Jordana Amore's Really Got A Hold On Me

by anothergleekgirl

SEE A/N INSIDE FOR MORE. [RACHEL-CENTRIC. S2 Canon/AU] Rachel's pain and insecurities over losing Finn to Quinn lead her into the path of a dangerous & devious man. As she struggles to stay afloat in her dark new world, those who care about her fight to help her. Heavy mother-daughter & Finchel endgame. Other Cast: Jesse/Kurt/Puck/Mercedes/Schue/Carole/Gleeks/OCs. ***TW - S.A.***

7. Ch 19 - Delusions

CHAP 19 - DELUSIONS

---

"How's school been going, Rachel?" Carole asked as she set the large salad bowl down in the center of the dinner table.

It was the first time in weeks since 'the incident' that Rachel was attending a Hudmel family Friday night dinner. Rachel had wanted to skip it, but thanks to the look on Finn's and Carole's faces when they invited her - not to mention Kurt's incessant pleading, she just couldn't say no.

"It's fine."

Carole smiled softly, eyeing the girl carefully. She was waiting for a more elaborate response that apparently wasn't coming. "Fine is good, I suppose. Finn says you're back in Glee rehearsals too, but that you haven't been singing yet. Your ribs are still healing though, so I guess it makes sense. Are you still having much pain?"

Rachel nodded once as she set the dinner plates around the dining room table. "Sometimes they still ache a good bit if I overdo things. I don't mind just being a fly on the wall though. I just pitch in ideas where needed."

The older woman paused and took Rachel by the hand. "Except you haven't been participating at all, have you?" When the only response Rachel gave was a lack of eye contact, Carole pressed a little further. "Finn said you won't go into the auditorium, not even to sit in the audience seats to watch rehearsal. Sweetie, is being in Glee club what you really want right now?"

Reading the concern etched in the older woman's face, Rachel could tell where this conversation was headed. Why should she see a therapist when there were people like Carole and her fathers and Shelby always willing to push her to talk about things she only wanted to avoid?

"Of course!" At least her acting chops were still intact and getting a stellar workout these days. "You know, I'm the co-captain. I'm needed and expected to be at rehearsals, but the auditorium seats are simply too uncomfortable for me to sit in for an hour, you know, while I'm still healing and all, so..."

Carole watched the younger girl sympathetically, knowing she was trying to avoid the deeper issues underlying the conversation. She decided to use a cautious approach. "Rachel, honey, you sit through classes for the same length of time or longer in far more uncomfortable chairs. But I'm sure it's not easy moving through such a big building between classes. Sweetie, I don't want to pressure you, but you know you can talk about anything at all with me, right? And anything you might want to say could stay just between us."

Rachel pulled her best fake smile. "Talk about what? There's nothing to say really, Carole. I'm fine. School's fine, glee is fine. I just need more time to let my ribs heal and everything will go back to the way it was. But thank you for the offer, and for your concern."

Rachel could tell by the look on her face that Carole wasn't buying her line of total BS, and on many levels it sickened her to continue lying to the people she cared about. But it was a matter of survival for Rachel now; she'd already told herself the only way things could ever go back to normal was if she downplayed what she was really feeling, so others wouldn't press too hard or make too much of a fuss. If Rachel said there wasn't a problem then eventually everyone would accept it as the truth and they'd all put all of this unpleasantness behind them.

But the truth was, Rachel was terrified to go back to the auditorium, to be near a stage – any stage. A theater setting only served as a reminder of the horrible mistakes she'd made. The idea of being in a theater setting only intensified the nightmares and brought back entirely too many memories of her stupidity and naivete and she just didn't ever want to face the ghosts that haunted her. She vowed she would never become that foolish, tormented girl ever again.

So she avoided.

Carole's eyes bored into the tiny brunette's big brown orbs, wrestling herself with how far to push this discussion. As far as Carole was concerned, the idea of Rachel avoiding the stage and the spotlight was like Finn giving up the drums and football; unnatural and just plain wrong. And she knew full and well it was the unattended emotional trauma being left to fester that made Rachel feel like this. She knew Rachel needed professional help, but she also knew forcing the girl to deal with that reality was a bad idea that could only worsen the girl's state of denial.

In the end, Carole decided to pull back, figuring at least she had opened a door on the subject. Rachel would talk if and when she was ready – or so she hoped. "Okay. Your dads mentioned that Shelby's been visiting your house more often. They said you two have been spending a little time together. How's that been going?"

Rachel nodded curtly as she began slicing the fresh baked loaf of bread on the cutting board at the center island. She exhaled quietly, only slightly relieved at the change in topic – although this one wasn't much better.

"It's fine. Shelby is trying. I can see that. Mostly she tells me stories about her coaching show choirs and sometimes she sprinkles in anecdotes about her family while she was growing up. We haven't talked about me or my life, but I'm not ready to share things with her anyway. Mostly I just sit and listen to her talk. I don't know how to trust her, and telling her personal things about myself feels like letting a stranger in."

"I think I understand what you mean, and I don't blame you; trust doesn't come easily, or overnight. Still, I think it's wonderful that you're at least giving her another chance, that you're willing to try."

Rachel shrugged noncommittally but said nothing more on the topic. Carole could see what Finn had been complaining about; the girl was more withdrawn and much less chatty than her usual bubbly self. She couldn't help but notice the drab look in the younger girl's eyes and her less than perfectly straight posture. She looked tired. She looked as if she'd aged fifteen or twenty years and all the light, glowing cheerfulness that usually oozed from her was gone.

"Are you sleeping well?"

Rachel sucked a slow breath feeling a little impatient with the stream of uncomfortable questions. But this was Carole, and for all intents and purposes, the closest thing to a REAL mother she may ever have. Rachel knew the woman worried about her and cared for her, so she'd forgive the intrusiveness of all the questions, at least for now while she was in the woman's home. She continued slicing the bread, answering without looking up from her task. "Fine... for the most part."

"Bad dreams still?"

"They're getting better. Nothing I can't manage." More lies. The oven timer dinged as she was still speaking. "Oh! Looks like the potato casserole is done!" Rachel thought to herself 'saved by the bell'.

"I've got it dear, just finish up with the bread," Carole smiled as she grabbed the potholders.

Just then, Finn popped in from the back door that Carole was passing on her way to the stove. "Hey Mom," he pressed a quick kiss on her cheek then promptly took his place near Rachel, bumping his hip into hers gently while smiling his dopey half smile. "You girls about done in here? Burt says the steaks'll be up in a few minutes." He reached in front of Rachel and swiped the butt end slice of bread from the basket she'd placed it in, shining a wide grin down at his petite girlfriend before chomping a big bite from it. "And yes babe, your fake steak was the holdup. Burt had to scrub the grill down first before he could cook it."

Rachel flashed a small smile and slapped him playfully in the belly with the back of her hand. "It's not fake steak, Finn. It's a veggie alternative and is far healthier than that slab of fat and gristle you intend to devour."

Finn waved around the uneaten piece of bread remaining in his hand as he spoke. "Maybe, but my slab of fat and gristle tastes a lot better than that soybean junk of yours," he grinned and dropped a quick kiss on top of her head.

Carole smiled at the teens' interaction as Burt came in with a giant platter of food. "Hot stuff, comin' through!" he announced. "Hey, is that son of mine back yet?"

"Oh sorry hun, I forgot to tell you, he called a little while ago. He and Blaine got held up on Lincoln Avenue due to a fender bender or something blocking the road. He said they had to detour and they'd be about fifteen minutes late."

"Well they better shake their tail feathers, 'cause I'm too hungry to wait and the food's getting cold. I'll throw a couple of these beauties in the oven to keep 'em warm for the boys, but they can fend for themselves for everything else. That's why god invented microwaves, after all."

. . . . .

It was just over three weeks since the incident in Columbus. Her ribs were healed enough that she could breathe without feeling the ache, but too much physical activity still aggravated them. This meant much less pain medication and in turn, more awake time in a day – fantastic, just what she needed. More time to think about what a completely foolish whore she'd been.

She'd let herself be turned into some monster's little sex toy and be used over and over. It didn't matter that she didn't want it to happen, it mattered that she kept letting it happen and she still couldn't understand why. She was convinced there was something deeply wrong with her, some twisted part of herself that must have liked it. Why else would she have allowed it to continue?

Looking at herself in the mirror after her shower, she felt like she was staring at a stranger. Was she ever going to stop feeling like this? As much as she tried to forget, at weird random times the sudden memory of the feel of Mr Ellis's hands or mouth on her body would hit her and she'd want to come out of her skin. A wave of nausea would roll through her gut and she'd remember the punches and slaps and her skin crawled remembering how his hot breath felt against her neck or ear as he muttered filthy words to her.

The worst part was the memories of her being so humiliated with his hands or ... other body parts inside her. Her body betrayed her time and again, no matter how she fought against it. Every shower, every Broadway poster in her room, every time she saw the skirts in her closet, it all seemed to bring these memories to the surface and she didn't know how to make it stop. Visual cues, certain scents and even temperature changes triggered reminders surrounded her everywhere she went now.

It didn't help that his brutal attack had left these other more permanent visible reminders on her body. At least Shelby's miracle cream and makeup tricks had served their purpose. The smaller cuts and bruises on her face were healing and nearly undetectable now, so she could get away with less coverup. Yes she knew the black eye was still there, sort of, but it wasn't black or purple anymore. Now it was sort of a washed out fading greenish-brown and mostly only around her eyelid – easily remedied with some concealer and a pinch of eye shadow.

Her other minor bruises on her neck and arms were fully healed already and her concussion headaches faded long ago. Physically, she was in pretty good shape, other than her ribs.

Emotionally, she was doing well enough concealing her feelings to skate by.

Well, she thought she was anyway, until two nights ago when she let herself have a kind of deep steamy makeout session with Finn, and it all sort of unraveled...

"Baby... I love you so much Rach," he breathed against her neck as he gently sucked at her pulse point. He felt her stiffen slightly. "You okay?"

"Mmmhm... just keep going Finn." They'd only shared a few chaste kisses usually on the cheek since 'the incident' but she found herself missing the feel of Finn and wanting to continue what should be a normal relationship with her boyfriend.

Rachel rationalized that the only reason the memories of Mr Ellis were so strong was because she had nothing else to compare them with or erase them. She thought maybe Finn could help replace some of the bad memories with newer, better ones, and the memory of her shameful behavior would finally dissipate.

So on a night while her father's were out shopping leaving the teens at her house alone, she kissed him hotly before the end of one of those Ironman movies Finn loved so much. Finn was unsure how to respond at first until she plunged her tongue into his mouth deeper, then his body sort of went on autopilot responding to hers.

As he held her in his arms Rachel savored the feel of his lips against hers and her body started to move of its own accord. Her eyes were wide open most of the time but her body was still reacting to his soft tender ministrations. His touches were always so gentle and loving and nothing like Mr Ellis'.

Without thinking, her hands were suddenly sliding through his hair, tickling at the nape of his neck, grazing over the muscles of his broad shoulders and dragging down to the waistband of his khakis. It felt like something she was automatically supposed to do, to reach for the zipper on his pants, but she managed to fight that urge. Finn wasn't Mr Ellis, she repeated in her head over and over.

Finn kissed his way from her mouth to her jaw then her neck and ear. She didn't stop him, but she felt a slight change in her body language, a tension. That gin soaked breath crossed her mind and she pushed the demons away, trying to stay in the moment. This was FINN. She focused on his mouth as his tongue traveled down to her collarbone and he kissed his way to the center of her chest above the hemline of her blouse, tasting the exposed skin there.

They laid awkwardly on the couch with her partly beneath him, allowing him to move his mouth across her exposed skin while his hands gently caressed over her shirt along her sides. He was leaning at an awkward angle being extra careful not to put his weight on her, given her healing ribs. This was only Finn, her Finn. He was safe and she needed to let this happen. He loves her and she wants to please him. She repeated that mantra in her mind over and over.

She felt his fingertips lightly graze the size of her breast through her clothes and without thinking, she wrapped a leg behind his thigh. She was wearing yoga pants, the fabric so thin it did little to conceal Finn's arousal. The feeling of his hardness against her sent a shockwave of repulsive memories flooding through her but she tried like hell to push them aside, reminding herself again this is just FINN.

As his thumb slowly danced in small circles along her side, she felt it inching closer to the front of her chest. He continued working his mouth across the skin at the hollow of her throat and over her collarbone and suddenly his thumb grazed over her nipple.

Rachel froze and began hyperventilating, but he probably took it as encouragement, especially when her hips jerked against him involuntarily, causing Finn to buck his pelvis against hers. His hard bulge nearly pushed flush against her center and–

"NO NO NO STOP! PLEASE DON'T!" The tears poured fast and furious from nowhere all at once.

Finn was immediately on his knees on the floor, his mind reeling from shock. "Rachel? Oh god, oh shit, baby I'm so sorry... Rach, I didn't mean to, it was just–"

"Don't touch me. Just... I'm not... you can't." She was completely shifted to the farthest place away from him on the sofa now, with her arms wrapped around herself, trembling and trying to breathe normally but it wasn't working and the tears were spilling down her cheeks.

Finn's arousal was completely flatlined and his face, now drained of all color, was one of horror and confusion. "Okay, I promise I won't, I.. aw babe, I swear I didn't mean to hurt you, Rach, I wasn't even thinking. I'm so so sorry."

"No don't... Don't apologize. It's my fault."

"NO, no it's NOT... Rachel, y-you didn't... You didn't do anything wrong. It's me, my fault, I should've known better. I shouldn't have let us get too carried away like that. I mean, of course I shouldn't have... dammit, what was I thinking?!"

Rachel looked at the worry and shame on the beautiful sad-faced boy across from her as the end credits of the movie rolled and flickered on his cheeks. She swore she saw a few tears sparkle at the corners of his eyes and a powerful wave of all-consuming guilt nearly swallowed her whole. She had to fix this and in her mind there was only one way...

"Finn, this isn't working. I can't... I can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

"You need to just go home. Go and don't come back. I'm not good for you. You deserve better than this."

He crawled slowly on his knees toward her side of the long sectional sofa, getting as close to her as he could without touching her. He tilted his head to the side a little and exhaled, shaking his head in protest. "Forget it, Rach. It won't work."

She kept her eyes focused on her own knees that were drawn up to her chest, refusing to let him see into them, to know how repulsive she really was on the inside. "What won't work?"

"You're not breaking up with me, Rach. You're not making me leave you. I won't do it. I'm sorry, but I love you too damn much."

"But why, Finn? WHY? How could you possibly love me? I'm broken and used and–"

"Can I touch you yet? I won't touch anywhere, um, inappropriate. I promise. Just your face."

She looked at him with hesitation, tears still streaming uncontrollably from her eyes. "O-okay..."

He smiled a small half smile and slowly raised his thumb up, brushing it with a feather light touch against her upper lip.

"How can I love you? This is how... Because you had a little cosmo... right there... And then I learned what your lips felt like against mine, and my whole world turned Rachel Berry shaped. My eyes were already all in, lost in your gorgeous eyes and the beauty of every inch of you. My ears were already sunk on your angel's voice that made my heart swell up like the Grinch's, only TEN times bigger. But the taste of your lips? Well I can't even describe that. So now I'm kind of addicted to you, and I can't give you up."

She started shaking her head and he gently cupped her cheek in his large palm. "But more than that, Rach... I fell for the girl who believes in me, who kicks my ass when I slack off and makes me want to like, figure my shit out and BE somebody worthy of her. I fell for the girl who's so full of light and love and confidence and is gonna take the world by storm. I fell for the best person I've ever known, my best friend."

Rachel sucked in a long slow breath and exhaled.

"But what if she's not here anymore, Finn?" Rachel said in the smallest voice that came out in nearly a whisper.

He tilted her face forcing her to look at him and searched her eyes for a long beat. "She is. Maybe she's just kinda lost right now, like I was for a little while there... but that girl helped me find myself and bring me back to her, so it's only right that I return the favor."

Rachel's face crumpled against his hand and she leaned forward sliding both arms around his neck and hugging him as tight as she could, sore ribs be damned. She buried her face in the curve of his neck and inhaled deeply, taking in that musky sweet boy smell that was distinctly Finn: his aftershave, the fabric softener that perfumed his shirt collar, the hint of saltiness from his sweat and the smell of his hair from that boy shampoo he uses. "I hope you do... I hope you can help find her. I miss her," she whispered.

He balanced his weight on his haunches with his hands bracing the sofa on either side of her, fighting the urge to just scoop her in his arms and cradle her against him. She must have noticed his hesitation and the lack of contact since he heard a muffled "you can hug me back if you want to."

He wanted to. And so he did, pulling her into his lap onto the floor with him.

"You can't get rid of me Rach, so please stop trying. I don't give up that easily, remember? I learned that from you, by the way." His glorious half smile stole her heart yet again and she was helpless to do anything but let him love her.

She was once again convinced that Finn deserved so much better than her. She didn't understand why he still cared so much. She assumed it's because he didn't realize all the things she'd let Mr Ellis do to her in those weeks even after they were dating again. Well, 'let him do' might be an exaggeration. She certainly didn't WANT him to do those things but there was really no stopping him either. At least, not without ruining Jesse's future and disappointing her fathers. Was the trade off worth it in the end though? After a night like that with Finn, she decided it certainly wasn't.

Rachel made herself a promise to get through prom then she would have to tell Finn the truth about everything. At least that way they could have that one last wonderful night together before he finally realized how unworthy she was and she finally had to let him go.

. . . . .

Rachel woke in a cold sweat feeling like she wanted to vomit. There was still a sharp ache in her side from her still healing ribs and her bruises everywhere but her eye had all faded, but the outward physical injuries weren't what pulled her focus. It was the dull stabs and slight throb between her legs that held her attention. It was the ghostly sensation in her breasts from the wicked rough hands that had squeezed them and pinched at their peaks so hard that she screamed in agony. It was the phantom sickening feeling of unwanted cruel fingers pressing against her windpipe and she swears she could still smell the stench of musky tobacco-perfumed aftershave and taste the whiskey or gin on his breath each time he forced his tongue into her mouth.

She could still feel, taste, and smell that bastard after all this time no matter how hard she's tried to forget and it made her stomach roll, sick with guilt and regret and shame.

Filth. She's filthy, dirty, used... ruined. He ruined her. And she let him.

This is the way Rachel woke up most mornings (or middle of the night) now. She was sure she was having orgasms in her sleep, if the betraying pangs of pleasure and dampness in her panties was evidence. And then she would scream into her pillow. DIRTY SLUT! SICK DEPRAVED TRASH!

How could she be having 'wet dreams' (if girls could even have those) about a monster? She HATED that man and despised what he did to her, and yet, her body kept telling her otherwise. Was he right? Did she really want this after all? Did she want HIM? Her skin was traitorous and she wished she could just climb out of it.

She was either lying to herself or going totally insane. How could she have an orgasm by dreaming about the barbaric things that lecherous beast did to her? Had he been right, had she really actually LIKED what he'd done? She honestly had nothing to compare it with since even Finn hadn't done those things to her before. Her clitorus seemed to think she liked it though, no matter what her head or her heart said.

Finn. This was all so confusing for her now... Finn was the boy she loved more than anything in the world, the boy she'd once wanted nothing more than to make love to her for the first time, to give her virginity to. Of course that plan was a total wash now and spoiled beyond her worst nightmares, yet, the idea of him touching her in those secret places and bringing her pleasure in that way was sometimes getting mixed up with these heinous memories and... maybe that's what her dream was about?

Maybe it's not the monster but her wonderful boyfriend who was eliciting these sensations in her sleep? How could she ever separate them now though?

The monster didn't act out of love. The monster was selfish and cold and greedy. The monster used her for his own benefit and humiliated her.

Finn is no monster. He would never treat her that way. He would never take without permission and he would give back more than he took because he loves her...even if she doesn't deserve that love now.

That thought just made the wave of nausea stronger in the pit of her stomach. All Rachel wanted was to forget this whole nightmare. Forget Richard Ellis ever existed. Forget Jesse had ever mentioned that damn play. Forget the number of times another man – a grown man's fingers and penis and tongue invaded her body unwantedly, repeatedly. He'd given her an STD for fuck's sake! He'd torn her vaginal walls. The doctor said there was some scarring from older wounds that had begun to heal but there were new tears too when she'd been examined in the hospital. Her gynecologist told her she should be fully healed within a few weeks, but not to use tampons for a few months to be safe.

But tampons were the least of her concerns. She couldn't imagine ever letting anything penetrate her again. How was she ever meant to have a normal, healthy, LOVING relationship now? Would she EVER be able to really love Finn the way he deserved?

She'd been planning for so long to give her virginity to Finn, probably from that very first glee rehearsal. Even while they were broken up, she'd had hope that they'd work things out some day and he'd still be the one, because he's the only one she could imagine being her first. She had loved him more than anything from the very start and fell more and more for him as time passed...

And now? Well, that was all done and ruined now. She still loved him, but could she ever make love to him? Even if she thought she could someday, Finn couldn't possibly want to be with her now. If he knew how disgusting she was on the inside he would surely come to his senses and leave her faster than she could say Quinn Fabray.

"No, that's not true. Finn loves me...he loves ME." She repeated the words out loud like a mantra every time those thoughts plagued her. But he shouldn't, another voice in her head answered back – a voice which used to sound like her own but now sounded like HIS voice – the monster. You're special Rachel. My special filthy little slut. Such a dirty girl on your hands and knees sucking my dick. Sucking hard while your tight little slit is dripping wet for me. And you like it. Your soaking wet pussy says so. I can smell it. You're glad you gave it to me, that little flower of yours... that's why you came to see me, isn't it? You wanted me to have that sweet cherry surprise. You like how I make you come on my command. And it's okay to like it because sex is good. Your body tells you it's good. Your body tells me it likes when I lick your tight little snatch... that little virgin clamshell was waiting for me. You taste good too, my sweet little whore.

"STOP!" Rachel shrilled so loud she thought she tore her vocal chords. "I don't like it ! I didn't want it! I said NO! I SAID NO!"

Her papa Hiram rushed into her room at the sounds of her screaming. "Rachela, baby girl, what's happening? Talk to me honey, what's wrong?"

Rachel was a sobbing heap in the middle of her bed. "I can't make it stop, Papa! I just want it to stop! I said no but he didn't stop and now it won't go away!"

Hiram scooped his little girl into his strong embrace, cradling her against his chest and petting her hair. "Shh, I know baby, I know... you're safe with me and daddy. He can't hurt you anymore, he can't–"

Rachel shoved his chest hard and quickly removed herself from his embrace, flinching away to the other side of the bed. "Don't! Don't touch me and don't tell me that! He CAN hurt me! He hurts me still. I just... I just need to forget. I don't want to remember... I want it to stop."

"Sweetheart this–"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Tears of frustration and pain for his daughter's suffering stung the corners of his eyes. "Rachel, this is why you need to see a therapist. Dr Rubenstein can help with these thoughts and nightmares. She can help you bubeleh, please Rachel, you need to let her."

Hiram handed her a glass of water as was their customary ritual any time she was upset. Rachel didn't have the heart to tell him the water wasn't working anymore and probably never really had to begin with. After all, it wasn't the water, it was the sense of safety and security she'd once felt knowing her daddies cared enough to take care of her in that way. It was them staying with her while she sipped it, stroking her hair, cooing loving words of comfort in her ear until she fell asleep again. It used to make her feel loved and special. But now she knew she wasn't special and she never wanted TO BE special again. Being special had a whole new meaning in Rachel's view and she never wanted to be that again. And now she couldn't stand to feel her own father's hands on her.

Of course she could never tell them about these toxic, twisted thoughts that invaded her psyche like poison. Like a virus. It invaded her bloodstream and changed the fabric of who she was. The monster and his wickedness had changed Rachel Berry from the inside out.

She sat quietly, digging her fingernails into her thigh, thinking. She'd slipped up. She'd dropped her mask of concealment and now her father was in a panicked state again, pushing the therapist in her face again. She needed to get a grip. She needed to convince him she was okay. No therapist, no doctor, no other PERSON could fix what was broken in her, and talking about it meant thinking about it, and that was the LAST thing she wanted to continue doing.

Rachel practiced her calming breaths and sipped some more water until she finally felt she could pull off a convincing performance. "I'm sorry, Papa. It was just a bad dream. I wasn't quite awake yet, but I'm better now." She forced herself to hug her father, ignoring the twist in her stomach, how the bile wanted to rise at the feel of his chest against hers and the memories it evoked.

Hiram sighed, feeling so helpless yet again. "Rachel honey, this isn't what better looks like you know... better would be not having the nightmares."

She sighed and nodded, then lied some more. "I know, you're right. They've gotten better though, I swear, this was just a rough night. I think maybe it was the movie I watched last night with Finn, the killer octopus movie. Something about tentacles just... anyway. I'm perfectly okay now Papa, I promise." The falseness of her own words and saccharine sweet voice revolted her but she hoped it was convincing enough to her father.

Hiram knew his daughter couldn't possibly be okay. These nightmares weren't subsiding, in fact they were becoming more violent and more frequent – and those were just the ones they knew about. He was sure she had episodes during the night that didn't wake them. He was on the verge of involuntarily committing her so she'd finally get the care she needed.

But even Dr Rubenstein told them if she didn't come into therapy willingly then it wouldn't help. And so far, Rachel appeared to be doing her best to get back to life as usual. She was maintaining her grades (although her GPA had slipped a little, but she was still on the honor roll). She was still seeing Finn nearly every evening, and the only major change they noticed was her clothing. Nearly all her skirts and dresses were bagged up and stuffed away in the attic now, replaced with yoga pants, leggings and loose fitting jeans. She also wore her hair slicked back in a tight low bun most days. They weren't sure why that was, but unless she had a ballet recital she almost never wore it like that before. The only makeup she wore was the concealer over her bruise.

Hiram and LeRoy fought constantly about forcing help on her. So far LeRoy had talked him into letting her try to cope on her own, but if these nightmares continued, Hiram was prepared to go against his husband and take her to the psych ward himself.

Even Carole and Shelby were torn about how to best help Rachel.

Carole had talked to Finn's therapist and a few other medical professionals at the hospital where she worked. They all seemed to feel Rachel needed time to process her trauma, that she was very likely going through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance. Carole personally observed at least three of those stages at different times in the tiny girl but knew denial was the most dominant phase. She knew until Rachel accepted the fact that she'd been violated and victimized and was ready to accept help to cope with it, therapy would be of no help. The catch 22 however was, how could she ever move on to accept that she was a victim WITHOUT the benefit of professional help? Still, all the people Carole talked to said it was best to wait until Rachel would voluntarily seek help, and not to push her into it.

Shelby had also started seeing a family therapist who specializes in all kinds of trauma and abuse. The advice she was getting with respect to Rachel was similar to Dr Rubenstein's advice and what Carole had been told.

All the so-called experts seemed to be saying the same thing: as long as Rachel wasn't presenting a danger to herself or others, then it's best to let her heal in her own way. Most rape victims eventually come around to therapy but it has to be on their terms, when THEY feel in control and are ready to share their experiences. Forcing her to get help before she's ready can be a sort of emotional rape, a further victimization. It can do more harm than good and make her feel even more powerless. So the adults in Rachel's life continued to wait and hope that one day soon Rachel would get the help they knew she needed.

. . . . .

Rachel feels the eyes on her every time she walks down these halls. The judgement is passed by each new pair she connects with as she moves with trepidation through the corridors. She sees the way people look at her now, like they all know. Of course they know, the gossip in this place is notoriously fast, loud and crude and usually fed by the apex predators of the athletes and cool kids and upperclassmen.

There goes the slut who fucked some old guy for a lead role in a play – like she'd ever get anywhere in showbiz with a face like that without putting out.

I heard she was cast in a porno movie and Hudson took her back because of the all night drunken orgies and sex parties.

She probably has three-ways with Hudson and that guy from Carmel. What a whore.

She hears the gossip, sometimes sees it scratched onto the walls in the restroom. The loud mouth girl with the big nose and the personality of a chainsaw who had to fuck her way into show business. The slutty girl who couldn't hold onto Finn Hudson until she started spreading her legs. Too ugly for him to wanna keep her around before, but now that she's putting out he must be getting laid daily. Wonder if he has to put a bag over her head or a gag in her loud mouth to get off. She probably likes that kinky shit.

Sometimes the eyes that bore into her are full of pity, the way people look at an injured animal. Sometimes they're full of contempt, like they know she's compromised her morals to guard a secret and keep a role in a play. Then she sometimes thinks it's all in her head. How could they know what she did or didn't do? How could they know what happens between her and Finn? How could they know what Richard Ellis did to her?

She knows most of the whispers and what's being said is stuff she makes up in her own head since she can't hear everything they say, but she's convinced she's not wrong about what they must be thinking when they flat out stare at her.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer!" She screeched at a sophomore girl in the library yesterday when she thought she was staring at her fading bruised eye too long. The girl jumped, not expecting Rachel to speak to her at all and the librarian was quick to shush her for causing a commotion.

The boys in this godforsaken place look at her differently now too. Most of them look at her like a meal they'd gladly consume. She's willing to put out for a part in a play after all. She got 'schooled properly' by some fancy Broadway director, so surely she'd do whatever they wanted now if they had the chance with her, right?

She knew the rumors were flying in the hallways about her and Richard Ellis. Some of the rumors included a gang-bang component. Some of the worst rumors included Finn and Puck being the ringleaders of a Columbus sex cult, some creepy secret sex society that only Gleeks were allowed into and that's why Quinn got knocked up. And of course, they must be gay too since that's where Hummel went.

Rachel tried hard to ignore them all but hearing the whispers and innuendos only served to feed her own anxiety, her guilt and shame over how she'd allowed herself to compromise everything she'd ever believed in for the sake of... of what exactly? She can't even remember anymore WHY she let it happen.

She definitely regretted it though, even as Finn pinned Azimio against a locker for trying to grab her ass after asking if he could join their sex club saying she needed to diversify. He said he didn't mind affirmative action or sharing as long as he got a quality blow job and something about her being such a freak in the sheets that Finn dropped Quinn Fabray.

Finn's fist was cocked and ready to fire when Rachel stopped him. "Finn stop! It's not worth getting detention or suspended over him!" she pleaded as she tried to prevent him from rearranging Azimio's face into a Pablo Picasso painting. She touched his shoulder and he released Azimio somewhat unwillingly, turning to her with a pleading look in his eyes.

"I'm not letting them treat you like that, Rachel! And the shit he said? I can't let that garbage go, they can't talk about you like that, it's just–"

"They're not entirely wrong though, Finn. I am a sleazy tramp now with a reputation for putting out to get what I want."

"Stop it, Rach! You're not what they say, we both know you didn't want any of this and–"

"Finn just, let it go okay? Please? You can't fight the entire school."

"Babe I'd kick every ass in this place if they deserved it. They don't know the truth and they have no business talking about you that way. Or at all really."

"Okay. You're right, they don't know, and it's wrong. But you still can't make it stop anymore than I could make HIM stop. Sometimes you just have to accept things and look the other way. It sucks, but that's life."

"Rachel I wish you wouldn't–"

"We have to get to class Finn. Just, just ignore it okay? For me."

. . . . .

As Finn and Rachel entered the choir room hand in hand – the last to arrive, thanks to Rachel having a minor panic attack in the girls bathroom after overhearing two freshmen Cheerios talking in great detail about her and the events with Mr Ellis that were mentioned in the newspaper – they hear a debate already in progress.

"I just don't know how we're going to pull off a win at Nationals without Berry, Mr Schue. And I don't think your ideas for this setlist are that great," Puck complained. Mercedes and Tina seemed to be nodding along in unison agreeing with Puck.

"Well I for one am glad the little Hobbit won't be hogging all the spotlight this time."

"Hey, knock it off Santana! Stop calling my girlfriend names!" Finn spat to the Latina who sat glaring at him from the middle row risers next to Brittany.

By then Finn was perched along the back wall with Rachel to his left, essentially putting her in the corner at the farthest point away from everyone else in the room. This was the spot she'd claimed as theirs since her return to school and Finn wondered when she'd ever feel good about moving back to the front row again. Rachel was never one to hide in a corner before and the fact that she was doing so here, in their safest refuge in the school, well, it irked him. At the same time though, he didn't mind keeping her shielded like this, especially when Santana had her fangs out.

"Oh, go stuff another donut in it, Orca. I'm merely pointing out that it's a rare opportunity for the rest of us if Baby Barbra isn't gonna perform. Maybe that means I can finally get a solo!" Santana shot back. "But I do agree, this setlist is kinda crap, Mr Schue. I mean, Air Supply? SERIOUSLY?"

Finn stood up before Mr Schuester could respond. "Guys, look I know we're all disappointed that Rachel isn't ready to perform again yet. Her ribs are still healing and... and well she just isn't ready yet. Her health comes first," Finn defended, then turned to his girlfriend, "but – and I'm sorry Mr Schue – but I kinda agree, the setlist needs some work. Rach, we could sure use your polish to help us shine. Didn't you say you had some ideas about that?" He took her hand in his as he sat next to her in the choir room, encouraging her participation.

Rachel looked at the entwined hands resting in her lap then once around the room and finally she found Mr Schue. "Mr Schuester, I've given this some consideration and I think we should continue with our newfound niche for songwriting. Original songs are what won us regionals, and I think the same could be done at Nationals."

"Wait a minute, you think since we got lucky with some podunk Ohio judges that fell for your wishy-washy 'I suck so I'll never get it right' song that we can somehow impress New York judges with more of the same lame drivel?" Santana snarked.

"No, wait a minute, Santana. I agree with Rachel. Those original songs we did were sensational – and Rachel didn't write all of them. You know our group song at regionals was just as impressive as Rachel's solo," Quinn said with conviction.

Finn nodded in appreciation to his ex-girlfriend, somewhat surprised she was so easily willing to go along with Rachel's suggestion. He guessed whatever Mr Schue had talked to her about privately must have helped her demeanor where Rachel was concerned. He just wished the same were true for Santana.

Rachel smiled appreciatively at the blonde. "I - I just think we have a really creative team of talented people in this room. We have plenty of time to prepare and I'm sure if we put our heads together we can create something really amazing that would surely be a standout at Nationals."

"Oh so YOU don't already have a song prepared that you want to take all the credit for?" Santana tossed out dryly. "Wow. You must've really suffered some sort of major head injury in Columbus to back down from the limelight so easily."

"I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP, SANTANA!" Finn stood up and roared, but before he could say anything more Mr Schue was already taking the reins.

Rachel reached for Finn's forearm as Mr Schue stepped in to quash the storm that was brewing before things got out of control. "Finn, calm down, have a seat. Santana, I want to see you in my office, NOW... Guys, the rest of you start thinking about a topic for a new song or two that fits the theme for Nationals. I think Rachel's right, but if we're going to write our own songs again they need to be real showstoppers. You did great for regionals, and I think you can do it again for Nationals." He then waited for Santana to reluctantly slink into his office and closed the door behind them.

Rachel felt detached from the group. She looked around the room briefly as it began to buzz with ideas for songs, but she didn't really want to contribute anything further. Kurt, who'd just transferred from Dalton back to McKinley full time as of last week, had tried to strike up a brainstorming session with her and Mercedes but it wasn't working and Rachel remained silent.

Finn could see her retracting and looking uncomfortable as he squeezed her hand, leaning into her side to whisper "You okay, Rach?" She nodded curtly and tried to smile, but she knew it wasn't convincing him. "C'mon babe, step outside with me for a minute. Let's go for a little walk, get some fresh air."

Once outside the building they headed toward the football field. He held her hand as they walked in comfortable silence and once at the bleachers, she sat next to him, leaning her head against his shoulder as his arm draped loosely around her shoulders. "You wanna talk about anything, babe? You seem... I dunno... Kinda sad today."

"I just... I wish I was able to perform. I wish I even wanted to help with the songs but I just can't do it right now. But, I'm sure the team will do great things. You'll help them, too. You're an amazing leader, Finn. You'll be wonderful."

He shook his head in dissent. "I won't be as great without my leading lady and co-captain at my side though. It's gonna suck without you in this competition. I mean, this is EVERYTHING we've been working toward for almost two years; it's New York, babe. It's your dream."

"It was my dream, Finn... but things change. I'm not so sure that's the case anymore."

"What do you mean, WAS? Rach, you're still bound for Broadway."

Rachel bit her tongue. She hadn't really told Finn she didn't want it anymore. The idea of running into another Richard Ellis made her skin crawl, but moreover, she'd learned her lesson. She got too big for her britches and ended up compromising everything about herself once. Although part of her could rationalize that the seal was broken on her unimpeachable morals so why not just continue sleeping her way to the top, the rest of her decided the shame and humiliation wasn't worth it. She no longer needed the spotlight thrust upon her. She already felt the burn from it and decided she didn't like it, not one little bit. She'd always dreamt of fame but ended up with infamy and it left a sour taste in her mouth. People would always look at her differently now and all she wanted was to be invisible again.

"Anyway, I don't think I'm New York good like you are. Not even like Jesse is... I'm just not cut out for the big leagues like you two."

His sombre voice caught her off guard and she honestly had to fight the urge to slap him. "You're so wrong, Finn. You're an incredible performer. You have more heart in your little finger than Jesse has in his whole body. Your voice has come a long way and you're just as talented as anyone else in that room – me included. And okay, Jesse may be a better dancer, I think we can both agree on that, but show choir isn't all about dancing. It's about heart. And yours is HUGE and undeniable. I believe in you, Finn. With or without me, you can do this. You can lead them to another win."

It felt so good to hear his talented powerhouse songbird of a girlfriend stroke his ego like she always does, but it also pained Finn to hear her talk like this, like she wasn't even a part of the club anymore. Like her dreams were dead and her career aspirations were a forgotten memory.

He wanted to shake some sense into her, remind her she was a bright shining star without equal, but he knew better. He knew all things related to Broadway and performing were off limits for now. The trauma was still too present, and probably would continue to be until she was finally ever to accept professional help. She still occasionally hummed along to a classic rock song on the radio in the car, but she never actually sang anymore, not even at home – especially not show tunes.

Finn was stunned the first time he walked into her bedroom and found her walls barren, absent their previous display of every musical poster known to man that had once hung there. Even all her Barbra memorabilia was packed away in the attic along with her dresses and skirts now. But he figured if this was what she needed to be able to cope, to survive each day, he'd let it go without comment. Maybe she'd be a lot worse off by now if she wasn't building these walls.

"You at least have to come with us for the trip though, Rach. You're still IN the club and they can't make you stay home. And hey, who knows, maybe you'll be ready by then. It's still more than a month away."

"No Finn, I won't be. If I can't rehearse I won't be prepared. Even if I could, I... I still can't be in the theater. Besides, you heard Santana. Others will get their chance to shine. Maybe that's a good thing."

"Yeah well, Santana's just a bitch, babe. Don't listen to her... I'm glad Quinn backed your idea, though. That was cool of her."

"It was surely surprising... although, I wonder what her ulterior motives are."

"I'm not sure she has any. I think she just agrees with you. Because it IS a great idea, Rachel. Your awesome song won us regionals, I'm sure your big beautiful brain can help us win Nationals too, whether you perform or not."

Rachel sighed, knowing it meant a lot to him for her to participate in some way. "I... well, I have written down a few lines here and there since regionals. It's nothing organized, though. And I didn't come up with any music. But if you want to have a look and share it with them, that's fine."

"Wait... You don't wanna help us write the songs at all?"

"Maybe I can help Brad and Mr Schuester with some of the music for whatever you come up with, but I'm just not up for the task of putting lyrics together right now. But you, you have an incredible ear for song lyrics, Finn. I trust you'll be the captain they need, and you can help guide them. You're a brilliant leader and I have faith in you."

"Rach I'm better with you at my side. It feels wrong, you not wanting to take charge of this thing. Glee club, it's more yours than mine. You're the reason I stayed in it. Sure I like music, but I wanted to stick around to be close to the magic that is Rachel Berry. And baby, I'm really worried about you."

"Well you shouldn't be. I'm fine."

He knew she wasn't really, but he didn't want to rile her up and start a big fight about this right now, especially not while they were still at school. Instead he tucked a few loose strands of hair that fell from the tight bun she wore behind her ear and smiled warmly at her. "I just miss performing with you."

"Yeah. I kinda miss performing with you too... but I'm not ready to go back to it, Finn. I might never be."

"Do you think maybe you could at least try going back into the auditorium one day soon? I mean, just you and me, not with the club or anything, and not to perform or whatever. Y'know, you and me, we have some pretty awesome memories from in there. Just the two of us. Maybe... maybe you could think about those memories instead? Or um... I dunno, we could make some new happy memories too, if you want." He smiled his crooked grin that never fails to send the butterflies into a frenzy inside her.

She smiled up at her sweet boyfriend, who was looking down at her with so much love and concern. "Maybe one day. But not yet. You're right though, that always was our magical place. I'll let you know when I'm ready to try."

Finn simply nodded and kissed the top of her head, leaning his chin against it. She appreciated that Finn seemed to just understand without her explaining WHY she was so reluctant to enter the auditorium space. It was too similar to that stage in Columbus, too familiar to the place that was now a reminder of the monster and her nightmares. Finn seemed to just get it without even a second glance at her the first time she said she couldn't go back in there. She wished he could make all the bad memories go away, but somehow she knew that was an impossible ask of anyone.

. . . . .

Finn and most of the glee club had booty camp and extended Saturday rehearsals in the auditorium all day. Rachel's dads were away on a weekend business trip. As much as they hated leaving her home alone, they knew she wouldn't really be by herself. Carole and Shelby were constantly keeping tabs, plus Finn was always there as her ever present watchdog.

Rachel and Carole were planning a light lunch and an afternoon of baking at the Hudmel house while Finn was at rehearsal when Shelby called Rachel just to check in. Carole insisted that Rachel invite her over as well, but only if Rachel was comfortable with the idea. Rachel agreed and that's how the three women found themselves in Carole Hummel's kitchen together.

"So Shelby, I understand you were the Mr Schuester for Carmel for a long time," Carole asked, trying to make conversation. The two women had only shared a few brief text updates regarding Rachel's recovery but hadn't spent any real time getting to know each other up until this point. "I hear your team was pretty fantastic too. You must miss it, being their director."

Shelby smiled awkwardly, glancing at Rachel. "It was thrilling for a while, yes. I was lucky and had some very talented kids to work with, Jesse St James being a standout among them." Rachel cleared her throat and coughed a little, not wanting to venture into too much conversation about her ex-boyfriend with her current boyfriend's mother in the room. She hoped Shelby would pick up that cue and it seemed she did. "But I don't really miss it to be honest. The hours were long and demanding. And now with Beth, I don't find enough spare hours in a day to miss it anyway."

"Oh that's right, you adopted Quinn's baby...I'm sorry, I should have remembered," Carole said apologetically. "Where is she right now?"

"My younger sister is in town for the next few weeks visiting from California and she has her for the day. She doesn't come back here very often. She and her husband are trying to start a family of their own and wanted the practice, so I don't mind the little break for a few hours today."

"I wasn't aware you had a sister. How lovely," Carole smiled, not missing the uncomfortable disposition of the small brunette at the table.

It seemed Shelby noticed too. "Rachel, you know, I was thinking maybe we could all have a girls day out together. You've never met your Aunt Sandra and I know she'd love to meet you. Maybe we could do lunch and shopping this Friday. Your dads told me there's an in-service day so you don't have school. I'd love to bring Beth along too for you to get to know each other a little. And Carole, you're welcome to join us, if you're free and you'd both like?" Shelby offered nervously.

"Well that sounds really wonderful, Shelby. I'd be game if Rachel is?" Carole said encouragingly, looking at the younger girl hoping for her approval.

"Um... I don't know. My ribs are still really sore sometimes and it could be difficult going out and walking too much. But I guess if I'm feeling up to it and if Carole doesn't mind joining us, it could be nice."

Shelby read the unease in the younger girl at the prospect of meeting her extended family and felt like she may have pushed the envelope too far too soon. "Rachel sweetie, if you're not ready to meet Sandra that's fine. And I'm sorry if the subject of Beth is upsetting to you. You know, she's not your replacement. I never think of her like that and I hope–"

"It's fine, Shelby. You have a sister and you have Beth. She's your daughter now, and well, I suppose technically she's my step sister now, isn't she? Of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend... which is extremely weird to think about... but whatever. She's your daughter and part of your life and of course I wouldn't mind getting to know her at some point. It's not her fault she was born into this complicated world."

Shelby flashed a tight smile to Rachel and looked to Carole for some help in redirecting the conversation. Just then Rachel's phone rang. "OH! It's Finn, probably checking in to tell me how much he hates booty camp. Excuse me while I take this," Rachel said as she hurriedly made her way out of the kitchen.

"How are you doing Shelby?" Carole asked quietly. "Things seem to be improving with you and Rachel?"

Shelby exhaled, nodding, "It's slow and sometimes painful baby steps, but I feel like it's getting better. She's trying I think, as best she can for now. I've been cautious about bringing up too much about my family. It was a bit of a leap for me to mention Beth just now. I usually shy away from that topic around her; it feels like a taboo subject."

"I think you're doing fine. And what Rachel said is true – she's your family, your daughter, and Rachel's sister. They should get to know one another, even though Beth is still so young. I think it would be good for Rachel to have the chance to meet her and maybe be a part of her life though. I think she could use a positive distraction like that... she seems to be very guarded and walling off her emotions more and more. Maybe a toddler could help break her out of that shell a little bit."

"She's definitely struggling. I don't see it much myself firsthand, of course, but Hiram and LeRoy keep me informed of things they notice, changes in her mood, behavior, appetite... have you noticed much yourself? Or has Finn mentioned any concerns?"

"Well yes... I've seen her a little when they're here – which isn't that often. Mostly Finn spends time at her house. But I've noticed she tries her best to act normal around me. but I can tell it's forced. Finn, he constantly worries for her. He says she's afraid of the theater now. She won't enter the auditorium at school and he says he doesn't blame her, but he's afraid she's giving up on her dreams, which – if you know my son at all, you know Rachel's future career is as important to him as it always has been to her – so it's bringing him a lot of distress. He wants to help her but he doesn't know how."

Shelby smiled sympathetically. "I think we all feel that way don't we? That helpless feeling and not knowing what to do..." Carole nodded in agreement. "How is Finn? I know he started seeing a therapist, is that working well for him?"

"I think so. He only goes once a week right now, and maybe that's enough. He's still having bad dreams though, but he won't tell me what they are exactly. Mostly I know he worries about Rachel and how to be a good partner to her while she recovers...but I"m not sure she CAN recover without professional support."

"I don't think so either. And so far, she isn't budging on that topic. Maybe she'll change her–"

"Well, Finn hates booty camp, but that's no great surprise," Rachel announced giggling as she returned to the kitchen interrupting the two older women. "I guess Mike Chang is working him so hard that he nearly broke Tina's nose by accident during a new piece of choreography."

"Oh my goodness! What happened? Is Tina okay?"

"Yes, she's fine. Apparently there's some new steps that required a semi-spin and he flailed his arms too far out and smacked her in the face by accident. Tina is fine, it didn't even leave a bruise, but he feels terrible and said he wants to just come home. I told him it's his obligation as the team captain to set a good example and tough it out. Not to mention, he really does need the practice," she giggled.

Carole laughed, nodding her head while imagining her son and his two giant left feet tripping around at booty camp. "You know, I still can't get over MY SON singing and dancing on stage the way he does. I mean I've seen it myself enough times to know how good he is – well, at the singing at least – but it still amazes me. Rachel dear, I hope you know what a wonderful influence I think you've been on him. He probably would have never joined a glee club in a million years without your encouragement."

"I don't know how much of that was truly my influence, Carole. I mean, Finn is very talented in his own right and he clearly enjoys it. I'm so glad he's stuck with the club, I just wish he had as much confidence in his dancing abilities as he does in singing and drumming."

"You've taught him well, dear. He wouldn't even be trying this hard if it weren't for you. He's told me as much before... So, I know you've still been healing and haven't been able to participate, but do you miss it?"

Rachel pursed her lips and stood to clear her dirty dishes from the table. "Sometimes, but not enough to push myself. I don't need the spotlight anyway. We have a number of very talented performers in glee and they all deserve a chance to shine. They'll do an amazing job in New York without me."

Carole and Shelby shared a look of concern, but before either of them could ask anything more Rachel said "I'm actually feeling a little tired and my ribs are aching again. If you don't mind I'm just going to go lay down in Finn's room for a bit. Maybe we can start on the cookies in a little while?"

"Sure honey go ahead," Carole smiled at her.

Once Rachel was gone again, Shelby looked at Carole with an alarmed look about her. "She's not planning to go to New York AT ALL?"

"It seems that way. Finn just said something about it for the first time the other day. I haven't talked to her about any of this yet, and her fathers haven't mentioned it either so I'm not sure if they even know yet. This might be the final straw for Hiram though; he may just drag her kicking and screaming to Dr Rubenstein when he finds this out."

"Yeah, I could see that being a hard pill for him to swallow. We all know she's taking a back seat in Glee right now but I don't think they expected her to pass on the trip altogether. Maybe I'll mention it when I speak to him tomorrow. Someone needs to remind him to just give her the space to make her own decisions, too. Maybe New York ISN'T the best place for her right now."

Carole quickly nodded. "I hate to admit it because I know how worried my son is, but I think you might be right. Such a big city full of theaters and Broadway and... reminders... yeah. Maybe it's best if she passed on that trip."

. . . . .

It was a Thursday evening when Finn and Rachel were alone in her room. They had the house to themselves since her dads were out at a work colleague's dinner party and not expected home until very late.

As had become their ritual after homework, they curled together on her bed watching yet another Bruce Willis action movie when something changed.

Since everything that had happened, Finn spent nearly all his free time with Rachel. For all the alone time they had since the Columbus incident, almost none of it was spent doing anything more than holding hands or maybe a couple small kisses, usually goodnight kisses when he left. The only one time they'd let things heat up had ended so disastrously that Finn refused to let things spiral out of control like that again. He'd had a long talk with his therapist on the subject and felt better about how to conduct himself going forward.

Although they'd never had much alone time together in the past before Richard Ellis happened – even back to when they dated last time, the time they did spend then was usually put to good use for hot steamy makeout sessions that were gradually progressing. Finn still hadn't gotten past second base before the day of Rachel's surprise blow job that day, but their make out sessions had always been completely satisfying to him. Any time alone with Rachel was time well spent in his opinion. Well, except for that LAST time when she freaked out...

And now it was like they were back to day one. Finn was afraid to put any moves on her, and Rachel? Well, she was sort of a mixed bag of mood swings and strange, unpredictable behavior. Some nights she would pile pillows or stuffed animals between them, but hold his hand over the pillow wall. Some nights she wanted to wrap her arms around Finn but asked him not to touch her. Other nights they'd play footsie under the covers and still others she would make him sit on the floor where he couldn't even see her.

Then there were nights like this one. Something new was happening. It was already different because she wanted Finn to hold her. His arm was loosely wrapped around her shoulders while her head rested on his chest, and it felt nice to be close to her like this again. He hadn't felt her laying on his chest like this since that night she went to the hospital.

But something else new was happening that he wasn't sure how to react to. Finn noticed Rachel's hand stroking his thigh to a distractingly arousing level as her strokes moved closer and closer to his groin. He felt the familiar twitching and tightness in his pants and thought he needed to say something before he ended up on the floor with her in tears again.

He lightly kissed the top of her head and in a raspy quiet voice asked, "Um babe, you watching the movie? It's uh, it's just getting to the good part, y'know the yippee ki-yay motherfucker part you like. Do you–"

He was cut off by her sudden shift in position and her lips on his. Her tongue dipped into his mouth forcefully. It was a rough kiss, aggressive and nothing like the Rachel Berry kisses he loved so much that were usually soft and sweet, sometimes long and lazy. Rachel usually gradually worked her way into deeper, heated kisses slowly after at least fifteen minutes of making out. For her to just pounce on him like this was, well, a little hot and exciting yes, but also kinda scaring him half to death.

It had been almost two weeks since that last hot and heavy makeout session and Finn kinda lost himself for a minute to the shock of it all. His hands were at a loss for where to be. He fought the urge to touch her at all, given what happened last time. It took every fiber of his hormonally super-charged teenage body to resist reacting any further than kissing her back (of course, he had no control over the growing chubby in his shorts).

Rachel noticed his lack of reciprocation and stopped. She pulled back, staring into his eyes. "What's wrong Finn?"

"Wrong? N-nothing's wrong babe, I just, uh, y'know, John McClane's about to blow up that one bad guy and–"

"You don't want me, do you. It's okay, I understand."

He couldn't believe his ears. "WHAT? Are you ser– Rach, believe me, I WANT you. Are you kidding?"

She stared at him blankly, an indifferent look upon her face he didn't like at all. "Then what's the problem?"

"Rachel, I-I just thought we were watching a movie, so, y'know. Maybe we should see that guy get thrown out a window and like, we can cuddle some more." Dear God, if Puck could hear him now. That had to be the LEAST studly sentence to ever come from his mouth.

Rachel sat up grabbing the remote and turned off the TV. "I'm ugly now. It's okay Finn, you can just admit that you don't want me anymore. I don't blame you."

Finn's eyes went wide and he nearly screamed in protest. "Are you joking? Rachel you are the furthest thing from ugly! You're my beautiful, sexy, gorgeous girl. I LOVE you, Rach, please don't say those things. Of course I still want you."

Her cold narrow eyes confused him further. "You don't touch me anymore. I know sometimes I ask you not to and last time I sort of freaked out on you, but you don't even try now."

"Rachel... w-we kiss all the time. We hug and hold hands all the time. Of course I touch you."

"No, I don't mean a goodnight peck on the cheek. It's different now, Finn. Things are different. You don't ever even try to touch me anymore, not like you did last time, or like that time, you know, that day in your bedroom... the day I went down on you. You put your hand under my skirt and brushed it against my panties. You WANTED to touch my vagina back then. But you don't now."

Finn swallowed hard. Hearing her talking like this, so calm and GRAPHIC and matter of factly, saying words and phrases like this was still a shock to his ears. He still had such mixed emotions about that day in his room. On one hand it was the single greatest most pleasurable experience of his entire life so far, and she did that for him. And she was SO GOOD at it. But on the other hand, he was still awash in guilt and regret not realizing the trauma and torture she'd been suffering and what that act had really meant until it was over. It was still a reminder of how he'd failed her.

Exhaling loudly, Finn ran both his hands through his hair and sat up straighter against the headboard of her bed. deciding they needed to talk about this now. He'd avoided the topic long enough and well, she sort of opened the door to the conversation. He reached over and gently took her hands, playing with her fingers as he spoke, needing to make some kind of physical connection with her.

"Rachel...How do I... okay. I'm not good with words like this and I don't know how to explain this, so bear with me please?" She nodded and he paused to collect his thoughts, searching for the words. "You don't know how much energy it takes for me to hold back from like, mauling you. I want you so bad it's like, insane. I don't mean just sometimes either, I mean ALL the time. Even when you're here and I'm home, you're all I think about most of the time. That was true before whether we were a couple or not, and it's still true now. But..." he sucked in a huge breath and signed, hoping she would not be upset as he explained the rest. "M-my therapist said that I should, um... that maybe we shouldn't be so... intimate yet. He said I should like, not get too physical with you, y'know, like, not try to do stuff or to touch you in those places. He said I should give you time to heal. So, baby please believe me, it's not that I don't want you... I want you. God, do I want you. I just wanted to help you get better and this is what Dr Bob said I should do."

Rachel stared at him for a long beat before responding. "Well Dr Bob is wrong. Doctors, they don't know everything. They make mistakes too, Finn, or they just plain don't know what they're talking about. And shrinks? They're mostly GUESSING at everything. They don't know all the answers. He's just giving you advice, based on HIS opinion. Sex is GOOD, Finn. It feels good. Your body tells you it feels good for a reason. Because it IS."

Rachel flinched internally at hearing the words coming from her mouth. Were those her words or the monster's? Maybe SHE was the monster now, so did it make a difference? She chose not to think about it.

And whoa. Finn was NOT expecting her to talk like this to him. In truth, he used to fantasize about her saying these things, even probably had numerous wet dreams that sounded a lot like that. But there was a knot of doubt and uncertainty curling and twisting within him and he wasn't sure how to receive what she was saying. This girl sitting next to him looks like his Rachel, smells like his Rachel, feels like his Rachel, but does NOT sound like his Rachel – not at all.

"Finn, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've been researching too. I know things have been difficult for us, weird even... But I think I can make it better. I need you to help me though. I need to try something, okay, will you let me? Will you help me?"

By now the semi-erection in his boxers was doing a lot of the thinking for him. Part of him wanted to tell her to turn the TV back on and watch Bruce finish kicking Hans Gruber's ass, but the rest of him wanted to go along with whatever she was saying. And no matter what, he wanted to help her. He wanted to do whatever she needed to help her feel better. Looking into her big brown eyes, he knew there was only one thing to do.

"Of course I'll help you. I trust you, Rach. Whatever you need, anything... I'll do anything for you."

She forced a small smile and scooted over on her knees next to him, reaching for the fly of his jeans. "Rach? What are you–"

"I need to see how much you want me, Finn. I need to know you mean what you say."

Their eyes never left one another. Finn didn't know if this was the smartest thing, but she said it would help her and he wanted to help. It didn't take very long until he simply nodded and allowed her to pull down his zipper. She wrapped her fingers into the elastic of his boxers and jeans waistband. He could tell she was trying to tug them off and reluctantly lifted his hips just enough so she could. When his semi erect penis sprang free, she just kneeled next to him, silently looking at it. It made him sort of uncomfortable and self-conscious, since she wasn't saying or doing anything else, just sitting there staring at his junk.

"Uh, Rach? Should I... do you.. want me to do anything or..."

"Just be still for me, okay? I need to do this, Finn. I need... something." Her words hung in the air between for a minute and he felt a chill go through him when she looked back into his eyes. "You're not all the way hard yet. Are you sure you want me? Don't just say things you think I want to hear. I know I'm damaged goods and all used and–"

"Stop it, Rach. I swear to god I really do... but y'know, you're just like, looking at it, and it's... y'know... kinda weird and sorta freaking me out a little...I'm not used to... uh, what I mean is, um... you're the first girl to even see it, y'know? So it's just..." Finn felt like he might spontaneously combust, between the lust in his mind and the embarrassment of the situation. They'd never spoken so openly to each other about sexual matters, especially not in the thick of things, and this was all new for him.

"So... Santana didn't get to see your penis? When you fucked her, you just what, stuck it in when she wasn't looking?"

Oh shit. Why didn't it occur to him there would be a day when this subject came up again? It was, after all, a big part of why they broke up the last time. And then PUCK happened, and then Quinn happened, and then Quinn UN-happened. And then he and Rachel hurried up and got back together, but by then she was already in the play and very busy, and they barely had time to even see each other let alone to discuss ANYTHING that caused their breakup.

And then Richard Ellis happened and their whole world spun off its axis.

Finn knows they DO need to have this long overdue talk. He grabbed at the throw blanket that had previously been draped over them and pulled it up to cover his lap. If he was going to venture down this line of discussion he couldn't do it with his business hanging out like that.

"Okay, we should probably talk about all that stuff, Rach. You and me got back together so fast and we never stopped to like, really work things out from before."

"If you don't want to talk about it, Finn, we don't have to."

"No, I DO want to. I've thought about it a long time after we broke up. Maybe if we talked about all of this before, you would've never run to Puck and the rest wouldn't have happened. So I want you to ask me anything and I'll do my best to answer you. But before you do, I want you to know a couple things...

"One, I am so SO hugely sorry, Rachel. I'm sorry that I slept with her. I'm sorry I didn't wait for it to be with you. I'm sorry I screwed up last year and sorry that you ended up dating Jesse at all. I'm sorry I lied to you about Santana. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy or a better boyfriend, because if I had been, I would've handled so many things better and you would have never run off and kissed Puck. That was all on me."

"No Finn, kissing Noah was MY fault. Dating Jesse was MY choice. Pretending I didn't still love you when I knew I did and pushing you away was also on me. You can't take away the things I'm responsible for."

"Okay. Well then I'm sorry for doing that, too," he quirked a small grin, hoping to lighten the mood just a bit. She returned a small smile of her own and nodded. "Okay so... now that you know how much of a jerk I felt like for all the stuff I screwed up, any questions you wanna ask, I'm willing to answer them. If I can anyway. But to answer the one you already asked, NO, she didn't see me like that. The room was dark and we were already under the blankets. I didn't see her and she didn't see me."

"Oh. Okay. Was she completely naked? Were you?"

Finn took a deep breath and held her hand tighter. He kind of wished he didn't have to remember the details of that night, but this was important to her and to the betterment of their relationship, so he would push through. "No. She had on some nightgown thingy and I left my t-shirt on."

"Did you kiss her?"

"Not on the mouth, no."

"Then where?"

"Rachel, it doesn't even matter, does it? I don't love her. I didn't then and I never will. I don't really even LIKE her. It was all just a big mistake and I wish I could take it all back." She continued to stare at him, head tilted slightly, expectantly and he knew she was waiting for an answer. "Her neck. I kissed her neck. And she let me kiss her boobs too. She actually really wanted me to do that part, I think. She didn't take off the nightgown thing, but like, she pulled the straps down so her boobs were, y'know, out. But the room was so dark I couldn't see anything anyway."

"So you touched them, and kissed them. And she liked it, right?"

He twisted his face thinking about it for a minute. "Um.. I think so? I'm not sure. She was talking in Spanish a lot. Mr Schue would be pretty disappointed after all this time I still can't understand like ANYTHING Santana says, and I didn't ask her to translate so..."

"Did she orgasm for you? Did you make her climax?"

He felt his cheeks turn scarlet and wanted to crawl under the bed. The one back in his own room. "No. She sorta, um, took care of herself, after. Because I didn't last long and it pissed her off. She called me a waste of perfectly good man parts and said she wasn't planning to teach me what to do with them. Then she insisted I feed her. So I got dressed and we hit the Mickey D's drive thru, which we ate while I drove her home. That was like the extent of it all."

"You shouldn't eat and drive Finn, that's dangerous."

"So is a pissed off hangry Santana Lopez."

Rachel was quiet for a minute, tracing the freckles on the back of Finn's hand deep in thought. "I love your hands, you know. I don't know if I ever told you that before. I love how they feel in my palm, or when they touch my face and my neck. I love how big they are and how they're not very smooth. And even when you think you don't know what you're doing or you think you're being too clumsy, your hands are always strong but gentle with me."

Finn just listened as she went on and on praising his assets and enjoying the feel of her touch as emotions swirled in his chest. He loved her so damn much and wished she was never so insecure to begin with – she never had a reason to be, as far as he was concerned.

And then, as she traced her index finger over the length of his, she asked quietly, "Did you touch her? Between her legs? Did you put your fingers inside her?"

He knew this was gonna suck. Why did he agree to this conversation? Oh yeah, to help her heal and hopefully to make things better between them. Right. "Yeah... well, kinda. I mean, I tried to, but she got pissy and moved my hand away. I think I was doing it wrong or something."

"Did she touch you? Did she kiss your chest or give you a blow job or a hand job?"

Holy shit. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to her talking like this. How the hell was he gonna get through this conversation without blowing his load under that throw blanket? He felt the red burning of his cheeks and quietly asked, "Do you really wanna hear this stuff, Rach?"

"Yes. Please? I need to know, Finn. I... I think it helps me understand. It helps me know why you chose her."

He tilted her chin up to look him in the eye. "Wait a sec, babe, I didn't choose her; she offered to let me lose my virginity with her at a time when I was fucking sick over watching you and St Jackass parade around my school and choir room holding hands and kissing and... I was jealous out of my mind, feeling rejected and lonely and... she offered something to take my mind off of it. Which didn't even work, and I felt like even bigger crap afterward because it just didn't mean anything to me, being with her. But if you really need to know, no, she didn't give me head and I didn't do that for her either. It was really like a whole, maybe five minutes and it was over. Maybe not even that long..."

"Oh...Only five minutes?"

"Well, counting her slapping my hands off her and shoving her boobs in my face, yeah."

"Her breasts are bigger than mine. They're even bigger than Quinn's. Did you like them more, being that size?"

He rubbed a hand nervously over the back of his neck. He can't lie, because well, boobs are boobs, and while Rachel had let him feel hers under the bra before, that was the first time he got to actually put his mouth over a girl's bare chest (and it was AWESOME)... but he could be honest about this: "Her boobs are fake, Rach. I could totally tell the difference right away. They don't feel nearly as good as yours do. Quinn's didn't either for that matter. Size isn't a consideration to me, so I wish you'd quit thinking about it that way – and to be honest, I kinda think hers are almost too big. But yours are perfect for your petite sexy little body and they fit exactly perfectly in my hand. It's like you were specially made for me – but maybe you were, since I think you're my soulmate," he added with a sly grin.

She blushed and her stomach twittered with butterflies again at his earnestness. "Really?"

"Really."

Rachel wasn't letting go of the subject yet though. "What do they feel like?"

His smile fell and he panicked a little. "You mean boobs?"

She nodded simply and added "Yes well, you say they all felt different to you. So how were they different? What do they feel like to you?"

He tried hard not to swallow his dry tongue in his very dry mouth. "Baby, I don't think I can put that into words. I mean, hers were like, too... firm? Kinda like a football that's only partly inflated. But yours... unggg I'm gonna get worked up if I have to try to explain it to you, babe. Yours just feel incredible and do things to me that hers don't. But I think that's partly because they're YOURS and because how I feel about you is so much stronger than how I feel about anyone else. I... I shouldn't have gone through with it, Rach. Maybe it's not a cool thing for a guy to say, but, it didn't feel like I thought it would. I could've stopped. I SHOULD have stopped, but then, I had this moment where I thought of Jesse being in your room alone with you and what you two might be doing and I got kinda super pissed. I'm not sure I could say it was angry sex – it barely qualified as sex at all, really – but I just kept going. I just wanted to get it over with. I think I even said your name out loud, more than once."

Rachel stifled a giggle. "You said MY name while fucking Santana Lopez? And you lived to tell the tale?"

"Yeah... barely. She wasn't real happy about it either. I think I still have a scar on my shoulder from where she scratched me with her claws. That shit hurt, I mean she drew blood and everything."

Rachel took some pride in knowing Finn wasn't focused on the girl he was with even in that circumstance, but rather was thinking of her instead. She was quiet for a long time. All this time she'd thought maybe there was something Santana Lopez had that she didn't. She thought maybe the fact that Santana was prettier and more sexual was the reason, considering Rachel hadn't been that adventurous yet. After all, didn't boys just want sex all the time? And if they can't get it from one girl wouldn't it just make sense they'd move on to another who WOULD give it up to them?

But Finn was never like that, at least she didn't think he was. Then she thought maybe Finn was more attracted to Santana's bigger boobs or her depth of experience. But maybe what he said was enough to finally convince her that Santana was just a means to an end, a distraction as he basically called it. One that apparently didn't even work.

Still, it bothered her. Santana was a slutty girl. She'd slept with half the football team. Maybe even all of them by now... so was Finn attracted to slutty girls? Quinn wasn't really a slutty girl, but she did cheat on him. That makes her more of a whore though, doesn't it? And he went back to Quinn after they broke up. So Finn likes pretty, slutty girls, right?

Rachel couldn't trust her reasoning or her own logic on this. Quinn was BEAUTIFUL. The prettiest girl in the school. And Santana was also gorgeous and curvy and oozed sex appeal. She flaunted her assets. These were the girls Rachel always felt were her competition, girls she'd never stack up against. She'd always felt inferior to them. That time she talked to the glee girls when she thought she might have sex with Jesse, most of them told her to just go for it. Sex was good and she was making a big deal over nothing. (Well, everyone except Mercedes, who'd never had any prospects yet and Quinn, who told her it wasn't worth the risk of getting knocked up.)

Finn's voice snapped her out of her musings. "Rach, are you okay? You've been quiet for a really long time now."

"I'm just thinking, Finn. Quinn cheated on you but you forgave her and took her back, even though you wouldn't forgive me. She fucked your best friend and lied about you impregnating her. All I did was kiss Noah though, and you refused to forgive me for months. So... if I had fucked Noah, would you have forgiven me sooner?"

"Rachel...I-I" he was so flummoxed by the question all he could do was sit there with his mouth opening and closing. He didn't know how to begin to respond to that – or how the topic shifted so quickly from Santana to Quinn.

"NO." That's the only word that made it to his lips before his brain recalibrated from the shock. "No, Rach, where did that idea even... I'm GLAD you only kissed him. Of course, I wish you hadn't kissed him at all, but... but, me and Quinn, that's another mistake I made. Probably a bigger one than sleeping with Satan. But I told you that already. Are you... are you doubting me now, or–"

Rachel sighed. "No, I'm sorry, Finn. I guess I just don't know why you would want me. I'm not dripping in sex appeal like Santana. I'm not an All-American blonde beauty queen like Quinn. But they both are kind of sluts, and now I am too. So... maybe you prefer sluts and you just don't know it? I'm just making an observation."

"Rachel, I'm gonna grab your shoulders and hug you close right now, is that okay?" She nodded and he scooped her up in a tight embrace. "Baby... Please stop saying these crazy things. It's killing me... you are so NOT a slut." His hands slid up over her shoulders to the sides of her neck and held her face in his palms as he ducked his head down close to her at eye level. "You're everything to me, Rach. You're the only girl I've ever truly been in love with, like all the way. You have my heart, Rachel. Just you, not them, not anyone else. YOU are the love of my life. And I wanna kiss you so bad it hurts right now."

Her heart swelled so much at his sweet words. She never could have expected him to say those things to her, especially not now. But here he was, this tall, beautiful boy whom she still loved, laying in her bed half naked telling her she was his everything. How could she not love him back just as much?

"You can kiss me if you want to," she smiled playfully, a sheen of tears in her eyes. He kind of chuckled into the kiss enjoying the memory rather than answering her back with his line. And what a scorching kiss it was.

He tilted her head at an angel to deepen the kiss, sliding their tongues together and nipping at her lips. "I always wanna kiss you. I love you, Rachel Berry. Just you." He wasn't surprised that she didn't say it back. She hadn't said it in a while, or very often at all over the past few weeks. That didn't matter though.

As they kissed, he felt her breathing become labored and her kisses grew more forceful again. The next thing he knew she was pulling the blanket away from his lap. She didn't say another word or even look him in the eye. She simply reached out and wrapped a hand around his dick, stroking the shaft slowly. He groaned loudly, a kind of growl building in the back of his throat and sharply inhaled at the sudden unexpected contact of her hand.

"Holy shit, Rach," he exhaled.

"See? It feels good, right?" Rachel watched his face now, as if looking for the truth, as if unsure she could trust his words.

"Sooo good baby, you have no idea..." Finn writhed a little under her touch, clenching her comforter in his large hands. She took notice of her blanket twisting in his fists and got jealous of the purple fabric until a memory of ugly harsh hands fisting in her hair while she cried in pain flashed in her memory. NO. She wasn't gonna let the monster back in right now.

Without a word she stood up and removed her yoga pants and her shirt, then moved back to the bed straddling his lap. She wasn't wearing a bra because it aggravated her still sore ribs, so she was essentially nude in his lap now, the only barrier between them being the thin cotton of her yellow panties which were damp with her own arousal.

Finn wasn't sure what she was doing exactly or where this was headed but LOUD alarm bells were ringing in his head. His hands couldn't stop from touching her naked thighs, but he wouldn't allow them to move; he simply rested them there and waited to see what she would say or do next.

"Are you sure you want me, Finn? You're not moving your hands. I can feel you getting harder, but I need to know I turn you on. You turn me on Finn, can you feel it? I'm wet, right? Am I wet enough for you yet?"

Good god she was trying to kill him now. His brain screamed mailman mailman mailman!

"Y-yeah baby, you're so wet and hot and FUCK yes, YES I want you so bad but... maybe we should–"

"You should stop listening to some GUY who doesn't even know ME, Finn. Dr Bob is some stranger who isn't even a woman who can't know what a woman feels like or what a woman needs... I'm who you need to listen to."

"Um... okay."

She took his hand and placed it on her right breast. "You can touch, Finn. I want you to touch me." She leaned over and again assaulted his mouth with hers, biting and pulling at his bottom lip, plunging her tongue into his mouth teasing his, sucking it hard. He groaned into her mouth as he gently rubbed his thumb over her nipple fighting the urge to ravage her. His hips bucked up involuntarily as she ground against his now painfully erect length.

"TOUCH me Finn, stop being a pussy and squeeze!" What the hell? He really couldn't believe she was talking like this or behaving like this at all, and he wasn't sure how to react. On one hand, he loved her and he WANTED this with her, but on the other... this was just insane! He guessed this is why Dr Bob said they should wait for intimacy – but now he's in the middle of this thing with her and he's not sure what to do. Is it better to stop or keep going? Will she feel used or rejected? Which way would hurt her worse, to keep going or to stop now?

"Give me your other hand," she commanded. He was softly sucking on her neck as she took his free hand then shoved it into the front of her panties into her wetness. Finn's entire body spasmed at the feel of her slick heat and his hips bucked against her again.

This was just so messed up.

"Holy fuck Rachel... baby are you sure I should be–"

"Put your fingers inside me, Finn. Do it now."

"I-I-... are you sure–"

"DO IT! Unless you don't really want me?"

"No, I do, I do I just... ahhh fuck Rachel I just don't know if I can hold back, if I go too far I might get carried away again and I might not be able to stop."

"Who said you have to?"

Wait, was she saying... because it sure sounded like she was saying they were going to have sex...was she? "Is it a good idea? I don't want you to regret anything or hate me for making you do things you don't want."

"Finn. Isn't the fact that I shoved your hand against my vagina proof enough that I want this?" She started to move off his lap "But I guess I was right. I'm too dirty and slutty and you don't want me anymore, so you should–"

Before she could finish the sentence he slammed his mouth over hers in a fiery smoldering kiss. His hands pulled her hips back to his lap and he rolled her over onto her back, now hovering above her. He pushed the crotch of her damp panties to the side and slid his finger into her wet opening. She gasped and spread her legs as far apart on the bed as they could reach on their own.

She kissed him hard and bit his bottom lip again. "More Finn. Use three fingers, and spread them open inside me," she commanded. He almost swallowed his tongue again.

"Wh-what? A-are you– Is that even safe?" He stuttered.

She reached down and gripped his penis, rubbing her thumb roughly over the tip. "Of course it is. Babies come out through there, Finn, WHOLE BABIES. My body was built for you to do this to me. You said you trust me. Did you lie? Your hard cock wants you to do it."

And so he did, if apprehensively. He slowly and gently added two more fingers. She moaned a little and bit at his neck and he knew she must be leaving like half a dozen hickeys on him but the feel of her heat and wetness was consuming his brain and fire was spreading through his body at the feel of her hand gripping him and of his hand inside her. "Ouch Rach, easy with the teeth babe," he gasped.

"Rip off my panties, Finn," she practically growled in his ear.

"Uh... Okay babe," he choked out and hooked his fingers into the elastic at her hips. As he started to tug down, she got angry.

"NO I didn't say take them off I said RIP them off!"

Something in his brain clicked and that alarm bell in his head clobbered him like a baseball bat. This was NOT his Rachel. Whatever this was, it wasn't right. He sat up and looked her square in the eye. "Rachel, I-I'm not... I'm not gonna be that way with you. I can't."

She released his length and tears flooded her eyes. "Get out."

What the hell?

"GET OUT!"

"No, Rach why? What did I say?"

"You don't think I'm sexy at all. And you shouldn't. Because I'm NOT! I'm just filthy and disgusting and you don't really want me." She tried to cover herself but he was grabbing at her wrists to hold her attention.

Finn was so taken aback at her complete change in demeanor, one moment she was dominating him and the next, all her insecurities were back at the surface taking control. He couldn't keep up with her shifting gears like this. And why did she want him to be so aggressive with her? He had a feeling he knew the answer and the image of an older man's bashed-in bloodied face crossed his mind and made his blood go cold.

He was already pretty sure that sex between them wasn't right at this time, but he was certain if he didn't prove to her how desirable she was to him he'd lose her altogether.

"Do you want me to fuck you Rachel? Is that what you're asking me to do?"

"I shouldn't have to ask. You're just supposed to want to. Sexy girls don't need to ask. Hot girls don't need to talk their boyfriends into it."

He took a deep breath and gripped the front of the thin yellow panties in his large fist, tugging at them but not tearing them. "You think you need to ASK me to do this to you Rach? Are you fucking serious? I DREAM about doing this to you, Rachel. I've wanted this for over a year. And you are SO fucking sexy to me that it's a wonder I've been able to control myself around you this long. But I do this almost every night in my dreams. That first kiss in the auditorium? You made me come in my pants from one kiss, Rachel. Did you know that? That's why I walked away so fast, because you made me cream my shorts. You're my fantasy girl, baby. And I'd do just about anything to prove that to you... but I can't do what you're asking me to do right now because THAT isn't how I love you, and it isn't how I want to love you. Why would you want me to act like that?"

"But it's what I need from you Finn, it's what I–"

"No, baby. No. He was WRONG Rachel! He-he shouldn't have done those things to you and I'm NOT gonna be him."

"Th-that's not what I– Finn, I wasn't trying to–"

"Rachel. Why would you ask me to be rough with you? To treat you that way? Is this what he did to you?"

She didn't answer him and wouldn't look him in the eye. "Baby... Rach I respect you too much to ever treat you that way. You deserve to be treated so much better than that..."

Her small defiant voice answered with "No I don't. Not anymore."

"Hey, look at me," he gently tugged her chin in his direction. He waited to see those beautiful brown eyes fully focused on him. "Yes you DO. He was WRONG, Rach. He was wrong, baby... you didn't deserve that."

"But he–"

"He was WRONG. Everything he said and did to you was WRONG. He shouldn't have ever touched you at all, Rach."

"But I made him–"

"No... No Rachel. You didn't. I love you, baby, but please stop blaming yourself... he was wrong. That isn't how you deserve to be treated. You deserve to be loved... really LOVED. And I wanna love you the right way. But tonight isn't the right time. It's not because you're not hot or sexy or that I don't want you. It's because you don't even KNOW it isn't the right time. And because you don't know that what he did wasn't right... Babe, you're not ready."

"It's just SEX Finn! Why are you making it into something else, it's–"

"No, it isn't Rachel. Not for me it's not. When it's with you, it can't just be sex. And I want our first time together to be right – for BOTH of us. This? This isn't how you want things to be, I know it isn't. Me ravaging you like some kind of animal? I mean if it was under any other circumstances maybe it could be hot or fun or whatever, but not the way you're asking me right now, not tonight. I love you too much to do that to you."

Rachel laid still and quiet for a long time. Finn moved to lay next to her, pressing small kisses into her hair on the side of her head. "I love you Rachel. This is too important to me. I messed it up for myself with the wrong girl last time. I'm NOT gonna mess it up for the both of us this time. The way I treat you matters to me. And I know it matters to you too, whether you think it does or not."

She exhaled loudly and rolled to her side to look at him. "You're right. I know it matters, Finn. I'm sorry... I don't know what I was thinking."

"What were you thinking, Rach? Because there's only one thing I can think of and I REALLY don't want to imagine it..."

She took his hand and toyed with his fingers as she tried to explain. "I... I read online about something called exposure therapy. I thought... I don't know. I thought if I were exposed to the things that keep replaying in my nightmares, maybe they'd stop being a problem. I'd get used to it, numb to it.. Also, he's the only one to have... to have done those things to me. So it's only ever going to be HIM I see. I don't want to see him. I don't want to THINK about him. So maybe if it's with you, I could focus on YOU. Because I know I can trust you not to hurt me... because I know you love me."

Finn sighed heavily. "So this is some kind of real therapy tactic? Like, you mean people DO this kinda thing in their doctor's office to get better from something like what you went through?" He couldn't even wrap his head around the idea there could be doctors doing things like this to their patients? That was crazy!

"Well no, not exactly... I mean, certainly not the way I went about it. People aren't like, having sex at their therapist's office. I just thought it would be the fastest, easiest way to get over it."

"Rach. Babe, I'm not a doctor, and neither are you. I know you don't have a lot of trust in them although I'm not real sure why, but this is the kind of thing you should talk about to someone with like, an MD or a PhD on the end of their name. I don't have the right letters on my name to help you like this, not the right way. I can't... I don't want to make things worse for you, baby, but I don't think this way is going to help. I mean, it wasn't helping me, that's for sure... and I wasn't the one who got attacked like that."

He could hear her soft sobs in the quiet of the room and sat up to look at her. "Hey... babe please don't cry. I know you just want to get past this, I want that for you too, but it takes what it takes... you can't force it."

"I just don't wanna see him in my dreams anymore, Finn! I don't want to feel HIS hands on my body! I don't want to smell him... Why can't I just STOP seeing him?"

He peppered her face with soft kisses, trying to kiss away the tears. "I don't know, baby... I wish I could make it stop for you, I swear to god I'd do it if I could." His heart was breaking for her over and over, and he really wished he could do ANYTHING to help her... but how?

"Can you just... Can you love me Finn? The way I am now? Can you still love me?"

"I do love you, Rach."

"No... I mean, you said you want to love me the RIGHT way. Can you show me?"

"I... oh god Rach. I want to, so bad, but... baby I think we should wait."

"Wait for WHAT Finn? You want me to be FIXED first? What if I never get fixed? What if I stay broken like this forever? I just... I want you. I know it doesn't make sense to you, and I know you don't trust that I really want this from you but I do think it'll help me. You say you want me too, Finn, so why not do this with me? Are you afraid?"

"Hell yeah I'm afraid."

"Why?"

"What if I make it worse? What if we do this and you start having nightmares about ME?"

"I... I don't think that would happen, Finn. You, you're my safe place. You're where I feel the safest and most secure and the most comforted. No, I don't think it's possible for me to have nightmares about you."

"But you don't know for sure that you wouldn't. And you can't promise that I wouldn't make it worse." He really couldn't believe he was trying to talk Rachel OUT OF having sex. With HIM. What the hell was happening, has the world gone bizarro backwards on him or what?

"Finn. I know you saw him. I know that had to have a lasting impact on how you see me now. Don't lie to me," she held his cheeks in her little hands.

"Yeah it sure as hell did, Rach. I sure don't wanna see that sonofabitch's face ever again either, but he's in MY nightmares too."

"Well, don't you think we can both change the narrative? Don't you think it's worth a try?"

He held his hand over one of hers still against his face. "You really want to do this with me tonight, don't you?"

"I want us to be NORMAL Finn. I want to feel like... like I have a CHANCE at feeling normal again. Then maybe my next dream is about YOU instead of him. And maybe it's a GOOD dream."

Finn was so conflicted at this moment. He wanted so much to just go with this idea, hoping she was onto something, maybe she was right. But something in him just couldn't do it yet. He needed to talk to Dr Bob. He really wished she would see her own doctor.

He kissed her sweetly on the lips and slid his tongue into her mouth, allowing his hands to gently caress her side and cupped her breast. She rolled her hips to his again and he broke the kiss. "I love you Rachel. I love you so much, and I do wanna do this with you... but not tonight. I promise we'll try another time though."

She sighed, realizing this wasn't going to happen no matter how much she pressed him. "Will you do just one thing for me at least?"

"If I can, I will."

"He... he forced me to orgasm. I never wanted that from him, I swear to you Finn. I tried to fight against it but... he knew how to make it happen and I couldn't stop him. I hate that he took that control from me. I hate that my body listened to him. And I really hate that HE got to do that but you never did."

"You... do you want me to..."

"Touch me Finn. The right way. I need it to be YOUR hands I think about. Please? Please..."

As much as he still thought they were playing with fire, he couldn't deny her this. So he didn't. He just prayed this wasn't a mistake they would both regret.

Finn pressed his lips back to hers and allowed his hands to explore, gently and with as much love as he could possibly convey. By the time she was coming undone under his touch they were both in tears and she clung to his shoulders, never letting go.

"Thank you, Finn. I love you," she murmured into his neck.

"I love you more, baby. Forever."