People's feelings, although personal and hard to decipher, were still tied to the rules that everyone played under. A mind, no matter how complex or simple, was still bound by the physical limitations of its master: Thoughts could only flow so quickly, instincts could only be suppressed for long enough, and the past could only be erased insofar as the cracks in people's masks weren't brushed.
Pieces of trivia and factoids, as well as tales of ancient history often depicted people doing the same as modern ones. Being passionate about romance, tragedy, comedy. Enjoying the simple things in life, suffering through events brought forward by their own hand, and surpassing odds thanks to their ability to work together.
All of this is to say that, although people could hide away and try to fool others, they'd inevitably fall for the same patterns and blunders that every other person had in the relatively short history of mankind. For this reason, actors had the upper hand in certain situations. The ability to project out and call for these tell tales to inspire empathy in others, although subjected to all the preparation and planning needed to make each scene work, was pretty handy when the skill belonged to someone observant.
Or, in the case of someone like Hikaru, someone coasting in this very same skill to appear as human-like as physically possible.
"Well, I guess that's that." The suspiciously older woman hanging out with the guy with weird eyes and his friend shrugged. But the motion felt more like it was meant to keep their attention on her words instead of the rest of her body language. The moment that Hikaru appeared, she had noticed his physical proximity to the guy with weird eyes and had shifted her in place. Straightening her back and keeping close watch of her 'student' while he explained that he and Hikaru were simply spooked into interacting by the sudden flight of the crows. "At least that's another problem off your shoulders, huh."
The tone was honest enough. Hell, even her reaction to Hikaru was easily explainable when the grey-haired guy reacted with surprise that his friend had brought Hikaru along. But the blond didn't quite buy it. There was something there, a certain thing that Hikaru couldn't put his finger on. Like her reaction was more deliberate than natural, covering up for something else. Not unlike someone on a stage, but with way less finesse.
His heart had started racing when the guy with weird eyes turned out to not be alone. But that, of course, was to be expected. Thinking a little about it, the chances of someone being outside alone were smaller than the opposite. No matter how much a person claimed to be an introvert or bad with people. So far away from the usual neighborhoods and convenience stores, it was to be expected. But to see a mature, obviously older, woman with him was…
"I thought I'd have a heart attack." The guy with the weird eyes sighed, letting himself drop on his stool with the same familiarity that Hikaru would expect from people that interacted a lot with one another outside of formal contexts. Which made his mind swim and lag even more, as he barely noticed the exchange of looks that the guy with weird eyes had with the woman. So that both of them moved away from one another. Leaving a spot available between them.
"Get yourself something with sugar or something, I don't wanna have to carry anyone home this evening." The woman scoffed before turning to Hikaru, erasing the annoyance on her face with practiced ease. Like she was used to showing it exclusively to this particular guy. "Anyway. Sit down, mystery guy. We don't bite."
No, please no.
"Thanks." Hikaru only managed to offer her a small smile while he dragged a boot to the spot they made for him, due to sheer repetition and habit. His heart beat so hard that it managed to make his chest hurt, and he had to discretely swallow several times to clear his voice and avoid sounding like it'd break at any moment.
Why was he so weak? If any random encounter could put him so on edge, Hikaru would be unable to leave his house at all. And while he had had this kind of episode after… Well, after the news of Ai-san's… Yes.
…
In reality, Hikaru had way more control over his abilities than this. He didn't bumble like an idiot, making an excuse to get a menu and struggling to listen to the guy that resembled Hikaru the most while trying to read. Charisma didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere. What was it? What kept him locked into fight or flight mode?
What was it that made him lower his head, hide his face further into the menu than he needed? Did the birds affect him so deeply? Did that make sense?
Hikaru had gone to Chiba basically without planning for it. The last time he saw Yui-san, she commented how she'd have time for herself thanks to an event going on at work. And Fuyuko-san confirmed that all of B-Komachi, alongside the boss of the company, were moving out of his way. Giving Hikaru a clear path toward his objective. A chance to forsake caution.
"Is the sauce really spicy? It says 'spicy' here. But I've been to some restaurants where spicy means spicy, and some where it's just a pleasant burn…"
"Tell the cook to not make it too spicy. He'll get it. That's the charm of smaller establishments."
"Ah, I see! Guess I should do just that…"
To begin with, the whole deal with the crows felt insidiously personal. Fuyuko-san had been fooled into thinking that it was something good. Strange, but good. A person, no matter the reason for it, being easily spotted amidst a whole town was a net positive in their books. He was right there. In the eye of the storm, both figuratively and now literally. Given form in the grand scheme of things by way of… Who knew? Divine intervention? A freak coincidence of nature being nature? As far as Hikaru knew, those creatures were not there for any reason at all. It had been weird, Fuyuko-san had managed to hear about it more than once, and it had happened exactly as Hikaru had managed to make contact with the guy with the weird eyes for the first time.
It was right there. Hanging by a thread, right in Hikaru's vision. Becoming a way bigger thing in his head than he was able to assimilate. And he hated that feeling. It was one thing to lose his mind after Ai-san allowed him to hear her voice again, however cruelly, and having the wound at the center of his "soul" be carefreely opened just like that. Out of the blue, with no apparent reason. But it was another to have his mind twist and turn about someone that he didn't know, that he had almost sentenced to an early grave, and who would certainly destroy Hikaru if given the chance.
Did Hikaru care about this guy's survival? Yes. In a strange, twisted way. But he did. His heart only beat at irregular intervals nowadays, and "life" came to him in a painful torrent as his mind oozed into the cracks of bittersweet memories. Held together only by the warm yet cruel marks that she left in him. Fire, in the most literal sense of the word: Alive, unyielding, all-consuming, hot enough to overtake everything… Of course, such an existence would leave behind at least easily rekindled-ashes.
Ah… What the hell was the point, again?
"It's true. That was really scary, but at least they're gone." The guy that kind of looked like Hikaru was talking now. And, although the blond wasn't following, he was still capable of nodding along and guessing where he should intervene.
"They're really smart." Hikaru nodded, remembering that his thoughts were, indeed, about those creatures. "But they're still wild animals. So… It's spooky when they just decide to mess with people."
Those things were incredibly smart. So much so that they could remember things, communicate, have personalities… Seen like that, Hikaru had no doubt that the murder had probably chosen to do this particular thing. And there was no further meaning behind it. They might've grown bored, and so they left. There were too many to be spooked by a single person. Logic dictated that it was a coincidence that they arrived and parted ways when Hikaru and the guy with the weird eyes met. For they were just animals.
People tried to find meaning behind events all the time. His own experience with Ai-san's call was as good example as any. Hikaru had selfishly gotten his hopes up, only to have them dashed by the cold reality of the situation. She was a mother, doing mother things. Her feelings only reached as far as her own blood and flesh did. It happened all the time with couples. It even happened in front of him, with Airi-san and her son. Because, no matter how good she had been at hiding her true self, Hikaru had no doubt that her husband was as much of a commodity as Hikaru had been.
He schooled his features and turned to the guy with the weird eyes, motioning to his hands.
"And speaking of, I meant to ask before: How are the pecks? Did they leave a mark?"
"Ah!" The gray-haired guy clapped his hands in a strangely endearing way. "I knew you looked familiar! You're the guy from back then!"
Hikaru chuckled, ignoring the way his heart picked up faster at the knowledge that more people might've seen him the first time other than that hilariously evil woman.
"That's me, yeah."
"Ah, so that's why Hikigaya picked you up." The woman to Hikaru's left nodded to herself, but he didn't want to take a look to see if her oddly guarded vibe had dropped even slightly or not. "You already knew each other."
"We don't know each other." The guy with the weird eyes said while Hikaru replied with a simple 'kinda?'.
"I just saved his phone." Hikaru momentarily turned toward her, but he still couldn't figure out that expression of hers. Those eyes weren't appreciating his looks which, in any other circumstance, Hikaru would've counted as something good happening that day. But the break in what was supposed to be the norm bugged him more than he wanted to admit. At least, in being objectified, he could more or less guess how to navigate whatever situation he found himself in. "Though seeing his injury stayed in my mind. It was…"
"Gruesome." The guy interjected with a growl.
"Impactful." Hikaru tilted his head toward him. "Something so small suddenly growing violent is a lot scarier in person than it is behind a screen. It makes you realize just how out of our depth we really are when it comes to violence."
"Fighting a bird would be hard." The woman nodded to herself like she was making sense. And so did the guys to Hikaru's left.
"It would be, yes." Was all the blond could say given that no further context had been provided for him. He couldn't even ad lib a smart retort given how everyone seemed to be under the impression that she was making sense. "The small ones. The bigger ones… A complete nightmare."
Hikaru had the distinct impression that he stood out, wondering about these things where no one else seemed even slightly bothered.
"Have you seen how big eagles actually are?" The gray-haired guy looked pretty surprised. Hikaru would've shown horror instead, given the topic that strung that idea into the conversation. But what did he know? "They could probably snatch a person right off the ground!"
"Don't worry, they can't." The guy with the weird eyes interjected almost immediately. Reaching out toward his friend as if to pacify him. "They're too light, their bones too frail. And humans don't make for a good meal anyway."
"Heh…? Really?" Okay, now it made sense. It seemed like the gray-haired guy was simply… Interested in whatever his friend had to say. A step separated from the topic, simply… Admiring the new information as it came. It was almost cute to see. "I wouldn't have guessed."
"Their bones are kind of hollow, spongy, and flexible. As a rule of thumb, nothing that grows too big and can fly that good, can weight that much. They need to compensate somehow, and that's why birds are so frail. In short, because the square-cube law makes it prohibitively harder to get enough strength to lift up, and because they still need to be aerodynamic…" The guy's voice slowly became more monotone and smaller, until it became little more than a whisper. "I think. I didn't study biology."
"Are you studying physics, then?" Hikaru grabbed into the first topic that he could muster. Which kicked him on the back when the only answer he got was a slow shake of the head. Too bad the only show of displeasure he could muster was a frown. "How do you know, then? Because you have the rough idea."
"I…" The looked like he was going to retort with something sarcastic. Hell, Hikaru already expected the answer to have something to do with the internet. But Hikigaya didn't go through with it. Instead, he furrowed his brows, making his expression even more antipathic than before, and looked down to pick on the empty bowl he had in front of him. "Once, a very smart girl talked about this during a visit to the zoo."
"Heh…" Hm? The woman's reaction was… Unexpected. "And here I was wondering why you were suddenly using big boy words…"
"Hey, it's not what you're thinking." Hikigaya growled. It was safe to say at this point that this seemed to be his default state. "I'm just a good listener, okay?"
The woman rested her elbow on the counter, holding her cheek on her hand. She smiled like Hikaru had seen older people smile at younger ones. Mostly family, although Hikaru wasn't wholly aware of the exact context of why they did it.
Proudness? It looked like proudness to him. It was one of those emotions that theater, because of the… Prohibitive way that it'd use lighting, sound, and scenery, had to twist to be more easily conveyed. Make it louder, so to speak. And so, it was so often a matter that needed to be corrected often.
Hmmm. Hikaru didn't know whether he liked to need to borrow words from the guy with the weird eyes or if he didn't mind. It sounded off to him, like it belonged in a different context.
To someone else, to their vocabulary instead of Hikigaya's own.
"The virtue of someone good with the ladies." Hikaru looked away from the guy, just so he could deliver his comment better.
Hikigaya's reaction, or the noise that came out of him, was the in-real life equivalent of smashing the keyboard to send a letter soup in disbelief.
"Ha! You just, but he's certainly the 'hear me out' of more than a couple of girls." The woman elbowed Hikaru on his arm, perhaps a bit more harshly than strictly necessary. And Hikaru allowed himself to grimace a little from it, still fighting the urge to move out of the way, but letting some of the discomfort show for the purpose of tracing his limits. "Ah, sorry. Am I too strong?"
"No. You're just too rough on people." Hikigaya grimaced. Although it didn't look as convincing as before, given the blush that refused to leave his face.
"Hey, don't give the new guy the wrong idea. I'll kick your ass." The woman proved Hikigaya right with enough comedic timing that the gray-haired guy actually chuckled.
Actually…
"Uh, can we switch places?" Hikaru might've sounded a little too sincere here. But it felt like the right time to bring that to the table. He didn't bring his A-game to this, was at a loss as to what to do now that he had the guy that saved Ai-san's life right. There. And, although the panic from before was receding, Hikaru noticed that he was being swept into their tempo. Forcing him to react rather than to lead. This wasn't his stage.
"Nah, I feel safer like this." The guy with the weird eyes replied something so outrageous that Hikaru couldn't help shooting his companion a panicked glance. Just for a moment.
"Hehe… They're joking." The gray-haired guy scratched his cheek nervously. "…Mostly."
What the hell? Hikaru had seen violence behind the scenes, quite literally when it came to actors that didn't see eye to eye, but this was ridiculous.
"We are joking." The woman cleared her throat to sound more mature now. "I taught them a little self-defense, it's just that sometimes I forget they're not that into it."
"Ah, you're a martial arts teacher?" Hikaru begrudgingly faced the woman. It'd be bad if she got the best of him, seeing how readily the guy with the weird eyes had thrown Hikaru in her direction, so he felt safer having her within his field of vision. Even if he didn't want to look at her. "You could've said so sooner."
"No, I'm a high school teacher." What? How… How was Hikaru supposed to make sense of all of this? Was she actually dangerous? Were Hikigaya and Hikaru more alike than the later wanted to admit? Was history about to repeat itself? If she put a hand of him, Hikaru wouldn't be able to… "But these troublemakers have a special place in my curriculum, so I wanted to make sure they stay safe and on the right path."
"Oh…" Hikaru exhaled, barely being able to ignore the cold sweat that he felt beneath his shirt. "I… I see?"
The woman smiled sadly at him.
"I know, I know. Not very usual for me to stick around for this long, right?"
"I… Didn't think that at all." Hikaru tilted his head. "It's rare to see teachers that truly care, yes. But it's not weird, if you get me."
"No, no. I understand. My actions have raised eyebrows more than once."
"Because of your violent tendencies." The guy with the weird eyes added with some annoyance.
"But it's what feels right. Some people just take a little bit longer to grow and mature." The woman ignored the interruption entirely, tilting her head to look past Hikaru and toward the guys he had given his back to. "And some, like a certain someone I know, take so long that it's basically impossible that it'll happen on its own."
Hikaru moved his eyes toward the guy in question, hiding from the woman's words by retreating into his own thoughts.
The blond placed a hand on the counter, motioning in such a way that it triggered Hikigaya's peripherical vision. Forcing him out of his mind.
"What?"
"She's talking to you."
"It's okay. I know how this ruffian works. He hates to show when things are rough, to take kindness." The woman scoffed to herself before motioning toward his hands. "Like this. You didn't show us your hands."
Hikigaya's face was even more aggressive now. If he was an animal, he'd be showing his fangs now. But he relented against an unseen force and extended his hands for them to see.
The spots where he'd been pecked were more pinkish, without relief but still evident to the naked eye. They were smaller than one would've expected, proof that his flesh hadn't been stripped that viciously, but still leaving behind proof of the encounter with the crows. Permanent, probably. If the slight tremors that assaulted his hand once or twice were anything to go by. A small, sudden movement that lasted for just an instant.
Damage somewhere that skin covered up.
Or perhaps it was due to extending his fingers to their full length and Hikaru was getting paranoid. Who could say?
…
What would his stomach look like?
"Does it hurt?" Hikaru asked breathlessly, having all but forgotten the food he had cornered himself into ordering.
"No."
"Not even when you flex your fingers?" The gray-haired guy chimed in, more than worried about it.
He gave out his feeling so easily, so readily… Like there was nothing on the outside that would swallow them whole, rendering him empty. Like life made sense, and the meaning behind it was a good one. Like sunshine and brine, like cool wind and soft clothes. Small, brittle, cozy.
"Nah. It's fine, I was super careful with disinfecting and stuff." It didn't escape the blond how Hikigaya's answer was longer in this case, compared to what Hikaru got. But he just saved that for later. "I didn't even need painkillers for this one."
Hikaru felt cold inside when the guy with the weird eyes glanced at him through the corner of his eyes.
"Yeah, not playing around with these things. Huh." The woman scoffed to herself. "At least you learnt your lesson this time."
"It's not like I was looking for trouble." Guess what? Hikigaya still used that antipathic tone of his. "In fact, I think trouble was looking for me."
Hikaru had no choice but to give him a polite smile before digging in.
"That woman… Kind of scary, isn't she?" Through the corner of his eyes, Hikaru could see the teacher's grimace when the topic changed in this direction.
Hikigaya remained on guard while nodding.
Small talk served a strange purpose in communication. It showed personality, while having little to no substance at all. Which made it tricky for most people to master, as they felt that the lack of actual content was a detriment in some way.
This wasn't the case. Filling the silence with common-ground topics made things less awkward, helped people fish for better topics to touch and… Indeed, served no further purpose whatsoever. It was boring, supposed to be discarded when something more interesting came, and people rarely got from it what they should.
Falling into small talk helped Hikaru relax. The guy with the weird eyes didn't seem inclined to push the boundaries of conversation toward the things bugging him. And Hikaru would be insane, broken in a different way from what he understood as a fundamental force within him, if he breached that silence.
It did give Hikaru a feeling that he disliked, a feeling of alienation. As he guessed and covered up the gaps in his personality, he couldn't help realizing that he stood out too much. No one was out to get him, yet his guard wouldn't drop no matter what. The conversation was pleasant enough, but he couldn't help double checking for hidden meanings beneath the apparent friendliness. Even the obvious closeness between them, even though it didn't threaten Hikaru, felt like a force that pushed him back. Had him on his feet to always wonder if he could push just for a little more context, or if these people would resent that and be led into topics he did not want to cover.
They did not ask for his name, and he didn't ask for theirs in return. This small moment of peace wouldn't last, and Hikaru quickly realized that he'd have to get out of there as soon as possible. He'd made a mistake; he bit the bait presented to him with so little resistance that he actually felt more shame the longer he spent talking to these strangers. It had been dumb, almost suicidal, and he would not get anything out of this. Given that the guy that saved Ai-san's life wouldn't leave his companions' side.
Fuyuko-san had charged head-first into trouble, just like this. And now, her career was over.
What was Hikaru going to lose here? There was so little of him left already. What could possibly be taken away from him that would not make him crumble?
Treading around the question of why he was in Chiba, or what he had been looking for, was one thing. He was used to the back and forth, of moving along conversations so that he didn't have to cover certain topics… Ah, he was running in circles. Going back over and over to the same topic.
Was it just fear? It'd have been so easy to snap then and there, to confess to get a reaction out of the guy with weird eyes. There was nothing that he could do that Hikaru would consider a punishment worse than holding onto the storm within his heart, than keeping himself from spiraling out of control. It'd be for the best. For Ai-san, for this guy, for everyone and anyone that had come in contact with Hikaru. At least, this way, there would be a point where his taint would not spread anymore. He could accept that.
And yet, imagining being exposed like this. Being seen for what he was…
"Something wrong?" Hikigaya asked while the other two were doing the math to pay for the food. Angry as he was, this guy remained steadfast in his awareness. Observant, if Hikaru had to guess, for similar reasons to himself.
Hikaru gave him a small smile.
"My stomach might be upset." Not because of the food, but due to eating while having all of this… Nervous energy within.
"Sucks." The guy looked away. Trying, and failing, to dispel his terrible mood. This also seemed to be normal, as neither of the people with them said anything. And it felt like they otherwise would, if Hikaru was reading their relationship right. "Wanna walk it off?"
Again, Hikaru had the strange feeling of being presented with a lure. Bait, something that he had trouble resisting. It was right there. All he needed was to talk, to say his piece, to get an answer. And then… And maybe, just maybe, he'd gather to courage to just… Disappear. To save others by virtue of removing himself from the equation.
"I should, yes. And you probably have other things to do, I don't want to overstay my welcome." Hikaru still managed to word his reply right, to not immediately stand up and follow the guy away from the people passing by. They might've talked a bit about school, and other unimportant parts of life, but Hikaru knew that this was just a momentary peace. That it wouldn't last.
"Eh? Are you sure? I'll probably end up dropping this useless guy home." The woman raised her face, judging Hikigaya silently. Although it felt like she had stopped short of suggesting something outrageous.
"This useless guy can walk. It's not that late yet." Hikigaya sighed, giving his friend a worried look before drowning that emotion in his permanent anger. "I'd like you to take Saika home, though."
"Eh?" The gray-haired guy flinched. "Why?"
"What if something happens to you? I'd rather make sure."
"It's not that late, though." The gray-haired guy chuckled awkwardly. "Relax, Hachiman. Komachi-chan is alright. You don't have to worry."
"Yeah, don't just move it to someone else." The woman shook her head smugly. "Just give it a rest."
"That's not… That's not the problem. Okay?" Hikigaya looked away, more embarrassed now. "We're not talking about that."
"I… Still should get going." Hikaru interjected, since the guy with the weird eyes turned to him for support.
"It's fine, I can drop you closer to wherever you need to be." The woman insisted, but that only made Hikaru want to get out of there faster.
"It's fine, really. I'll just take a taxi or something."
"Then, let's see you off." Totsuka chimed in, making Hikaru clench his stomach and keep his expression even.
"There's really no need."
"Well, there is! I wouldn't want to leave you to your own luck, y'know." Totsuka tilted his head, showing actual concern for Hikaru in spite of being denied his name or any particular information about him. It was strange, alien. And Hikaru had to wonder if his observation abilities were failing him. Because this guy should at least be a little suspicious of Hikaru.
"I wouldn't want to trouble you."
"Well, that makes one of you." The woman sighed. "At least this time we didn't have to restrain anyone."
Hikaru locked eyes with the woman, who stared at him with a mixture of seriousness and worry. Not toward her students, not really. But toward…
Ah…
"So that's how it is." They teacher, right. She'd been there for Fuyuko-san's case, even if Hikigaya wasn't supposed to share whatever… No. It was probably illogical to think that he'd keep all of Ai-san's secrets. He didn't understand her, the thread she walked on heedless of the dangers. How easily it'd been to threaten her safety…
Hikaru still stood up, nodding.
"Let's talk then." There was peace in this sense of finality. Of being cornered to the point that all he would've been able to do was to physically run away. But that'd have been pointless. They saw his face, and this woman was probably physically stronger than him. They'd be able to catch up. This was over the moment he felt for the bait of those stupid birds.
Hikigaya stood up without another word, but was a bit surprised when the other two followed suit.
"What?" The woman raised an eyebrow. "You think I'll let you go again? Alone?"
Quite a few emotions crossed Hikigaya's face, but he chose to push them back and hide himself behind a mask of aggravated indifference.
"Suit yourself."
Seeing the exchange, and the way the woman's expression screamed 'there he goes again…' made Hikaru smile faintly. For real, this time. And made it easier for him to follow Hikigaya away from the people coming and going, away from prying eyes.
At least he knew this much discretion.
"They know you care more than you're willing to admit." Cutting through the silence first gave Hikaru the initiative, some rudimentary control over how the conversation would go.
"Hmmm…" Although Hikigaya pretended not to give too much thought to Hikaru's words, the other two had positive reactions to them. Smugness, perhaps a little happiness. It seemed like Hikigaya had been called out for his behavior before, and they agreed. "Did you come all the way here just mess with me?"
"Aww, and here I thought we were getting along just fine."
"I don't 'get along' with popular guys. They're my sworn enemies." Hikigaya's words were so… Teenage-like. It actually made Hikaru chuckle.
"I thought you were popular yourself?"
"I thought you had something important to say."
"Something important…" Hikaru made a point of looking up, to show that he was thinking. But his heart knew exactly what he wanted to say. Even though his turmoil had prevented him from easily accessing the most eloquent thoughts he could produce. "Yes. Thank you."
Hikigaya stopped in his tracks, stunned into silence. Only to scoff at his own reaction and push onward, trying to keep himself metaphorically on his feet.
"I thought being someone's ex meant that the relationship was trash?" His words pierced Hikaru's mind in a particularly painful way, but he understood where he was coming from. That was, after all, the general consensus that people seemed to have. So used to their simple, mainstream, relationships. Safe in being normal.
He could also appreciate how Hikigaya put this tidbit out, even though Hikaru didn't have the presence of mind to check for the other two's reaction.
"Ah…" It still hurt. And doubly so, thinking that Ai-san would be willing to share this part of herself. It was confusing, vexing. Actually, Hikaru didn't know whether this was a good thing or not. It didn't seem like Hikigaya suspected him. But, if so, was it because Ai-san hadn't told him everything… Or because he didn't have enough of a room in her mind to be suspicious? "Well, you're comparing two completely different magnitudes. Don't you think? It's not even a competition."
Hikigaya furrowed his brows, caressing his stomach like one would a sensitive wound.
Hikaru wanted to see the scars, but he averted his eyes and didn't mention it.
"I guess."
"So much so that, when I got the news I…" When he realized what was happening, when that guy had snapped out of his tainted mindset and demanded to know how Hikaru knew the information that he was given… How… How he almost extinguished the only light, however distant, that remained in his life. Their lives, apparently. "I… Sorry. I know this will sound bad. But I'm just so glad that you were there."
If Hikigaya was outraged, he actually didn't show it. Which was pretty interesting, to say the least. Because Hikaru thought that this would be one of the most likely comments to set him off.
"I am too, all things considered." Hikigaya mumbled, heedless of the small chocked noise behind them. He wasn't the one outraged, but the woman and friend that were trying to look after him.
It might be a bit of a stretch, but Hikigaya felt like he could be in a similar headspace to Ryousuke. Like he could be pushed so far… Yet remained stubbornly still. Not defiant, no. But too weighed down by his own mind to act.
Stunned, waiting. Eternally waiting.
Hikaru had trouble getting his voice right after that thought crossed his mind.
"Sorry."
"For what?"
"I…" Confess. Beg for mercy. Let them destroy you. Get rid of the taint that clung to this world like his life was worth anything. Do one final good thing; if not for yourself, for that light that you could not hope to live without. "I wish this hadn't happened. I really do."
Coward.
Trash.
You impure little creature.
"Oh, wow. Thanks." Hikigaya scoffed. "And here I thought you were celebrating my near-death experience."
Hikaru couldn't help letting out some of his worries through a chuckle.
"C'mon, man. I'm trying to spill out my feelings here."
"I don't need the sentiment. I don't need kind words or empty shows of gratitude. You tried to find me, twice now. Why?"
Hikaru pursed his lips, willing himself to speak the truth for once in his life.
"I don't know what I'd do without Ai-san." No. Not that truth! That would lead them away, make them sympathizes with Hikaru. Why couldn't he stop trying to save himself?! "I… I love her so much. When… When… Ugh."
Hikigaya didn't interrupt him, nor did he stop walking. He just eyed Hikaru, studied the way he struggled and cradled his face. Taking all of it in, unaffected by the way that the blond instinctively tried to cover it up by fixing his features and chuckling.
Hikaru felt oddly uncovered under those weird eyes.
"I obeyed when she didn't want to see me. There was no point. I hated the thought of making her hate me more than in hurt to know that my feelings were one-sided. I was patient, I did what was right." Hikaru wheezed, unable to stop now. Let alone going back to the topic he actually wanted to cover. "And it was fine, or at least I thought it would be. She was the only good thing in my life, but so what? Her happiness should be a priority."
Hikigaya suffered a huge blow from that final confession. Hikaru actually felt it, like they were connected for a moment. In the way he staggered, looked away. Screwed his eyes shut to push whatever had appeared in his vision away.
Trying to stay in the present, walk it off.
"Such is love." He mumbled to himself.
Hikaru felt… Oddly at peace. Even though that reaction brought no joy to his heart.
"And…" He tried out, but his 'bravery' had left him. This was a dead end. "You can probably guess the rest."
"Yes."
"And… And this might be extremely weird, slightly illegal, and you can think whatever you want of me. But. But if I… If I could know, if I had even a bit of a glimpse that confirmed that she was alright, maybe I… Maybe I'll be able to live with myself knowing just that."
That was a lie. A flat out lie. There were still too many problems lingering to get respite. Too much guilt to go on. But if he had truly failed, if this chapter in Hikaru's long list of failures was truly closed, then… Then maybe, just maybe, he'd gain the courage to seal it off. Make it so it never, ever happened again.
Move on? Never. But, at least, take one final measure to assure Ai-san's happiness.
Hikigaya didn't give Hikaru what he wanted. And it just occurred to the blond that this was a recurring problem with this guy.
"I don't know." Hikigaya glanced at Hikaru with defeat, tiredness.
It made all of Hikaru's worries return tenfold.
"What?"
"I don't know. I'm not smart enough, or strong enough, or powerful enough." Hikigaya let out a small gasp, like he needed to breathe. "Hoshino is just… Too big, too small. Too sturdy, too brittle. She's yes and no, she is comfort and peril. I just… I am too little to do anything."
…Hoshino? That… No. Why weren't they closer? Had Hikaru misunderstood something?
"You speak like she's a burden." Hatred oozed out of his mouth; he couldn't help it. He didn't actually command it, or mean it at all. But his mind was too messed up to make sense, to heed him when he needed it to.
"No. Never." Hikigaya replied with just as much venom as Hikaru had used.
…
Good.
"…Then?"
Hikigaya opened his mouth, but then he closed it.
"I only… I just did one reckless thing. That's all." Hikigaya looked down at his hands, flexing his fingers slowly. Like it was too big of a task to do it faster. "I can only do so much. The rest… It's her life."
"What? No. Why?" Hikaru grabbed the guy with the weird eyes by the shoulder, forcing him to turn around and face him. "What the hell? What are you talking about? What have you been doing all this time?!"
Hikigaya didn't react in the way that Hikaru wanted. He just looked so tired… He resembled Yui-san in this particular way.
"I'm trying to help." He murmured. "But I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. I can't stop someone that goes so fast that she burns, only staying in motion because of her own momentum."
Hikaru searched his eyes, frantically trying to catch even the smallest of hints of deceit. Failing time and again, and feeling a deep coldness settle in his stomach when he finally realized that this whole exchange was taking as much of a toll on this guy as he had on Hikaru.
He had been tainted by Hikaru, somewhere along the way. At some point, in their small time together… The worst in Hikigaya had been brought out. Again, Hikaru had made someone worse by his mere presence.
"I'm not enough." Hikigaya repeated, but the hand of his teacher snapped both of their attention toward her.
"You're talking about someone else's life like she's a child, unable to make her own choices." The woman used two of her fingers to pry Hikaru's hand off her student's shoulder. Firmly, but with enough care that Hikaru had time to flinch and pull away by his own strength. "You're taking a burden that doesn't belong to you like it's necessary."
"I was taught to help." Hikigaya stated breathlessly. Like it was obvious, a law of the universe, the purpose that a machine was designed for.
"And you've been doing just fine, Hikigaya." The teacher smiled at him, taking a couple of steps closer to them. Forcing them further apart. "And I'm sure that, just by worrying, and letting it show, you're doing way more than it's been asked of you."
Hikaru was as much at a loss for words as Hikigaya was, but due to different reasons.
He wanted to leave, to run away. He needed to end this. To let others think that this was all… Just a freak accident. A quirk of how Ai-san's job worked, how people were inherently bad deep down. He should. He had to, it was his sole responsibility. And yet…
"She's been doing alright enough on her own, I guess." Hikaru murmured, looking away from them because it caused him physical pain to see the things that should condemn him softened up like this with kind words and a smile.
"No." Hikigaya growled. "I…"
"It's fine." His teacher interrupted him. "It's alright, just trust people's feelings. You're not the only one that… Well, you're not the only one worried about her. That cares."
Still looking away, Hikaru noticed how Totsuka hung back. Letting it play out while he bit back his own worries, his own desire to help.
This Hikigaya guy, even though Fuyuko-san said how he was constantly surrounded by women, really had a way to just… Find people like this, huh.
It'd be nice to deserve that sort of kindness.
Hikaru chuckled.
"I should go." He almost spat it out, feeling a little better for it. "I should've known. I didn't want to make things worse."
He looked at his feet.
"I'd be insane if I tried." He confessed, begging for the world to intervene. To suddenly make everything make sense for the others, to have him struck down without him having to face people seeing him as the monster he was.
"At least you didn't come swinging like that idiot." Hikigaya's expression turned sour again, mostly fixed up.
Hikaru tilted his head. He should've said something to protect Fuyuko-san's dignity but… He was too weak at the moment.
Nothing to be done about it.
"I just wanted some peace of mind."
His words earned him a kind, strangely endearing smile from Hiratsuka.
"Isn't that what we all want?"
He guessed she was correct.
And, he guessed that it was how sympathy worked too. How he understood what needed to happen.
He needed to fix this.