RIOTS! By Charlotte

Mass riots and protests have broken out across Teyvat, following the Steambird's controversial Person of the Year choice. The individual selected is so unpopular, reviled, criminal, and cringe-inducing that seeing their image on the magazine cover sparked the citizens' outrage.

Mondstadt knights joined the citizens in carrying every magazine copy to a bonfire. Klee blew up every last copy, saying, "I don't like this stupid choice. It's ****ing stupid."

The shock of seeing the innocent Klee curse broke countless hearts and affected Teyvat. As Klee is the wholesome linchpin that holds Teyvat's wholesomeness together, much like a cosmic grounding rod, her cursing distorted all the world. Scientists have noticed that Teyvat's wholesomeness levels have dropped to critically low levels. Tepetlisaurs can no longer do their cute little belly-sway dance, Fontaine otters are dying out, Melusines have transformed into photo-realistic monstrosities, and Noelle has become Yae Miko.

In Liyue, every copy of the offending magazine was thrown deep into the Chasm and sealed away via Adeptal Arts. The Shogunate and Divine Priestess of Watatsumi put aside their differences to destroy every issue in the world.

Sumeru citizens started a bonfire to burn every issue and reenact a famous scene from Lord of the Flies. Collei could be heard screaming, "Those ****ers did not pick that ****ing **** to be the ****ing **** of the ****ing year! ****, ****, ****, ****!" as she poured oil over the magazines. In Natlan, Kachina could be heard saying, "That ****?! That's who they ****ing picked?!" as she tore apart magazines. The shock of Collei and Kachina cursing led to a wave of depression across Teyvat. Whole families are now curling up in the corner with tubs of ice cream.

Meanwhile, Fontaine citizens are picketing outside the Steambird in protest. The protests have not gotten violent yet, but they are quite intense. Joining the protestors are Monsieur Neuvillette, Chevreuse, and the staff of the Steambird. They demand nothing less than a total reprinting of the issue with a different individual on the cover. As Neuvillette explains, "I try to be impartial in most matters, but this selection is an absolute travesty."

Charlotte entered the boss' office and found him hiding behind his desk. Outside, the crowds roared, shaking the building with their sheer rage. The protest was as strong as ever. Her balding old boss whimpered pathetically. Folding her arms across her chest, she gave him a flat expression.

"I told you it was a bad idea," she said. "But no, you just had to override the staff, the people, and the panelists to put that moron on the cover. What were you thinking?"

"We were offered good money to pick that moron!" he cried. "We could all be trillionaires! And just think! When that moron buys out every news journal in Teyvat, we'll be favored because we did them this favor."

"You traded journalistic integrity for Mora. That moron never belonged on the cover, and we all know it."

"B-but… the Mora…Anyway, I don't see the problem. We've had controversial figures on the cover before: Grand Sage Azar, Vautrin, and…"

"Boss, nobody should pay their way to Person of the Year. Now, let's return the Mora and print the retraction."

"I'll have to resign, won't I?"

"Yup."

Person of the Year Retraction

Under extreme pressure, the Steambird changed its Person of the Year to the individual previously voted on by the panel: Tubby the Adeptus. This Adeptus stopped the Second Archon War three times, formed the transnational government known as the United Harem of Aether, and currently acts as their president. Few other figures have proven so effective and successful at governing in the history of Teyvat. As the UHA's first president, she established strong precedents of leadership, diplomacy, and keeping Yae Miko in check. Additionally, she saved the multiverse by intervening between the clash of cosmic destroyers Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds and Duo the Duolingo Owl. No other person has had quite the influence this humble little Adeptus has had this year.

Following this retraction, peace returned to Teyvat. All riots have ceased, and Klee no longer curses. Teyvat's wholesomeness levels have stabilized. Tepetlisaurs can do their cute belly sway dance again, Fontaine's otters are rapidly repopulating, the Melusines are back to their adorable selves, and Noelle is Noelle again.

In other news, the Steambird's Chief Editor has retired after it was revealed that the previous Person of the Year paid their way to the cover. He printed an apology.

"The person I chose was so unpopular, reviled, criminal, and cringe-inducing. I'm sorry I chose her. The Person of the Year should never be Ella Musk."

Ella Musk, the supposed genius with a vastly overinflated reputation, has only responded with posts about her special Elden Ring builds, which have no practical use, and her new quote-unquote comedy show.