Chapter Three: Why or Why Not?
To her surprise, Lilly's elbows ached the most as she waited for the Headmaster to come to get her and Sam. Her knee bounced in place as she picked at the edges of her thumbs, drowning out the ticking of the numerous cuckoo clocks that were hung around the lobby before the Headmaster's office. Lilly squinted and groaned as the sun poked through the tall windows of the narrow space. It wouldn't have felt as bright if the room wasn't already draped in black and brown colors and furniture.
That morning, she felt groggy and dead, pleading with the world to stop turning, if only for an hour. Sam's words replayed in her mind most of the night, and by morning, she was convinced that this was her only option. During their walk to the Headmaster's quarters of the castle, Lilly fought with the memory in her mind, desperate to forget it all but haunted by Jackson's wicked grin and the taste of his blood on her lips. She shivered at the thought as she and Sam passed rows of live paintings while the air around her felt stale and cruel.
Why did this happen to her?
Why did she have to be the hero for someone else?
She looked down at her wrist, sloppily wrapped in gauze and a bandage she had found early that morning when she was half asleep. Its pulsating pain had dulled, but the ache and itch lingered over the same strange spot on the inside of her wrist. She'd given up trying to pinpoint the reason for her injury or burn, but irritation ate at the edges of her memory as she tried to remember and forget all at the same time.
Every emotion swirled in her mind and chest like a tornado, but she felt the most confused. Since morning, she had asked herself why at least a dozen times. Why her? Why Jackson? Why did he get so angry, and why did she put herself in such a horrible position?
She shook her head and tried to focus. All she had to do was tell the Headmaster what happened. She only needed her name and Jackson's. She wouldn't tell him about Kurt or Sam; she would say Sam was there for moral support and nothing more. The chain of events felt simple, but her wrist and chest burning was far more complicated. She felt sensitive, like ice cream on her teeth or an itch she couldn't scratch. Her gaze fell to her knees, wondering if the bruises and scrapes from when she fell to the stone floors made any progress after Sam's attentive care.
"Ms. Evans?" Lilly's gaze followed the voice to see a woman in long beige robes stepping halfway out of the door ahead of her and Sam. Her long silver hair was tied neatly in a sleek ponytail behind her head, while her curtain bangs were tucked perfectly behind her ears that pointed at their tips. She couldn't be more than 50, but she was older than 30, given the slight wrinkles around the corners of her bright and sparkly eyes.
Lilly's breath halted as her eyes widened. This woman was an elf or a hybrid of an elf and a human. Lilly had never met a hybrid elf in person, let alone see one so up close. She'd heard of them being avid hagglers and shop owners, and many of the shops in Hogsmeade were run by elves from all regions of the world, but Lilly never had the pleasure of greeting one.
She stood from her chair and slightly bowed to the woman. "Hi, I'm Lilly, and this is my friend Sam." Sam stood from the chair beside Lilly and did the same as she flipped her long blonde strands behind her shoulders.
"You're both here for Headmaster?" The woman's eyebrows pinched together as she looked the two of them over. While her face showed suspicion, her voice was soft and soothing like a songbird. The sweet sound made Lilly's cold shoulder feel warm and suddenly relaxed.
Lilly was about to submit until Sam spoke first.
"Yes. I came with my friend Lilly for support because I was there," she said. Her voice was firm and in control, and for a moment, Lilly's lips parted in shock as she watched her friend's shoulders straighten, her eyes never faltering from the woman in beige robes.
So much for keeping Sam out of trouble.
The woman nodded, motioning for the two of them to follow behind her. Lilly went first as Sam followed behind her, and they entered a narrow room with a spiral iron staircase ascending in its center. As if going through a narrow, stone tube, they followed the woman up the stairs, careful not to step on her robes as they dragged behind her. Lilly's stomach lurched with each step as dread filled every crevice and corner of her mind. She wanted to turn back and run, hide beneath the blankets of her bed, and never come out.
No. She had come this far.
No way was she turning back now.
She inhaled, holding her breath until she and Sam reached the top of the spiral staircase after what felt like days' worth of steps. She let out the air in her chest and gazed around a hexagon-shaped room with tall, slim windows on each wall that created its shape. The roof peaked in its center, creating a narrow point above them made of stone. They had to be in one of the tall towers at one of the many corners of the school, but just by looking at it, you would have had no idea this room could feel so small.
The colors and dark decor didn't help. The brown-planked walls were covered in maps, credentials, and old paintings of the previous Headmasters who had once held the same office. Golden trinkets hung between everything else, leaving little to no idea of the dark walls behind it all. On the opposite side of his desk were three tall bookshelves, polished beautifully with a black stain and finish. With hardly any room left, you would think the Headmaster could tidy up and do away with some of the old treasures since many looked dusty and useless.
Ahead of the spiral staircase was the plain wooden desk, hardly matching the antique interior of the rest of the room, as the only things upon it were two lamps, a stack of papers, and a large book half-sprawled across the desk. At the head of the room and behind the desk was Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, adorned in long robes of deep green, gold, and red that shimmered like velvet beneath the light of the two lamps. His shoulder-length white hairs appeared soft like silk, while the fine lines around his nose and eyes gave the middle-aged man wisdom and power. Something about his rosy cheeks and firm chin made Lilly feel squeamish, as if she was in the presence of a celebrity. She rubbed the palms of her hands with her fingers, dousing the tips of her nails in sweat before rubbing her hands against the fabric of her uniform robes.
"Lilly," Dumbledore mumbled as he stood. "And Sam." His thin lips curved into a mischievous smile, no doubt from their many run-ins throughout Sam's adolescence. He motioned behind him, waving his hand away as the mistress that led them there turned and descended the stairs. Lilly's eyes followed her until the edges of her robes descended behind her. Suddenly, the fear she'd felt all morning returned, settling deep in her stomach like a parasite needing to eat through. Her gaze returned to Dumbledore, who slowly moved back into his chair, pointing to the two chairs before him.
Lilly's hands trembled as she reached for the head of the chair, pulling it gently across the hardwood floors to avoid disturbing the silence in the room. Sam plopped down in the seat next to her, crossed her legs, and folded her hands in her lap, seeming confident and ready to talk.
Dumbledore looked at the both of them first and then to Lilly, who swallowed hard as if a rock was lodged behind her tongue.
"I don't usually see you here, Lilly," he said, his voice warm and raspy. "But your friend here," he looked to Sam, holding the same sparkle in his eyes as their gazes met. "I could show you a file this big," he held up his pointer and thumb with an exaggerated amount of space between them.
Lilly looked between them and smiled. Memories of her and Dumbledore constantly butting heads in their youth made her feel youthful, and she was happy to remember something simpler. When they were younger, Sam had found trouble in the castle's most harmonious parts, making everyone scratch their heads and wonder how they would handle her for the next six years. Lilly suppressed a chuckle as her eyes scanned the room until they fell on the edge of Dumbledore's desk, and time seemed to freeze as she remembered the real reason they were sitting in his office.
"What happened to your wrist?"
Suddenly pulled from her thoughts, Lilly glanced up to see Dumbledore staring at the bandage wrapped around her wrist. She rotated her wrist again, admiring the handy work she had pulled off so early that morning. Still, she couldn't quite remember how she'd gotten the mysterious wound in the first place. She shrugged and figured she might as well start from the beginning. Dread filled her stomach, but as she slowly filled her nostrils with air, she closed her eyes and relived the night before, filling the space around them with her trembling voice.
Sam reached for the hand in Lilly's lap as she retold the moments before Kurt showed up, her voice cracking as she tried to hold her composure before the Headmaster. She sniffled only twice before continuing to recall her and Sam's evening. Her words felt jumbled as she reached the parts with Jacksons hands over her mouth and the terrible feeling of his blood dripping down the corners of her mouth. She thought carefully, her words measured as she tried to think of a way to forget Kurt's name. She recalled how a fellow student had found them and tipped the scales in Lilly's favor before things worsened, which Dumbledore didn't seem to question. Besides, Kurt didn't need any trouble from her after his efforts from last night.
Sam squeezed Lilly's hand and nodded as silence refilled the room. She exhaled, realizing she'd been holding her breath as she reflected on the night before. She could feel her heart drumming against the skin of her chest as she waited for Dumbledore to say something. The room was silent, and Lilly could almost hear the creak in the floorboards and paneled walls when a gust of wind swept around the strong stone tower. She watched Dumbledore's face, waiting for it to change or move.
What was he thinking? Did he believe her? What would happen if he didn't?
Suddenly, Headmaster Dumbledore rose from his desk and walked toward one of the three bookshelves behind them. Lilly's eyes narrowed at Sam as she shrugged her shoulders. Confused, Lilly stood from her chair and waited for the Headmaster to turn around.
Was he upset with her?
Dumbledore held his hands behind his back as he scanned the shelves and the books upon them. He reached up and dragged his finger across two book spines until he stopped on a book with red and gold paisley over the spine. The book held a layer of dust across its edges and front cover until he wiped the mites clean with his long green sleeves. With the book presented in his hands, he stopped in front of Lilly and held it out for her.
Lilly studied his melancholy expression, and momentarily, she wondered if he had heard a word she'd said. Confused, she accepted the book and returned to her chair. She scanned the cover and backside, but no literature could be seen. Just plain crimson and gold vines that were dotted with shimmering textures. It was heavy and thick, and Lilly thought it had to be at least 1,000 pages. She turned the book on its side and noticed the golden edges of each page. She stared in awe and wondered what such a large book contained inside.
Dumbledore settled back into his chair across from them and folded his hands over his desk. "Lilly, that book has every student's name, the year they enrolled, and the year they are expected to graduate."
Lilly and Sam gasped as Lilly carefully pinched the edge of the cover between her fingers. The book's spine creaked like crumpling paper from years of inactivity as she opened the book to a random page, able to see every student's name written in intricate cursive with a feather quill and black ink. There were at least 20 names on each page, each written by the same hand and quill. She looked up to see the Headmaster's friendly eyes.
"I don't understand," she said. "Why are you giving this to me?" A puzzled expression spread across her face. She looked to Sam, whose nose was still buried in the book, and then she looked up and shrugged. Lilly shook her head, feeling frustrated when everything she'd told the Headmaster seemed to fade into the air. She was slowly beginning to feel stupid for coming here until Dumbledore reached for the pages.
"Here," he said as he grabbed four—no, five pages and turned to a new page with a new set of names. His large hand rested on the edge of the book as he tapped the name at the bottom right of the page.
Lilly gasped as she looked up from the book to Dumbledore. Her eyes widened.
"What? What is it?" Sam leaped from her chair to look over Lilly's shoulder, who pointed to a single spot on the page.
"Look," She told Sam, whispering as though she didn't want anyone else to hear.
At the bottom of the page was the name "Jackson Rodes," written in the same dark ink as the others above and beside his.
Lilly's gaze moved from the page to Dumbledore, whose expression was neutral, almost blank. "What does this mean?" Her voice cracked, and her eyes returned to the page in her lap.
Dumbledore cleared his throat, his voice more raspy as he spoke softly. "This is a magic book, Lilly. It knows who is attending the school, the day they arrive, and the day they will one day leave Hogwarts." Dumbledore reached for the quill on his desk and dipped it into the ink pot. "One single line can change the course of a student's success here," he said as he held out the freshly dipped feather.
Lilly took the quill from the Headmaster, her eyes wide as she slowly began to understand.
"What happens if she puts a line through Jackson's name?" Sam chirped, still leaning over Lilly's shoulder.
Lilly withheld a chuckle as she shook her head but waited for Dumbledore's response in case her assumption was wrong. She looked up, and his warm smile met her gaze. The sparkle returned to his eyes as they stared at the book in Lilly's lap.
"I cannot tell you I understand how you must feel, Lilly," he started, his voice low but steady, a quiet assurance woven into every word. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes, but Lilly blinked them away before they could escape.
"I want to give you control back, Lilly. If you cross out Jackson Rode's name, he will be on the first train back home. He will never be a student here again."
Lilly and Sam gasped in unison, their eyes darting back to the page. The quill in Lilly's hand trembled.
"Go on, Lilly! Cross it out!" Sam's voice shattered the quiet around them and made Lilly flinch.
Dumbledore lifted his hand. "Sam." His tone was firm yet gentle. "It has to be Lilly's decision. No one can make it for her."
Lilly strained her eyes as she stared at Jackson's name. She traced each letter with her eyes, carefully grasping the quill in her hands so as not to slip. To her surprise, her chest was hurting, and her mind was growing blank. She was beginning to see herself in the third person, as if she were an imposter, while the real Lilly Evans floated somewhere above their heads.
Could she really make this decision on her own? Dumbledore said he wanted to give her back control, but this was too big of a decision for her to make on the spot.
She looked back to Dumbledore. "I don't know if I can choose," she admitted, hanging her head low and carefully avoiding looking at Jackson's name. She felt weak against this type of pressure.
"Sometimes the decisions we make are hard," Dumbledore spoke softly. "Other times, the decisions we do not make alter the lives of the people around us, making their lives hard, and ultimately giving the decision to them." He folded his hands over the desk, his expression still emotionless.
Suddenly, Lilly's head shot up from her lap. The headmaster's lips curved into a thin smile. His cheeks looked warm and rosy, and he slowly nodded, urging her to continue. She understood now what Dumbledore was compelling her to do. As she gripped the quil intently in her palm, she thought of Sam and her friend Margarette in Herbology and every other girl in the school. She thought of Kurt, who she would leave here to thank for saving her. Her heart suddenly roared beneath her chest as Jackson's horrible words rang in her ears, his wicked smile flashing in her mind as she drew a solid line through his written name on the page. She slammed the book shut and sighed while Sam began to jump in place.
"Yes! I'm so proud of you, Lilly!" Sam screeched as she wrapped her arms around Lilly's shoulders and squeezed.
If seeing her friend's cheer made Jackson's memory fade from her mind, then why did she still feel sad?
Before she could stand, Dumbledore had made his way beside her.
"I'll take it from here, Lilly," he said as he reached for the book. Lilly lifted its heavy frame to him and watched as he placed the old book back on the shelf behind her.
"Now Jackson will never be seen here again!" Sam celebrated. "He'll be on the next train back home." Her smile beamed, lighting the room with an infectious feeling of glee, but Lilly remained seated with her hands in her lap.
"Sam." Dumbledore's rich voice carried through the room, making Lilly's skin dance with goosebumps while Sam turned sharply to face him.
"Give me a moment alone with Lilly. She will meet you downstairs." He gestured toward the door, which magically began to open, revealing the stone stairwell and the iron spiral staircase.
Sam's shoulders slumped as she looked at Lilly, who nodded for her to leave. Sam spun on her heels and left them with one final look of pity as the door closed behind her. Lilly gulped as the Headmaster approached his chair behind his desk and again took his seat. His neutral smile changed to something different. Lilly watched the corners of his eyes droop, and she wondered what this new emotion might be. Was Dumbledore sad?
"Lilly, I want you to know you did the right thing." His reassurance gave her a sliver of hope, but the ache and grief in her mind wouldn't let up so quickly.
She sniffled and swallowed hard against a ball of tears that were forming deep inside her chest. "Then why do I feel so awful?" She asked, allowing one tear to fall before the rest followed suit. Her chest heaved as she cried into her uniform sleeve. She heard the click of something small being placed in front of her and found a small box of tissues on the Headmaster's suddenly before her. She nodded between her sobs and reached for a handful, blowing her nose and wiping the damp spots under her eyes, suddenly feeling dry and tired.
"You must know that even if your decision was different, or even if you chose not to decide, Mr. Rodes would have still been expelled." His tone was serious, and Lilly was surprised and confused.
"It's just that— you didn't talk to Jackson or anyone else. Not even Sam. Usually, people would want to hear the other person's side." She wiped her cheek with her sleeve.
"Well, that would have been the case if Kurt Fowler hadn't come in earlier this morning." Dumbledore smiled sweetly as he tilted his head as if to get a closer look at Lilly, whose eyes were wide with astonishment.
"You mean… Kurt told you?" She cleared her throat and stared intently at Dumbledore as he slowly nodded.
"He came to me early this morning to report the incident with Jackson. I would have come directly to you afterward if you and your best friend Sam weren't already waiting for me downstairs," he said with a warm grin.
Hearing about Kurt's visit and the Headmaster calling Sam her 'best friend,' she suddenly felt incredibly grateful.
Dumbledore unfolded his hands and reached for Lilly's. She placed her now suddenly petite hand in his massive palm, feeling his warmth encompass her as a protective parent or mentor.
"If we allow a person's misuse of power to go unnoticed, they will abuse it until it consumes everything around them. Jackson's life is not over. He is not doomed for failure. However, we cannot have him here, jeopardizing the safety of others. Understand?"
Lilly nodded and sighed in relief, letting her shoulders fall. "Thank you, sir."
"I'm proud of you, Lilly. I hope you get to move forward from all of this as best you can."
She nodded again and stood from her chair. She headed for the door but spun on her heels before peeling it away from the wall. She paused, wondering if she should ask, but the worry she felt in the center of her chest forced her tongue. "Sir, will anyone know it was me?" She pinched her eyebrows together as the pit in her stomach grew more profound. Embarrassment ate at her insides as she imagined what everyone might think of her if they discovered she was the reason for Jackon's expulsion.
Dumbledore shook his head and leaned back in his seat. "No one has to know why or why not, Lilly. This is your story. You should get to tell it. If you ever want to."