Chapter 23 - Sometimes where there's life there's hope.
December 23-24, 2005

Alone in the small bedroom of the tiny mid-century house, Gareth lay on the bed, staring through the window at the snow falling. The moon was waning, but still brightened the yard considerably as it reflected off the snowy ground. He'd been awake for a while, just lying there in the dark, still room, thankful for the hours of restful, dreamless sleep he'd had.

Yesterday had been long and exhausting, but oh, so healing too. He and Joshua, with Xavier and George, had spent several hours out in the woods chopping the necessary firewood. Then they built a campfire, transfiguring bits of wood into chairs, and sneaking back to find Kieran, Remus, Sirius, Severus, Hawthorne and Joel and bringing them all out to the campfire. Joel was given the task of absconding with whatever snacks and beverages he could reasonably steal from his mom, and they sat out there for hours, bottles of lemonade and flasks of tea and coffee circling the group. The snapping and crackle of the fire punctuating the laughter and conversation about everything under the sun.

Gareth gave them all a bare bones sketch of what had been happening over the last year, and Kieran, who was sitting beside him, let out a deep sigh when he was finished. "No one thinks about the poor, stressed out Alphas," he said, shaking his head. The others snorted with laughter. "I'm serious!" he protested, his eyes crinkling as he grinned at them.

"No, I am," Sirius chimed in, ducking his head as someone threw a piece of fudge at him.

"I mean it's been a wild eight years, some of you gallivanting all over the world and most of the kids going off to school," Kieran went on. "I didn't know I had so many control issues. And don't think I haven't noticed the way you look at my daughter," he added, tossing Joel a mock glare. "If you want to be a permanent pack member I can certainly arrange that." Kieran mimed an exaggerated bite and there were equal parts laughter and eye rolling from the group as Joel shrank back a little in his chair.

"So," Kieran continued, clapping Gareth on the shoulder, "to save me an ulcer, fill us in on your plans. How are you going to move forward from this?"

"I don't have any plans at the moment," Gareth shrugged helplessly. "I'm trying to go slow. I…" He glanced around at the men all watching him, and Xavier, across the circle gave him an understanding nod. This is probably how he felt, after that fight at the karaoke bar, Gareth thought ruefully. Everyone staring at him, wondering how he got there, what it meant, and what was next. "I'm thinking about working out of the London office," he finally said. "I think Deirdre might be willing to consider giving us another chance. But I don't know what that should look like. After the way the officials treated her at the apparation center…"

"Beastly," Remus said flatly, huffing through his nose. "At least Severus managed to get the fat one back for his untoward comment."

The others looked expectantly at the Headmaster, who waved his hand dismissively. "A bit childish, but I managed a few stinging jinxes."

Sirius laughed, thumping him on the back. "Too right you did!"

"You'll have to discuss it with her, my boy," Hawthorne said sagely, stroking his bushy gray beard. "Conversation and compromise. That's one of the glues of a relationship."

"You know, she really surprised me a few nights ago," Gareth added, thinking back. "She got all dressed up and we went to this little bar in the town where Mamá was from. She talked with the school teacher and had him sold on starting a football club for the school in no time at all."

"Hey speaking of football," Joel murmured in an aside to Hawthorne. "What are the chances of sneaking out to a bar tomorrow to watch the Giants play?"

The older man chuckled. "I think he was actually speaking of soccer, not football. And the chances are nil. The entire day is blocked out for Christmas Eve activities. You'll have more luck suggesting playing football than watching it. But we could try to catch the Jets game on the twenty-sixth."

Joel grinned at him. "I haven't said it too often, but I'm glad Ma has you, has this pack. She seems really happy."

Hawthorne huffed and cleared his throat. "Not nearly as happy as I am," he said gruffly, patting Joel on the arm. "Not nearly."

"Well, I think everything will work itself out," Kieran pronounced. "Call it an Alpha's intuition. Daisy and I have had a lot of long talks over the years as I've had to learn to let things go, let people go the way they want. I've learned a lot about patience and a lot about prayer. We gotta trust that the Creator is helping work things out and then we can expect to be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy in the next. And when I look back on the last thirty years, since I joined y'all, I think that sounds pretty good."

"Me too," Joshua said softly. He was leaning forward in his chair, chin in his hands, elbows resting on his knees as he stared into the fire.

Gareth watched him, wondering what he was thinking. He felt as if he'd set Joshua aboard a train he himself couldn't catch, its destination a shadowy place of grief that he was barred from experiencing. But then Joshua caught his eye and gave him a tentative smile. They needed more time together. Winter on the farm was usually quieter than any other season, maybe Xavier could handle things for a while, and Josh and Daisy could come visit him in Peru, have a little holiday on the beach before the baby came. Maybe that would give them the time and space to have all the conversations they needed to still have.

Go slow, he reminded himself. You are recalibrating your whole life. There's no point in rushing things and maybe making it worse. He stretched out his legs toward the warmth of the fire, trying to stay focused on the present, thankful to be back here, sharing the ritual. Every holiday Papá had snuck them away from the chaos of the kitchen, where Grams and Nana and Mamá became whirling dervishes cooking and baking. He wondered if Deirdre was in the kitchen now, participating in that bedlam, and then felt a slight ache, dull, like the memory of a remembered, sharper grief, wishing Oscar and Rosa were still here.

Remus cleared his throat. "All due respect to Kieran being the Alpha, I still feel some responsibility towards Deirdre. If she is considering giving you another chance, what steps can you take to mitigate something like that happening again?" His voice was as calm as it always was, but he was clearly very earnest about the question.

"I'm not sure what to do," Gareth said honestly. "I can't help thinking if she could channel whatever she did at the bar a couple times a year, get dressed up and talk with the businessmen or politicians that I have to deal with, she'd be fantastic at it. But I don't want to ask her to do something she's uncomfortable doing. And I don't want her to wind up feeling trapped or that…that I'm not worth all the trouble," he finished, his voice soft and half embarrassed.

"Maybe you try to keep your work life and your personal life separated," Sirius suggested. "Lina's very good at it, though I'm not sure I would be."

"I'd thought about that," Gareth nodded, "but…the people I work with are actually really great. We've made a lot of progress within the company pushing back against prejudice toward no-mágicos, there's a very strong family culture there, and we do a lot of philanthropic work. They wouldn't understand a wife that wasn't somehow involved in things. But I couldn't guarantee that outside the factories, at some of the press events or parties, or in just normal day to day life there, that Deirdre wouldn't run up against people like those officials. Their wizarding society is very traditional and the pureblood families can be difficult. And it's inevitable that they'd meet. I hate to subject her to that."

"I'd be happy to lock you two in the greenhouse if you feel you need a quiet place to have a conversation," Xavier said in a soft voice, his face entirely sincere.

Gareth winced. "Yeah, I was pretty naive when I tried that bit on you. Sorry."

Xavier laughed. "I'm not complaining. I think it gave Cat the gumption to keep on at me until I gave in. And I'm pretty satisfied with how things turned out."

The men laughed, and even though Gareth's thoughts and feelings about Deirdre were still a bundle of confusion, even though he wished he still had Oscar here to shepherd him through life, it felt so good to be able to say all the things out loud, to have this solid group of men still willing to speak into his life.

They returned to the dining hall around six, and the dinner that evening was better than any feast described by Dickens. The tables were laden with everyone's favorites, and the room echoed with laughter and a hundred different conversations. Gareth had snagged a seat on the end, beside Deirdre, and was content to just let things flow around and over him, so grateful to get another chance to remember what it meant to be part of a pack, part of a family like this. By the end he was tired and ready to sleep, and still amazed he didn't have to fear the night any longer.

And now it was the morning of Christmas Eve. Gareth switched on the bedside lamp to check his watch. It was early still, just about five o'clock. He debated being lazy and seeing if he could sleep some more, or sneaking into the dining hall for coffee and treats in front of the Christmas tree. As he lay there, tallying up the pros and cons of each, he heard a faint scratching on his window. He turned his head to see a red werewolf on its hind legs, balancing against the window ledge. Deirdre. He smiled and got up to slide the window open. She transformed back, shaking snow flakes off her hair, her cheeks and nose pink from the cold. "I couldn't sleep, wasn't sure how you were doing on your own. So I went exploring, then I saw your light…is everything all right? You didn't have a nightmare, did you? You were able to sleep?"

Wow. Part of him had thought maybe with lots of other people around to take up the slack she'd pull away from him, thinking her duty had been discharged. She'd seen him though the worst of his recovery and now someone else could take over. But she'd been thinking about him. She'd been out in the frozen night air trying to distract herself from worrying about him. He felt warm despite the cold pouring in through the open window. "Yeah, it was fine," he said smiling at her. "I slept really well, not a bad dream in sight."

She glanced around at the dark early morning. "Well, if you're up now, do you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," he said. There was nothing he'd like more that to steal a couple hours alone with her before the rest of world was awake. With the snowflakes stuck on her eyelashes and her face tilted up, she looked so…so…enchanting, that's the word. And what he really wanted was to pull her in through the window and tumble her onto the bed to kiss her senseless. Slow, remember. You're doing things slowly. The walk was definitely a safer option. "I'll meet you out front." She disappeared around the corner of the house and he rummaged quickly through his luggage, finding a pair of jeans and a thick sweater. She was sitting in the rocking chair on the porch when he came out, blowing onto her hands to warm them up. "How about we get a thermos of tea before we head out?" he suggested, casting a warming charm.

"Brilliant," she said, and they trudged off towards the kitchen and dining hall. "It still surprises me how I don't feel the cold as a wolf, and then I change back and it's quite a shock. Of course, I haven't had much wolf time lately, all I do is work."

"Where are you working now?" he asked, watching his breath puff out in little clouds.

She let out a sigh that seemed to come from the tips of her toes. "Jane's place mostly. I've done some internships, but every social workers job I've applied for hasn't worked out. They hire in house or say they need someone with more experience. I'm not sure what to try next."

"Too bad they don't have wizarding social workers," he said. "I'd bet the statistics on magical kids from No-Maj homes or No-Maj kids from magical homes that deal with abuse or neglect is higher than the average. Look at you and Cat and Harry."

"Ugh, horrid thought," she shuddered, "but you're right. You know, perhaps Harry could say something to Mr. Shacklebolt, suggest they start a division like that at the Ministry. They'd probably listen since he saved the world and all."

He opened the door to the dining hall, warmth from the room flooding over them. The fairies in the garland were still twinkling away, darting in and out of the greenery with a musical sort of hum that he hadn't heard yesterday with all the people talking in the room. The tree was also alight, and he walked closer to look at it. More of the fair folk sat all over the branches, and he blinked at the sight of dozens of spiders with them, the fairies knitting away with spider's webbing, creating linked strands of shimmery tinsel that they draped here and there over the tree. Gareth shook his head with a smile and followed Deirdre into the kitchen. She filled the kettle and he heated it while she added tea bags to the thermoses she found.

They snuck a couple cinnamon rolls that were ready and waiting for breakfast, and headed back out to the wintery woods. The first several minutes were silent apart from the crunch of icy snow. It suddenly occurred to him that it was exactly eight years since that battle at Hogwarts, since that scene with his father that had fueled so many of his nightmares. But in the same moment he remembered something else and stifled a laugh.

"What's so funny?" Deirdre asked, looking up at him.

"I was just thinking that it's eight years since Hogwarts. And I was remembering you waking up in the corridor they set up as a triage and—"

"Ugh, don't say it," Deirdre groaned, hiding her face in her hands. Her leg had been mangled by falling debris, and in the painless bliss of a potion she'd thought she could limp to the hospital wing. Then she'd passed out on the way and Gareth had had to levitate her to Madame Pomfrey. The matron gave him quite the tongue lashing for letting her walk as far as she had. In clearing the wound of debris her blue jeans had been cut away. She'd woken up and tried to get out of the bed, befuddled by what had happened and why her trousers were missing.

"Hey it's a boarding school, so there's bound to be extra pants lying around. I can try to find you some," Gareth offered.

Deirdre clutched at the bedcovers in a panic, pulling them up higher. "Did they take my pants too?!" she squeaked, her face mortified.

He frowned at her, confused. "You just said you needed…I mean, it was pretty obvious when you pulled the covers back…"

"It was?!" her voice rose slightly, red splotches standing out on her cheeks.

"Hey, calm down," he said softly, leaning in closer. "Did you hit your head too? I don't know if they checked for head wounds, since you'd lost so much blood from your leg."

"You try calming down the next time you're sat in a hospital bed flashing your fanny about because no one mentioned they'd taken your knickers!" she hissed.

Understanding flooded in and Gareth was torn between embarrassment and amusement. "Whoah there," he said, holding his hands out in surrender. "Sorry, that was my fault! I forgot about the different words, that's all. We say pants for trousers. Your…your knickers are right where they're supposed to be."

"I thought I was going to die of humiliation," Deirdre said, shaking her head and laughing. "Sounds so silly after what we'd just been through, but I actually felt sick to my stomach in that moment. You must have thought I was a complete nutter!"

"No, I thought you were kind of adorable. You'd been so sure of yourself up til that moment, calling me out on my attitude at the farm and standing up to my father that night, fighting with me. That was when I started to hope that what Xander had said about you having a soft spot for me was true."

"Did he say that?" she asked in surprise. "I definitely had a soft spot for you by then, but Xander must have known that even before I did." She paused and sighed softly. "Some days all that seems so unreal."

"I know what you mean," he nodded. They walked in silence for a bit and then Gareth decided to forge ahead with the questions and worries that had been percolating in the back of his mind. "Could I ask you something…you don't have to answer now, just maybe to think about?"

"Yeah, go on then," she replied, glancing at him.

"The thing is, even though why you came, the reason I needed help was terrible, I…I've really loved being with you again. And I wondered if…you would think about giving me another chance?" His stomach had gone topsy turvy and he wished he hadn't eaten the cinnamon roll so quickly. He ducked his head to look at her, not that it gave him much of a clue as to what she was thinking. Her face was unresponsive except for the blotchy pink on her cheek, which could easily be interest, embarrassment, or anger.

But after a long moment she reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. "I will think about it," she said. "And part of me would like to say yes right away, but…the other part of me is afraid. What I said the other morning, about you needing a proper witch from the right sort of family…it's still true, isn't it? I mean, because your job is not just about running a factory or bossing some employees about. You have to entertain the billionaires that buy your products. And you have to deal with politicians that set tariffs and are trying to curry favor for your donations. That side of things feels…a bit much. It would be easier for you to have someone who's born to that life. And after what happened at the travel centre, I…I don't want to be an embarrassment to you and I don't want you to have to spend your life protecting me from people like that."

It made him feel better that at least she was worried about the same things he was worried about, just from a different angle. He squeezed her hand. "I understand what you're saying. But I wouldn't be embarrassed by you and would never mind protecting you." He gave a wry huff. "Most of my nightmares over the last year have been me trying to protect you. But I don't agree that I need someone born to that life. I didn't grow up in that life, and I was able to learn what I needed. My biggest concern is that I don't want you to have to put up with people's rude comments or be made to feel less than because you can't do magic. I don't…" he paused. "I don't want you to think we aren't worth it because other people are horrible."

She let out a slow breath, the cloud of vapor dissipating quickly into the air. Gareth could only pray his hopes wouldn't be dashed as quickly. "How would it work, do you think?" she asked. "I mean, with you in Lima and me in London?"

"I thought I'd try to work primarily out of the London office. I…I'd like you to get to know the people at the factories in Peru and understand how things work, and I'd need to commute once in a while for meetings or to pop in for product inspections, but I don't think I need to live there permanently."

She nodded. "I understand. And I will think about it, I promise."

"Good. Great. That's…that's great," he breathed in sheer relief.

They walked for over two hours, him babbling about far too many details of the business and the people he worked with, her explaining different cases she had with her internships and some of the beautiful and heartbreaking results.

When the sun was starting to rise they headed to the dining hall for a real breakfast, Gareth a little concerned that he was going to spend the rest of the day grinning like a complete fool. It had been so long since he'd felt this full of hope.