San Antonio, Texas
October, 2018 AD
[warning: non-graphic references to self-harm, depression]
I looked up from the cream-coloured pages for a second just to analyse the room around me. I don't know why I care. I know that I shouldn't. But who wants to try explaining that to the irrational emotional side of me? That'd be like talking to a wall. In any case, my eyes didn't find what – or rather whom – I was searching for and they promptly returned their attention to the copy of 'Eragon' in my hands.
Just as I was about to reach the end of the chapter, the shrilling sound of the bell slammed into my brain and I almost fell off my chair as I momentarily lost my composure. I got so lost in the medieval fantasy world that I forgot where I am for a second – hell. You may also know it by the name 'school'.
With a disappointed huff, I slid my faux leather bookmark between the pages and closed the novel before stuffing it into my pale blue JanSport backpack.
I tried hard to will myself not to, but my eyes defied me and scanned the room once more. Still no sign of him. But I did find that only a few people have moved to their seats even when the door has been closed and Mrs. Danford has risen from her desk on the corner of the spacious, monotonous chamber.
The middle-aged brunette looked exhausted as she moved to stand beside the decade-old smart board, her crystal blue eyes examining her surroundings from behind her big, circular spectacles as she pursed her lips. "Everyone sit down, please," she spoke up, her voice firm and deep. Groans and whines echoed through the white room as the teenagers reluctantly followed instructions. I kept my head down as they shuffled around in search of vacant spots.
I know that it is unlikely that anyone will come too close to me, seeing as I am in the far-back corner of the room, but I still dropped my gaze to avoid accidentally making eye-contact with anyone; the memories from yesterday still on the front of my mind.
What happened, you might ask? Well, it may have been an accident; though I'm pretty sure that a certain someone – a girl named Sophia Terrell – did it on purpose. The point is that I tripped right beside the suspect's table in the terrace when going from my usual lunching spot underneath a thick oak tree to the trashcan by the sliding doors to the lunch hall, and I face-planted. Hard. My hands were unable to catch me since they'd been holding a lunch tray. As you may expect, laughter had soon followed and a couple of napkins – most of them dirty – had been flung at me 'to help me clean' the remainder of my grape juice, which left a collection of purple splatters over my Spider-Man sweatshirt. To make matters worse, someone – Lindsay Kaur, one of Sophia's friends – caught the whole thing on her phone and she swiftly posted it to Instagram.
I fought tooth-and-nail to get out of attending the fifteenth circle of Dante's Inferno this morning, faking a stomach bug. But, sadly, I seem to have overused that trick in the past because Aunt Kelly saw right through it and all but dressed me up herself. The fresh slits on my forearm still sting from the tight grip she had on me as she dragged me to her car.
Perhaps I should tell her about all the crap I run into at school, but I don't want her to worry – it's bad enough that she's stuck looking after a child that isn't hers; so it's better if I just let her and Uncle Gus continue to believe that I'm simply a lazy butt.
Mrs. Danford soon began to explain how to solve simultaneous equations with three variables, her jaw clenching as hushed conversations continued throughout the room even when she's asked for silence a dozen times.
I don't exactly like math, but focusing on solving whatever the teacher throws at us is a sure way to make the forty-five minutes that make up the class go by quicker. So, as soon as she was done explaining the day's work, I retrieved my phone, put an earbud in, clicked on shuffle, and threw myself into algebra.
That is until the door to the classroom suddenly burst open and in came Elliott, flashing a guilty smile at the teacher as he sheepishly entered the classroom with a quick but charming apology that compelled the woman into letting him stay. His shaggy light blond hair was dishevelled, presumably from running to get to class.
Realising that I was staring, I forced myself to return my attention to my notebook and I clenched my jaw, hating the way in which the boy's presence provoked a small spark of giddiness inside me for a second.
November, 2018 AD
My heart dropped to my stomach when Mr. Gonzalez, the physics teacher, announced that he'll be reassigning lab partners after a small incident with a couple of rowdy boys that led to five-hundred dollars worth of damage to equipment. Even if we don't speak at all outside the class, I've grown to feel fairly comfortable around my old partner: a chatty and charismatic girl named Ava Kennedy.
Mr. Gonzalez began to pull names out of a plastic bag and I waited anxiously in the corner of the room, the hard palpitations in my chest turning the simple task of breathing into a game that requires focus and determination as a slight ringing in my ears interfered with the frequency of the Colombian professor's voice.
"Astraea Aphelion…" He called my name in a thick hispanic accent. I clenched my fists around the straps of my backpack as both a way to ground me and a way to try to dissipate the thin layer of sweat that had formed on the palms of my hands. "…and Elliott O'Connor."
The aggressive pounding of my heart only worsened as I felt a suffocating warmth swarm my face. Out of all people – why did it have to be him?! This is only gonna make it harder to keep my foolish feelings at bay! It's bad enough that I've developed a stupid childish crush on a guy who will never glance at me twice. I was lucky that he did so once when he needed a pencil and I happened to be sitting behind him in History class. It was a short and amicable exchange – which was apparently enough to stir the stoic heart I've worked so hard to build.
Already dreading physics lab for the foreseeable future (though a part of me kept disagreeing with that, claiming that it was actually something to look forward to), I took a deep breath and moved towards the table that the teacher assigned for us, then I dropped my backpack on the floor next to me and hopped onto the uncomfortable metal stool, my feet dangling in the air as they came just a few centimetres shy of reaching the footrest at the bottom.
Elliott gave me a small grin paired with an acknowledging nod as he took the seat just a metre beside me, and then he turned around to chat with the pair that sat at the table behind us. I retrieved my copy of 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' from my backpack and entertained myself while Mr. Gonzalez finished assigning partners.
Oh, how I found myself wishing that I could stumble into a magical world and never have to step foot inside prison again... I mean, school.
December, 2018 AD
Yes, I'm most certainly an idiot, I thought to myself as I begrudgingly got out of my Aunt's car on a cold Monday morning. It might've been only in my mind, but I could've sworn that all heads turned my way when I accidentally shut the door a little too loudly, then I grimaced as my eyes fixed on my reflection against the shiny black steel for just a second.
In an idiotic leap of faith, I'd decided to ditch my usual style (or lack thereof) – a hoodie, leggings, and sneakers – for a nauseatingly cute blue and white fair isle sweater that was already making my skin itch, dark brown trousers, and faux leather Chelsea boots. Also, rather than braiding my hair, I'd ventured into letting it hang loose this time.
Aunt Kelly had been only a tad too quick to applaud the abrupt change in style when I'd climbed down the staircase earlier today. For a long time, she has insisted that I'd 'stand out' a lot more if I got out of my superhero-themed sweatshirts. The flaw in her statement has always lain in a simple point: even if I got a 'Miss Congeniality'-level makeover, there's nothing in me worth highlighting. It's best if I just fade to the background.
However, a month of working next to Elliott as lab partners has kindled something in me. Sure, we don't speak of anything beyond school-related stuff. And I can't, for the life of me, ever give him answers longer than a single sentence because the stutters will get to me if I try. But he's kind to me. And my brain stupidly thinks that, maybe, I could get him to look at me as something other than his weird, geeky lab partner.
I'd be stupid to think that no one noticed my revamped appearance. Even if I do my best to lurk in the shadows and keep my head low, I can't literally turn invisible no matter how desperately I may want to; and I think it'd be hard for anyone not to notice that the local crazy person has suddenly shape-shifted into something more resemblant of a fifteen-year-old girl. I mean, I'd certainly notice a change like that. Like when Rebecca Maisie – the talented but shy flute player from Classical Arts class – didn't have her signature large pink bow resting on top of her ponytail one day. Or that strange occasion when Lionelo Hargrove wasn't the first one to hand in a math test.
Yes, I'm most certainly an idiot. But I can't go back home and turn back to normal now. Kelly's car exiting through the chain-link gate at the end of the parking lot ended any hopes of that. So I will have to endure a day in the insane disguise I arranged for myself and then I can go back to normal tomorrow. If I survive, that is.
Cursing myself for my dumb decisions, I walked inside the school and headed straight to the English Literature classroom, feeling only slightly excited to continue learning about Shakespeare. Or more like re-learning, I guess.
"Mom finally got ya' actual clothes, hey?" A high-pitched voice caused my breath to hitch and I looked up from my copy of 'The Three Musketeers' to find Sophia Terrell standing above me, her hip leaning against the lunch table I was occupying (seeing as it was raining outside and I couldn't sit under my tree). Although, now that she was clouding my chances at meeting a distant relative of peace during the half-hour-long break from class, I wouldn't have minded standing directly under the pouring skies. "Looks good. Where'd she take ya' shoppin'?"
I drew in a deep breath as I tried to think of what to respond. If I tell her the truth – that I got the sweater from a vintage thrift shop in Fredericksburg – she'll surely find a way to make fun of me. Though I have a feeling she'll manage that no matter what I say.
That decides it. I'm never straying from my usual fashion choices again. At least I'm already used to the sort of comments that are flung my way when wearing those. And they don't make my skin itch and my feet hurt.
"Wait," the blonde spoke again, an obviously forced gasp passing through her lips, "I totally forgot," she continued as she slapped a hand over her mouth, "you live with your aunt, right?"
My nervous system was set ablaze and I don't think I've ever known what absolute rage is until now. It's one thing for her to make fun of the way I usually dress, or my 'crazy' fondness for superheroes, or my regrettable clumsiness. I've almost learnt to embrace that and take pride in the little things that seem to set me apart from the bunch of arrogant bullies that plague the school. But a line exists, and that line was crossed when she dared to bring up my family.
"Soph! Come on!" I heard Lindsay Kaur call out from another table across the vast room. Sophia grinned at her friend and shot me a quick pout before walking away, leaving me seething as images of fire and blood tormented my mind in a reminder that I should've burnt in that fateful car crash. All I wanted to do was jump on the girl and tear her eyes out.
Not bothering to clean up and return my lunch tray, I slung my backpack over my shoulder and bolted out of the room. I didn't stop running until I got to the bathroom, where I locked myself in a stall and pulled out the Swiss army knife that I keep in a small compartment inside the pale blue bulk.
The insides of my arms still burned as I hopped onto the stupid metal stool when last period finally came around; but I did my best to swallow the stinging feeling and willed my eyes to keep the tears at bay. I retrieved my novel and read for a minute or two while I waited for the class to begin.
Elliott entered the lab with seconds to spare before the bell rang and he plopped down next to me, sending a charming smile when I glanced at him. "Hey, Astra," he greeted in his distinctive voice that is still trying to bridge the gap between 'boy' and 'man'.
"Hi," I returned in a soft tone, attempting a small grin so as to not seem rude.
I was surprised that he kept his hazel eyes on me even as his friends took their place at the table behind ours. I knew it'd also be rude to return my attention to my book when he apparently had something to say, so I slowly lowered the pages onto the table and prayed that he'd get bored of looking at me soon as my body cowered slightly.
He's no doubt judging my choice in clothing.
"I saw you at the show on Saturday," he finally said after a few seconds. Wait, what?! He was at the Texas State Show Jumping Championship?! I tilted my head. He breathed out a chuckle. "My sister participated. She rides horses, too."
"Oh," I nodded in understanding, not sure how else to respond. Is he really engaging me in small talk?!
"Congrats on your big wins, by the way," he added while gently nudging my side. I shifted slightly, trying not to show how the simple gesture had caused my heart to skip a beat.
I looked away and focused on my fiddling hands. "Thanks," I replied, "but my horses deserve all the credit."
He snorted. "I don't think they care about that."
"Yeah, I guess not," I responded as I let a small grin grow again.
Mr. Gonzalez walked in a few seconds later, forcing the conversation to end, and I certainly felt grateful. I don't think it had a big future, anyway. But the brief moment left me thinking that... Elliott noticed me. Outside of school. In a big, hectic environment with hundreds of people sauntering about. Perhaps my brain isn't too insane when it insists that, maybe, I could be more than just his crazy, geeky lab partner. Maybe we could become friends! Or more than that? The thought sent a shiver down my spine. That's a silly thought. Why would anyone ever want me?
January, 2019 AD
I happened to run into Elliott just outside the main doors to hell – I mean school – on the first day back from winter break.
And when I say 'run into' I mean it literally. Completely my fault. I'd been staring at a pair of crows that were perched on a tall, bald tree by the sidewalk and hadn't been paying attention to where I was going until I'd crashed against a firm body.
The blond was quick to steady me with a chuckle.
"Did you go anywhere on holiday?" he asked. To my surprise, he walked beside me and chivalrously opened the door for me, letting me pass before he stepped inside and let the glass panel swing closed.
I mumbled an astonished 'thanks' before gulping, nodding, and replying, "Yeah, we went to Colorado."
"Oh, no way!" he exclaimed with a bright smile. I started at the sudden excitement in his voice and then I glanced up at him, wondering what is so special about that. "Where exactly?" he then inquired, his tone turning normal again. Almost. There was still a hint of heightened joy.
"Um. Aspen."
He made a 'tsk' sound and stopped with me as I reached my locker. I glanced at him again before starting to enter the combination on my lock. "I went to Vail," he noted, "me and Santiago." Santiago Rios is one of his friends. "Ever been there?"
I opened the locker and began to pull out the stuff I need for English Literature. "Once," I answered with a nod. "W-when I was eight, I-I think."
Once more, the conversation was cut short by the prison bell. I mean, school.
"Sh*t, I gotta get to Biology!" Elliot exclaimed. His hand was suddenly gently squeezing my upper arm. Just for a second. But it was enough to send a wave of warmth through my arm and to my face – and to intensify the pain from the fresh slices, but I was successfully able to hold back a wince. "I'll see ya' later!" he said before taking off sprinting down the hall.
I watched him go for a few moments. He's so friendly and carefree. It's nice. He will never look at me as anything other than his crazy, geeky, lab partner, though. I let out a sigh to try to relieve some tension and I began the walk towards the English Literature classroom. Elliott is obviously just being friendly. That's who he is.
As promised, I saw him again at last period for lab. He was surprisingly early for class this time and he took his usual spot to my right after greeting me with a smile. A contemplative look settled on his face as he stared ahead. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, my attention half-taken away from my third re-reading of 'Jane Eyre' as I discreetly examined his features. A straight nose that widens slightly at the bottom, thick eyebrows, round ears, and kind upturned eyes.
He's not classically handsome, but there is something about him.
No. There isn't.
Think of Bucky Barnes and shut up, stupid brain.
I quickly returned my attention to my book.
Jane was a strange girl, wasn't she? I mean, that's largely why her life turns out the way it does, right? But she found someone who could appreciate and embrace that strangeness... An equally peculiar spirit who complemented her to perfection... And he treasured her more than anything in the world... Mr. Rochester is obviously not without his flaws. In fact, he has plenty. And so does Jane. But that only enriches the unique and colourful tapestry that is their relationship.
I glanced at Elliott once more. At the very least, he's not indifferent to me. I call that a win. Maybe we can be friends if I make an effort to break out of my shell.
"H-how was your day?" I ventured to ask, my voice barely above a whisper as I gently set my beloved book down.
His head shot my way, his eyes widening ever-so-slightly as a grin formed on his lips. "Can't complain," he replied, turning his body slightly so that he could face me without twisting his torso. "Well, Math was a bit annoying," he added with a bit of a frown.
"How come?"
"Mrs. Danford had Ariana Grande playing on repeat," he noted with a playful grimace. "Not my cup of tea."
I straightened up slightly and turned to face him, too; suddenly feeling more confident in talking to him given my interest in music. I can only pray he won't think that my taste in it is too weird for a fifteen-year-old girl living in 2019.
"Y-yeah," I mentally cursed myself for stuttering again. "'Bang Bang' makes me wanna bang my brains out," I tried a joke while scrunching up my nose in disgust. He raised his eyebrows at me and I tilted my head. "Y-y'know, with a gun," I threw in when I got no verbal response.
Elliott chuckled. "I figured that wasn't your kinda thing."
"Understatement," I responded with a small smile.
"So what is?" he inquired.
Oh, dear. Here goes nothing.
"R-rock?" I said hesitantly. "L-like, classic rock. Styx. Journey. Led Zeppelin..." I began listing, then I trailed off as his smile grew, causing my heart-rate to speed up a bit.
He raised his hand, offering a high-five, and I discreetly wiped my slightly sweaty palm on my leggings before completing the ritual, my mouth falling slightly agape as I considered the possible meaning of the gesture. Is he into rock, too?!
"You're a real one, Astra," Elliott noted with a wink that caused me to look away as my cheeks warmed up again.
Maybe we can be more than lab partners!
"Well, my f-father had all these vinyls and... well." I winced and bit down on my bottom lip. I shouldn't be revealing that little fun fact. Everyone who knows my name knows about the accident. The name 'Aphelion' went around a lot during those days thanks to how big the news story was. I don't want pity points from Elliott.
He went to respond but, as usual, the bell rang and ended the conversation. Once more, I was grateful for it.
February, 2019 AD
Valentine's Day has always been a bittersweet holiday for me – admittedly, a hopeless romantic at heart. The idea of having a whole day dedicated to celebrating love, whatever shape it may take, has always seemed incredibly beautiful to me.
Everyone deserves some love in their lives. Or almost everyone, I guess. I can point at a couple of individuals throughout history who don't deserve anything beyond a lifetime of torture. But my point still stands. As Merlin noted in Disney's 'The Sword in the Stone', it might be the strongest force in the world.
On the other hand, however, it's always hard to watch couples and friend groups celebrate in harmony. Deep down, I cannot deny the yearning I feel for that sense of belonging and safety. I can only pray that, one day, I'll have something similar in my life. Though I can't think of how that could ever come to pass.
I entered Hades – sorry, school – that Thursday to find it covered in heart-patterned red and pink decorations, a mind-saturating contrast to the dull grey and white tones in the ceilings, walls, and floors. The cluttering was such that I didn't know where to place my eyes. So I kept them down as I walked towards my locker, having to dodge a couple of heart-shaped helium balloons here and there as people rushed up and down the hall to present gifts to their friends and significant others.
With my algebra book pressed against my chest, I closed my locker and turned around, just in time to see Elliott stride past me while carrying a big teddy bear in his arms, a joyous and determined look on his face as he headed straight for something. Or, rather, someone. Santiago Rios walked beside him, holding a rolled-up poster.
Unable to help myself, I stared after them and watched them come to a stop in front of Ava Kennedy.
Santiago unrolled the poster to reveal a big message written on it. 'Will you be my Valentine?' it said in big purple letters, and he stood next to Elliott with a big smirk. Ava's jaw dropped and she quickly covered her mouth in a gesture of disbelief, then she jumped to hug Elliott, who happily took her into his arms.
My heart shrank.
Yes, of course! It makes perfect sense! They're both incredibly friendly, kind, smart and socially adaptable. Not to mention, they make a very handsome couple.
I finally looked away from them when they shared an innocent kiss and turned to begin walking towards the Math classroom.
Obviously, Elliott is never going to see me as something more than his crazy, geeky lab partner! He has taken a human interest in me because that's who he is, but I doubt he would ever consider me a friend. I'm a semi-tame stray dog he can hang out with when there's nothing better to do as he waits for class to begin. A book he can open if or whenever he chooses to to entertain the fleeting hours of physics lab. A song he can play or skip depending on his mood...
I'm not like Jane Eyre. I'm not like Elizabeth Bennett. I'm not like Rosalind. I'm a background character – here to fill the stage for those who matter. I'm just the crazy, geeky horse girl; and I will never be anything else. Not to myself, not to anyone. I'll be better off if I stop trying to convince myself that I can achieve anything different.
Clenching my jaw, I strayed from my path and went towards the bathrooms instead.