radio star
xxii. good enough
Quick author's note: All timestamps and dates in the chapter are indicative of the time in Tokyo, not Hong Kong or NYC. I believe Tokyo is fourteen hours ahead of New York City at the time of year this chapter takes place.
Date: October 21, 20XX
To: Syaoran Li
Fr: Sakura Kinomoto
Subject: Thoughts
Dear Syaoran,
I know sending you an email is a little old-fashioned, but I like writing, and I also can't text you since you're on the plane to Hong Kong right about now. I hope you're able to relax with your family for a couple of days and that you get your fill of your crazy sisters!
Anyway, I was just thinking about our trip to the beach. I really enjoyed it... It was the first time I've been to the beach in a really long while. I used to go in the summers with my dad and my brother all the time, but of course it became much harder after I left for college. I rarely went in the winter, so I didn't realize until our trip how nice it is and how clearly visible the stars are this time of year. I caught myself wanting to suggest revisiting with you in the summer, but then I remembered that probably couldn't happen. I had to laugh because I had no idea how I'd just conveniently forgotten that you're a famous person a lot of people would recognize.
Work starts in three days and I'm kind of nervous. I want to do a good job and I want to have time to work on my freelance pieces. I also have no idea what I'm doing. I never saw myself being a secretary for some corporate firm, you know? What if I'm so bad at it that I get fired the first day? Or worse, what if I don't get fired, and then I just get stuck doing that for the rest of my life?
Anyway, this is just me rambling. I thought I'd fill the text box with things I'd say to you in person. I thought I did a pretty good job!
Hope you're flying safe. Enjoy your trip!
Sincerely (does that sound weirdly impersonal to you?),
Sakura
Friday, October 21
Syaoran Li (12:15 AM): Just landed in Hong Kong and making my way through the airport. I hope you're sleeping well.
Syaoran Li (12:16 AM): Also, I saw your email. Give me a few hours to appease my crazy sisters. I'll get back to you right after.
Date: October 22, 20XX
To: Sakura Kinomoto
Fr: Syaoran Li
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Dear Sakura,
Sending an email is very old-fashioned, but it gave me something to read on the plane, so thank you. This might actually be one of the best ways to communicate between us, since the time difference between New York and Japan make phone conversations or even texting a little difficult. Not to say you can't call or text me if you need to.
"Relax" isn't the word I'd use with my family, given how overbearing my sisters are, but it's nice to see them. My mom says my face has changed since the last time she saw a photo of me in the news a couple of months ago. I can't tell what she means by that, but she was smiling, so I guess it's a good thing.
This is going to sound like a weird thing to say, but I kind of wish you could meet my mother. I think she'd really like you. I told you a little about this the other night, but she's the one who helped me escape from the spotlight for a while when I was younger. It'd be nice if things were that simple now, but being here around her definitely makes me feel a little more like they are.
I enjoyed the beach, too. You're right, the stars were really bright. We could never have seen them like that in Tokyo. I definitely can't see them like that in Hong Kong. As for your summer vacation proposition: first, who says we can't go in the summer? Why don't we? At this point, I don't feel that I have a ton to lose from doing that. And it'd be fun. Second, will you ever relent with the ego-bruising? I can't believe you forgot I was famous. (Kidding, in case you couldn't tell here.)
Don't be nervous about work. You're going to be great at whatever you do. You know this. I know this. And you won't get stuck, either. When you get enough momentum in the journalism field, take off and don't look back. It's actually that simple. If you ever need a push, just let me know.
Thanks again for the email. This was almost as good as talking to you in person... Almost.
Sincerely (this does sound weirdly impersonal to me),
Syaoran
P.S. – I expect to hear how the first day of work went.
Sunday, October 23
Sakura Kinomoto (9:33 PM): I am so sorry I haven't responded to your email yet! I've been busy running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day getting ready for the first day of work tomorrow and I just TOTALLY forgot, but as soon as I get home, I'll answer, I promise!
Syaoran Li (9:40 PM): Sakura. It's totally fine—they're emails. They don't require an instantaneous response, you know? Take care of yourself.
Sakura Kinomoto (9:42 PM): Pfft. YOU take care of YOURself.
Syaoran Li (9:43 PM): I'm not the one who manages to sound out of breath via text. You really are something.
Sakura Kinomoto (9:43 PM): That's it. You don't get a response until tomorrow!
Syaoran Li (9:44 PM): I'm crushed.
Sakura Kinomoto (9:44 PM): I know you are.
Date: October 24, 20XX
To: Syaoran Li
Fr: Sakura Kinomoto
Subject: Continued Ramblings
Dear Syaoran,
So we're going to be pen pals while you're gone, then? This will be fun! Thanks for indulging me.
I'm glad you're enjoying your time with your family. Maybe your mom thinks you've relaxed more and it's affected how you hold your jaw. I've noticed that you clench it a lot, and maybe you have been doing it less lately. If so, I'm glad! All that stress can't be good for you! And neither can all that jaw-clenching.
Thank you—for saying you wish I could meet her. I didn't think that was weird! I thought it was really nice. I would love to meet her. She sounds like a really wonderful and strong person. Maybe one day, if she ever comes to visit you in Japan, I can say hello!
I suppose we could go to the beach together in the summer. I get really excited thinking about the possibility of something like that, to be honest. But I'd imagine that Meiling would murder you if you weren't careful about it, so we'd have to plan it pretty thoroughly, don't you think? Maybe the wigs DO need to come back out, after all.
Today was my first day of work. This is a silly thing to admit, but I re-read your email this morning before I went in so I wouldn't feel so nervous. It did help. And it wasn't bad! I like my boss and my co-workers. For a corporate office, no one seems especially stiff. I heard that the copy girl might have hoped that she could get promoted to my job before I got hired, though, so I caught her giving me the stinkeye several times today. I guess you can't please everybody, but I hope we can resolve our differences and become friends.
I guess you're leaving Hong Kong tomorrow? What a short stay... Was it enough time with your family? Are you excited for New York? What kind of work will you be doing?
Okay, I'll stop asking questions now.
Wait, one more—guess what?
I'm meeting Eriol for the first time ever in a couple of days! I guess he and Tomoyo really hit it off at the ball, and he mentioned to her how he's heard so much about me from you but had never met me before. I'm excited to meet him! He must be quite a charmer. I've never seen Tomoyo so smitten.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'll be sure to let you know how meeting Eriol goes!
Sincerely yours (is this better?),
Sakura
Monday, October 24
Syaoran Li (2:47 PM): At the airport, headed to NY. So tired.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:51 PM): You'll have to snooze on the plane. Have a safe flight! Be sure to send me lots of pictures!
Syaoran Li (2:53 PM): Of what?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:58 PM): I don't know... The Statue of Liberty?
Syaoran Li (3:04 PM): Only tourists go to see the Statue of Liberty.
Sakura Kinomoto (3:04 PM): So? Aren't you kind of a tourist?
Syaoran Li (3:10 PM): I am offended. I am not a tourist.
Sakura Kinomoto (3:12 PM): Well, you're certainly not a native.
Syaoran Li (3:22 PM): That doesn't make me a tourist. Also, I am about to board. I'll let you know when I land.
Sakura Kinomoto (3:23 PM): Fly safe!
Date: November 2, 20XX
To: Sakura Kinomoto
Fr: Syaoran Li
Subject: Re: Continued Ramblings
Dear Sakura,
Sorry for the long delay in getting back to you. My first week in New York has been pretty hectic because I've been getting settled. Hopefully, the pictures I texted you have been tiding you over. I can't believe I actually went to the Statute of Liberty... I don't really understand how you got me to do that. As I suspected, it was chock full of tourists. You can't see me right now, but I'm shuddering as I type.
I'm glad your co-workers have been nice. If you need me to take care of that one girl, just say the word. (Kidding... Kind of.) So what kind of stuff do they have you doing at the office? Are you finding enough time to write on the side?
How'd the meeting with Eriol go? He texted and told me he got to see you. He seemed to like you a lot. Not that he's especially judgmental—I seem to take that role in our friendship more than he does—but he is a great judge of character, and it's high praise for him to say he likes someone so much.
New York has been surprisingly enjoyable. Not that I didn't think I'd like it—I always enjoy New York. It's just that with the timing of everything, I thought I'd resent being here. But something about how busy this place is just keeps me going. Like the current of other people's lives just constantly buzzing me is pushing me along. That said, I regularly think of all the goings-on in Japan. Time hasn't stopped over there, has it?
Matsura does have me seeing a voice coach while I'm here. He said I might as well for the purposes of looking like I'm not here to run away from my problems. Ha. Anyway, he's been working with me to show me some interesting new techniques. Since I wasn't vocally trained when I was a kid, I feel like I always learn a lot by working with those kinds of people. I'll have to show you when I get back. I've also been trying to write new songs, but nothing's been coming to me yet, which is frustrating.
To answer one of your questions—I didn't feel like two days was enough time with my family at all. It's kind of crazy, how much I don't think about how I miss them when I'm apart from them. And then, BAM. I see them for two days and all of a sudden, I just need so much more time with them. Like, my sisters annoy the hell out of me and my mom is way too concerned for me and way too intense all at once... But something about it all just makes me feel so at home, which is a feeling I lack a lot of the time. So I think I'm going to stop by Hong Kong on the way back to Tokyo for a week or so. I've already let Matsura know. Meiling might come, too, since she hasn't seen them in a while as well.
I can't lie. It's been weird going a whole week without seeing your face. I didn't realize how used to that I had gotten. Hope you're doing okay.
Sincerely yours (this isn't better at all),
Syaoran
Thursday, November 3
Sakura Kinomoto (2:30 PM): Syaoran.
Syaoran Li (2:31 PM): Sakura.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:31 PM): You're up?
Syaoran Li (2:32 PM): Yes. Why would you text me if you didn't think I was up?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:33 PM): I don't know! I just felt lonely and thought I'd send a message out into space for you to catch whenever you woke up, I guess. What are you doing up? Isn't it past four in the morning over there?
Syaoran Li (2:33 PM): Couldn't sleep. What's going on on your end of the world?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:34 PM): Today is my day off and I'm awfully bored... I wanted to go to the movies with Tomoyo, but she's out with Eriol.
Syaoran Li (2:34 PM): You should've crashed their party. Or responded to my email.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:35 PM): Well, I did read it and just haven't gotten around to crafting a response just yet. But I'd like to note immediately that I know how to fix your problem.
Syaoran Li (2:36 PM): What problem?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:37 PM): You said you missed my face!
Syaoran Li (2:38 PM): Did not.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:38 PM): Did, too! You said that it was weird not seeing my face for a week.
Syaoran Li (2:39 PM): Not the same thing.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:40 PM): Pffft. Semantics. But anyway, I have a solution!
Syaoran Li (2:44 PM): Shoot.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:49 PM): Videochat! How is it that you've been gone for almost two weeks and we haven't managed to videochat? After all, this is the 21st century. Even if you are a grandpa, we should take advantage of modern technology.
Syaoran Li (2:50 PM): Videochat, huh?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:51 PM): Uh huh.
Syaoran Li (2:53 PM): I only ever do that with my mom. We could give that a shot. You busy right now?
Sakura Kinomoto (2:54 PM): Not at all!
Syaoran Li (2:55 PM): You sound excited.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:56 PM): Get over yourself. You're the one who misses my face and won't admit it. I bet YOU'RE excited.
Sakura Kinomoto (2:56 PM): I think this app has a video component... I'll call you in two seconds.
Thursday, November 3
Syaoran watched his phone light up and vibrate in his hands to indicate that Sakura Kinomoto was attempting to reach him via video chat. He took a breath and then tapped his screen to accept the call. The screen was black for a moment, save for a small square where he could see his own face, which he noted looked entirely too happy. He scrambled to recompose his expression to a more neutral one when Sakura's face appeared on the screen.
"Syaoran!" She, on the other hand, did not bother to contain her own smile, and the grin stretched her lips from ear to ear, touching her eyes and lighting up her face. She looked buoyant.
Ah, fuck it. What's the use in hiding it, anyway? Syaoran let himself smile, too. Seeing Sakura, even just through a screen, after two weeks of going with only sporadic texts and emails, produced a rush of happiness that he had not anticipated.
"Hi, Sakura."
"Oh, my God, it's so good to see you!" she squealed. "I knew I missed you, but I had no idea how much until now."
Syaoran chuckled. He felt that weight begin to lift off his chest the same way it had many times before. "Same here."
"So you admit it, then! You did miss my face."
He laughed again. "Okay. Maybe a little bit."
"Good. That's all I needed to hear. So, how are you?"
"I think I'd be better if I were able to sleep," Syaoran responded, although he noted privately that had he been sleeping, he wouldn't be talking to Sakura now.
"Yeah." The corners of Sakura's lips turned down. "What's got you up like this?"
Syaoran shrugged. "Maybe jet lag, still? I don't know... Do you ever just lie in bed, and your body is tired but your mind is wired? It's like I can't get my brain to shut off, you know?"
"I know what you mean." Sakura's voice was soft. "You're okay, though? Not too many bad thoughts, right?"
Syaoran smiled. "No. Not too many bad thoughts. Thanks for checking up on me."
"Yeah—yeah, of course." Concern still lingered in Sakura's features.
"Well, how are you doing?" Syaoran asked.
"Oh, I'm all right!" Sakura leaned back in her chair and stretched. "Just enjoying a day off. Work's been going okay."
"Is that copy girl still giving you trouble?"
Sakura giggled. "No! Don't be silly. She just threw me a few weird looks the first day, but it's nothing to worry about."
"Hm," Syaoran responded. He wasn't totally convinced. "Well, are you liking the work?"
Sakura shrugged. "It's kind of..." She cocked her head to one side, searching for the right word. "Menial, I guess? Lots of administrative tasks. I don't really utilize any critical thinking skills or anything like that."
"Ah."
"But, I do get to use a lot of organizational skills, and it's always good to practice those!"
Syaoran smiled. "Forever the optimist, aren't you?"
"It's the only way to live, really." Sakura's eyes appeared to twinkle.
"You should teach me how to do that sometime," Syaoran muttered, sighing.
"Well, you aren't a pessimist, necessarily. So you've got half of it down already!"
"That's a pretty optimistic statement itself."
Sakura laughed, and Syaoran watched her through the screen, transfixed—at the bounce of her hair as she moved with her laughter, at the smile that reached her incredibly green eyes, at how his eyes drank her in as if the last two weeks had been twenty years. His one regret about agreeing to this videochat was that he had no idea how he was going to spend the next month and a half not wanting to do this every day now. Now that he had seen her face once, he didn't know that he could go so long without seeing it again.
"Syaoran?"
"Hm?"
"You seemed like you were wandering off there for a minute."
"Nah. Still here."
"Well, good. Oh—Kero wants to say hi!" The dog climbed into Sakura's lap and shoved his nose into the camera for a moment.
Syaoran chuckled. "Give him a pat on the head for me."
"I think I need to go take him for a walk or something soon. He's been cooped up all day." She frowned, eyes looking directly into the camera now. "But I really don't want to get off."
Syaoran pressed his lips together, unsure how to respond. He felt dread at the thought of getting off so soon. He opted for a truthful, "I don't want you to, either."
"Mm..." Sakura seemed to hesitate for a moment, drawing in a breath or two before finally speaking again. "Syaoran, I really miss you."
Her gaze was sweet, soft—if he didn't feel presumptuous thinking it, Syaoran even might have thought her expression looked adoring. He felt a rush of something very pleasant in the pit of his stomach, and he found himself wishing a screen weren't between them so he could reach out and touch her face.
"I miss you, too," Syaoran responded. But it didn't feel like enough. He didn't want to close out on such a lackluster note; he wanted to let Sakura know how happy it had made him to see her. He drew in a breath, sighed, and felt himself smile. He'd opt for the truth. "And Sakura—for all of your joking about me missing your face, I hope you know you were right. I actually didn't know how much I needed to see you until I did. So... Thank you."
Syaoran's smile grew wider as he watched Sakura's eyes go wide. He always loved catching her off guard like that.
"I'll let you go walk Kero now. Take care, okay?"
Clearly dumbfounded, Sakura barely managed to squeak out an "okay, bye" before she ended the call.
Syaoran leaned back in his bed, chuckling to himself for a bit before placing his phone back on his nightstand. As he sat in the darkness, he finally felt like he could drift off at any moment. And just before he did, several thoughts floated to the forefront of his mind—just a few wisps, but ones that he knew would stay with him well after he fell asleep and woke up the next day.
What he had felt in watching Sakura was something all too close to love, flourishing rapidly and almost painfully in its potency. And although it was a relatively new feeling towards her, he couldn't feel all that surprised at its presence. If anything, he had seen it coming from a far distance. And for all the chaos it could bring, he felt like he was ready to welcome it with open arms.
Saturday, November 12
Eriol Hiiragizawa (9:44 PM): Two things. First of all, Meiling misses you very much and won't admit it, but she hints it to me every day, so I figured I'd let you know on her behalf. Second, I've been instructed to ask you what your situation is with Sakura.
Syaoran Li (10:50 PM): Of all the messages to wake up to. Really?
Eriol Hiiragizawa (10:55 PM): I'm very efficient.
Syaoran Li (10:57 PM): That you are.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (10:58 PM): You just woke up?
Syaoran Li (11:00 PM): Yep. Tempted to go right back to sleep.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:01 PM): Isn't it like, one in the afternoon there?
Syaoran Li (11:01 PM): Even Meiling is not as good as you are at breathing down my neck from another continent. Congratulations.
Syaoran Li (11:02 PM): I fell asleep pretty late. It's only been five or six hours.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:03 PM): Ah. Doing what?
Syaoran Li (11:07 PM): I was video chatting with Sakura late. Did Meiling ask you to ask about her some more? She's so damn nosy.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:08 PM): Actually, Tomoyo asked me about it.
Syaoran Li (11:09 PM): Tomoyo? Your girlfriend?
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:09 PM): She's not my girlfriend.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:10 PM): At least, I don't think she is.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:10 PM): It's a little soon. I don't want to jump the gun and assume anything.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:10 PM): ANYWAY. You're the one who's supposed to be on the spot here, right?
Syaoran Li (11:11 PM): ...I'm going to act like you weren't a freak just now.
Syaoran Li (11:11 PM): And people call ME neurotic. Why's she asking?
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:12 PM): She seems to be convinced there's something going on between you two. You know I wouldn't indulge Tomoyo if I didn't think there was something to that theory myself, don't you?
Syaoran Li (11:32 PM): Look. It's a lot to talk about, especially over text message.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:33 PM): We can catch up on the complicated parts later. I'm just curious for myself now, Tomoyo's suspicions aside.
Syaoran Li (11:35 PM): I mean, sure. Something's happening, I think. Whatever this is sure as hell isn't normal.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:36 PM): How am I not surprised? You really land yourself in the most interesting situations.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:37 PM): How deep in are you?
Syaoran Li (11:40 PM): Deep.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:41 PM): Ah.
Syaoran Li (11:42 PM): Don't tell Meiling. I'm trying to figure out how to handle this myself first. And how to tell Sakura. If I even tell her. I don't really know what I'm doing. This is a tricky situation.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:44 PM): I'm assuming this would also mean I should not report to Tomoyo on this.
Syaoran Li (11:45 PM): Yeah. Just tell her your recon mission was unsuccessful.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (11:46 PM): Roger. Your secret is safe with me.
Saturday, November 26
Bleary-eyed and still feeling partially like she was in a dream, Sakura yawned as she reached for her phone on the nightstand. It was 6:00 AM on a Saturday morning, and as he had promised he would, Syaoran Li was calling her. Sakura felt a jolt of adrenaline counteract the sleepiness as she slid her thumb across the screen and waited for Syaoran's face to appear. She wished that she could stop her heart from somersaulting when she saw his lips spread into a slow grin as he saw her through the screen. Sakura smiled back instinctively, and she bit down on her cheeks to keep from looking as pathetically excited as she felt.
"Hey," he said, offering a wave from his end of the screen. "Are you sure this isn't too early for you? You look tired."
Sakura shook her head. "I'm fine. I need to get a lot done today, so thanks for my wake-up call."
"Fair enough. Do you need to finish that freelance piece today?"
Sakura nodded. "I'm almost done—I just need to incorporate tidbits from the last interview I transcribed and then write a conclusion and polish it up."
"Well, let me know how it goes. I'm impressed you've managed to get that done while you've been working so much."
"Yeah, these longer hours have really been sucking the life out of me," Sakura replied, rubbing her eyes. In the last few weeks, a large deal had landed on the table in her office, and her boss's workload had increased dramatically—which, in turn, made her workload increase as well. "But I'm glad I have the weekend to catch up on other work, at least."
Syaoran's brow furrowed. "Weekends are for resting. You're going to work yourself sick."
"Hey, not all of us have the rock-star luxury of waking up at two on the weekends."
Syaoran rolled his eyes. "I don't alwayswake up at two. And besides, you don't have to be a rock star to wake up at two." He paused and rubbed the back of his neck, nose wrinkling. "Also, don't call me a rock star. You know I hate that."
Sakura giggled. "Sorry. But that's what you are."
In the last three weeks, Sakura and Syaoran had developed a routine of videochatting at least two or three times a week, usually in the early morning or late evening. In between, they would text or email, although between Syaoran's vocal training and other album preparations and Sakura's increased work schedule, the time available for talking had decreased somewhat. Even so, she felt that somehow, despite the distance and the sporadic talking times, something about their conversations had become remarkably more intimate. Syaoran asked after small and mundane details about her life every time they spoke, to the point where he was almost as familiar with these details as she was. And no matter what the topic, no matter how ordinary or exciting it was, Sakura felt like their conversations were always imbued with something that made them feel electrifying.
"So, what are you doing for the rest of the night?" Sakura asked. "Not going to bed anytime soon, I suppose?"
"Definitely not. Meiling's flight should be landing in a couple of hours, so I'm going to meet her at the airport."
"Oh, right! I totally forgot. Be sure to tell her I say hello! Are you excited to see her?" Sakura held her phone steady as she rose out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Kero's collar jangled as he hopped off the bed and followed her.
"Yeah. Weirdly enough, I missed her nagging. It's going to be late by the time she gets in, but I suspect she'll want to drag me around the city tomorrow to go shopping and sightseeing."
Sakura laughed as she began to pour water into a teapot. "Don't sound so excited."
Syaoran chuckled. "I know, I should probably perk up. I'd just rather stay home and work is all. I think I finally caught the writing bug."
"Oh, yay!" Sakura squealed. She set the pot on the stove and turned the dial. "That's so great! I know you hadn't been able to get anything down for a while. What brought it on?"
Syaoran was quiet for a moment, looking up as if he were contemplating what to say. "You know," he said, lips curving up, "I think it'd be best if you found out for yourself when I get back."
Sakura tilted her head. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'll play you a demo when we see each other again. I think you'll be able to figure it out from that."
"Not fair! Why are you being so coy?"
Syaoran laughed. "Did you just call me coy? That has to be a first."
"Well, you are!"
Syaoran only continued to laugh, and Sakura allowed herself to smile. Although she missed him, she found herself grateful that he had gone. It seemed to have done him a great deal of good, as he seemed to laugh and smile and joke far more frequently than he had when he was in Tokyo. She could practically measure how much lower his shoulders rested from the lack of tension in them. Occasionally, she still caught that troubled fire in his eyes, but it was always brief, and at the very least, he never allowed it to affect the tone of his conversations with her. She hoped he would stay this happy when he came back.
"All right, Sakura. I think I need to go and get a little work done before I pick up Meiling."
"So soon?" Sakura frowned.
"I know," Syaoran muttered. "You can thank Matsura—he's really been hounding me to have new music to add to the album when I get back. But first, could you do me a favor?"
"What's that?"
"Go back to bed—just for an hour. Seriously. You need to get rest when you can."
Sakura pursed her lips. "I have a lot to do..."
"I know. But you're going to wear yourself out," Syaoran said mildly. "An hour won't hurt you."
Sakura bit at her lower lip as she watched him through the screen. His eyes were gentle, lips still hinting at a bit of a smile. He looked very kind in this moment, she thought.
"Okay," she conceded. She reached over and turned off the stove. "Just an hour."
Syaoran grinned. "Thanks, Sakura. Sleep well."
Sunday, December 4
When Sakura's face appeared on Syaoran's screen, the smile that he usually had to fight off immediately warped into a pronounced frown. Although it was eight in the morning in Tokyo—well past Sakura's usual waking hour these days—she lay back against her pillows with the blinds apparently shut and the lights off, for the only source of light illuminating her face was that of her cell phone screen. It contrasted sharply with the darkness of her room, casting odd shadows on her face and making her look pallid and sickly. But even beyond the poor lighting, Syaoran could see that Sakura wore dark circles under her eyes, her lids drooped as though she were struggling to keep them open, and her nose was tinged red at the tip.
"Hey," she rasped. She attempted to smile, but it only made her look more pitiful.
"Hey. What's wrong?" Syaoran felt his brows knit together instinctively.
"Um..." Sakura sighed. "I'm sick, I think. You were right about me working too much, I guess."
"You think?" Syaoran groaned. "You sound awful. You look awful."
Sakura croaked out a laugh. "You really know how to flatter a girl."
Syaoran rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. Jesus, Sakura, did you take your temperature? Is there anyone over there to help you?"
"No. This is very recent. I just woke up feeling this way. I don't really understand... I felt fine going to bed, maybe just a little more tired than usual."
"And your temperature?" he pressed.
"39.5 degrees," Sakura replied, and it sounded more like an admission of defeat than anything else.
"Holy hell," Syaoran muttered. That was alarmingly high. Really, he thought, she should get to a hospital, but without a car, she wasn't in any state to attempt to go by herself. In that moment, he absolutely hated how far away he was. "Fuck, Sakura, you're really sick. You need someone over there. Meiling isn't getting back to Tokyo until tomorrow, but I could send her over as soon as she gets back—"
"No, no, don't be silly. I'll call Tomoyo soon. It's just so early in the morning, I don't want to wake her."
"Damn it, Sakura, I told you to take care of yourself these next couple of weeks!" Syaoran ran a hand through his hair, wishing stupidly that he could hop on a plane to head back to Tokyo right now. "You can't just ignore getting rest and eating well when you're busy!"
Sakura's face fell a bit at Syaoran's agitation. "I know. But the deal is supposed to close at the end of next week, and I really just thought if I held out till then, everything would be okay... And now I think I'll need to miss work." Sakura's brow furrowed in horror at the realization before she placed her head in her hands. She let out a long, shaky sigh, muffled by her hands. "Shit."
Pinpricks of shame flooded Syaoran's stomach. The last thing he had wanted to do was upset Sakura. He immediately regretted raising his voice. "Hey. Look at me."
Sakura lowered her hand, meeting Syaoran's eyes through the screen.
"You need to not think or worry about work, okay?" Syaoran urged, his voice softer now. "It's not going to help you any. Call your office tomorrow morning and let them know you're very sick, and that there's no way you can make it in. And then don't think about it for the rest of the day. Promise me."
Sakura pressed her lips together. The dilemma was clear enough: it would almost feel like abandonment to call in sick at such a crucial time of work. Still, she nodded. "I promise."
"Good. Now, what have you done besides take your temperature?"
"I just took a couple of painkillers and drank some water."
"Do you have any cold medicine?"
Sakura nodded.
"Okay. You should eat something—a piece of toast or something weak that will go down and stay down—and then take a dose. Text Tomoyo and let her know you're sick and need some help for the day. And then sleep as long as your body lets you."
"Okay, I will." She paused to smile. "Thanks."
"No problem," Syaoran responded. He paused, hesitating, before he let out a sigh. "Look... I'm sorry about being harsh earlier. I'm not mad or anything—that would be ridiculous. I'm just worried. You're really sick, Sakura... I hate that I'm not over there," he admitted.
Sakura's smile faded, and Syaoran briefly wondered if he shouldn't have said anything at all. Knowing her, his admission might only have made her feel worse. "You know that's not your fault," she said.
"Yeah, but if I—" Syaoran stopped himself. He was getting close again, saying too much before he knew he was ready. He'd been doing entirely too much of that these last few times they had chatted. "You should get some rest. Take your medicine and call me when you wake up?"
Sakura frowned. "What if it's late over there?"
"So what? Call me. I mean it."
Sakura locked eyes with him for another long moment, quiet. She tilted her head, and Syaoran wondered what was going through her mind in that instant.
Finally, Sakura nodded. "Okay. I will."
"Good," Syaoran said softly. "Feel better, Sakura."
Friday, December 16
"So, I'm a little self-conscious doing this. I haven't got nearly as much experience with the piano as I do the guitar." Syaoran placed his phone upright gingerly against a stack of books on a table nearby. He backed away to ensure the electronic piano was appropriately displayed in the camera's scope.
"You? Self-conscious?"
He grinned. "You sound doubtful."
"I am! You are the opposite of self-conscious, Syaoran Li."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I mean... You're a little cocky." Syaoran could hear the smile in Sakura's voice as he turned on the piano.
At that, Syaoran threw his head back and roared with laughter. "I'm cocky? I think this distance is making you brave, Sakura. You wait till I get back, and we'll see what kinds of things you say to my face."
"What?" Sakura laughed, and Syaoran felt an inordinate sense of pride at having made her laugh after what had sounded, by her account, like an incredibly rough day at work. "Are you saying I'm being a coward?"
"Hey, if you're calling me cocky, coward is fair game, don't you think?"
Sakura narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, pretending to be irritated. "I don't agree at all."
"Well," Syaoran said, sitting down at the bench, "let's see if this smoothens any hard feelings, then."
He took a breath, and willing himself not to look at her, he began to play out the melody he had envisioned in his head over the last month and composed over the last few weeks—something softer and slower than his usual fare, akin to "Today" but sweeter and airier. No words accompanied the melody.
Syaoran had slaved over perfecting this piece over the whole of the month, diverting far more time to it than he should have, given that he was fairly certain it would not go on his album. But it was something in which he could take pride, because it had been hard for him. He had spent multiple nights at the piano, playing, writing, trashing, and rewriting. He had not thrown out so many old versions, made so many revisions, to anything he had written or composed in an extremely long time. But yesterday, he played out the final piece, and for once, the finished product made him smile. So naturally, he wanted Sakura to like it, too, and he felt a thin sheen of sweat coating the palm of his hands as he finished playing.
He looked over and shrugged his shoulders. "That was it."
Sakura was smiling radiantly. "Syaoran," she breathed. "That was beautiful."
He grinned. "You liked it?"
"I had no idea you could play piano that well. And you created that!"
Syaoran laughed. "I'm glad you liked it. Did it help with the bad day?"
Sakura nodded vigorously. "All blues have been forgotten."
"Good."
"Could I—could I get a copy of that one, too, when you come back?" Sakura asked, shy now.
Syaoran raised his brows. "You liked it that much?"
She nodded. "It's just nice to have them on hand. I still listen to 'Today' really often, you know."
Syaoran was absurdly flattered. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. And then, he was stunned by the realization that he couldn't recall anyone whose opinion of his music had mattered more to him.
"Syaoran? What are you smiling about?"
"Oh—what?" Syaoran shook his head. He hadn't realized what kind of expression he'd been wearing. He noted that he was still smiling even now. "Nothing—just glad you liked the song."
"Play it for me again?"
Syaoran set the phone back down on the table. "Of course."
Friday, December 23
Sakura saw her phone light up and vibrate through blurred vision, and she wondered if she should answer. Typically, in moments like these, she felt almost ashamed and would have preferred to be alone; but her world felt so incredibly empty at that moment, and the thought of a familiar face in a time like this, even if it was across the ocean, was irresistible. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve before she slid her thumb across the screen.
"Hey." Her voice came out low and husky as Sakura strained to keep it from cracking. Immediately, she felt stupid for answering.
"Sakura?" Syaoran's brows rose in concern. "Hey, what's the matter?"
At the show of sympathy, Sakura's face crumpled, and she felt fresh tears roll down her eyes as she covered her face with her hands. Deep gasps punctuated the silence, and she was mortified that Syaoran was seeing her this way. She had no idea what she was thinking when she had picked up the phone.
Syaoran's voice was tender. "Sakura—whatever it is, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to—but please let me know what I can do to make it better."
Sakura shook her head, drawing in two long, hiccupping breaths before she managed to get out words. "It—it's n-nothing. Really just st-stupid."
"I'm sure it's not stupid."
"I j-just—I—" Sakura paused, stopping herself because she felt like she sounded like a lunatic. She couldn't get out half of a sentence without hiccupping through it.
"Why don't you take a couple of breaths?" Syaoran said.
Sakura nodded, and after a few breaths and a long, shaky sigh of an exhale, she managed to let out a watery laugh. "Sorry about that."
"It's okay," he responded, voice low and gentle. His expression—brows raised up, eyes wide, lips parted ever so slightly—was so sincerely concerned that it made her almost wish she had a more serious, less silly problem to report to him. "Do you want to tell me about what's going on?"
Sakura nodded. "I just miss my family, and it's almost Christmas, and I don't think I can go home because work is so busy," she let out, tears welling up again. She looked up as she wiped a few away.
"It's stupid to cry about it, but I guess I was just feeling lonely tonight, and I called Touya, and he said he missed me. He never says stuff like that. It really just broke my heart," Sakura finished, voice cracking a little.
"That's not stupid at all," he insisted, shaking his head. "I miss my family all the time."
"Yeah, but you live so far from them, and you never get to see them, and you don't cry about it."
Syaoran shrugged. "How do you know I don't cry about it?"
Sakura raised a brow, dubious, but she found herself exhaling a laugh or two. "You cry about missing your family randomly and unexpectedly?"
"Okay, maybe not. But just because I don't cry about it doesn't mean you're not allowed to."
Sakura shrugged, wiping her eyes with the back of a wrist.
"Are you sure that's all you're upset about?"
"I guess. I'm just stressed and tired, and I'm not going to get to celebrate the holiday with anyone. Everyone's apart, and Tomoyo is going to be in Paris for work. I guess it's just going to be lonely." She let out a shaky sigh and looked at Syaoran through the screen, feeling petulant. She was sure she looked it, too. "I hate feeling this way."
Syaoran pursed his lips. "Well, I won't be back in Tokyo in time for Christmas. But how about this? When I get back, we can spend a day and treat it like it's Christmas."
Sakura's stomach flipped. "R-really? You won't be busy with the album preparation?"
Syaoran shrugged. "I can take a day. After sending me away for two months, Matsura owes me one." He paused. "I've actually never really been one to celebrate Christmas or make a special day of it, since I spent time apart from my family so often from a young age. But whatever you normally do on that day, we can do it."
To her surprise, Sakura felt the onset of tears again, and hurriedly, she wiped at her eyes.
"Are you crying again?" Syaoran looked horrified.
"Oh, no, no, you don't need to worry! I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me right now—I'm just really... I'm just thankful, I guess," Sakura said, laughing thickly. She shook her head and sniffled. "But these are happy tears, I promise."
"If you say so." He sighed. "You feeling better now?"
"Yes, very much so. Syaoran..."
"Hm."
"You really are so good to me. Too good," Sakura added softly.
And what am I going to do when it all unravels? Or if it never moves from this?
Syaoran scoffed. He glanced down, and then straight back into the camera. His eyes were suddenly very soft, burning amber and so full of earnest kindness. "Honestly, Sakura..." He smiled, seemingly more to himself than to her. "I don't know if anyone could ever be good enough for you, let alone too good."
Sakura felt the air leave her lungs entirely as she took in the words. Breathless, she tilted her head. "Wh-what?"
Did I hear that right? Did that mean what I think it did?
"Nothing." Syaoran quickly looked away from the camera, brow suddenly furrowed. "Forget I said anything."
And just as quickly as her heart had started racing, Sakura felt as if it had skidded to a halt and dropped into her stomach.
"Oh—okay," she said, trying not to sound or look as disappointed as she felt.
"No, Sakura, I—" Syaoran scrambled, sounding distressed. "Please don't be upset. I just—there's a lot I want to tell you. But I just want to wait till I can see you in person. Is that okay?"
Sakura stared at him, bewildered and trying to tamp down the hope that kept rising inside of her. She really wasn't built for these kinds of highs and lows, she thought. Somewhere in the middle would have been nice.
"When I get back next week. Let's grab dinner?" Syaoran pressed. Sakura noted that the intensity in his eyes had grown.
Speechless, she nodded. And she knew then that trying not to hope was futile. She wanted what she wanted, and denying it wasn't going to change that. She wanted Syaoran Li to love her back.
"Okay. Dinner next week."
Thursday, December 29
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:32 AM): Are you at the airport now?
Syaoran Li (12:34 AM): Yep. Just waiting for the plane to board. Shouldn't be long now.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:35 AM): Okay. I'm dropping Meiling off at the airport on Sunday morning. She should get to your mother's house that afternoon.
Syaoran Li (12:36 AM): You are? Not Wei?
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:37 AM): Eh. I didn't want to interrupt his vacation.
Syaoran Li (12:40 AM): That's considerate of you.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:42 AM): What can I say? It's the holiday season.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:42 AM): Any big plans for when you come back?
Syaoran Li (12:45 AM): Not really. Matsura wants me back in the studio to wrap the album up and add a few new tracks. I told Sakura I'd grab dinner with her as soon as I got back.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:46 AM): Ah. Is it that time?
Syaoran Li (12:47 AM): I mean, I guess. I don't know what's worse, letting her know and potentially ruining things between us and essentially ruining all notion of privacy for her, or keeping it a secret forever. But somehow, it doesn't seem fair to keep the truth from her.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:48 AM): Yeah. That's tough. I honestly don't know what I'd do in that position.
Syaoran Li (12:50 AM): Yep. But I'll figure it out. Plane's boarding. I'll talk to you later.
Eriol Hiiragizawa (12:51 AM): Right. Have a good trip.
Saturday, December 31
Sakura tugged on her boots and slid a puffy coat over her shoulders before gathering Kero's collar in one hand to urge him out the door of her apartment. It was blisteringly cold outside today, and the dog appeared to want to go out even less than Sakura did; but she knew he needed the air, even if said air itself seemed frozen by the well-below-freezing temperature. She opted for the elevator today, as it was much warmer than the frigid stairwell, and absentmindedly reached down to scratch Kero's head as she waited for the doors to slide open when the car reached the first floor.
Upon stepping out of her apartment building, she did not immediately notice anything wrong. But milliseconds after the first flash blinded her, after the first incoherent shout, it all came in a rush. Hundreds of flashes and a roar of questions and accusations numbed her senses entirely.
In a single dizzying and terrifying moment, Sakura realized several things all in rapid succession. First, she was standing before a semicircle of paparazzi. Second, Syaoran—or anyone famous, for that matter—was nowhere to be found. And third, that almost certainly meant that she, Sakura Kinomoto, for some reason she did not want to know, was the sudden subject of an intense media frenzy.
That's a wrap for chapter 22! I know this cliffhanger is a bit of a doozy, but I don't think the next chapter will take nearly as long to publish as this one did. My apologies for having been gone for a while. I've been working on this chapter for some time, but between time constraints and this different formatting, I struggled quite a bit. I hope the format of emails/texts/video calls wasn't too jarring! I tried to do something a little different that would depict the distance between the two and also challenge me to do more showing and less telling (something I struggle with quite a bit in my writing).
Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last time. You all gave me such a lovely response after I was gone for so long, and it honestly felt like I had never left. That outpouring of love really meant the world to me. I hope this chapter delivers on what you've been waiting for, and as I have much of the next chapter planned and written out, I won't keep you waiting too much longer!
Love you all—thank you for keeping me going!
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