Chapter 17

After a short week together, the time had finally come for him to return to London. Bella's face was red and blotchy from all her crying. She wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. Rosalie had given them some space at the airport so they would be able to say their goodbyes.

"I wish you didn't have to go," she sighed feeling tears prickling her eyes again.

"I know," Edward replied. She was resting her head against his chest and his arms were wrapped around her. He didn't know how he could go on living his life without her constant touch, her hugs, her kisses. He was sure he would die from withdrawal. "Maybe next time you can come see me. I'll be back in the US before you know it."

She smiled a little at the idea.

"I… Edward, I want to say that I…"

"I love you too, Bella."

I was sitting on the couch waiting for the time to leave. Jake had offered to pick me up but I felt it would be better to get there on my own. I replayed the voicemail for what felt like the millionth time. It still made my heart race and I was so confused about what I felt. Jake made my heart race too. It was new and fresh and uncomplicated with him, so why did Edward have to show up and mess with my life again?

I sighed and decided to leave and be early for once. On the drive there, I played some music; that was something else I hadn't done in a long time. I played some of Alec's favorite songs and that made me smile instead of turning me into a puddle of tears. This whole healing journey was going amazing but I didn't know who to thank for it. I had done a lot but I knew it was because I had been pushed to retake my life.

I made it to the restaurant with 7 minutes to spare. It was a nice and intimate Italian restaurant. The lights were dimmed and the lighting made it look somehow magical. I sat in the waiting area, letting Jake know where I was via text. He walked in a couple of minutes later and looked at me surprised.

"You're early," he said.

"Surprise," I joked.

He came and gave me a kiss on the cheek and took my hand in his own to lead me to the hostess. He told her our reservation and she walked us to a nice table out in the balcony that oversaw the nice quiet town we lived in.

The tiny strung lights on the restaurant balcony cast a warm glow on Jake's face, softening the angles and emphasizing the kindness in his eyes. It was a kindness I recognized, a shared language of loss that drew me in. He leaned closer, his hand reaching for mine. A shiver danced down my spine, a mixture of anticipation and… something else.

Suddenly, I was back in a stolen moment from a few days ago. Edward, with his messy hair and familiar warmth, his smell of cedar with mint, had been inches from my lips. The memory sent a jolt through me, leaving a sweet ache in its wake.

Jake's fingers brushed against mine, grounding me in the present. Guilt pricked at my conscience. I had agreed to be his girlfriend, a desperate need for normalcy, for a connection that had begun with bonding over grief. But was normalcy what I truly craved? Or was the turmoil and high emotions I always experienced with Edward?

"Bella?" Jake's voice, laced with concern, broke through my internal debate.

I forced a smile, the heat rising in my cheeks under his gaze.

"Sorry, I was just… lost in thought." The lie felt heavy on my tongue.

He smiled softly.

"About what?"

"About…" My voice trailed off. How could I explain the tangled mess of emotions swirling inside me? The fear of letting go of the past, the terrifying possibility of moving on, and the ever-present memory of Edward's almost-kiss.

Jake seemed to sense my hesitation. He withdrew his hand slightly, his expression unreadable.

"Is everything okay?"

I met his gaze, my heart clenching.

"Honestly? I don't know." The vulnerability in my voice surprised even me.

He studied me for a long moment, his brow furrowed. Then, to my surprise, a gentle smile played on his lips.

"I am here for you, you know? Boyfriend, friend, confidant, partner in grief. I got you," he said softly. "How about we just enjoy the view?"

Relief washed over me, warm and unexpected. It wasn't the answer I necessarily wanted, but for now, it was enough. I offered him a genuine smile, a spark of hope flickering in my chest. I could fall in love with him, I'd be crazy not to.

We laughed for a bit and enjoyed dinner. I kept listing all the reasons why I should fall for him: he was smart, funny, extremely handsome, honest, loved kids, Max loved him, and my friends thought he was amazing. My parents liked him more and more every time I spoke about him to them. I needed to make this work.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and we lingered for a bit. I appreciated him not pushing me further than I was comfortable with, but my curiosity was getting the best of me. I looked at him and then at his lips. Damn, he was gorgeous. He noticed the change in my demeanor and slowly put his left arm around my waist while drawing my face close to his with his right one. The gentleness of his touch made me quiver.

"Bella," he hesitated for a moment.

"Kiss me, please," I whispered back.

He leaned in slowly, the gesture both shy and deliberate. I could smell the faint citrus of his cologne, a clean, refreshing scent that sent a warmth blossoming in my chest. My heart hammered a frantic rhythm against my ribs.

The kiss itself was feather-light, a brush of lips that sent a delicious tingle through my skin. It was innocent, a tentative exploration, yet charged with an undeniable spark. We tasted laughter, lingering tiramisu sweetness, and a blush of something new, something exciting.

I thought I had forgotten how to breathe for a while. I pulled back, breathless, my gaze flickering to his lips, then back to his eyes. They were warm blue eyes like a summer day, flecked with gold in the moonlight. A smile, slow and shy, curved his lips. It mirrored the one I knew was blooming on mine.

"Told you I was good at this," he said as his forehead rested against mine.

"I've had better," I joked still trying to control my breathing.

"Liar," he laughed and pulled away to look at me. "So, how do you feel now?"

That's something I'd always appreciated in Jake; he always checked to make sure I was comfortable with whatever was going on. It was a good question. How did I feel? The memory of Edward came back, hitting me like a ton of bricks and I wanted to scream. I thought this would help keep him off my mind.

"Jake, I like you a lot so I don't want to be dishonest with you. There is someone else in my mind too. I want to make this work, but this thought keeps nagging me and just like you were honest when we began going out I want to be transparent with you."

He thought for a moment and smiled again although the smile didn't really reach his eyes.

"I don't like sharing," he explained. "I don't want half of you, Bella. I'd like all of you but if you can't give me that then it's not fair. I've enjoyed our time together and that kiss was something else but I think you need to sort out your thoughts completely."

The high from the kiss was wearing off and I felt treacherous tears threatening to come out. He was being so nice about it and it crushed me. I wondered if there was sadness hidden behind that smile that would come out as soon as I vanished from the parking lot.

"Jake, I don't…"

"No, I know. And I don't want that either. I will still be here for you as a friend but I want you to be sure of us."

With that, he walked away leaving me alone with my thoughts and I began to cry. I was so mad at myself for hurting such an amazing man. Jake would never let me see it because he was always in control but I knew I had hurt him. I wished I had never agreed to be his girlfriend in the first place. In my anger towards myself and Edward, I sent him a message without even thinking about it.

Why did you come back? Why are you trying to ruin my life AGAIN?!

I drove home sobbing the whole way still beating myself up. I had to stop a couple of times because my tears kept blurring my vision. It took me almost an hour to get home and when I did I noticed a familiar car in the driveway. Oh, fuck no.

I got out of my car and tried to walk straight to the door but he stopped me.

"No! Why do you keep showing up in my life when I am over you just to suck me back into this mess? It's not fair, Edward!" I pushed him away. Deep inside I knew it wasn't his fault but my mess of a head didn't want to just blame me.

"What did I do? I have given you all the space you need and have tried to be your friend," he yelled back at me.

The audacity!

"What did you do? What you always do! Come into my life, drive me crazy, and make me…!"

I stopped cold.

"What? Make you go into a room? Make you sing? Bella, those were things that I did to help you, damn it! Why do you have to make things so difficult? Why do you keep pushing me way?"

Oh, he drove me crazy.

"Because! Dimitri was not someone I used to get over you! I loved him. I created a family with him and thought I'd be with him forever. And now he's gone and you show up. He wasn't a consolation prize, he was my person," I was crying again but this time my tears were fueled by rage. "You broke me! Can you get that through your thick skull? You literally broke me! There was nothing left of me until he came along."

"How many times do I have to apologize for the same thing Bella?! I can't ask you for forgiveness my whole life!" he shouted desperate. "I thought you'd forgiven me for the funeral."

"This is not about that, don't you see? You never apologized for breaking my heart. You never gave me any explanation. You said sorry after your disaster of an almost-wedding and came back into my life. Did you ever stop to think about the hell I went through?"

"It wasn't necessarily easy for me either. Do you know what it feels like to see the love of your life marry someone else? Someone better than you in all the possible ways? I was dying!" I could see the anger rising within him but I didn't give a fuck.

"It was your fault! I would've waited for you forever, you jackass!"

That finally shut him up, but I was so angry, so frustrated. Why couldn't he just let me be happy?

"I hate you! I hate you!" I started pushing him so I could get through my door. "Why do you always make me love you?!" I shouted.

The last word hung in the air, a bitter accusation. My chest ached, both from the fight and the truth I wouldn't speak. Before I could retreat further into my defensive shell, a hand clamped on my jaw, forcing me to look at him.

His eyes, usually warm and kind, blazed with a fury that mirrored my own. Then, in a heartbeat, the anger morphed into something hotter, hungrier. He dipped his head, his lips capturing mine in a searing kiss.

It wasn't gentle, this wasn't a hesitant exploration. This was a demand, a possession of my breath, fueled by the heat of the argument and something unspoken that crackled in the air between us. My traitorous body responded instantly, a gasp escaped my lips due to his roughness. I moaned as the kiss deepened and was met by a growl born within his chest.

My fists clenched against his chest, a futile attempt to push him away, or maybe to anchor myself to the delicious storm he'd awakened. The world dissolved into the press of his body, the taste of him, the frantic rhythm of his kiss that stole my breath and destroyed my inhibitions.