CONTENT WARNING: Miscarriage, infant death

TMNT: Lullaby for You

Ch.4~ Painful Notes

I screamed, screamed as loud as my lungs would let me nearly choking on the gag in my mouth. It hurts, it hurts so much. I refused to let this pain win, I needed to remain conscious. I had to.

I felt something being pulled from within me. I screamed trying to kick and fight but I was strapped down. All I did was strain my muscles adding to my pain. I tried to look but my vision was too blurred to make out much. All I saw was a reddish thing being pulled from my swell.

Was that?

Suddenly there was a sharp pain in my neck and I felt something stinging being pushed into me. I cried out realizing what was about to happen. The world seemed to fade out and I cried in despair.

(Later)

I was in that room again, the white walls and bright lights were nearly blinding. I groaned squinting a bit to reduce the painful sensation. I swear this room was designed as another form of torture.

A pain in my middle brought me out of my dazed state. I bolted up but screamed out in the searing pain that it caused. I looked down as red began to spread across my gown. I felt dizzy, I fell back into the bed as I heard the tell-tale sound of the men entering.

I whimpered as I was held down and my gown was pulled up. The familiar pain of new stitches made my eyes well up and my vision blur. I clicked in despair as I was forced to endure this pain. Soon the pokes stopped and I was left with the stinging aftermath. I was released and looked up at the armored men holding me down.

"Help…" I pleaded.

Once again my pleas were ignored and I was soon alone again. I turned my head and looked at the room. It was the same as ever. There were no signs to indicate the little one had even existed besides the wound in my middle.

Please, let me join them… I cannot bear this anymore…

(Leonardo's POV)

I jumped a bit at the loud cane clank behind me, turning I saw Father looking at me sternly. I stepped away from the entrance I had nearly escaped through. He motioned me to follow and I did, he led me straight to the training room. Motioning me to kneel he took his usual spot.

"My son, it is the middle of the night, for what reason are you leaving our home?" Father questioned, I looked down at my lap.

"Do you really have to ask…"

"My son… I know that it has been tough this past year, but your brother is gone. There is nothing out there to search for." Father stated his tone sympathetic yet frustrated.

"I get it, you've given up. But I can't. I won't. He's out there, I know it." I replied.

"Where are you planning to search?" Father asked, I bite my lip. "So you planned to go to the surface and search?"

"I didn't say that!" I argued.

"I know you, my son, I can tell when you and your brothers are up to something. Leonardo, you must learn to let go. I am certain Raphael would not want this life for you."

"I don't care! Raph is out there! I know he is, he's waiting for me to find him, to bring him home. I won't stop, not until I find him, dead or alive."

"What of us? What of Donatello and Michelangelo? It's dangerous on the surface, we may lose you too…"

"I'm alive right now for them. I would rather be dead in the ground but Raph would want me to watch over them. So I am here, and I will not let myself die. But if I am going to be stuck living a life I don't want then I am at least going to use some of it to bring Raph home."

"My son…"

"Stop trying to take away my reason to live," I stated.

Getting up I began to walk toward the entrance, I could hear him call after me but I ignored it. I was sick of listening to him. This life was mine, and I am going to use it how I want. If Father wants to give up and grieve, that's his journey, not mine.

"Raph, just hold on," I stated. "I'm going to bring you home."

(Raphael's POV)

I sobbed into my pillow as I felt the familiar pain. It was happening again. The fiery burning pain and the wet metallic-smelling fluid leaked from my opening. Which test or shot was it that had caused this one? What were they hoping to gain from all this?

My heart ached, in a way I had never thought possible. I shouldn't care, I should be glad to be rid of the parasite but I'm not. Despite my efforts, I cared. I care for every single one they forced onto me. I shouldn't care, that would make this so much simpler. But no, I cared.

I felt the telltale sensation, carefully I forced myself to flip and pulled the blanket back. I felt sick as I saw the small pitiful being laying in the bloody mess that had once held them. Carefully I picked up the small being and brought it close to my face. This one looked more like the one they tore from my womb and stuck in that tube. As small as they were they might have had a chance…

"I'm sorry," I whispered and laid a gentle kiss on their small head.

The door opened as I cradled the small corpse close to my chest as I watched them enter. I was shaking in fear as they approached. I tried to fight them off but soon the small being was torn away from me. I cried reaching for them as I was held down.

I whimpered as I felt something poke at my opening, I closed my eyes tightly. The world around me began to fade and I found myself falling into myself. In here I didn't have to feel what they did. I felt the warm comforting embrace of Leo. In my mind I had him. I let myself settle into the imagined embrace.

'You're the strongest person I know. You can get out of this.' Leo assured.

(Leonardo's POV)

I wiped the blood from the corner of my mouth as I made my way home. I failed to find a single lead, it seemed no one knew of anyone looking like me. So clearly he wasn't taken by the seedy underground. So that left the more legal side of things.

I stopped at the entrance and quickly checked myself. It wasn't too bad, mostly bruises and small cuts. I quickly spit out the blood in my mouth before entering our home.

Scanning I frowned a bit as I saw Don and Mikey curled up together on the couch. They must have been waiting for me. The clank of a cane made my gaze turn to see Father looking at me with a look of relief and worry. I felt a small bit of shame build from the genuine hurt on his expression.

"I am so glad you returned my son…" Father stated as he walked over to me.

"Would you just stop caring…" I muttered.

"Never. You are my son, Leonardo, I love you and your brothers very much. I will never stop caring about you." he stated, I growled.

"You stopped caring about Raph." I snarled, and I glared at him.

"I have never stopped caring about Raphael. Leonardo I dearly miss him, just as you and your brothers. You boys are my life… I refuse to lose another son." he retorted, I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

"You don't act like you do. Raph could still be out there! Yet you gave up!" I screamed, my frustration building. "I'll keep searching, and I won't stop until I am sure. Alive or not I want to bring him home!"

"Leo…" Mikey's soft voice broke the silence.

Turning to my right I saw him and Don looking at me with tears falling down their cheeks. My heart ached at the sight of their sadness. I felt hot tears begin to form as I bite my lip. Mikey shakingly got up and walked over to me. He looked up at me before burying his face in my plastron his arms reaching around to grip my shell.

"Let us help." Don pleaded.

"We want to bring him home too…" Mikey added.

"I know, but… I can't allow anything to happen to you guys." I stated.

"And we're supposed to just let you do this all on your own! Leo we already lost Raph, we don't want to lose you too!" Don shouted, he marched over and poked my chest. "We already lost one big brother, we're not losing you too idiot."

"Yeah, come on Leo, we're a team aren't we?" Mikey added, I sighed.

"We are…"

(Raphael's POV)

Why? Why was I given real clothes? Why were they taking me out of my room? Even if I was stapped into a wheelchair I was still out of the room.

"It seems you are tougher than our usual subjects." A familiar voice stated, I felt my heart race as I saw the man apparently incharge of my torture. "It seems you may be of use for my super solider project."

"F-fuck you." I hissed my body shaking in fear.

"So you still have some fight left in you. Perhaps you will be more cooperative knowing that once this is done, given you survive. I will be setting you free again. All you have to do is protect the earth from freaks such as yourself. So, do we have a deal?"

"I ain't killing nobody who ain't starting shit." I hissed, he smirked.

"A sense of honor, it appears you are the perfect fit for this project. Once again, do we have a deal?"

"Deal, but if you start shit I'm coming for you too."

"You can certainly try, now shall we begin."

(Splinter's POV)

I gently wrapped the cut on Donatello's arm. I was both proud and deeply concerned for my sons. While I was proud of how caring and strong they all were I worried for their safety. It appears my fear of losing another son has been holding them back.

"Thanks, Dad it's hard to wrap this myself." Donatello thanked, I waved off his thanks.

"I will always be here for you and your brothers." I soothed. "Have you three found any leads?"

"Not really, we end up finding more about gang activity than leads…"

"I see…"

"Hey Donnie, how's the arm?" Michelangelo quizzed, I smiled as he practically draped himself over his brother.

"I'm fine goofball," Donatello replied, I rose from my seat and headed to find Leonardo.

I headed for Raphael's room, it was normally the first place I checked for Leonardo. I saw the door was partly cracked open, I stopped before it and knocked. I could hear shuffling from within and soon a voice told me I could enter.

"What is it Father?" Leonardo questioned, his tone curt and devoid of warmth.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright my son," I stated, stepping into the room I saw Leonardo huddled in the corner of the bed. "Donatello told me you had no luck this evening."

"If this is another ploy to get me to stop…" Leonardo began.

"It is not. I believe I owe you an apology, my son. In my fear of losing you or your brothers, I have been holding you all back. Leonardo I am very proud of you, I am pleased that you are so strong of will and heart. I am sorry I have stood in your way. You boys are my world."

I bowed my head, and a soft sob made me lift my head in worry. Leonardo was sobbing tears pouring down his cheeks. Cautiously I moved closer and opened my arms. I was relieved when he almost dove into my arms. I gently rubbed his head and shell as he sobbed into my robes.

Raphael, I hope I am able to apologize to you as well.

(Raphael's POV)

Looking at myself in the mirror I was shocked at the changes. How long had it been since I last saw my reflection. The first thing that drew my gaze was the shift in my eye color, they were not a vibrant gold. Next was my tail which was resembled an alligators tail. Of course I noticed the lack of shell and leaner figure. My knees were scarred from surgery to 'repair them so I relied on crutches to move.

They were turning me into a super solider or some shit though I wasn't even sure if I believe it fully. All this got me was more experiments and injections. Was I even going to be released? Why had I even bothered to agree…? Not like I was ever going to have a choice…

I loud buzz alerted me to someone entering my space. Tearing my gaze away from my own reflection I left my small bathroom. I tensed up a bit as I saw Bishop standing by the door. I swallowed thickly but obediently hobbled over.

"It appears the damage to your knees is beyond even our skills to repair fully. It appears your skills will not be as augmented as I hoped. We will be releasing you next week, I do hope you will keep your end of the bargain. If not I can and will find you, you do have other uses." he explained.

I felt a shiver go down my body, memories flashing into my mind that made me ill. He seemed pleased with my reactions and left the room. I collapsed to the ground tears falling down my face. As the bloody corpse of my last child invaded my mind.

I'm sorry…

I'm so sorry…