3rd of Rain's Hand

We got to Dawnstar and Nightcaller Temple. The mages were there and already engaged in a variety of experiments. Magic was involved in this but that's about all they can tell me right now. There's no sure way to tell how or who might be behind it, as yet. We're likely years away from any potential to be able to reverse it. Gods above, I'm so sorry I got you into this, my pup. Wherever you are, I hope you can forgive me for that lack of foresight and that you find a way to forge a new life for yourself. I've given them Talesin's theories about the sphere and Ancano's actions creating something that caused people who were in range of it to be shifted into other realities. They incredibly intrigued by this and want to see if they can determine if this is what happened and how it worked. The net result is there is no help, at least none in any reasonable time frame, to be had here. Now I have a new dilemma. If they can find a way to reverse it years from now, do I rip Eric and Jordis out of whatever new life they've built for themselves to bring them back here? Will they thank me for it or hate me for it? I don't know how to pick or even if I have the right to do so. What if I rip them out of place where they've found some happiness? What if bringing them back here removes them from some horrible place like the one I found Kaidan in? Gah! This is a path to madness. As of now, it's not an option at all so I have time to think it through. I think some more conversations with Talesin might be in order.

Since this isn't a thing I can do much about any time soon, if ever, so we're going to go poke around some dragon mounds and leave the mages to their work. Poking around dragon mounds is something I can do now. I'd prefer to get on with something I can do than stew about something that may never be resolved.

10th of Rain's Hand

I think we've done more in the last week to clear out the Forsworn and the Hargravens than any Jarl of Markarth has done in decades. I can't even begin to you tell you how many of the briar hearts we've put down. I've also picked up a new sword. Apparently, their ancient leader, Red Eagle made some pact with the Hargravens and was, as near as I can tell, the first of these briar hearts. None of this has ever worked out well – just ask Terrfyg or Askar or Kodlak – for man or mer. I know that the living conditions in these camps are despicable – dead, rotting animals and parts of dead rotting animals are everywhere. You would think that hygiene alone would compel them to dispose of them, but they do not. The miracle to me is that they're not all already dead from some horrible disease that's sprung up out of the cesspools that they live in. As nearly as I've been able to determine, these Hargravens were women once but traded away their humanity for power from Hircine. I'd like to talk to one, but I can never seem to get close enough to do so without them attacking me. I wonder if it's because Hircine's angry with me over rejecting his "gift" and freeing Kodlak, Vilkas and Farkas in the bargain. Aela is the only Companion and member of the Circle to be infected or gifted, depending on your point of view. I've managed to undo Terrfyg's terrible decision which means that the Companions won't be taken to stock his hunting grounds any longer.

Kaidan is still treating me like I'm made of porcelain and might fracture. At first I was frustrated by it. More recently, I've come to see that there's some cause for this. I was rummaging through my pack and found, tucked into a corner, a hair tie that Eric had bought for me at the market in Solitude. I wandered a bit out of camp and sat on a rock and cried. I more felt than heard Kaidan come and sit behind me, "You shouldn't be out here like this, by yourself. It isn't safe. There are Forsworn, Hargravens and dragons about along with usual wolves and bears. Now, what's all this from then?" "Eric got this for me the last time we were in Solitude," I said and handed him the hair tie. "I knew there were more tears in there," he rumbled, "I've been waiting for them come out. Come here, lass. You cry and I'll keep watch." I don't know how long we were there, with me sobbing on his shoulder like child. Wandering out alone like that, given where we were, wasn't the best idea, particularly when I don't have my wits about me as I clearly didn't.

When I had finally cried myself out, I tried to apologize but he wouldn't hear it. The only thing I was told I should be apologizing for is not asking him to come with me or at least giving him a hand signal to follow me. He did ask that I not take off running and make him chase me for miles again. I mentioned that he should have seen us running through the night to get to Ysgramor's tomb. He asked to hear about it, so I told him. It was all the Companions. We started from Jorrvaskr and went past Windhelm, running together. Even Athis and Ria ran with us and each of us carrying a torch. I had already been two days without sleep and was still a bit banged up from the Hargravens, when we made that run. We left from Jorrvaskr, ran past Windhelm and we reached the tomb just before sunrise. His only response was a low whistle of appreciation. Then I told him about some of the things that I hadn't written about before in my journal, like battling with the guardian spirits to get through to the central chamber.

"You fought like that on your third day with no rest after running all night while injured? I'm impressed." "If Kodlak could be freed, I was determined to do it." "You really loved that man," Kaidan says slowly, "to go through all that for him." "I did," I agreed, "He was my second father. I also felt a bit responsible for the Silver Hand attacking Jorrvaskr because of the war Aela and I waged with them after they killed Skor. If Kodlak was my second father, Skor was my second uncle."

11th of Rain's Hand

While we're all sitting around a big fire at the end of the day, Kaidan comes and sits next to me and asked quietly if I minded picking up where we left off yesterday. That's when he asked about Da and Uncle Viggo. The day they took the fishing boat out, thinking they could beat the storm back. It's a common enough thing is most any fishing village. They went out, the storm hit hard, and wreckage washed up on the shore. The water is too cold for anyone to be able survive long enough to swim back. Ma and Auntie Kelda raised me and my brother Balder until Balder ran off with the Forsworn.

Kaidan is almost too perceptive. He asked if this is why I always check the bodies in the Forsworn camps. It's the main reason, but sometimes these louts have vaulables on them. I have a lot of things that I'm funding out of all the loot we collect – everything from investments in businesses to outright ownership of the things like the farms, the horse breeding, and the like. Everyone in the Merry Band has a stake in all these things. Even the boarding school has become profitable, thanks to Elisif. That's the only thing that's set up differently and once its made enough money that the trust can operate properly, it will start paying back all the money I've dumped into it and everyone you see here will see their share of those funds too.

He sat there looking at me genuinely puzzled so I tried again from a different angle. Everyone here is pretty much set for life. We could all walk away tomorrow, go put our feet up somewhere, and live well for the rest of our days. We're here because we're friends, because someone has to do the things that need doing, and because it gives us a good excuse to go kick some arse. That money also buys us freedom to operate as we see fit. We're not beholden to anyone. Imagine a mercenary company that doesn't need a contract. We go where we want and take up the things we want to handle. There's no one holding the purse strings to tell us no or try to make us do things we find objectionable.

Then he asked if this is that why I've been a bit... distant from Jorrvaskr. We have a marked differences of opinion on enchantments and money. Wuuthrad has an enchantment on it that deals more damage to elves. Ysgramor's shield has a different enchantment on it. These are artifacts from our founder. I don't see why its an issue if I enchant my armor and weapons so that I can withstand these dragons and other magical creatures. That doesn't stop me from taking one or two of them with me now and then, so they'll have some sort of retirement when they're too old to fight. Farkas is right when he says it's a rough life. It's even rougher when all you get paid is maybe a hundred gold for a fight. When we come packing out with everything, it's not unusual for us to clear thousand septims or more.

I wasn't expecting his next question. He asked where my old village was, so I tried to give him an idea of the location. Not too far from where the wreck of the Orphan's Tears lies, right on the coast between the wreck and Ravenscar. It's northwest of Solitude, past the Steed Stone and Widows Watch. There's a little cove there, that gave some protection from the worst of the storms. I know that the priest of Arkay that Balgruuf sent burned the houses so that whatever they all died from didn't spread, so I doubt there's much left there. Then he asked if I wanted to go back and visit. Maybe I should, just to see the graves, but there's literally nothing else up there. The whole area is pretty desolate. Gods, this isn't something i want to do alone. I haven't been back since the day I left to go to Solitude and talk to the mercenary recruiters that had come to town. I'd send money home and Ma would let me know if they got the right amount or not. Before all this happened, I'd have accused anyone suggesting the idea of eating some of those funny mushrooms or dipping into the skooma. Now though, I think I'd like to put paid to that and be done with it. I told him that if we end up in Solitude, I'd go if he comes with me. This is what I get for thinking that there's more time – time to go see them, time to get them out of that shriveling little frozen village.

He said that he would, that he would probably follow me into the pits of Oblivion. This was getting much too serious for after dinner talk, so I mentioned that I was pretty sure I'd been there and been kicked out by Sheogorath himself. The look I got from him... Then I had to explain how I ended up with the Wabbajack. I launched into the story, which started off simply enough. I ran into this poor begger wandering around Solitude who asked me to see if I could get his master to come home. I felt for bad for him, since it was winter and he was sleeping in doorways. I was truly expecting it to be some drunken noble that snuck into the sealed wing of the palace and passed out there. I ended up asking Falk to let me in there, and after that business with Potema, I think Falk would hand over Elisif herself if I asked nicely. I got the key and went in to see if there was anyone there. I was walking down the hallway when suddenly everything shifted. I'm standing in a very dilapidated garden. There's a big dinner table with Sheogorath on one side and man I don't recognize on the other."

Kaidan breaks in asking how it is that I know enough to recognize Daedric princes on sight. I remind him that damn near every being of power, Daedra and Aedra alike, has been courting me. After the first couple, I made it my business to learn to recognize them. I want to know who or what I'm dealing with. Mollified, he nods, so I continue. "Sheogorath gave me some tasks to do and I was able to do them. In exchange, he told me I could take the Wabbajack as payment and leave, so when he said that, I left as fast as my feet could carry me." Kaidan asked two questions which I can't really answer until we get back to Frostfall, and I can show him. "What did Sheogorath make you do?" and "What in Oblivion is a Wabbajack?" Hard to answer those without sounding like nutter until I can show you. I keep it locked up to make sure that the girls don't try to use it on each other.