I just wish to thank you for the continued support on my work. I have been writing Titanic FF for over 20 years OUCH! and doubt I will ever stop!
Chapter twelve - The Mirror
Church and tea passed by in a blur of fog, haze and the endless rattling of China. That was the sound Rose sometimes believed could send her mind spiralling out of control. She heard it daily, signalling something in her dull, mundane life. Tea was set to be drunk, and then biscuits were served. It was meticulous and tedious. The chatter accompanying it was the same, no matter which country a person travelled to. It was mindless, made by spineless mothers, bitter daughters and their friends, all completely pulling together pieces of poor, innocent deer like a pack of wolves, and when there is no more meat left, well, then they shall be left wounded, to fend for themselves or even better-dead. Rose felt as though she was dying internally.
The tour of the ship with Mr Andrews enabled her to immerse herself in the beauty of shipbuilding, but as soon as there was silence, Rose was once more overcome by the burden of her situation. She had clung to every word of the master shipbuilder, posing questions and theories that he seemed grateful and curious to answer.
That was until a firm hand grasped her arm, leading her into an empty gymnasium. Shock overcame her until she saw Jack's face beneath a tall hat and grey overcoat, neither of which could belong to him.
''I need to talk to you.''
Rose heard the hums of voices, music from somewhere, and footsteps going to and fro. She noted a peculiar expression on Jack's face, or rather lack of expression, which indicated that he was dealing with some strong or private emotion. She noted that the gymnasium's interior was empty of people aside from them both. She stepped inwards, allowing the heavy door to close with a loud shriek of unoiled hinges, and silence enveloped them entirely. He removed his hat, discarded it on the windowsill, and exposed the concern within his eyes.
''You should not be here, Jack, you know that.''
Rose's heart began to drum with furious force. Jack approached her slowly with tired eyes. The closer he came, the more it seemed everything around her was unravelling, falling away, leaving her exposed and vulnerable. Jack's breathing wasn't relatively steady. Neither was hers. After a long pause, he finally spoke.
"I was up all last night…I could not sleep or anything." His troubled aura disturbed her, but she still allowed him to continue. "Look, I have ten bucks in my pocket; I have nothing to offer you. God, I know that…" He reached for her slowly, giving her every opportunity to object. His face must have been made in Heaven; the topaz blue eyes shaded by long, straight lashes. His hair needed cutting, the heavy dark blonde locks curling slightly over the back of his collar, and a tiny bit of darkened stubble now appeared across his top lip, chin and neck. She had rarely seen an unshaven man too closely. Rose's throat cinched around a quick breath as she saw his fingertips approaching her cheek, and she ducked towards the window to retreat, albeit hesitantly.
''What?'' His words barely made sense to her. How had she questioned Mr. Andrews extensively on his shipbuilding knowledge, yet simple words seemed impossible to comprehend when in the same space as Jack? ''What do you say? Why do you feel the need to save me so badly?''
She waited stiffly for a response. His eyes flashed dangerously, somehow igniting the flame within her once more. How had she kept it quashed for such long periods?
''Jack, this is not a game anymore. You sought me to speak and yet are utterly silent.'' She exhaled to see his face, which was still half-soaked in amusement and sparked a rage she had never felt. ''I am engaged to Cal. I love him. I love Cal.'' The final words were said with about as much desperation as she could muster to make him believe it to be so. He had to accept it. Why would he not?
''Why marry him?'' Jack asked again, as he had often done during their conversation yesterday.
There was a heavy pause. The silence seemed deafening. The air around her seemed utterly useless, and breathing was difficult. It wasn't the strength of her corset stripping away the last remnants of oxygen; it was awaiting the answer. What answer could she give him? Even when trying her absolute hardest, she never convinced him otherwise. What use was it when he could see through into the depths of her already? The question went unanswered as Jack continued quietly with a strangled tone.
''You know I had a brother; his name was William. He was so damned beautiful, my baby brother. He died ten years ago, almost to the day. We were out fishing on Lake Wissota, and he fell in. It wasn't even a cold day. I couldn't save him. I couldn't even find him; the current was too strong. He drowned, and he wasn't even nine years old.'' Jack's blue eyes pinned her to the spot. His hand tenderly at her cheek. Her stomach was a riot. His lips were set in a straight line as though he was as troubled as she was. ''You are drowning too, not in the same way, Rose, but you are, and soon, that fire that I love about you will be completely burnt out. I saw how brightly you beamed last night, how alive you were and then today, like when I first saw you and drew that sketch, you are slowly drowning under the weight of your world.''
Rose was completely and utterly shattered inside, having never felt anything as accurate as what she had at this moment. It was as though she was on a rollercoaster, right at the very top, at the precipice, about to drop downward, and she failed to stop it. Jack stood, both of his oddly trembling hands upon her cheeks. A grim sigh was exhaled, and then she tilted her head, taking in his hauntingly beautiful face and then raised a brow at how difficult it must have been for him to share such a personal thing about himself,f and soon, she was speaking herself, telling him things that were not guarded secrets, but what she kept close to her own heart.
''I have a sister, Elizabeth; she is sixteen. I cannot leave her, for she is why I am doing this, too. I am so sorry to hear of your brother; his passing must still affect you so deeply.''
Jack let out a deep rumble. His hand left her cheek momentarily to rake through his hair frustratedly, and her attempts to look away from him were fruitless.
''Yes, it does.'' Jack moved on swiftly. ''You're the most amazingly, astounding, wonderful woman that I have ever met in my life.'' A smile deepened the corner of his mouth, but then it disappeared. ''I would never have enough to offer you, I know that, but being as involved as I am, I cannot let you go.''
''I am not yours to take.''
''I know I do not want to just 'take' you. The choice would be yours. To be trapped with them, for the rest of your life or to be free.''
''It's not up to you to save me. I do not need saving-my sister...''
Jack stroked his thumb across her soft skin; it was almost too much then. Rose raised her white-gloved hand to touch his. It lingered as she searched his face. He was offering her a way out. One which she had never been given before. He was serious; she could see so in his face. What could that mean for everyone involved?
''You don't need saving. You just need to set yourself free, more for yourself and then for your sister if you feel guilty.''
Jack's voice was etched with hopefulness. She grasped his hand tighter. His closeness left her paralysed. He had such a frightening effect on her that she couldn't breathe.
''You still feel guilty for your brother's death, I can see that much, so please do not try to advise just how I should not protect my sister as I am sure that you would still protect your brother even now.''
''Always.''
''And I need to do this, or my sister will marry someone just like Cal, or perhaps worse. It is beyond what you understand, Jack. I cannot just run away with you, or my mother would need to find work, and my sister, too. She is the one who relishes this life, not in the same way my mother does. Still, she enjoys the clothes, dinners, and conversations with ladies as much as the rest, but she is also a passionate writer, and her mother could never know that, for her pen and paper would be banished. The reason she stays at home is not just for her studies, but so she can concentrate on finishing a play that she had started before Christmas and has not yet had the opportunity to end, and with mother about, that would never happen.''
Together, they both faced guilt; both faced each other, knowing that the love of a sibling was holding them back in some ways. It was another tight-formed bond. Another affinity that they unknowingly shared, and it was damned painful.
''Love is a luxury for most people, and it may never be one for me, but I would rather be kept as a possession than her. I would rather suffer than let her suffer. She is far too precious for that.''
''I understand that.'' Jack replied, flatly.
"No, you do not," Rose said, shaking all over. "You don't, or you would not continue to ask this of me." Screaming out the last of the words with such power that she even frightened herself, Rose lowered her lashes. She couldn't look at him as the words spewed from her mouth. In part, she heard Cal's shrill voice from breakfast that morning and realised this was the reason for her use of ammunition towards him.
''Rose?'' His voice was laced with the same soft hope. ''Do you think I don't care what happened to your sister.''
''Yes!'' She sharply lifted her face to his. ''How could you care, for you do not know of her, or our situation in its entirety and nor do I expect you to, but the truth is…you cannot care.'' She exhaled deeply, feeling herself dizzying. ''Jack, there is a mirror here, and as we face each other, we seem to be the exact very person, the same soul split in half sent out to wander the parts of the earth that are undiscovered and given no map to find the other piece, yet, we are here, looking at the other piece of each other but it does not seem to quite fit.''
Rose removed her hand from within and moved her body away, but she kept leaning against the window as though some support was needed for her unsteady legs. The truth was, it would be so easy to go to him; it was as though she was already drawn into his direction, almost as though she were drowning within him. How tempting would that be? The guilt that was already present, though, would multiply until she capsized beneath a great weight.
''Maybe we can fit the pieces together; you just need to try to work them around a little bit.''
Jack was swimming in something far more profound than she could have anticipated. He stood before her, shaking with anticipation. Trembling from a surge of every emotion possible, but as he straightened his back and gained eye contact, Rose broke into a million pieces.
''I know that…I know I was too involved. I am too involved.'' He raked his hand through his hair, those flaming blue eyes bearing down on her hotter than the sun. ''But I care about you, about the weight on your shoulders. I care for your sister, but she is alive and well, and my brother isn't. I can't worry about the past when all I care about is your future, whoever that included.''
After being robbed of her breath, Rose found that she had dug her nails into her palms, and despite wearing gloves, it was painful. His eyes bore down into hers with such sincerity that she dared not move in case her legs gave way and buckled.
''No, you should not bother yourself with my future.''
As her breathing quickened, she felt herself sway into him, her chest pressing into his. It was madness. Pure and utter madness.
''How could I not?''
''This started out as a little game, Jack. I teach you to be a gentleman, and you teach me how to be a man. Those things we said yesterday, about going to Santa Monica and riding horses on the beach, you know we never could…''
''Yes, we could.''
''You believe in fairy tales far too much.''
''How is it a fairy tale when it can happen, Rose, if you only let yourself free.'' He was frustrated but not with her, trying not to lose his temper. The tangled mess was hers to make straight once more, but she had to want it-no, she needed to see how she could live her life compared to this.
Jack impatiently moved toward the window, letting the light touch her face and expose her. In the bright, truthful sun, a red mark beneath her eye, which Trudy had mostly covered with makeup until now, was exposed.
''Cal did this to you.''
Rose recoiled quickly, remembering just how Cal had struck her face. How could she deny such a thing when it was her scolded cheek?
''Yes.''
Rose suddenly felt naked, as though she was the one laid out, sprawled without clothes on a bed as he sketched her, with the morning sun revealing every facet of imperfection about her face and body. Every freckle, every curve and every inch of her skin. Suddenly, she felt the need to surround herself with Jack and to free all memories of Cal from that morning. Gazing up into his concerned eyes, it was a stark contrast to the blackness of that morning. That alone made her want to cry.
''I am quite all right,'' Rose tried to convince him. "It is nothing to concern yourself with."
Jack watched her face, his lips a thin line as he pressed them together.
'" want to hurt him so much,'"he snapped. It was the single time he had raised his voice before her. His stance was rigid and tense, and his nostrils flared with the anger that had formed within his belly. But she was not afraid, not like she was with Cal. This was true protection, with an almost animal instinct. She had never seen such an emotion displayed before, and it was beautifully passionate.
She swallowed hard. "Jack?''
Jack made an aggravated noise and caught her about the waist in the most tender way. "Rose, he has hurt you, and you act as though it was fine.''
''I drew blood with a pin, and I spat one of those damned pills in his face,'' she whispered into the silence, ''I hurt him.''
"You deserve more than that, more than him." Jack nodded, his voice low and etched with the intensity which had drenched his voice in the gymnasium the day before. ''But the truth is, I want you to leave him, not for me, not your sister, but yourself.'' Cupping her spine, he made her feel tiny and delicate. Conquered. Her tongue darted out to wet her dry lips, and he froze, his gaze burning.
Jack moved, cupping the back of her neck and the side of her hip, mantling her body with his.
''I will not walk away if he hurts you. I never will. If you jump, I jump, remember, Rose, do you remember that?''
Jack tugged, forcing her spine to arch, leaning over her so that she had no leverage to move. Every inhale was his exhale. Every movement was an enticement, their bodies sliding against each other in a wanton dance. She felt a fever in her blood, a conflagration that had started with that first smouldering glance from below the decks. She had seen his gorgeous gaze across the classes, and she had stood one afternoon during lunch and ultimately lost her own senses. She could so quickly lose herself.
''You need to walk away from me, Jack.''
''I can't.'' He told her, his eyes burning into her deeper. ''I can't turn away without knowing that you will be alright. That is all that I wanted.''
''Then I shall walk away from you, and you shall not be tempted to follow me.''
''I can't just stand by and watch him hurt you in such a way.''
''Well, walk away from here, and cease thinking that I am yours to save because I never was and never will be.'' Rose shrugged away from him, her eyes truly burning with unshed tears. He stepped back, scolded, as she spoke the final words, ''You hold a third class ticket; your presence here is no longer appropriate.''
Trying hard not to meet his gaze, Rose corrected her posture, and her gloves slid downwards to her palm. Suddenly, with a slow exhale, she was put back together again.
She left him there, staring at the grey tiles of the floor, leaning against the window. He wanted to follow her, so he tried to tell her that he would work tirelessly to ensure that the pieces of them could be put together to fit somehow. He was sure of it.