radio star

xiv. i don't belong there

"Syaoran?"

"Mizuki," Syaoran said, standing up. He sounded pained, and indeed, the breathlessness of his voice left Sakura with the impression that he didn't have to have fallen off of a swing to lose all the air in his lungs. "What are you doing here?"

As she tried to process what was happening, Sakura found herself reaching into the archives of her brain for what knowledge she had of the relationship between Syaoran and Mizuki Akizawa. Aside from what little Syaoran had mentioned to her about it and what she'd learned through her job, Sakura realized that she didn't know much about their relationship at all.

Since she had started at Glimmer, Chiharu had dutifully filled her in on the very basic details—when they'd first been spotted together, when they'd first announced that they were dating, how long they were together, their status as a power couple, and the story of their breakup—but beyond that, Sakura knew nothing. The breakup had been amicable, if she recalled the details correctly, but...

Sakura immediately recognized the look on Syaoran's face as he gaped at Mizuki. It was a curious mixture of fear and resentment with a trace of lingering adoration—and Sakura recognized it because it was the same look she had given Isamu in the moments when she'd seen him after their own breakup. It was the look of a hurt, confused child or an animal wounded by its own master—torn, unsure, and yet, still loyal, still loving, even if reluctantly so. There was no mistaking that expression.

She recalled what Chiharu had told her about "amicable breakups" in the media. "Usually, they're anything but amicable," she had said. "After all, their relationships have an extra layer of complication around them because of their fame. It's only natural that their breakups would be even messier than the average breakup. But what are they supposed to tell the press? That they screamed and swore and threw things at each other before one of them had to move out of their apartment? They like to keep up that facade of perfection. Anything else is a hassle. Think about it, Sakura. 'Amicable' breakups are a lot less likely to start a media frenzy."

This situation certainly seemed to reflect some of the truth in Chiharu's words, Sakura thought as she looked back and forth between the two figures.

Mizuki wore a look of tentative friendliness on her face, her lips curved into a slight smile and her brows raised. She looked harmless enough, Sakura thought; her eyes were kind, crinkling slightly when she smiled, and the blonde curls gave her a look of angelic innocence. Although she was taller than Sakura, her stature was still small, especially compared to Syaoran, and Sakura was surprised—perhaps childishly so—to see that although Mizuki was a major A-list celebrity, she dressed down in loose jeans, a cropped t-shirt that hung off of her left shoulder, and a red baseball cap. For some reason, Sakura had expected to see a glamorous woman in full makeup wearing designer heels and a skintight dress, if she ever came across an A-list actress.

That said, the casual dress did not take away from the air of celebrity about her: Mizuki Akizawa was pretty, but she was made beautiful in that polished, constantly-groomed way that only celebrities or the extraordinarily wealthy could afford. And as Sakura finally got to see all of this up close, she realized that no matter what exactly had happened between Mizuki and Syaoran, in terms of appearance and beauty, they were truly a match made in heaven.

"I... I didn't think you'd be here," Mizuki murmured, eyes wide, although she didn't seem quite as surprised as Syaoran was.

Syaoran stared at her in silence, and so Mizuki continued, a nervous edge to her voice. "I just kind of missed this place... I'm back from Thailand, and so I thought I'd drop by to see it. I had no intention of imposing on you, Syaoran. I'm sorry."

"Why would you not expect me to be here?" Syaoran responded, his voice flat now. "I pretty much live here. You know that."

Sakura bit her lip as she watched the scene unfold before her. She could feel the crackle of tension between them, and she felt as though if either of them looked at her, she would end up being the one to get electrocuted somehow. Thankfully, she was certain she'd been all but forgotten in the suddenness of their conversation. In this moment, the last thing she wanted was to get involved. But how would she leave unnoticed? She'd have to walk right between them to do so, right in the line of fire.

"Syaoran," Mizuki said softly. "Since I'm here, do you think we could talk?" The smile was gone from her face now, and in its place was a look that Sakura could only describe as remorseful and maybe a little sad.

Syaoran narrowed his eyes. Whatever good will he'd felt towards Mizuki for the kind, surprisingly considerate and self-aware words in her email was rapidly dissipating.

"I've got work," he muttered, although he didn't take his eyes off of her. How could she just come and expect to talk as if nothing was wrong? He hadn't responded to her email for a reason. It was too soon—he wasn't ready to have anything to do with her. And of course, now that she was trying to force her way back in, he was all the more resistant. That was in his nature. She should have known that better than anyone, he thought.

On top of that, in the back of his mind somewhere, he recalled that before her arrival, something important had been transpiring...

Sakura.

He looked over at Sakura now, and if the situation weren't so jarring and serious, he would have laughed. She looked utterly confused and out of place standing behind him, eyes trained carefully on a nondescript spot on the ceiling and clearly trying to go unnoticed.

Mizuki's eyes followed Syaoran's, and for the first time since she'd arrived in the studio, she seemed to remember that someone else was present in the room with them.

"Syaoran—who is that?"

Despite her discomfort, Sakura stood to introduce herself. Somehow, it felt less intrusive than to have Syaoran introduce her—and perhaps this way, she could make an easy getaway...

"Hi, I'm Sakura Kinomoto," she said, bowing her head to Mizuki. "It's a pleasure to meet you!"

"Pleasure," Mizuki replied slowly, a curious smile on her face. Although her expression wasn't unkind, she was looking at Sakura more the way a spectator would view an exhibit at a museum than a human would look at a fellow human. "I'm Mizuki Akizawa."

There was a pause, and Sakura began to gather her bag so she could make her way out. "Well, it was so nice to meet you, and you came just in time—I'm actually just on my way out the door—"

"Ms. Kinomoto, how do you know Syaoran?"

Sakura dropped her bag in surprise.

A curveball.

She hadn't quite expected Mizuki to ask her any questions, but she figured that she should have known. After all, Sakura was a woman, and she was here with Mizuki's ex-boyfriend... And they'd probably looked awfully cozy as Mizuki had walked in... She felt her face grow hot, and she knew she must have turned red as a beet.

What am I supposed to say?

"Mizuki, that's enough!" Syaoran growled, now thoroughly agitated. His eyes were ablaze as he glowered at her. Sakura noticed from behind that one of his hands were clenched into a fist. "Leave. I don't have time to talk to you. I'm working," he repeated.

Clearly hurt, Mizuki widened her eyes and then lowered them. Sakura watched in dismay, feeling more and more by the second like she was witnessing something she had no right to witness. She'd never seen Syaoran's face so dark before.

"Oh—Syaoran, that's okay—I was just going to leave anyway," Sakura said hastily, grabbing her bag again and plastering a smile on her face. Before anyone could make another move or say another word, Sakura made her way across the room and moved past Mizuki.

"It was nice to meet you, Miss Akizawa," Sakura said. She hardly turned to wave at Syaoran. "I'll see you around, Syaoran."

"Sakura, wait—"

But Sakura hurried out the door, her face flushed and hot. As she ran down the hall, everything that had just occurred played back over rapidly in her head. When she finally made it out of the building, she stepped into the warm outdoor air and faced the now-setting sun before leaning against the wall and heaving a sigh.

The whole situation had been strange and uncomfortable, she thought, and it left her with a bad feeling that she couldn't place. Mizuki's quizzical expression, Syaoran's darkened face, the clearly unresolved tension between the two of them—all of it somehow felt even more bizarre than anything she'd experienced up to this point. And unlike her own interactions with Syaoran, seeing this—seeing Mizuki—suddenly made her realize exactly how out of place she was in Syaoran's world.

After letting out a long exhale, she headed towards the bus stop, but the last thing she wanted to do was go home. She fished her phone out of her bag and dialed the number she knew by heart.

"Sakura!" Tomoyo sang from the other line. "What's up?"

"Are you busy right now?" Sakura said as she walked down the street.

"Not particularly. Why?"

"Think you could pick me up? I could use an ear."

"Syaoran..."

Syaoran stood pinching the bridge of his nose as he fought to control his emotions. He could feel Mizuki's eyes on him and hear her voice, but she sounded very far away. It occurred to him that he should have run after Sakura, who was likely very confused. But he was frozen in place, and all he could do was wonder what he was supposed to do next.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and his head jerked up out of his hand. He saw jade eyes staring into his own, perfectly shaped blonde eyebrows furrowed over them in concern.

"Are you all right?"

Syaoran met her eyes, staring silently for a moment, and then he gently took her hand off of his shoulder. He walked over to the corner where his workbag was to gather his things. There was no way he could stay here. He wasn't sure where he'd go, but he suddenly felt a desperate need to get away. "Mizuki... I really think you should leave."

"But I—" Mizuki paused before letting out a sigh, and Syaoran heard her breath catch. "Okay."

He turned to look at her, and his heart broke as he watched her hold back tears, pressing her lips together. His eyes softened, and the desperation inside of his chest seemed to die down ever so slightly.

She nodded, seemingly to herself, and blinked very quickly several times. "Okay. I'll go," she said again, and she forced a smile onto her face. "I'm sorry, Syaoran. I really didn't mean to bother you."

As she turned to leave, Syaoran felt a sinking in his stomach, and it seemed as though there were several voices shouting over each other in his head. He couldn't stand to see her so hurt like that, particularly by his doing. But what about when he'd been miserable because of how she'd ended things with him? Didn't he have every right to let her walk out? But she'd come in peace, another part of him argued, and wasn't he being a little too hostile? What harm would it do to at least just offer her a chance to talk...?

Don't do it, he told himself, but he knew it was too late.

"Mizuki."

She turned around to face him, and Syaoran saw that she'd let the tears fall down as soon as she'd turned away—they were streaking her cheeks, leaving faint trails of mascara running down her face.

"Why did you come here?"

Her brows raised in surprise, Mizuki stood frozen in place, even though Syaoran had already asked her once before. Perhaps she realized that this time, he was looking for a true answer.

"You knew I'd be here, didn't you?" Syaoran said quietly, holding her eyes.

Mizuki bit her lip before wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. She shook her head. "I had no way of knowing." She paused. "But I did hope."

And there it was. Even if it wasn't a statement of love, it was confirmation that whatever small shred of hope Syaoran had clung onto for the last few months hadn't been totally unfounded. Things hadn't ended completely where they should have, feelings had been left utterly unresolved, and now, what were they to do?

"Goddamn it," Syaoran muttered, and he fell back into the chair behind him, feeling his heart hammering as the rest of his body suddenly seemed to collapse under the strain. His hand had found its way back to his face again, covering his eyes as he tried not to explode from the intense mixture of emotions.

"Syaoran, I—I'm sorry," Mizuki said, her voice cracking.

He made no move to answer.

"I know—I know I broke your heart," she continued. "But I just can't live with myself knowing that you're in pain—"

He stood back up and suddenly slammed a fist onto the desk beside him, causing Mizuki to jump backwards and let out a squeak. "Do you think I want to hear you apologize to me?" he shouted. "Don't you think it was easier for me to just stay angry at you until I could forget about you altogether? Couldn't you at least do me the favor of letting things die that way?"

"Forget about me?" Mizuki's eyes widened in hurt, her own voice louder now. "You wanted to forget about me?"

"Of course I did! It was the easiest way out!"

"But—at the end, we said we'd be friends—Syaoran, how could you say something like—"

"BECAUSE AT THE END, I WAS SO DESPERATE FOR YOU NOT TO LEAVE THAT I SAID ANYTHING I COULD TO KEEP YOU FROM DOING IT!" Syaoran roared, tears filling his own eyes for the first time since it had ended. He refused to let them spill over, but his voice shook as he continued. "I begged you to believe me, Mizuki! I begged you to stay. I told you I'd give anything. And even after all of our years of knowing each other, somehow, it wasn't enough. Somehow, you still threw everything aside."

Mizuki held a hand to her mouth, sobbing now as she watched him stare at her with raw hurt in his eyes and his chest heaving up and down.

He let out a shaky exhale and looked off to the side before willing himself to meet her gaze again. "Mizuki, why the fuck are you here? Why are you doing this to me? What the hell do you want from me that you haven't already taken away?"

"Syaoran, I'm so sorry," she choked out. "I never wanted it to be like this, I wanted to be friends because..."

"Because of what, Mizuki? What is it that's driving you to barge back into my life like this?"

"I don't know," Mizuki said, shaking her head as she cried. "I think I still love you, and I don't know what to do..."

Syaoran's brows furrowed, and suddenly, his face was overwhelmingly vulnerable and angry at the same time. "You what?"

"I just don't know what I want... But I still love you, Syaoran, I do," Mizuki sobbed. She looked up and met his eyes. "How could I not? You've been one of my dearest friends for so long, and it's driving me insane because I don't know what to do."

A long period of silence passed, filled only by Mizuki's stifled sobs, until finally, Syaoran let out a long, dejected sigh. "But it wasn't enough, in the end, was it?" he muttered. "In the end, you still left. And I can't forget that."

Mizuki stared at him through tearful eyes, her expression just as pained as his own, and she nodded. "Okay. I'm really sorry," she managed, and she turned around to leave.

This time, Syaoran didn't stop her.

"Mizuki Akizawa?" Tomoyo shouted, her eyes nearly full circles. "Sakura, that's absurd!"

"No kidding," Sakura muttered, glancing down at her hands, which she could not seem to stop wringing. "Try not to crash the car."

"Right," Tomoyo breathed, turning her head back towards the road and gripping the steering wheel more tightly. "Oh, my God." She paused to regain her composure. "So what did he say?"

"He was really angry," Sakura said quietly. "I've never seen him that mad before. He tried to ignore her, and then she asked me who I was and how I knew him, and he got so angry that I could feel it radiating off of him. He told her to leave."

"Did she?"

Sakura shook her head. "I was really uncomfortable... I left first."

Tomoyo scoffed. "And he just let you go?"

"He called after me, but I thought he should stay and talk to her... Anyway, why wouldn't he let me go?" Sakura added to herself, her heart sinking a little as she looked out the window. She didn't expect to feel so melancholy, but it was settling over her very suddenly and very quickly.

"So... Do you think he hates her, then, if he was so angry? What could he possibly have to talk about with her if he's that mad at her?"

"No," Sakura said, her brow furrowing. "I don't think he hates her at all. On the contrary, I think..." She sighed. "I think he's still in love with her."

Tomoyo raised a brow. "What? Why would you say that?"

"Well," Sakura said carefully, "I've never seen him react so strongly to anything. Even if it was a negative reaction, she's still very capable of making him emotional. If he were over it, that wouldn't be true."

"That doesn't mean he's in love with her, though," Tomoyo countered. "Don't you think that's assuming a little too much?"

Sakura shook her head. "No."

Tomoyo frowned as she pulled up to a red light. She looked over at her friend. "Why? What makes you so sure?"

Sakura continued to look out the windshield at the street ahead, refusing to meet Tomoyo's eyes. "Because I saw the look on his face, and it was the same one I used to wear when I would see Isamu."

Tomoyo bit her lip. "Oh, Sakura..."

Sakura turned to Tomoyo, startled as though she'd been woken from a trance. She plastered a smile on her face. "But it's fine. I hope they work things out. I really do. He deserves to be happy. I feel like he's such a lonely person."

"Sakura," Tomoyo said softly, "You know you can be honest with me."

"What?" Sakura responded, laughing, although it sounded forced. "I'm fine. Really, it has nothing to do with me at all."

"It has everything to do with you."

Sakura shook her head, and the smile faded from her face as she shut her eyes and leaned her head against the window. "It can't."

Tomoyo pulled into Sakura's parking lot and put the car into park before turning to her friend. She could see how shaken Sakura actually was, even as she tried her hardest to hide it. "You really like him, don't you?" Tomoyo asked.

Sakura paused for a long moment before nodding once. "I do," she breathed.

"So how do you really feel about it, then?"

Sakura pressed her lips together, thinking carefully before she spoke. "It's true, what I said. I do want him to be happy. But if I'm being really honest," she said in a low voice, "I don't want her to be the one to make him happy. I don't want to admit it... It's so silly. But... I want it to be me. I wish I could make him happy."

She glanced down at her hands and picked at her fingers before letting out a sigh. "I can't, though."

Tomoyo raised her eyebrows. "What? Why?"

"Because he's him," Sakura replied, her voice slightly incredulous, as though she thought Tomoyo should have known.

"But you're the one who was saying that celebrities aren't any different from us," Tomoyo said, frowning. "You guys are friends—you do make him happy! It shouldn't matter that he's famous."

"It was naïve of me to say those things," Sakura mumbled.

"Sakura, what's gotten into you? What's made you like this all of a sudden?"

Sakura folded her hands in her lap in a conscious effort to stop wringing them, and then she finally looked over at Tomoyo. "It's not over between them. And honestly, after today, I really know..." She let out a shaky sigh. "I know I don't belong in their world. He's hers in more than one way. I don't belong there between them."

Tomoyo didn't know what to say in response, shocked at how defeated Sakura seemed.

"When she asked me how I knew him, Tomoyo," Sakura continued, "what was I supposed to say? That I'm a loser paparazzo and that I didn't even want this job, that I didn't know who he was and that we became friends because he felt sorry for him? And now, through some ridiculous twist of events, I've fallen for him?" She laughed mirthlessly.

"Sakura, that's not what happened—"

"But when it comes down to it, it is," Sakura responded, and now she had to look away again, because her eyes were beginning to water. "I feel so pathetic, like I'm following this famous person around like a little lost puppy when his beautiful ex-girlfriend is just around the corner. I don't belong in that world, Tomoyo," she said, and she wiped tears as they fell from her eyes.

Tomoyo reached over to pull Sakura into a hug, and Sakura began to cry into Tomoyo's shoulder in earnest. "It was difficult, wasn't it? You really did want this, even when you kept telling yourself you didn't."

Sakura nodded through her tears.

"I don't care who he is, Sakura—you deserve any guy you set your sights on. You're the most amazing person I know. You're a lot more than most people could ever ask for," Tomoyo murmured sincerely.

After some time, Sakura pulled away, letting out a long exhale and wiping away tears. "Thanks," she said, managing to pull on a smile. "I think I'm just really tired... I really overreacted, didn't I?"

"No, you didn't," Tomoyo said. "You reacted like anyone would."

"Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do at this point."

"What's that?"

"I have to quit my job."

Tomoyo's eyes widened. "What? Why?"

"Because I didn't realize how invested I was in this until I realized something could pull it away from me. Tomoyo, I'm way too deep in for this to be any kind of ethical. It wasn't ethical from the start."

"But that doesn't mean—I mean, what will you do for work?"

Sakura sighed. "I guess I'll go job-hunting and hopefully get a desk job somewhere until I can do interviews again next year." She shrugged. "I liked the people there a lot. Chiharu and Yamazaki were really good to me. And of course I liked being around Syaoran," she said softly, "but this wasn't ever a real job in the first place. I kept this going for too long."

Tomoyo looked crestfallen. "Sakura..."

"It's okay," Sakura said. "It really is better this way. I'd be so guilt-ridden if I kept this up. And I'd just feel pathetic around Syaoran. I can't do that anymore."

Tomoyo bit her lip, and then she nodded. "I guess that makes sense. Okay. Well, keep me updated. And please, for the love of God, let me know if you need any help with anything."

"I will."

Tomoyo gave her a stern look. "I mean it."

Sakura laughed. "Okay. I will! I promise."

Syaoran lay in the darkness of his room, absolutely certain that he would not fall asleep tonight. He had dialed Mizuki's number into his phone countless times since that afternoon, but he'd never ended up calling her. What would he even say? That he still loved her, too? He scoffed to himself.

It was strange, he thought. She had offered him something he'd wanted from her for months on a silver platter. He suspected that if he'd asked her to work things out right then and there, she wouldn't have fought very hard. It was not irrational to think that they could have walked out of the studio a couple again.

And yet, he'd turned her away. It pained him to have hurt her so much in the process, but he remembered distinctly feeling that it was something he had to do. Why?

Syaoran would have been lying if he denied that some small, sick part of him relished in being able to hurt Mizuki the way she'd hurt him before. But in the end, that wasn't it. In the end, he did want her to be happy. There was something else.

He'd wanted to do one particular thing all day since Mizuki had left the studio. He had resisted up to this point, but in the night, his will seemed to have diminished. Sighing, he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed his phone. It was a little late to call, he realized. Still lying on his back, he held the phone over his face, its glow making him squint slightly in the darkness.

I'm sorry about earlier, he tapped into a text message. He hesitated, and then he added, I wish I could see you.

He hit "send," and using his last bit of willpower, he turned the phone off for the night and buried his head under his pillow, drifting—despite his earlier conviction that he wouldn't—quickly off to sleep.

"Sakura, why are you so early today? It's only eight in the morning! Not that I'm not happy to see you," Yamazaki added, grinning cheerfully as he leaned back in his chair.

Sakura smiled as she sat down across the desk from him. "I, uh... I was wondering if you had a moment to talk."

"Sure," Yamazaki said, and he sensed her apprehension immediately. "Is everything all right?" he asked, concerned now.

Sakura nodded, but she felt her eyes water as she saw the kindness in his eyes. She glanced down quickly so he wouldn't see, and she placed an envelope on his desk.

Yamazaki stared at it for a moment, brows raised in surprise. Stamped onto the envelope were the words "Letter of Resignation."

"Sakura, what is this? Why all of a sudden?" His voice was still kind, although curious.

Sakura held her breath, and then she met his eyes. "I have something to tell you about all of those photographs I've taken, Yamazaki."

Syaoran awoke to a loud knocking noise, and he opened one eye to see that it was morning. Meiling's voice trailed through the room from the other side of the door.

"Syaoran, why is your phone off? Open the door right now!"

Syaoran groaned as he sat up and grabbed a shirt draped over his desk chair nearby, pulling it on as he walked to the door to open it.

"What?" he muttered, yawning as he scratched his head. "What's the big deal? And why didn't you wait for me to open the door for you? You can't just come breaking in here all the time."

"You left your phone off, so I couldn't call to wake you up, you idiot," Meiling growled. "What's the point of giving me a spare key if you don't expect me to use it?"

"Yeah, yeah. What's up? Am I late for something? I thought the first half of the day was free."

"It is. But we've got a problem."

"What is it?"

"I need you to be very honest with me," Meiling said, looking Syaoran right in the eyes. "Syaoran, the tabloids have photographs of Mizuki leaving the studio yesterday. Were you there?"

That's it for now! My God, this was a tough chapter to write. I ran into writing blocks in the middle of paragraphs—sometimes sentences, even—so it might be a bit of a mess. Because it was the first really dramatic, expositional chapter in a while, I'm lacking a bit of confidence in it, to be quite honest, haha. Regardless, I hope you guys enjoyed it. There's not a whole lot of interaction between Sakura and Syaoran in this one, I know, but in the next chapter, there should be plenty to go around! And I do want to apologize for having multiple (three, if I counted correctly) cliffhangers in this chapter, but that means next chapter's pacing will be much quicker!

Thanks for all of your support up until now! The reviews from the last chapter were so nice. You are all amazing. I hope you continue to leave reviews! I'm very curious as to what you all think of Mizuki and Syaoran's interaction with her. The fight between them was particularly difficult to write. I hope it was as convincing and moving on paper as it was in my head, haha.

Anyway, the next chapter is still in the planning stages, but I'm always thinking and always writing bit by bit, so it should be up soon! Thank you so much for reading, and please review! Happy New Year!

Love,

boreum dal