Chapter Eighteen

Jocelyn and Clary were informed about Luke's return, and they visited a few days later. Luke was more mobile, but needing to lay down often.

Simon sat with Clary as she told Luke about her studies and her time in Idris, but they both could see he was tiring quickly. They excused themselves, left the warehouse and walked to a nearby park.

"It's so good to be back!" said Clary, as they sat together on a bench.

Simon took a deep breath. The cold air calmed him down. He'd made up his mind; he'd thought about this a lot, but it was still hard.

"Clary, there's something I need to tell you." said Simon, uncharacteristically serious.

"It's not that you want nothing more to do with me is it? That all this is too much, too weird?"

"No! No, that's not it. Just hear me out; I think we both know I've been kind of a dick about Jace and your new Shadowhunter friends."

"Maybe just a little." said Clary, a small smile on her face.

"And I know why, but I was afraid to tell you. But, I'm just driving you away anyway, so I'm going to say it and let you decide. I've been a dick lately because I'm jealous. I'm jealous that you are all angel blooded demon hunters, that they all get to spend time with you while I'm here in Mundanesville. But mostly I'm jealous because… I'm in love with you, Clary. I know this is awkward. I know you're seeing Jace. I'm not even really expecting anything from you. But… I had to tell you."

Clary didn't respond immedietly. Simon never enjoyed pauses in conversation, and especially not after saying something so monumental, so he spoke again.

"You're disgusted with me, aren't you?"

"No, just give me a moment."

Simon fidgeted, but kept quiet.

"Okay," Clary spoke, looking off into the distance. "This love thing, it's all new to me. I thought I got what it was; 'I've read a lot, seen a lot of movies, come up with my own stories. I got it.' But I didn't, not until it happened to me. Even when people would assume we liked each other, or that you liked me, I didn't think about it, but once I started seeing Jace, and felt what it felt like, I could start to see it in how you treated me.

She turned to look at Simon now. "I don't feel that way about you, but I love you. You're my best friend. So, if you can stand being around me, I still want to be your best friend.

"It's been exciting meeting all these new people, but – as cliche as this is going to sound – they're not you. I was sitting in my dorm the other day and it occurred to me, 'Oh my God, my dad looks like Race Bannon from Johnny Quest."

Simon started giggling, despite his sadness. "You're so right! Why didn't I think of that?!"

"Exactly! I started laughing too, and then I realized, 'There isn't a single person here who would think that's funny. They wouldn't even know what I was talking about. But, I knew you would, you just did! I can't tell you how many times I've had jokes fall flat with my new friends.

Clary paused. Simon stayed quiet, he knew her well enough to know she was still gathering her thoughts to say something else. "And, you know how I always thought Spiderman was kind of lame, with all the angst about, 'With great power comes great responsibility?'"

Simon smiled, remembering that conversation. "Yeah, as I recall you said something like 'Really guy, you're a superhero, just deal with it!'"

Clary laughed. "Yeah, and you argued with me, saying it was hard for him. I get it now. I've got the power, I'm training, but I miss you. I miss you so much."

"I've been telling myself it's like college, I just started early. I can go live at the New York Institute with the Lightwoods after this. We'll see each other. You'll get married to some amazing person. You'll want to name your kid something awful and I'll stop you. I've got it all planned out. We'll publish graphic novels together on the side."

Simon let himself get pulled into that vision. It was different than what he had dreamed about for all these years, yet he felt oddly happy thinking about it. "That sounds awesome. What does Jace think of all this?"

"I really like Jace, but if he can't deal with us being best friends? That's a deal breaker for me. I know this is still hard. I'm not trying to ignore your feelings. It's just, I know it can work out. Mom and Luke worked it out. We can too."

Simon keenly felt his broken heart, but he also had a deep sense that everything would be okay. "This isn't me trying to be flirty, but that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Yeah, we can work it out."

"Good," said Clary, in a tone that suggested they just sealed a deal. "Want to go get some coffee? I'm freezing."

"Sounds good to me."

"Jocelyn, about Valentine and I…" said Luke, the words feeling cold in his throat.

She and Luke were sitting in Luke's cell area. He was resting on the bed, Jocelyn sitting on a chair by his bedside. This was the first time they had been alone since he returned to his human body. He was exhausted, but he felt he should at least try to address this. He didn't think he could say all of what had transpired between himself and Valentine yet, but he could share some.

Jocelyn surprised him by reaching over and clasping Luke's nearest hand with both of hers, then she looked him dead in the eye.

"You don't owe me anything concerning Valentine, and as shocking as it sounds, he seems like a changed man."

"But, Jocelyn-" Luke continued.

"- I mean it." interrupted Jocelyn, in a tone that brooked no argument. "You had a relationship with him too, he was your parabatai for goodness' sake. If you feel you need to tell me something later, I'll be here, but for now, there is nothing you need to say."

Jocelyn must have seen something on his face, that he wasn't convinced, because she continued. "You gave me time, after the Accords. You could have pushed me or followed me, but you didn't. You let me do what I needed to do. Let me do that for you now. Do what you need to do."

She gave his hand a squeeze before letting it go.

Luke decided to listen to Jocelyn for now. He nodded to her, to let her know he would drop the subject. She nodded back to him.

"I did have another unrelated question about Valentine." said Jocelyn, in a lighter tone. "About him and myself. And Clary. She is, not surprisingly, confused about him and I."

"Has she said so to you?"

"Yes, she was quite direct about it after first meeting him. 'You should have known he was trouble.'" she said, mimicking her daughter. "Between my reintegrating into Idris, and her studies we haven't had much time to talk about him.

"I want to explain to her why I did what I did, so I've been revisiting our marriage, and the more I think about it, the more warning signs I can see. Not his views about Downworlders; I've already gone over that ad nauseam, but he and I as a couple.

"Do you remember my friend, Madeline? She was the only one who told me not to marry Valentine. I've reconnected with her. She has been kind enough not to say 'I told you so.'"

"I was so overwhelmingly attracted to him, that I didn't stop long enough to see if our personalities were suited for marriage, if there was anything underneath that to sustain us. I'd like to say I felt social pressure to marry him and have children, but I didn't. I was caught up in the romanticism of quickly marrying,

"Do you think I'm being overly critical? You're the one best suited to tell me, since you knew us both so well at the time. Were we well suited for each other? I want to tell Clary the truth, but sometimes it's hard to know what the truth is."

Luke thought back to Jocelyn and Valentine at the time, their personalities. This was different for him, as his memories of their courtship were mostly saturated with sorrow about not being with Jocelyn himself.

"I don't think Valentine truly comprehended your passion for art. He recognized your skill, but I don't think he realized it was more than that, it was a need of yours to express that way, and to see other people express themselves that way as well.

"Similarly, Valentine was incredibly interested in self improvement: of the mind, body, and soul. He was always searching, for new ideas and for people and places to test what he learned. You, on the other hand, could easily be happy alone for days with paints and a canvas. That's not to say you didn't care for each other."

Jocelyn looked peaceful. "Thank you. I didn't really understand that about Valentine or myself when we married. I was young. I knew that others didn't devote as much time to art as I did, but I didn't understand that not everyone saw the world they way I did.

"I thought I could convert Valentine somehow, that I could make him see as I did, and he did the same with me. We weren't understanding each other."

They paused for a moment.

"Luke, would you mind if I brought Amatis in here now, and asked her the same question?"

"That's fine."

Jocelyn stood up, and walked out of the cell area. Luke took the chance to close his eyes. He opened them when he heard the door open and heard their footsteps.

"I'm glad you called me. I was just starting to plan dinner." said Amatis cheerfully. "Lucian, will you be able to eat tonight?"

"I don't think I can stay awake until then."

Amatis put the back of her hand on Luke's forehead. "You feel alright, but you're eating breakfast tomorrow." Luke pursed his lips, which Amatis immediately responded to with, "Get that look off your face."

Jocelyn started laughing, then changed the subject.

"Amatis, I asked you in here because we were talking about Valentine and myself. Clary has been wondering, to put it bluntly, why I married Valentine, and I wanted to ask your recollections. Do you think Valentine and I were a good match?"

Amatis sighed. "That's a tough one, Jocelyn."

"It's okay. Please tell me what you remember."

"Well, from what I recall, there was a whole lot of emphasis on how beautiful you were, how beautiful he was, and how beautiful your Nephilim babies would be. Which they are, by the way."

Jocelyn smiled, amused. "Thanks, that's a better way of saying it."

"Better than, 'You two just wanted to jump each other?'" asked Amatis with a grin. Jocelyn laughed and Amatis joined in, to Luke's surprise. Jocelyn turned to him and said, "This is what I was trying to tell you. Madeline basically told me the same thing. I'm not the only one who came to this conclusion. I think Clary can read between the lines!"