seconds, making her think that he's given up on dinner. She'd be horrible company anyway. "Kens, how are you doing? Really. I know the DOJ brought up some unpleasant things the other day."
"I can handle an interview, Deeks," she retorts, more harshly than she intended. Deeks doesn't back down though. He's spent enough time around her that he's not fazed by her prickliness.
"I know you can," he agrees softly, gentle. "But no one would fault you if talking about what happened to you in Afghanistan was difficult."
He pauses again, taking a few steps forward until he's standing right in front of her. There's no place to hide now.
"I can tell you haven't been sleeping well," he adds, and for some reason that tips her over the precipice she's clung to so hard.
Her eyes fill up with tears, and her throat closes with an unvoiced sob. Deeks pulls her into his arms, just like he had last time, his arms warm, comforting, solid. She pressed her face into his shoulder, to hide the tears trickling down her cheeks.
"It's ok," he murmurs, stroking his hands from the base of her neck to down her back. "I've got you."
"I keep dreaming that I'm in that cave again," she admits. With the confession, she feels a unexpected release, and the words start to come faster, almost beyond her control. "I just want to go back to normal, but I can't. I can't sleep, or stop remembering what it was like to be trapped like that."
"It's going to be rough for a while. I know that's not super helpful right now, but it'll start to get better eventually." His hand keeps stroking her back in a soft and even rhythm. Slowly, the tears and pain start to ease a little. "The memories will feel less vibrant, and you won't jump at every loud noise."
Kensi stills, realizing that he's speaking from his own experience.
"Oh god, Deeks, I didn't even think. I'm complaining about this after what you went through," she says, lifting her head to look him in the eye.
"Kensi, don't you dare apologize," Deeks tells her. "You were the one who told me we can't compare trauma, so don't underplay yours. We both went through really horrific experiences."
"How do I stop feeling like I'll never be the same?" she asks.
"I wish I had the answer." Deeks sighs, gently stroking her cheek. "I know that's not the answer you wanted, but it will get better."
"Promise you won't leave me." She hears how helpless, how completely vulnerable she sounds. For once she doesn't care though.
"I promise I'll be here with you every step of the way. If you can't sleep, or you just need to talk, I'm there. You just have to ask," he promises.
"Ok" she murmurs, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I got you." He holds her tightly, blocking out everything else, and for once, she believes it might be alright.