Sam felt weird
but not bad weird
like he was watching his life go by in a movie, everything that happened to him and he wasn't really a part of it. He remembered Mr Simmons giving them a ride home, even stopping at the diner to grab some dinner for them. He remembered Dean lecturing him and he just didn't care.
and he didn't feel the pain, not even when going to the bathroom. Sam felt like he was in a haze of nothingness.
he did feel the anguish that washed over him as the night went on, as he lied awake in bed staring at the ceiling watching the seconds pass by each one forboding the coming dread.
Dean was mad about the interaction with Mr Simmons that day. Sam didn't care. Who gives a crap if he's rude to his teacher it's not like they would stay around for it to matter. Dean got in trouble all the time so who was he to call Sam out? Dean didn't know what it was like, the voice, the smell, the-
'The grunt that followed every thrust as Sam felt himself be ripped open'
NO
Don't think about it.
Dad would be home soon and they would be gone and Sam just had to hold on until that happened.
"Dean'' he whispered, when no reply came he tried again "Dean? you awake?"
with an audible groan and some shuffling he heard Dean roll over "I am if you wake me up idiot, what do you want?"
"Sorry, nothing, go back to sleep." Sam quickly covered up, regretting bothering his exhausted brother.
"T'late for that." Dean stretched and Sam heard the creak of the bed as he stood, shufflign over and sitting next to Sam. "C'mon, what's up? you never wake me unless it's important.
Sam put an arm over his face, for some reason the thought of Dean looking at him when he felt so vulnerable was unbearable. "Do you think you'll become a hunter? like Dad?" He whispered.
Dean lied down next to Sam staring at the ceiling himself now. "I guess so, I mean I'm good at it, and it makes me feel like it makes a difference ya know?"
Sam sat in silence for a moment, letting the presence of his brother comfort him a bit.
"If I don't become a hunter, would you be dissapointed?" He breathed out.
"That's what's bothering you?" Dean chuckled softly "Sammy, you've never wanted to become a hunter. Training, shooting, violence, you hate that stuff."
"Ya but Dad-"
"Don't you worry about Dad'' Dean interrupted. "Tell you what, how bout you just be my emergency backup?"
"You need me, I'll be there Dean." Sam smiled softly. "I would give anything to keep you safe."
_"You think you're valuable now?" _
Sam shivered, turning on his side, away from Dean.
"Aw wow sappy much?" Dean didn't mention the physical distance Sam had placed between them.
"Sometimes I wish you were the one in charge all the time." Sam's throat felt dry.
"Shit Sam, what a thing to say." Dean closed his eyes, letting out a breath. "I know Dad doesn't want you leaving the life but-" He swallowed, and Sam could hear the emotion behind his words. "When you're ready to break free, get away from it all, I'll help you."
Sam didn't say anything, and after a while he heard snores coming from next to him, more time passed and he slept, peacefully.
Sam woke alone in the room. The sun was high in the sky and the clock read 11:34. He panicked at first before remembering that this was the weekend. relief washed through him at the realization that he had a much needed break from school. He ventured to the kitchen to find the cereal and milk placed out and a note reading
'At the mechanics, come over when you're done.'
Sam eyed the food as someone would size up a opponent before sighing and placing the box back in the pantry, he put the milk in the fridge and placed his bowl in the sink, making sure to run some water over it so it looked used. No use having his brother worry about him.
He wished he could just go back in the haze, feel the bliss he had felt the previous afternoon.
no
no he didn't need that
he didn't do drugs
he didn't want them
Sam grabbed his homework, just in case there was some downtime, and headed out the door after quickly tidying up his appearance. The mechanics was only a short walk (probably the reason Dean dared to leave him alone) and Sam felt refreshed by the time he arrived.
"Need help kid?" A large gruff looking man stepped out from a car eyeing him.
Sam swallowed, tensing. "Just looking for my brother sir, he should be around here working on an old pickup"
The man scanned him and Sam felt like he was a slab of meat getting looked over by a chief. "You the kids Simmons sent over?"
"Yes Sir." Sam felt an ache in his stomach.
"Ya brothers in the back, should have everything he needs doubt it'll take him long. Just don't cause any trouble and don't ya touch anything." The man went back to work, ignoring Sam. Sam quickly made his way through the cars and workers till he found Dean in the lot, bent over the hood of the truck.
"Dean." Sam greeted, peering over the edge of the hood.
"Someone slept in late, or were you goofing off?" Dean jokes, Sam could tell his mood was good and smiled back.
"Hey it's a weekend, I'm usually the one dragging your ass out of bed."
Dean laughed, standing up and wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Unless Dad's here, then both our asses are up by 6:00 am no matter what the day or there is hell to pay" Dean did a mock stance of their navy soldier father and tapped his wrist imitating a watch.
Sam gave a serious expression and solutes "sir yes sir"
"By the way I got great news." Dean said as he went back to work. Sam found a spot nearby to sit and pulled out his school books.
"You get a date for tonight?"
"Even better, Dad's coming home."
Sam looked up. "Really?" he said, hopeful
apparently the hope showed because Dean's own voice grew excited. "ya, and ever better he says he found another case nearby so we don't even have to change schools."
"wait" Sam felt like a bubble had been popped "we aren't moving?"
If Dean heard the emotion in Sam's voice he didn't show it, continuing on just as excited. "We might get to finish the whole school year here, Dad says I could even get a part time job, s'long as I keep after you."
the rest of the school year
that would be weeks
no months
Sam felt his hands start to shake as his vision clouded
months
how was he going to survive months?
it had been two days and he was already falling apart.
"Sammy? You lost in lala land?" Sam looked up to see Dean staring over at him, eyebrows stitched together.
"Just, um," Sam ran a hand through his messy hair. "I was just surprised that's all, we've never stayed in one place for so long."
Dean shrugged "it's been a while. Anyways I was thinking of applying here since it's so close, besides I kinda really like this stuff."
Sam nodded, not sure how to reply.
"And I mean, you could hang out, do your homework nearby." Dean hesitated, waiting for Sam to respond.
"Um," Sam blinked before remembering his orders ``Actually, Mr Simmons asked if I wanted to join a mathalon practice after school." Sam swallowed hard, the words tasting sour in his mouth.
"Dude what the heck is a mathalon?" Dean laughed, shaking his head.
"Um, it's like a competition." Sam stared blankly at his textbook as he forced the words out. "I was gonna ask you if it would be ok, I don't know how late it would go."
Dean continued to chuckle "You making nerdy friends afterschool sounds perfect, you can just come on by when you're done."
Sam nodded, tremors running through him as his fate seemed to crush him.
can't breath
_'he was pressed up against the wall, crushed into it by Mr Simmon's mass as the man leaned in painting. "You're so fucking tight Sammy" _
"What do you say Sam?"
"Um," Sam was dragged out of the memory by a small bonk on his forehead.
"zoning out again huh? I was saying I need someone to start the engine while I make sure it all looks good."
Sam nodded and quickly placed his books aside, scampering into the driver's seat and picking up the keys.
"ok Sam, I'm ready."
With the turning of the keys the engine roared to life in all of it's incredibly loud glory. Dean cheered and Sam fained some form of excitement.
AN: I got some pretty hard news this week and haven't been handling it well, but I appreciate you all for reading my story knowing someone takes the time to be itnerested in what i create means a lot