Ch. 4 - Talk No Jutsu (Part II)

Kakashi notices the way she looks at him now. He's not used to someone expressing worry for him, not used to someone wanting to comfort him.

But he likes the way she looks at him. The way she talks to him. The familiarity underneath it all that makes his chest feel strange.

Details are suddenly insignificant, forgotten in contrast to the heady air between them.

Watch the face. Study the expression. Sense the heart pounding loudly.

"Are you alright?" He asks before she can ask the same.

Inori collects herself, blinking slowly. She responds:

"I can't say anything to counter the reality of your life. But I just want to say out loud, into the air, that I hope you find someone."

She couldn't move on from this beat in the conversation without saying it.

"Whenever a possibility or opening arises where it can be safe to... I understand that it's not a safe or viable thing at the moment." Too earnest. "Even if you can't have something, you can still deserve it. Does that make sense?"

She said the silly thing with integrity.

Kakashi is silently touched by her words. An unexpected thoughtfulness. Such conviction out of the blue on a personal matter she knew nothing about.

The insight is uncomfortably intimate. He wants to squirm away from it.

Rin would have said something so simple.

Urged him to deserve something that could be his alone to have. That there are things in this world that don't need to be earned. That in his life, he's seen people worse than pond scum be doted upon.

Intellectually, he knows he can deserve love and affection like any other human.

Yet he never thought about it in these terms. What does he deserve? He's always accepted the reality of his life as it currently is. As it always has been and always will be.

Because love can never be unyoked from death, and it makes death unbearable.

Anywhere but here.

She hears the thought this time.

"It does make sense." He says quietly.

He looks at her, really looks at her —not just watching for signs and signals of a ghost beneath the skin— and his chest stirs with a different recognition than before.

A kindred spirit.

"Why do you care so much?"

Now she worries that she was overly involved and sentimental. A lifelong problem of hers is leading too much with emotion, acting before the brain catches up. She sits up at the question, taking her chin off her hand.

"Well..." Offer the truth. "I've never met someone like you before. You seem like someone who would…" She finds the word. "…cherish love. Hardly anyone cherishes connections nowadays. They're seen as a dime a dozen, a game of finding what's better out there."

Kakashi watches as she sits up, responding to his question with surprising honesty. It's true. People can be careless like that.

"You're already thinking about it far more than any guy I've ever met." Her laugh is dry. No tinge of mirth this time.

"I suppose so." It's true. He has thought more about love —a deep love— than any man probably should, all without ever experiencing it firsthand.

Inori sets the now-empty wine bottle on the ground behind her. Family alcoholism, yada, yada. She twists in her seat to face him fully. "Can I ask you something kind of personal?"

Kakashi cocks his head, his eye narrowing in interest. "Sure. Ask away."

"You've- you've surely..." She doesn't want to dance around it but also wants to be tactful. The question mortifies her deep down. "You've been 'intimate' with someone, right?" Her fingers air quote to emphasize the word.

Kakashi's eye widens, taken aback by the question. Speechless. It's not one he expected.

He hesitates for a moment, before answering in a low voice. He's not ashamed, exactly, but it's a rather personal question.

"I... yes. I have been."

She knows she put her foot in her mouth, but she had to get clarity on that. For someone who said he has no time for anything, there had to be some time for the most base of urges.

"Okay." The word is clipped, but she's satisfied with his answer. "I didn't think you hadn't, but given everything you said- I had, uh, I had to ask. Sorry if that was a bit much."

"No need to apologize." He reassures in good humor. "I don't mind you asking. In fact, I have a question for you."

She steps up to the plate. "Sure. Ask away."

Kakashi leans back slightly. "Have you..." He can't help the hesitance, the awkwardness of asking the question back. "Have you... been 'intimate' with someone?"

"Of course I have!" Too loudly. She catches herself and dials it down a notch. "I mean, yes. Mainly with my ex though... we were high school sweethearts, all that bullshit I used to believe in. The relationship continued waaaaaaay past its expiration date." Her words are loose.

"High school sweethearts, huh?" He repeats wryly. "That's quite romantic."

She gives him a wistful sigh.

"It was romantic, wasn't it? But it was childish. Not like anything I want now. I've kissed some frogs since. Well, more than kissed, I guess- just a few though!" She adds pointedly, picking up her wine glass out of habit. It's empty. She awkwardly sets it down just as quickly as she picked it up.

"And how were the frogs, dare I ask?" As much as he's teasing, he's genuinely asking. Is she single? Is she dating? Where does she find herself even as she sits in front of him?

"A mix of a waste of time and a little fun." She snickers at this. "But I want something serious- or someone serious."

His eye crinkles at the cheeky comment. But he hangs onto the way she longs for something different now. Serious.

"I see..." A hint of understanding in his eye. He understands perfectly. "Serious, though... That's a tall order."

She shrugs. "I think people make it out to be a tall order when it's really not." She traces a small circle on the table. "It's not that deep. You just have to take your life seriously and just have some respect for yourself."

The words simply come out like that. Maybe they're a bit harsh and judgmental, but she doesn't want to keep her thoughts from him. There's a real dissatisfaction and annoyance that she feels towards love at this juncture of her life.

She knows it'll pass. But it's the truth for now.

Kakashi hears the irritation in her voice. He knows it's not unfounded.

He muses quietly, mulling over her statement. Respect for oneself and one's life. Enough to maybe deserve something. "I suppose that's fair. But it's not always that simple, is it?"

"Maybe I'm just getting impatient." She glances up at him, wiping a hard glare from her eyes. None of this is directed at him, after all.

In his own way, he understands the feeling. The frustration of yearning. Wanting more.

"I wouldn't worry." His voice softens. "You don't seem like the type to settle for anything less than what you want."

Considering her life, that couldn't be farther from the truth. Maybe she's too good at faking it. Faking being the person she wants to be.

"On that note, we should get back inside."

The air suddenly feels brisk, and goosebumps run up her arms. It's dark, the cloud coverage obscuring the moon. There's barely a distinction between the ocean and sky now. Kakashi silently looks up into the solid mass of clouds.

She raises an eyebrow at him, finding it hard to believe that he had time on his hands to be idle with her like this. To shoot the shit.

He hears the thought.

"I make time for things I find worthwhile." He says without looking at her, gazing skywards.

Inori takes the opportunity to observe his profile. His face shifts and hints at a smile underneath the mask. There's a liveliness in his eye that belies how heavy the conversation has been. Kakashi feels her gaze on him, the way her eyes drink him in.

"Happy to have been worthwhile." She finds the sentiment oddly charming. He likes how the word finds its way back to him.

Her presence and attention have lightened his mood. Lightened his heart. And threatened to change his mind.

He's grateful for the reprieve from his inner monologue, the constancy of it, even if just for one night.