When Deeks came back 30 minutes later, he looked marginally better, but completely wrung out. He'd thrown on grey sweatpants and an old t-shirt that hung loosely on his frame. Suddenly he looked noticeably thinner to her, and she wondered if he'd been eating regularly.
"Hey, I got some food from that Italian place you like," she said, feeling unaccountably awkward. She'd felt the same last time, but she'd quickly pushed her discomfort aside in her concern for Deeks.
"I'm not really hungry," Deeks said, lowering himself onto the couch with an exhausted sigh.
"Deeks, you need to eat. Even if you don't feel like it, you'll feel better."
"Fine." He sighed, accepting a plate of reheated shells and cheese with green beans and a breadstick. Kensi settled opposite him with her own plate.
Since Deeks wasn't maintaining the conversation like usual, she found herself taking up the mantle and chattering away. She was halfway through a story about the time she ate half a family size bag of skittles, when Deeks made a small noise. It was the softest of sounds, but she stopped talking immediately.
His eyes were closed, jaw clenched so tightly the tendons were visible, brows drawn together in a wince while his fingers curled tightly around a handful of his sweats. He inhaled through his nose, quick little breaths that became increasingly short and uneven. Her heart sank as she recognized the clear signs of an oncoming panic attack.
Shoving her plate to the side, she dropped to her knees in front of him as he fought for control.
"Deeks, it's ok," she said, internally hating herself for saying such a stupid thing. Obviously everything was the farthest it could be from ok. "Deeks, do you hear me?" While she spoke, Kensi curled her fingers around his, squeezing lightly.
He nodded once, eyes still closed, and tried to inhale kore deeply.
"That's good, Deeks. I want you to focus on my hands, ok?" He nodded again, body shaking. "Good. Ok, breathe with me."
After several minutes, the tension in Deeks' body slowly eased, and he slumped against the couch. He cracked his eyes open, any lingering energy gone.
"Can I have some water?" he whispered.
"Of course." Kensi rushed off to get it, returning with a full glass of cool water and pain medication. Deeks accepted both without a word. His hand shook when he took the glass, so Kensi stood close by just in case until he emptied it.
When he was done, she set it to the side, sitting next to him.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I needed a revision on one of my implants," he explained softly, eyes dull and unfocused. "Because of the—the damage. Sometimes it hurts when I chew and," his tongue flicked out to lick his bottom lip. "It puts me right back there."
"Oh my god, Deeks. I'm so sorry," Kensi apologized. "If I'd known—"
"It's not your fault. I didn't tell you," he interrupted quickly.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Kensi couldn't completely hide the hurt in her voice. She'd thought he trusted her.
"It caught me off-guard." He lifted one shoulder in a tired shrug. "I thought I could handle it on my own. Besides, it's not exactly a good look if you're constantly falling apart."
"Deeks, we all care more about your well-being than your performance at work," she said. Deeks gave her a sad, bitter smile.
"I wish that were true. I'm lucky I got to stay this last time," he mused.
Kensi pushed down her outrage at the revelation; Deeks needed her support now. Confronting whoever had made him hide his symptoms out of fear for his job could wait until later.
"Well, if I have any say in it, you're not going anywhere. You just need to worry about taking care of yourself."
"I'm not so great at that," he murmured.
"That's why I'm here." Giving into impulse, Kensi brushed his bangs off his forehead. "Is there anything I can do?"
Deeks turned his head slightly, his eyes soft and vulnerable. "I've been having more nightmares again." She could tell how much the admission had taken. "Could you distract me like you did last time?"
"Anything," she agreed immediately. Leaning forward, she grabbed the remote off the coffee table and switched on the TV. "The first step in a Kensi Blye distraction scheme is good garbage television. So, do you want to watch Monster-in-Law or a rerun of the original 'Dark Shadows'?"
"Uh, second one," Deeks decided. He pushed himself more deeply into the cushions while she flipped through channels.
"Ooh, it's the 1890s era. The best ones in my opinion," she commented.
"Mm, definitely." She heard the hint of a smile in his voice.
A few minutes later, his head fell to her shoulder. She froze for a second, then when he didn't move, she rested her cheek against soft curls brushing her skin.