Chapter 22 - Sometimes life is contemplation.
December 23, 2005

After filling Gemma in on the last week Deirdre was left to unpack her things and settle into the small bedroom. It was painted a clean and simple white, with blue and white striped curtains covering the two small square windows and a braided oval rug on the floor. The furniture was simple pine, a double bed with a blue duvet and a small dresser and matching bedside table. But the sun shone in and made it quite pretty and peaceful looking. She hung her clothes in a minuscule closet and gathered up the presents she had to take over to dining hall later, piling them up beside the sofa in the living room.

There was a small bathroom between the bedrooms, and she ran a scalding hot bath, dumping in some bubbles from a half used bottle of bubblebath she found in a cupboard. Letting herself soak in the water that was almost too hot, she tried to sort through and analyze her jumbled feelings. When she and Gareth were on their own it was, maybe not as easy as it had once been, but getting there. She wanted to be around him, and to know he wanted to be around her, which was a far cry from how she'd felt last year. But was that mad? Nothing had changed, not really, unless they were both more clear-eyed about what they might have to face. The officials at the apparation centre had made that obvious. But as soon as they were on the reservation he'd taken her hand and started describing what it had been like living here, and she realized she'd been so wrong about his life. He'd basically been working class like her. He knew what it was to not always have everything you wanted or even enough of what you needed. But now, now he rode in a chauffeured Mercedes and brokered million dollar deals and went to parties with women who wore diamonds. She couldn't even get more than a part time job in a diner.

Deirdre groaned and ducked under the water, wishing she could duck away from reality as easily. Those secret days at the farm just after the war felt like bliss compared to all this worry and confusion, those days when they were isolated from real life. Lina and Professor Snape were helping Gareth learn everything he would need to navigate South American wizarding society, and when he was home he was almost wholly focused on her, on the two of them. Wait…

She slowly sat up again, feeling the water run down her face, her wet hair stringy and clinging to her. Lina and Professor Snape had taught him how to fit in. A wild and ridiculous though flew through her head. What if she could learn how to fit in? It might not be enough, you still don't have magic, she immediately cautioned herself. But Gareth did say he hires non-magic people, that he'd worked really hard to include them in his company. Maybe…maybe if I learned Spanish, and how to dress and act… Maybe I wouldn't feel quite so stupid around them. I did dress up and talk to that school teacher, and it didn't feel terribly scary because I was talking about something I knew. But that won't help with traditional magic users. They'll think I'm just some sort of gold digger, or that he just keeps me around as his…

Round and round her thoughts went until her finger tips were wrinkled and the water had gone cold. She pulled on her bathrobe and wrapped a towel around her wet hair. Digging through the extra suitcase that Ellie had packed of her warmer clothes, she pulled out a pair of black trousers and a silvery sort of jumper, a bit nicer for the dinner tonight. As she pulled out the silver jumper, she noticed a soft blue one lay underneath it. Deirdre smiled, this had been buried at the bottom of a drawer, she wondered how Ellie had found it. It had been Gareth's, the blue jumper she'd kept of his when he first moved away. She ran a hand over the sleeve, it was the same shade of blue as his eyes, and he'd been wearing it the first time he'd kissed her. Ugh. She wanted him back, wanted so much for him to look at her like he'd looked at her that night.

She got dressed and bundled back up in her coat, gloves and hat to walk the short distance from their little house to the dining hall. Isabel and Daisy were outside hanging garlands in trees made of popcorn and pinecones clustered with seeds and nuts. It reminded Deirdre of the story of Snow White and Rose Red. Fair Isabel, in her puffy blue coat, golden hair gleaming in the feeble winter sun, would be Snow White. Daisy, in a deep red cloak, her dark hair loose, was Rose Red. She was sitting on the front porch of the dining hall, her wand directing a red ribbon adorned with pinecones to drape itself around a nearby pine tree. Chickadees, jays, and finches swooped around her, sometimes lighting on her hair or knee as if they knew she was creating a Christmas present just for them. All that was missing was a great bear to appear and ask for shelter. Deirdre laughed to herself. Maybe that was the wrong story. They were werewolves after all. Maybe Daisy was really Red Riding Hood. "Do you need any help?" she asked, sending the birds around Daisy fluttering away in fright.

"No, we're almost finished. We'll be in in a few minutes," Daisy smiled.

The hall was full of light and warmth and chatter as Deirdre entered. Leaving her coat and things on an already overflowing row of hooks by the door, she headed into the kitchen. "Jane, what can I help with?" she asked, as she pushed open the door. But Gemma was already elbow deep in dough, Ana and Colleen were standing on stools washing up dishes, and Nana was humming and stirring something on the stove with her wand.

Jane was bouncing between different dishes spread over the countertops. Her wild and curly black hair, liberally streaked with grey, was twisted up on top of her head like a crazed bouquet. She looked over and laughed. "I am drowning in help, shayna maidel. There's a work rotation posted on the wall, I'm sure you're there somewhere, but for now just relax. It doesn't sound like your holiday has been all that happy so far. We're ready for our kaffeeklatsch!" she added in a louder voice to the room at large.

Isabel and Daisy came in then, leaving their coats by the door. Professor Price and Lina, who were in a corner with their heads bent close together over some papers, set whatever they were doing to the side. Artemis quickly cleaned up the table where she and Catherine had been helping their boys decorate Christmas biscuits. Ellie shooed Cadmus and Finn, with some good natured grumbling, outside with Leo, Nathaniel, Conor, and Caleb to play in the snow. Ana and Colleen were huddled in a corner with dolls, some nail polish, and their own mini tea party.

"Grams and Nana started this tradition with Rosa years ago," Jane explained as she handed Deirdre a pot of tea to pour out, "just a moment to pause and breathe between the preparing and the serving of any holiday meal."

"Oh, that's a lovely idea," Deirdre smiled, moving from person to person pouring tea. Isabel followed her with coffee for those that preferred it, and Gemma brought up the rear with a pot of hot chocolate. Once everyone had been served and was curled up on cosy chairs or cushions, plates of buns and biscuits were also handed round.

Grams settled back in a rocking chair, cradling a large mug of coffee. "How are the plans going for the snowball fight, tomorrow?" she asked in her raspy voice, waving towards Lina.

Lina looked like the cat who'd swallowed a canary. "Eglantine and I have some marvelous plans," she said smugly. "If everyone is willing to play to their strengths we have a very good chance at winning."

Grams let out a throaty chuckle. "Count me in. Now then," she said, staring straight at Deirdre, "why don't you fill us in on everything that's been going on?"

She almost dropped the tea all over her lap, she was so startled. "I, um, well, do you mean about Gareth?" she asked confusedly, hating everyone staring at her expectantly.

"Of course," Isabel said impatiently. "Half of us have only heard bits and pieces at most."

"It's all been a bit manic," Deirdre said, pulling her chair closer to a table. "But, I think Gareth's pretty well sorted now. At least I hope so."

"And you?" Catherine asked. "It can't have been easy, after all these years. I couldn't believe Joshua asked you to go."

"It wasn't easy," Deirdre admitted with a shrug. "It was a bit like it felt during the war — all that uncertainty and never quite knowing if the decisions you were making were the right ones, your nerves all taut and frayed." She frowned, wondering suddenly if her desire for Gareth was just a…a memory. Were they only drawn to each other because they'd been thrown together during desperate and stressful circumstances that felt the same as before? She tried to shake away the thought, things were confusing enough. "It was worth it, though," she finished softly, trying to focus. "Gareth was a mess, and without Remus and Professor Snape's help…I don't know what would have happened."

"Remus said you barely left Gareth's side," Artemis said, shaking her head. "But he also said it was all pretty awful, that Gareth almost died and then they were worried you were trapped inside his head in some sort of nightmare—" Her voice died away as she realized some of the others were staring at her in shock. "Sorry, I don't even know all the details. Remus seemed completely exhausted by the ordeal, so I can only imagine what it was like when you were there trying to cope on your own," she said to Deirdre.

Professor Price, sitting beside her, laid a hand on her arm. "Severus said you took very clear and concise notes. I'm sure you can give them an orderly account. Everyone has been so worried."

Right. So this was more pack meeting than tea party. Deirdre nodded and took a bracing sip of tea. "Joshua called me on the fifteenth," she began softly. "Maria had called him and said Gareth was in hospital…" She talked and talked and talked, Lina and Professor Price adding bits as she got around to describing the last couple days.

"So, he's okay now, isn't he?" Isabel asked, twisting a strand of hair around and around her finger as she sat crosslegged on a huge cushion. "Should we, I don't know, find a way to help him more with the company?"

"We did just sort of leave him to figure it all out," Catherine agreed, from the floor were she sat leaning against the arm chair where Daisy was sitting. "But surely we can hire people to help him if he's doing too much? Aren't things going really well for the company as a whole?"

Deirdre shrugged helplessly. Those sorts of questions and decisions were not her place to decide. "He did say he didn't like being on his own, that he missed all of you."

"That boy is darned good at what he does," Grams pronounced, rocking steadily in the old wooden chair. "He just let himself get carried away with big city life and then discovered he was homesick. Now that he's got his compass oriented again he'll be full steam ahead."

"I'm going to study international business," Gemma announced, looking around at all of them as though daring someone to challenge her. "Then I can go to work with him, maybe take some of the load off."

"You've idolized that boy since you met him," Ellie laughed softly, leaning over to kiss the top of Gemma's head. "But I think it's very good that you have a goal in mind for your studies, and I'm sure you'll do well."

"You were right, you know," Daisy said, looking very much like one of the little birds that had fluttered around her earlier, with her head cocked and her eyes bright as she looked at Deirdre. "Gareth isn't designed to be on his own, and he got a bit lost. But sometimes we have to walk through a dark valley to realize even when we couldn't see who was with us, we never were alone, not really."

"What about the two of you?" Isabel asked. "I mean, he was holding your hand when you two were walking up here earlier. I asked him over the phone and he didn't say anything. Well, he said a lot, but it was all these silly metaphors and it sounded like he just didn't want to tell me."

"I don't know what we are," Deirdre replied softly. "Even if I were considering…anything, I don't know how I'd fit in with all the toffs and the magic. His life is very…different than mine."

At that Artemis narrowed her eyes. "That sounds suspiciously like you don't think you're good enough for him." Deirdre didn't say anything, and Artemis gave a frustrated sort of huff. "Is this an English thing or a werewolf thing? Remus was just the same! It took a Seer, Ana, Sirius, his healing, and a whole extra pack of wolves to convince him he was worth the life he never thought he'd have. He was so worried about messing up someone else's life that he was willing to go through his own life miserable and alone." She threw her hands in the air for emphasis.

Deirdre looked down at her lap, and still said nothing. That was uncomfortably close to what she thought, that she'd wind up embarrassing Gareth or being a detriment to his career and his life.

"So was Xavier," Catherine sighed. "He was convinced his past cancelled out his future." Deirdre looked up and saw Catherine studying her, frowning. "I actually had to tell him to stop trying to talk me out of choosing him. Don't waste time doing the same thing. You are brave and capable and beautiful. And Gareth seems to like you just as you are, magic or not."

Jane made a thoughtful sort of face, pushing wayward wisps of hair out of her eyes. "I wonder if maybe you're being a bit short-sighted, thinking all of Gareth's life is toffs and magic and that there's not room for you in it. Surely he doesn't spend that much time at balls and fancy dinners."

"Don't everyone scold me," Deirdre protested, burying her face in her hands. "I'm at sixes and sevens as it is."

"Sorry," Artemis laughed, and ran her hand reassuringly over Deirdre's hair. "We aren't trying to scold. We love you and want you to be happy. I think Remus worries over you more than he does our own kids."

"He does?" she asked, raising her head.

Artemis nodded. "His biggest fear during the war was that Ana would lose both of her parents and not have people to take care of her who understood what it was like to be a werewolf, like Harry had been left with people who didn't understand his magic. And when both Circe and Alec were killed," she shrugged, "he saw you being left the same way, and he knew you'd already had a harder road than most."

"Where is Remus anyway?" Deirdre asked, desperate to shift the discussion off of herself.

"I actually have no idea," Artemis said, making a face. "Maybe he snuck off for a nap, or Sirius has him involved in something Christmassy and ridiculous."

Catherine laughed. "Xavier and George were going to help Gareth and Josh chop wood. I'm sure they've finished that by now and have have gathered all the other men for a campfire. Papá and Hawthorne started doing that years ago, the same way we do this, only they were sneaking away to get out of helping with dinner, and then slowly pulling the other men in until it became their own tradition. They'll be back in time eat."

"Back in time to eat and then clean up and do all the dishes," Nana pronounced, a sweet grandmotherly smile on her face as one foot in a little red shoe pushed her own rocking chair back and forth.

The conversation mercifully swung away from her as the other women discussed all the aspects of their lives that the others may have missed over the months and the miles that separated some of them. No longer the centre of attention, Deirdre could appreciate the love and care that was behind all the chatter and nosiness. Close to six o'clock there was a great ruckus as the men all returned, and the room was reset to its normal dining tables and chairs for their family dinner.

Deirdre was pleased and a bit uneasy to notice that Gareth's eyes found hers the moment he walked in the room. His face lit up when he spotted her, and he came right over, leading her to a seat beside him at one end of a table where it wasn't as loud. She was going to have to make a decision soon. The longer they stayed in this holiday sort of limbo the harder it would be to leave him again.

"Are you and Joshua all right?" she asked quietly.

He looked for his brother, who was pressing a kiss to Daisy's cheek as he handed her a plate of food. "Yeah, I think we're good," he said thoughtfully. "There's probably a few more conversations we need to have to get everything out, but I think he's willing to do that." He smiled at her in a sheepish little boy sort of way. "I should have tried to talk to him before."

The dinner was everything Deirdre had come to expect from a meal with the entire pack — more food than they could possibly eat and tonnes of laughter with everyone talking over each other. The men gamely cleaned everything up, and then people dispersed to put children to bed, play board games, or head back to their own little houses. It was a nice ending to a very emotional and confusing sort of day, and she was more than ready for a good night's sleep.

It was a little after one o'clock in the morning when she suddenly woke up, startled and confused about where she was, where Gareth was. As her brain slowly caught up with reality she found herself plagued by worries. Would he really be all right sleeping tonight? He'd had one peaceful night, but what if that thing tried to attack him again? Would Joel hear him? Would he know what to do? The worries tumbled around in her mind as she lay in her own dark, little room, unable to appreciate the comfortable bed. Maybe she should go over there and check. No, she couldn't do that. Who knows what someone would think if she saw her trying to sneak into his house? She could call him…and tell him what? That she was afraid. That she wondered if he needed her? She turned over and punched her pillow. He didn't need a babysitter, there were over a dozen people within earshot who had magic if something happened. She pulled the covers over her head, trying to force herself to go back to sleep. But it was no good.

Telling herself she was being completely ridiculous, she finally got up and got dressed. She could take a walk, sniff him out and listen to check that everything was all right. Then she could go back to bed. Stepping out into the the cold, dark night, she transformed, thankful for the warmth of her fur. She padded out into the snow, amazed at how alive the night was, how many scents were so clear in the crisp winter air.

She headed for the square little building he was sharing with Joel, laid out exactly like hers and Gemma's but with the front facing east. She circled the house, honing in on the corner room where she knew he was. She pressed herself against the side of the house, listening for anything out of the ordinary, but all was quiet. As she sniffed along the window ledge, just to make sure she had the right room, she noticed a glimmer of light at the tree line. Turning, she saw several glowing figures take shape, mostly wolves, but also a few silvery looking people with armour and weapons. They were silent, moving steadily among the forests and buildings. Oh, of course. She should have realized the warriors were here with them, always keeping watch. Thank you for keeping an eye on him, she whispered in her heart. Too keyed up now to think about sleeping, she decided to take her own little tour of the reservation. It should be easy enough to follow the boundary lines if they were scent marked, and then she could just circle back by here every so often and reassure herself that he was still sleeping peacefully.