Chapter 32: The Nastiest Shit Ever

The double attack on Justin and Nearly Headless Nick put the entire school into a panic. Curiously, it was Nearly Headless Nick's fate that seemed to worry people most. What could possibly do that to a ghost? What dark and unheard of power could harm someone who was already dead? Soon, it seemed like everyone was trying to go home for the holidays. No one felt safe being at a school where things could kill people that were already dead.

"At this rate, we'll be the only ones left." I said to Harry and Hermione as the Gryffindor sign up list was completely full. "Us, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. What a jolly holiday it's going to be."

News had gotten around that it was Harry that had discovered Justin and Nick, so that put even more into their thoughts that it was Harry that was doing this to people. Everywhere we walked, Harry would get points and whispers towards him.

Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. Sometimes, they went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through!"

Percy was a buzzkill about it.

"It is not a laughing matter," he said coldly.

"Oh, get out of the way, Percy," said Fred. "Harry's in a hurry."

"Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant." said George, .

Harry didn't mind. It made him feel better that Fred and George, at least, thought the idea of his being Slytherin's heir was ridiculous, like Hermione and I felt. But their antics seemed to be aggravating Malfoy, who looked increasingly sour each time he saw them at it.

"It's because he's bursting to say it's really him." I said as we passed by the disgruntled prat. "You know how he hates anyone beating him at anything, and you're getting all the credit for his dirty work."

"Not for long." said Hermione in a satisfied tone. "The Polyjuice Potion's nearly ready. We'll be getting the truth out of him any day now."

At last the term ended. We had Gryffindor tower all to ourselves, with the exceptions of my family. Fred, George, and Ginny had chosen to stay at school rather than visit Bill in Egypt with Mum and Dad. If it wasn't for the potion, I would have gladly went. Percy only stayed because he claimed it was his duty as a prefect to support the teachers during this troubled time. Despite the fact that he was the only prefect that did stay. Guess the others didn't get the memo.

Christmas morning came, and Harry and I were woken up very early by a very loud and very annoying alarm clock by the name of Hermione Granger.

"Wake up!" she practically screamed, pulling back the curtains at the window.

"Hermione! You're not supposed to be in here!" I hissed, trying to shield my eyes against the light.

"Merry Christmas to you, too." said Hermione, throwing a present at me. "I've been up for nearly an hour, adding more lacewings to the potion. It's ready."

Harry sat up, suddenly wide awake.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." said Hermione as she moved Scabbers out of the way to sit down on my bed. "If we're going to do it, I say it should be tonight."

At that moment, Hedwig swooped into the room, carrying a very small package in her beak.

"Hello." said Harry happily as she landed on his bed. "Are you speaking to me again?"

She nibbled his ear in an affectionate sort of way, and then allowed him to pet her. He took the gift from her beak, owned it, and groaned. The Dursleys had sent him a toothpick and a note telling him to find out whether he'd be able to stay at Hogwarts for the summer vacation, too.

"Aren't my relatives simply peachy?" said Harry, throwing his "present"in the trash.

The rest of his presents were much better. Hagrid had sent him a large tin of treacle fudge, I had given him a book called Flying with the Cannons, a book of interesting facts about my favorite Quidditch team that I knew he would love, and Hermione had bought him a very elaborate eagle-feather quill. Mum send him a new, hand-knitted sweater and a large plum cake.

Mum sent me her usual maroon sweater (when would this woman get it? I even hinted to her before I left for school that I hated maroon)and a box of homemade mini cherry pies, Harry had gotten me a book on muggle sports, Hermione got me a huge box of chocolate frogs, Bill had gotten me a miniature pyramid, and Charlie had gotten me a book on dragons that was really cool.

After presents and chasing Hermione out of our room so we could get dressed (I had gotten her a pink journal with never ending paper, suggested by Ginny), we donned our sweaters and met up with her later to head down to the Great Hall.

The Great Hall looked completely wonderful, as it did last year for Christmas. Dozens of frost-covered Christmas trees were placed, high enough to touch the streamers of holly and mistletoe that were crisscrossing the ceiling and enchanted snow that was warm and dry was falling. Dumbledore led them in a few of his favorite carols. Hagrid was getting wasted on the spiked eggnog the teachers had the pleasure of consuming. Percy, who hadn't noticed that Fred had bewitched his prefect badge so that it now read "Pinhead," kept asking all of us what we (minus Hermione, who thought it a violation) were laughing at. Malfoy, being the prat that he was, had started entertaining himself and his friends by making loud, snide remark about Harry's new sweater. Harry didn't seem to care. Who really cared about a git like that on one of the happiest days of the year?

Soon, Hermione ushered us out of the hall to finalize our plans for the evening.

"We still need a bit of the people you're changing into." said Hermione matter-of-factly, as if we were shopping and she was going to give us a list. "And obviously, it'll be best if you can get something of Crabbe and Goyle's. They're Malfoys best friends, he'll tell them anything. And we also need to make sure the real Crabbe and Goyle can't burst in on us while we're interrogating him."

"And how do you expect us to do that?" I asked skeptically.

"I've got it all worked out." she said, holding up two plump chocolate cakes. "I've filled these with a simple Sleeping Draught. All you have to do is make sure Crabbe and Goyle find them. You know how greedy they are, they're bound to eat them. Once they're asleep, pull out a few of their hairs and hide them in a broom closet."

Harry and I gave each other doubting looks.

"Hermione, I don't think..." I began.

"That could go seriously wrong." said Harry.

Hermione glared at us in a very McGonagall like manner.

"The potion will be useless without Crabbe and Goyle's hair. You do want to investigate Malfoy, don't you?" she asked sternly.

"Oh, all right, all right." said Harry, throwing up his hands. "But what about you? Whose hair are you ripping out?"

"I've already got mine." said Hermione brightly, pulling a tiny bottle out of her pocket and showing us the single hair inside it. "Remember Millicent Bulstrode wrestling with me at the Dueling Club? She left this on my robes when she was trying to strangle me. And she's gone home for Christmas, so I'll just have to tell the Slytherins I've decided to come back."

When Hermione left us to check on the Polyjuice Potion again, I turned to Harry with a doom-laden expression.

"Have you ever heard of a plan where so many things could go wrong?" I asked.

"Exactly." said Harry. "As if we could pull it off."

But to our surprise, stage one of the operation went just as smoothly as Hermione had said. We lurked in the deserted entrance hall after Christmas tea, waiting for Crabbe and Goyle who had remained alone at the Slytherin table, shoveling mountains of food into their mouths. Harry had sat the chocolate cakes on the end of the banisters. We hid behind a suit of armor, and watched the two foolish tossers approach the cakes.

"How thick can you get?" I whispered as Crabbe and Goyle grabbed the cakes. Grinning stupidly, they stuffed the cakes whole into their fat ass mouths. For a moment, both of them chewed, looking very pleased with themselves. Then, without the smallest change of expression, they both keeled over backward onto the floor.

"Half-wits." laughed Harry as he nudged one of them with his foot.

By far the hardest part was dragging them and hiding them in the closet across the hall. It felt like I was pulling a boulder. Once they were safely stowed among the buckets and mops, Harry yanked out a couple of the bristles that covered Goyle's forehead and I pulled out several of Crabbe's hairs. We stole their shoes because our feet would become boats and bust out the soles if we used ours, then we rushed to the bathroom.

"Hermione?" I said, knocking at the door. She emerged, shiny-faced and looking anxious. Behind her we heard the gloop gloop of the bubbling potion. Three glass tumblers stood ready on the toilet seat.

"Did you get them?" Hermione asked breathlessly.

Harry showed her Goyle's hair.

"Good. And I sneaked these spare robes out of the laundry." Hermione said, holding up a small sack. "You'll need bigger sizes once you're Crabbe and Goyle."

We stared into the cauldron. The potion looked like thick, dark mud and smelled like what I would imagine a swamp would smell like.

"I'm sure I've done everything right." said Hermione, nervously as she read over the potion in the book. "It looks like the book says it should. Once we've drunk it, we'll have exactly an hour before we change back into ourselves."

"Now what?" I whispered.

"We separate it into three glasses and add the hairs." she said, pouring large dollops of the potion into each of the glasses. Then, her hand shaking, she shook Millicent Bulstrode's hair out of its bottle into the first glass.

The potion hissed loudly like a tea kettle. A second later, it had turned a sick sort of yellow.

"Urgh - essence of Millicent Bulstrode." I said, scrunching up my nose. "Bet it tastes disgusting."

"Add yours, then." said Hermione, giving the potion the same look I was .

Harry dropped Goyle's hair into the middle glass and I put Crabbe's into the last one. Both glasses hissed and frothed. Goyle's turned the khaki color of a booger, Crabbe's a dark, murky brown.

I wanted to quit.

"Hang on," said Harry as Hermione and I reached for their glasses. "We'd better not all drink them in here. Once we turn into Crabbe and Goyle we won't fit. And Millicent Bulstrode's no pixie."

"Good thinking." I said, unlocking the door. "We'll take separate stalls."

Careful not to spill a drop of his Polyjuice Potion, I slipped into the last stall.

"Ready?" Harry called.

"Ready." said Hermione and I.

"One - two - three-"

Pinching my nose, I chugged the potion in one huge gulp. I almost gagged at the taste. It tasted like turnips, cabbage, and rotting meat. I felt like I was going to be sick.

My insides started writhing as though he'd just swallowed live snakes, then my body felt as if it was on fire. I braced myself against the wall of the stall. My skin started to bubble. It looked like I was going to explode. I watched as my hands began to grow. My fingers thickened, my hand expanded and felt heavy, my shoulders stretched painfully, my robes ripped as my chest expanded like a balloon being blown up. My dumbass had forgotten to take my shoes off, so my feet were agony in shoes four sizes too small.

Then it was over. I felt like a gorilla. I put on the now fitting snugly clothes and ran my fingers through my foreign feeling hair.

"Are you two okay?" came Goyle's ogre of a voice.

"Yeah. " I said, shocked at the hollowness and stupidity my voice now sounded like.

I opened the door and looks over at Harry, now Goyle. He stared back at me, looking as equally shocked as I probably did.

"This is unbelievable. Unbelievable." I said, annoyed that I sounded like the git.

"We'd better get going." said Harry, loosening the watch that was cutting into Goyle's thick wrist. "We've still got to find out where the Slytherin common room is. I only hope we can find someone to follow."

"You don't know how bizarre it is to see Goyle thinking." I said to Harry, smirking.

I banged on Hermione's door. "C'mon, we need to go-"

"I - I don't think I'm going to come after all. You go on without me." said Hermione, sounding almost like a squeak toy.

I started to laugh. "Hermione, we know Millicent Bulstrode's ugly, no one's going to know it's you."

"No! Really, I don't think I'll come. You two hurry up, you're wasting time!"

Harry looked at me, bewildered.

"That looks more like Goyle." I said. "That's how he looks every time a teacher asks him a question."

"Hermione, are you okay?" said Harry through the door.

"Fine, I'm fine! Go on!" she squeaked again. I knew something was wrong, but time was of the essence. We would just have to address it later.

"We'll meet you back here, all right?" Harry said.

We carefully opened the bathroom door, checked that the coast was clear, and set off.

"Don't swing your arms like that," Harry muttered to me.

"Eh?" I questioned, not even aware of what I was doing.

"Crabbe holds them sort of stiff..." said Harry.

I stiffened my arms up. "How's this?"

"Yeah, that's better..."

We went down the marble staircase. All we needed now was a Slytherin that they could follow to the Slytherin common room, but there was nobody around.

"Any ideas?" muttered Harry.

"The Slytherins always come up to breakfast from over there." I said, nodding at the entrance to the dungeons. A girl with long, curly hair came from the entrance.

"Excuse me." I said, rushing over to her. "We've forgotten the way to our common room."

"I beg your pardon?" said the girl, sounding uppity. "Our common room? I'm a Ravenclaw."

She walked away, looking suspiciously back at us.

"Pleasant, that one." I said as Harry and I hurried down the stone steps into the darkness. Our footsteps echoed loudly in the silence, sounding like when Mum would slap meat around on the table.

We wasted thirty minutes walking around obliviously when suddenly we seen a shadow heading towards us.

"Ha!" I said, excitedly. "There's one of them now!"

My excitement was diminished once I had seen it was Percy instead of another Slytherin.

"What're you doing down here?" I said, words running out my mouth before I could catch them.

Percy looked offended.

"That is none of your business." huffed Percy. "It's Crabbe, isn't it?"

"Wha-oh, yeah." I said.

"Well, get off to your dormitories." said Percy sternly. "It's not safe to go wandering around dark corridors these days."

"You are." I pointed out.

"I am a prefect." he said, puffing up his chest like a proud robin. "Nothing's about to attack me."

"There you are." came the voice of Malfoy from behind us. "Have you two been pigging out in the Great Hall all this time? I've been looking for you. I want to show you something really funny."

Malfoy glanced over at Percy.

"And what're you doing down here, Weasley?" he sneered.

Percy looked outraged.

"You want to show a bit more respect to a school prefect!" he said. "I don't like your attitude!"

Malfoy sneered and motioned for us to follow him. "That Peter Weasley-"

"Percy." I corrected, without thinking.

"Whatever." said Malfoy. "I've noticed him sneaking around a lot lately. And I bet I know what he's up to. He thinks he's going to catch Slytherin's heir single-handed."

I felt bad in thinking the same thing.

Malfoy paused by a stretch of bare, damp stone wall.

"What's the new password again?" he said to Harry.

"Er -" said Harry.

"Oh, yeah - pure-blood!" said Malfoy, not listening, and a stone door concealed in the wall slid open. Malfoy marched through it, and we followed after him.

The Slytherin common room was a long, low underground room with stone walls and ceiling that had greenish lamps hanging on chains from it. A fire was burning in a big and very detailed fireplace, and several Slytherins were sitting around it in chairs.

"Wait here." said Malfoy, pointing to a pair of empty chairs set back from the fire. "I'll go and get it my father's just sent it to me."

We sat down and tried our best to look like we belonged. It took a lot in me not to start beating my chest like a caveboy.

Malfoy came back a minute later, holding what looked like a newspaper clipping. He pushed it into my face.

"That'll give you a laugh." he said.

I read the article and forced a laugh that I really didn't want to give. What I really wanted to do was pummel the git.

INQUIRY AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, was today fined fifty Galleons for bewitching a Muggle car.

Mr. Lucius Malfoy, a governor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the enchanted car crashed earlier this year, called today for Mr. Weasley's resignation. "Weasley has brought the Ministry into disrepute," Mr. Malfoy told our reporter. "He is clearly unfit to draw up our laws and his ridiculous Muggle Protection Act should be scrapped immediately."

Mr. Weasley was unavailable for comment, although his wife told reporters to clear off or she'd set the family ghoul on them.

I handed the paper to Harry, trying desperately not to react the way I wanted.

"Well?" said Malfoy impatiently as Harry handed the clipping back to him. "Don't you think it's funny?"

"Ha, ha," said Harry bleakly. He quickly gave me a look that read "I'm sorry."

"Arthur Weasley loves Muggles so much he should snap his wand in half and go and join them." said Malfoy, rolling his beady eyes. "You'd never know the Weasleys were pure-bloods, the way they behave."

It was taking everything in me not to sock the tosser in the face. My face must have reflected my growing rage, because Malfoy looked at me and asked "What's up with you, Crabbe?"

"Stomachache." I grunted.

"Well, go up to the hospital wing and give all those Mudbloods a kick from me." said Malfoy, snickering. "You know, I'm surprised the Daily Prophet hasn't reported all these attacks yet. I suppose Dumbledore's trying to hush it all up. He'll be sacked if it doesn't stop soon. Father's always said old Dumbledore's the worst thing that's ever happened to this place. He loves Muggle-borns. A decent headmaster would never have let slime like that Creevey in."

Malfoy started mocking Colin, pretending to take pictures and speaking in a high pitched voice. "`Potter, can I have your picture, Potter? Can I have your autograph? Can I lick your shoes, please, Potter?"

He dropped his hands and looked at us, as we were not amused.

"What's the matter with you two?"

We forced out delayed laughs. The real Crabbe and Goyle must have done this all the time, because Malfoy seemed satisfied.

"Saint Potter, the Mudblood's friend." sneered Malfoy. "He's another one with no proper wizard feeling, or he wouldn't go around with that jumped up Granger Mudblood. And people think he's Slytherin's heir!"

The mention of him calling Hermione that intensified my rage. However, I had to keep my cool. Malfoy was surely seconds away from telling us it was him.

Unfortunately...

"I wish I knew who it is." sighed Malfoy. "I could help them."

My jaw dropped so that Crabbe looked even more clueless than usual. Fortunately, Malfoy didn't notice, and Harry, thinking fast, said, "You must have some idea who's behind it all..."

"You know I haven't, Goyle, how many times do I have to tell you?" snapped Malfoy. "And Father won't tell me anything about the last time the Chamber was opened either. Of course, it was fifty years ago, so it was before his time, but he knows all about it, and he says that it was all kept quiet and it'll look suspicious if I know too much about it. But I know one thing. Last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a Mudblood died. So I bet it's a matter of time before one of them's killed this time... I hope it's Granger," he said as if he were talking about his favorite Quidditch team winning a match.

I was clenching Crabbe's gigantic fists. I wanted to pummel him to the ground. I couldn't take sitting there and having the bastard talk about my best friend like that. I was glad Hermione didn't come. She probably wouldn't have been able to contain herself.

Harry shot him a warning look and said, "Do you know if the person who opened the Chamber last time was caught?"

"Oh, yeah. Whoever it was was expelled," said Malfoy. "They're probably still in Azkaban."

"Azkaban?" said Harry, puzzled. It dawned on me that he had never heard of it.

"Azkaban? The wizard prison, Goyle?" said Malfoy, looking at him in disbelief "Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward."

He sat back in his chair as if he were telling the greatest story ever. "Father says to keep my head down and let the Heir of Slytherin get on with it. He says the school needs ridding of all the Mudblood filth, but not to get mixed up in it. Of course, he's got a lot on his plate at the moment. You know the Ministry of Magic raided our manor last week?"

Harry looked as if he was trying to force Goyle's stupid face to looked concerned.

"Yeah..." said Malfoy. "Luckily, they didn't find much. Father's got some very valuable Dark Arts stuff. But luckily, we've got our own secret chamber under the drawing-room floor."

"Ho!" I said, quickly covering my mouth. Harry's hair was starting to grow shaggy like his normal hair was. I could even see his scar trying to appear. Harry looked at me as if I was starting to change back too.

We both jumped to our feet. "Medicine for my stomach," I grunted, and without further ado we took off out of the common room. As we ran, I could feel myself changing. My feet were shrinking, my hands were getting smaller, my body was stretching out and getting slimmer. By the time we reached the bathroom, both Harry and I were thankfully, back to our normal selves.

"Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time." I panted, closing the bathroom door behind us. "I know we still haven't found out who's doing the attacks, but I'm going to write to Dad tomorrow and tell him to check under the Malfoys' drawing room."

Harry checked his face in the cracked mirror, looking pleased as he put his glasses back on. I started pounding on the door of Hermione's stall, hoping she was still there.

"Hermione, come out, we've got loads to tell you!" I yelled.

"Go away!" Hermione squeaked. That was odd.

"What's the matter?" I asked. "You must be back to normal by now, we are."

Moaning Myrtle glided suddenly through the stall door. Harry and I had never seen her looking so happy.

"Ooooooh, wait till you see," she said with a giggle. "It's awful."

We heard the lock slide back and Hermione emerged, sobbing, her robes pulled up over her head.

"What's up?" I asked, wondering why she was crying. "Have you still got Millicent's nose or something?"

Hermione let her robes fall and I almost fell back into he the sight. Her face was covered in black fur. Instead of her usually nice brown eyes, her eyes were glowing yellow, and she had pointed ears poking through her hair.

"It was a c-cat hair!" she howled. "M-Millicent Bulstrode m-must have a cat! And the p-potion isn't supposed to be used for animal transformations!"

She turned around to pick up her things. It took everything in me not to laugh at her tail.