My Choice of Men
Chapter One
Lily strode towards the cabinet emitting strange noises.
"Move over, Prongs! I've got no space!"
"Sssh! For fuck's sake! She's going to hear us!"
Her fury rising, Lily's face turned as red as her hair. She tore open the cabinet and two lanky young men fell out, sprawled at her feet. She stood straight, towering above them. In her opinion, she must have seemed quite menacing, but the two men did nothing but smile at her impishly, their dark eyes sparkling with mischief. Lily wondered briefly how it was possible to be so foolish, so oblivious to danger. She concluded that the young men must have been Gryffindors because of their recklessness and boldness rather than anything else, like morality. Their morality left much to be desired.
"You two are completely mad," she declared drily, shaking her head. But she was unable to maintain her severe expression for long.
James Potter's way of looking at her made her feel a fucking élan of tenderness, despite herself. She had to remind herself that James was also hateful and bigoted.
"Come on, get up," she said, bursting into an immense smile, still shaking her head to express what she thought of the two Gryffindor's foolishness.
She held her hand out to James, who accepted it and helped himself to his feet, squeezing her hand a little harder than necessary, making her blink in surprise. Sirius got to his feet without a word and dusted himself off. He had the look of a lost puppy, visibly unsure whether he should stay or go.
The consideration he thus showed surprised Lily; his friend James, on the other hand, remained completely indifferent to what others around might be feeling, his friends included. Or perhaps he was merely unaware of it. She didn't know which of the two options might be worse.
However, she could not suppress her empathy, which haunted her like a ghost, even in moments such as this when she should have shown greater severity as a prefect.
'From a certain viewpoint,' said the hateful voice of her better nature, 'this was merely a method of self-defense.' But did that make his behavior morally acceptable too? Lily wasn't sure.
"Don't pretend not to love all this," James said, puffing his chest out, messing up his hair with a hand movement he liked to pretend wasn't calculated; he was smiling from ear-to-ear as if he were the king of the world.
Lily observed him for a few seconds and determined that despite appearances, his eyes glittered with fear of rejection. The redhead smiled, of the opinion that James deserved these occasional and slight feelings of unease for all the ordeals he put others through. However, on occasion, Lily wasn't certain whether he was mean-spirited or simply unaware of how he made others feel by trying to get to where he wanted to go.
"I'm not pretending to do anything," she snapped back with an arrogant smile to rival his. "I'm just looking out for the girl whose friend you guys cursed!"
She pointed with her finger to the twelve-year-old girl who was weeping silently in the corner, whose existence she had nearly forgotten. "Fix this!"
"Little Miss Perfect," said James, "Or is it Little Miss Prefect now?" he proceeded, smiling, his eyes devoid of all amiability.
Lily began to feel as if her insides, previously warm and fuzzy, were now being destroyed by molten lava. She felt nauseous, in all honesty, because of James Potter… His fickleness, his unpredictability, and his amorality. These were all unattractive traits, but on other occasions he acted like a better man, so she knew he had the capacity to improve… even if not the will. Despite all this, during her weakest moments, Lily hoped that James would one day grow as a person. She might as well have waited for red snow to fall from the clouds, but oh well. Too bad.
Still, after his recent quarrel with Snape and because of his current behavior... she was no longer sure if she wanted to speak to her classmates, currently standing in front of her. Though he was absent, Remus was just as guilty as his friends in Lily's eyes; as prefect he should have intervened when they acted up, like she was doing now, but she was alone in her quest against the two notorious Gryffindors.
The rivalry between Snape and James left her perplex on occasion. The two despised each other despite possessing many of the same traits, traits that surfaced in each individual differently because of the discrepancies in their upbringing. Which was perhaps the reason why. They were too similar to live together but too different to tolerate each other, even in different houses.
"You don't need to say anything," Lily told James, "Other than the counterspell to the one that you put on this poor girl's friend."
She wasn't being nice anymore; he didn't deserve it. Sirius stood there with his arms crossed; he looked like he was aflame with the desire to comment but held himself back because Lily was "James's girl", which made the problems Lily "caused" James's problem. That was what Remus said at least. What a disgusting system, really.
'James's girl,' she thought regretfully, as if she could ever be that. She felt disgusted by her own emotions, as uncontrollable as they were. The notion left her both warm and fuzzy on the inside, as if she were a stupid little girl. Then she told herself firmly: 'I have no desire to be his girlfriend.'
She was currently on the verge of tears but refused to show it. 'You think too much and you feel too much; this will cause you a lot of pain,' as her sister Petunia always said, always with a little smirk playing at the corners of her lips, as though she were better than Lily because she barely thought anything and had no feelings.
"The counterspell is 'Avera Pars,'" James said, still smiling.
"Are you lying to me right now?" Lily demanded shrilly, cuffing him on the arm in her mounting frustration.
Lily wanted to tear her hair out one by one, so frustrated was she by her impuissance. She had no idea what spell James could have put on the friend of the little girl who was still crying behind her, or how one would go about reversing it. Meanwhile, this arrogant toerag was standing right in front of her, clearly loving the power he held over her and this situation.
Because yes, of course, he was aware of her feelings for him. Otherwise, he would have already stopped trying to seduce her a long time ago. He wasn't an idiot, just an asshole. There was a distinction.
"No, I'm telling the truth," James said, laughing with Sirius.
"You guys think you're funny," she snaped, "But you cast a spell on a thirteen-year-old girl. Wow, such talent! Such bravery! Such chivalry! And you really cannot be bothered to tell me the counterspell? You're worse than Slytherins!"
The two young men promptly stopped laughing, as if being compared to the members of the rival house was the summum of insults. Lily smirked, her eyes glittering with malice. 'Finally,' she thought, 'these guys are on the receiving end of just an ounce of what they deserve.'
"You're one to talk, Slytherin-lover," snapped James in response, furrowing his brows, the usual spark absent from his eyes. "You're here acting like the epitome of morality when you fraternize with people like Snape!"
"Yeah, I'm sure Snape is so much better than us," Sirius interjected.
He seemed to have exhausted his quota of patience for the day and also seemed unable to refrain from commenting further. Whatever wasn't about him, he found intolerable, which was probably the consequence of growing up in a family devoid of love. "We saw you leave a classroom," he added, "You looked pretty fucking upset."
"Are you sure Snape is worth it?" he added, his eyes dark.
Lily was taken aback; her eyes turned bloodshot from the repressed need to cry, her cheeks aflame with shame. How… when… how dare they… but before she could say anything, James (whose expression had already become softer seeing that he'd 'won', in a way), said "Mitescere."
He swished his wand, which emitted a pearly blue light that travelled all the way to the silently weeping little girl. Whatever spell he had used, it calmed her down.
"What have you done?" Lily demanded ferociously.
James looked bored, the usual spark gone from his eyes. He said, "It was just to get her to calm down. I was tired of her crying," he added on a revolted tone that made Sirius nod his head in agreement. "Anyway, as I said, the counterspell is 'Aversa Pars.' The spell was 'Verrucas.' The counterspell will make all her warts disappear," he added, smiling again. "It was a pleasure, as always, Evans."
His behavior changing like the weather in April, James leaned forward, towards her (to her greatest dismay), puckering his lips ever so slightly. Lily could have laughed – he looked so ridiculous in that moment! – but not in the situation they were in.
Emotionally exhausted after the day's events, she did the first thing that came to mind, something she had contemplated doing before, something she often wanted to do but something she had never dared to, held back by her good graces and the consequences the action would have engendered.
This time, however, she gave into her impulses without a second thought, momentarily unable to think, too exhausted and upset and angry and sad… Lily slapped him across the cheeks, and the noise it produced was so loud that even Sirius grimaced. Her hands left a red mark, large and pulsating, on James's white face. Consequently, the latter's face transformed, and he suddenly seemed menacing, angry. Lily's heart skipped a beat.
"This is because of Snape, isn't it?" he asked, his eyes dark.
"Non," Lily said, with verve. She stood square in front of him, and looking him in the eyes, she said determinedly, "This is for me."
James considered her, his gaze penetrating, his face indescribable, as though he were waiting for her to change her mind or tell him she'd lied. When he realized nothing of the sort was going to transpire, that Lily wasn't playing him, he left, strutting in the opposite direction, Sirius at his feet like a loyal dog. She burned with hatred for both, for all those like them, for all those who resembled them even just a little bit.
"I mean it this time, James!" she cried, his back turned to her. Her heart shattered as she watched him leave, despite her best efforts. "We're not friends anymore. We never were, actually."
As she said these words, she realized she truly meant what she was saying, that they had never been friends, because their relationship went beyond a simple friendship, on both her end and his.
James stopped brusquely, turned back towards her to consider her. Lily was seized by a sudden desire to cry and to confess to him that she did not despise him – she despised herself, actually, because she did not hate him. But before she could utter a single word, her choice of man turned away from her without another word, shaking his head, as if he'd decided this would be the last time she hurt and disappointed him. If Lily's eyes weren't deceiving her, he even had tears in his eyes.
Lily heaved a deep sigh and attempted to strengthen herself emotionally, telling herself that he deserved this kind of treatment (it still hurt her to hurt others, even in cases such as this). This time, however, the pain dissipated fast, replaced by self-satisfaction.
She had won. At long last, she'd won.
Lily lowered herself to the ground, sighing, a smile playing at her lips. She felt tension the tension slowly dissipate from her body. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to bask in this feeling.
"Ugh, sorry, Lily? Are we still going to heal my friend or what…?" inquired the little girl in the back, all of a sudden, snapping Lily back to reality.
Lily's smile turned into a grimace. "Certainly," she said, the feeling of triumph disappearing to be replaced by a feeling of obligation. "Let's go find your friend."