So, recently, I started getting into the isekai series So I'm a Spider, So What? While initially it had sod-all plot, the inner monologue of the main character, Kumoko, is wildly entertaining, and the plot actually developed a Westworld-esque conceit that really struck home. I did recently post a oneshot crossover with the Potterverse, D's Hallows, but I knew that, one day, I would eventually come to do a longer story. Indeed, I posted a number of challenges in the usual forums in case I never got around to doing them. This fic is based on one of them: 'So I'm a Familiar, So What?' In other words, Kumoko ends up on Earth, and becomes Harry's familiar.

Now, firstly, I should point out that gundamexia34 is doing their own take on the challenge, and I am aware of that, and we made sure our ideas wouldn't step on each other's toes. Secondly, this is a WBWL fic with James-bashing, BUT I have a very good in-story justification, beyond my usual one that James was, canonically, an arsehole of a bully at school. Thirdly, there are going to be major spoilers for So I'm a Spider, So What?, just as there was with D's Hallows. Fourthly, the title comes from an abortive Worm/Naruto crossover I intended to do ages ago.

On a tangential note, I've started to get into The Legend of Drizzt from the Forgotten Realms part of the Dungeons and Dragons franchise. Who wants to see me doing a story pairing Harry with Vierna Do'urden? I have a few ideas as to how I can pull it off, I just need to read more of the books first. It's risky, given that Drows are infamously nasty pieces of work, with Drizzt being one of the few exceptions, but I see the potential for Harry to get together with Drizzt's sister...

ZANINESS ENSUES!

CHAPTER 1:

A WRONG TURN AT SPACE-TIME ALBUQUERQUE

Nai wa…why does this keep happening to me? Oh, right, some self-proclaimed evil goddess calling herself D was responsible for my current life going down the crapper. How could I forget? I mean, she did phone me up, bold as brass, while talking with that scary armoured guy who couldn't speak my language…and it's not like I can speak Isekaiese.

Then again, I think this screw-up is at least partly my fault. I panicked, you see. I'd just come down off my high on beating that Earth Dragon Araba, when I felt something or someone teleporting in. I decided to teleport away, but, well…how do the Yanks put it? I done goofed.

I caught a glimpse of a small group of figures just before I was sent bouncing away through time and space like a pachinko ball. Turns out teleport spells don't mix well together. Who knew? Well, I DO NOW!

Even as I tumble through time and space, I'm sure I can hear D's laughter, mocking me. And falling through time and space, it's like that British show about the time-travelling alien. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a time machine in the shape of a police box about now. It's better than freefalling through a tunnel of colours like a rainbow puked into the cosmos!

Wait a moment…I feel something. Something…drawing me to it. Well, better that than falling through the cosmos for all eternity! Who knows what'll happen to me if I keep falling helplessly through it?

I reach out and grasp it with my magic, which was already down to little thanks to keeping me alive in this vortex. I find myself emerging…only to hit something and bounce! Like a baseball hitting a bat! By the time I regain some semblance of consciousness, I'm falling again…only, from the sky, and towards some old-fashioned village! Well, somewhere on the outskirts of it. There's a few trees here and there I could use to slow my fall with thread, but would it be enough?

Nai wa…why does this keep happening to me?

Hogsmeade. It was the only full wizarding settlement in the whole of Britain. Situated close to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it often played host to students and staff from that school, the former usually on designated weekends.

For many, it was a chance to go and buy treats. Some even used it for dates, or even trysts for the older students. And sometimes, discreet business could be done.

On the outskirts of the village was the Shrieking Shack, dubbed one of the most haunted places in Magical Britain. A ramshackle structure that, not so long ago, emanated horrific noises on a regular basis. Few knew the truth. And one of them was standing near the Shrieking Shack, speaking into a mobile phone, an oddity in this place where technology was mostly absent.

"…Are you fucking serious? He's still denying what he did?"

"Yes, and mind your language, young man."

The young man in question ran a hand through a messy thatch of black hair, briefly revealing an inflamed scar in the shape of a lightning bolt. He laughed mirthlessly, his emerald eyes tired-looking. "What, English?" he retorted. "I've heard worse out of Dora when she's tripped over something. Anyway, I know he killed my owl, Andromeda. I can't prove it, and it's not like I can gainsay the great Lord Potter, as he says she died of an illness, but he killed her. It's not like Archimedes was any competition for Hedwig, Charles picked his owl well. But…"

"…I know, Harry. Archimedes was a friend and confidant, and you can't replace him. He had an interesting personality for an owl. Plus, he looked so much like the one from The Sword in the Stone. But James Potter knows how to avoid being gainsayed. I remember how much of a bully he was back at school, and bullies often play the victim when their victims fight back. Dumbledore let him get away with too much, and then Snape too. Because we've secured you with us after he disowned you, what little he can do is petty cruelty. But there's no evidence, he has friends and influence in high places, and besides, he claims it was due to some attack on the owls at the Potter manor by a House Elf who was trying to stop Charles from going back to Hogwarts."

"So I heard," Harry said. "And there was that incident at King's Cross on September 1. I'd gone through by then, but of course, Charlie and Ron get frogmarched through, having crashed Arthur's modified car into the Whomping Willow, and they get off with a slap on the wrist. Honestly, if I did that, I'd be hauled up before the Wizengamot on breaching the Statute of Secrecy. They're lucky the Muggles thought that was just some weird tabloid stunt. And my ears are still ringing from that Weasley woman's Howler, and it's been nearly two months!"

"I get the point," Andromeda Tonks, Harry Potter's guardian, said dryly. "He's not been so bad lately, though, has he?"

"…No," Harry conceded reluctantly. "Less spoiled, though I think that's partly that Hermione girl's influence. Last year's given him a bit of a wake-up call. Then again, I think he actually does miss me. I might be able to forgive him, in time. But James Potter? Not unless he got on his hands and knees, and grovelled, and we know how likely that is to happen, especially sincerely."

"Fair enough. Now, I'm having a bit more luck investigating Lockhart. He can afford pretty good lawyers, but there's a lot of stuff that's causing me to smell a rat. And given what you said about his lessons, well, I'm honestly surprised he's qualified to teach DADA. That little club you started is something you should continue. Why the hell Dumbledore hired him, I have no idea, unless he was the only one stupid enough to think he could overcome that curse on the position. Dumbledore has been having trouble getting candidates to come forward, from what I've heard."

"A shame you've got your work in your firm, Andromeda, or you could make a good go at it. I mean, Dora gets her skills from somewhere, and while they may have disowned you, the Blacks taught you a lot about the Dark Arts, and defending against them comes from that."

"And give up the chance to make my foes foul their robes in the Wizengamot, or in Muggle courts for that matter?" A cackle reminiscent of her considerably more insane sister came up the line. "No thanks. It's more fun to scare adults than ickle baby students. See, Bella never understood that, if you're going to be sadistic, you channel it where it's needed by society. For me, that meant becoming a lawyer."

"Or if you're going to be a pedantic arsehole, you become a bureaucrat, which I'm sure where Percy Weasley is going to end up," Harry said with a sigh. "I swear, I could use the stick he's got up his arse to beat him to death with. Though he's got a relationship with that Clearwater girl. Ugh, it'd be sweet if he wasn't so obnoxious. I dunno how he can stand to be with her." His face fell. "How the hell could someone like him get a girlfriend? I haven't ever really gotten a girlfriend myself. I mean, I was disowned from the Potter family, and after the first couple of years…well, I've had enough."

"Harry, you won't necessarily find a girlfriend at Hogwarts, you could find one outside of it. There's sure to be someone who'd like you for who you are."

Harry scoffed. "It's not like they fall out of the sky."

And that's when something fell on him.

The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, something pinning him to it. He was somewhat dazed, and then, he heard a voice, that of a girl. "Ahh, itatsu…nai wa…watashi no hovercraft wa unagi de ippai desu…"

He blinked, even as he tried to clear the fuzziness from his head. Was the girl speaking Japanese? He looked up at what was lying on him, and stopped. And stared.

Because what was lying on him was a rather large spider.

It was the size of a large dog, mostly white in colour with a black rump. The foremost two legs were like wicked scythes, ready to cut through him and end his life. And eight pink eyes stared out from him from an inhuman face.

Spider and wizard stared at each other for a few seconds, before they screamed simultaneously. Harry was considerably quicker off the mark, though, firing off a wandless, silenced Depulsio that sent the arachnid crashing into a nearby tree. He scrambled to his feet, pulling his wand out and watching as the spider slid down, and shot him a look.

"Ittai nan da?!" screeched the girl's voice, seemingly in sync with the spider thrashing about.

"What the hell's your problem? Since when did Acromantulas drop down on people out of the sky?!" Harry yelped, wondering whether he should get ready to run. The spider wasn't as big as some Acromantulas he had heard of, but he didn't want to risk it.

But then, the spider stopped, and cocked its head. "…Nani?" he heard. And then, he heard something unexpected.

"…Are you speaking English?"

Harry blinked. The voice was the same girl's voice he had heard just before, but instead of speaking Japanese, she was speaking English. Accented, yes, but clearly English. "Yes. This is England…well, Scotland."

"Wait, what? Did you say England and Scotland? Really? As in…Earth?" The spider scurried forward eagerly, and Harry backed away, wand at the ready. "Hey! Don't run! Please! I…you're the first person I've been able to speak in, well, forever! And…and…uhh…" The spider sagged as if despondent, turning away from him, the scythe-like forearms rising to her head as if clutching it in dismay, and then quiet babbling in what could have been Japanese, much of it punctuated by the words 'nai wa', whatever that meant.

And that's when Harry came to an admittedly belated realisation. "…Are you the spider talking?"

"Uhh, yeah…" The spider turned around to face him, managing to look shy and sheepish, even with its inhuman features. After a few seconds, the voice said, "…So, this is…awkward…I…uh…it's been, like, a really long time since I spoke to another human. I don't think that Administrator guy counted, he only spoke Isekaiese, and ditto that D woman, and I don't think they were human anyway. And I'm so glad I took an advanced English course so I could watch movies and stuff without subtitles, and…I'm babbling. I mean, I didn't use to be like this, and yet…"

"What do you mean? How can a spider know English or Japanese for that matter?"

"…It's a long story. Short version is, I used to be human, used to be just an ordinary Japanese schoolgirl. I died, and was isekai'd into another world as a baby spider. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true."

"…Ee-seh-kyde?"

"…Isekai. It means 'other world'. It's basically fiction where someone ends up in another world, often through reincarnation there. Maybe you haven't heard of it, but it's a bit like…oh, you know the Narnia books? Like that." She seemed to sigh. "…Well, at least I'm back on Earth. No more stuck on that world, doomed to die. And…well, it's the first time I've had a conversation with someone for a long time. I…was a bit of a recluse. Which makes me a recluse spider, eh?" She sagged. "Ugh, that was a crappy joke, wasn't it? This is why I don't talk to people…"

Harry stared at the spider. For all of her terrifying looks, if that voice really was her, and not a figment of his imagination…well, apart from her initial actions, she hadn't done much to hurt him. And quite frankly, even if this was a trap or a prank, why the hell was she speaking Japanese? He didn't think the Weasley Twins would go to so much trouble.

Eventually, he kneeled in front of her, looking into her eyes. "Okay, well, look…I might know someone who can help you. You're lucky you didn't show up in front of Muggles. You know, those without magic. I'm pretty sure you are bigger than just about any spider known to science."

"…Wait, what? What do you mean those without magic? Am I still in an isekai world?"

"Umm, no, you're on Earth. It's 2002, nearly Halloween, but wizards and witches exist, albeit in secret. You probably didn't know about it because you were a Muggle…assuming your story is true. There's actually a magic school in that castle over there." He indicated Hogwarts in the distance.

The spider darted forward, and he could have sworn blind that an enraptured look came over her features. "Really?! Wow, that is so…wait, did you say 2002?"

"Uhh, yes."

"…So, I'm over ten years into the past," the spider said. "Nai wa…okay, time travel is not the weirdest thing I've had to deal with. It's kind of hard to top being isekai'd and reborn as a spider." She shook her head. "…Okay, never mind that for now. I'm either in the past, or in a parallel world. As long as it's not screwed like that other one…oh, right, I didn't get your name."

"I'm Harry Potter…well, it's practically Harry Tonks by now. Or Harry Evans, that's what I'm going to be changing it to by deed poll when I graduate. What about you?"

"Me? I'm Wakaba Hiiro…sorry, Hiiro Wakaba, I forget you guys put the given name first. Pleased to meet you!" the spider said. "Call me Hiiro, or maybe Kumoko?"

"…Kumoko?"

"Oh, right, 'kumo' or 'gumo' can mean 'spider' in Japanese, and 'ko' is a common ending for girl's names, and…oh I'm babbling again…"

Harry couldn't help but chuckle at her antics. "Hey, it's okay. It's good to meet you, Hiiro…"

CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:

So, Harry's met Kumoko, shortly before the end of the third volume of So I'm a Spider, So What? But how did she end up on Earth, over a decade into her past?

Okay, so, some things out of the way. Yes, this is a WBWL fic, with Harry in his sixth year, and the events of Year Two about to happen. Yes, James Potter is an arse, but there's actually a good explanation for that, apart from him being, well, an arse when a student in canon. Yes, Harry's been living with the Tonks family, as he has in at least another WBWL fic.

Now, to address some concerns some of you will be having. Firstly, Kumoko's personality. While she has the energetic inner monologue, once she interacts with other people, especially after getting an Arachne body, she is considerably more subdued and stoic. Now, the reason why she's more…energetic in this chapter is because Harry is speaking with her inner monologue due to a familiar bond. Besides, this version of Kumoko was lucky to have met Harry, and after the initial misunderstanding, she's actually relieved to meet someone who not only doesn't want her dead on meeting her, so she lets something of her inner self slip through.

This means that, by the time she gets an Arachne body, Kumoko will be in a far healthier headspace than her canon self. She'll be better adjusted, better able to communicate, and while she will still be publicly rather stoic and withdrawn, in other scenarios, she'll be closer to her goofy and vivacious inner self.

Secondly, how can Kumoko speak English so well for a former Japanese teenager? Simple. D could, and never bothered to remove that knowledge. She left it there and put in a flimsy but plausible justification as to why, knowing it wouldn't be useful in the other world. She did remove any ability to speak the language of the other world, though, because D's a bitch like that.

Also, while looking for Japanese phrases for Kumoko to speak via Wiktionary, I found a translation of a certain famous joke, which I'm sure some of you at least have spotted.

No numbered annotations this time.