Chapter 33: Preparations Continue

"There you go," I praised as Bluestreak got his Shard to release the energy he compiled into it. "You got it. Now we just have to direct that energy and increase the amount of output."

"Alright," Bluestreak said, looking a little stressed.

I placed a hand on his shoulder. "You can do this," I assured him. "You have had a lot less difficulty than I did with mastering this. Directing the energy from the Shard is not vastly different from directing the direction of your EM field in general, just with an extra step."

"How do you do it?" Bluestreak asked, looking at me. "I noticed that Sunstreaker does it slightly differently than Ultra Magnus does."

My wings shifted slightly.

"I just…I don't know if how I do it will be like Sunstreaker or Ultra Magnus or you or Bumblebee or completely different from everyone else," Bluestreak said.

"That's a fair concern," I said, bowing my helm.

I glanced around us at the others who were practicing. Ultra Magnus was working on helping Ironhide and Chromia hone their control over the direction of their energy out of the Shard. Drift was aiding Bumblebee—who did seem to have a slightly different method from the non-Praxians. Sunstreaker was helping his brother with his Shard. And Solarcharge was working with Megatron on the energy input phase while Optimus watched closely—I was surprised to see Megatron struggling to get the Shard to accept his energy.

I looked back at Bluestreak. "I suspect, your method will be similar to Bumblebee's," I told him softly. "I believe it will benefit you to join him and Drift for a bit to see how 'Bee has progressed and then return to me."

Bluestreak nodded his helm in understanding, optics wide in awe for reasons I wasn't following.

I watched him get up and go for a moment before gusting air through my systems. Then I got up myself and made myself move over to where Megatron was training with Solarcharge.

"Your energy is too stressed and angry for your Shard," I told Megatron softly as I sat down across from him cross-legged.

"You're high-jacking my student," Solarcharge complained.

Megatron just raised an optic ridge, looking intrigued.

"Where's Bluestreak?" Solarcharge asked.

"I sent him to Drift and Bumblebee," I replied smoothly. "He's at a step he needs some input from 'Bee. I believe he will benefit from knowing how a fellow Praxian is approaching it. I feel Megatron might benefit from someone who dealt with stress and anger interfering with this task."

"And what makes you think it is stress and anger that is preventing me from accomplishing this?" Megatron asked.

"You are an angry person," I replied. "Who expects to get backstabbed constantly by your own faction and you are currently surrounded by those of the opposing faction, truce we may be in. You want to put on airs and claim you are not stressed, fine, but you cannot fool me and I'd be willing to bet Optimus could confirm." I glanced slightly at the Prime, as did Megatron.

Optimus nodded just slightly, placing a hand lightly over his chest.

"And you expect me to change that?" Megatron asked.

"I mean, it would do you a world of good," I said honestly, raising an optic ridge. "But we do not have the time for you to make such a change. Not unless I time portal shenanigan you more." I shifted my wings slightly. "And I may, if it becomes necessary, bu-"

"Now, don't be hasty-" Solarcharge interrupted.

"I wasn't finished," I snapped and the mechs fell silent. My wings flicked and my face betrayed my frustration as I made an angry owl noise. Then I gusted air through my system and relaxed my body language.

"Please do not interrupt me, Solarcharge." I said a lot softer. "I understand you have your concerns, but I can listen to them when I'm not mid-word."

Solarcharge bowed his helm slightly when I glanced back at him. "My apologies."

After waiting a pause to see if he was going to say anything else, I turned back to Megatron. "I was going to say I don't think that will be necessary yet," I said quietly. "The main thing here is keeping those emotions out of your EM field."

"And you know how to that, do you?" Megatron asked.

My wings shifted slightly and I tilted my helm. I took my Shard out and then demonstrated my ability to input energy into it and then directing it out of while simultaneously letting some of my stress in some of my EM field I didn't put into the Shard and brushed it up against Megatron's.

Megatron raised both optic ridges. "I see," he said as I put my Shard away again. "You've come a long way since last week."

"Time shenanigans are handy," I said simply, wings making a small pleased motion. "But, as I said, I do not think they will be necessary for you. You are steps ahead of where I started already. You just need to separate your emotions from your EM field before you try to input it into your Shard and you should make progress just fine from there."

"Interesting," Megatron said. "And how does one do that, pray tell?"

I glanced at Optimus, who was looking a little curious himself. Then I looked back at Megatron. "It's not unlike blocking emotions off from a spark bond," I said.

Megatron tilted his helm.

"You…had some of those at some point, yes?" I asked, raising an optic ridge. "With family as a child at least?"

"I was an orphan," Megatron replied. "I barely remember my parents. And my guardian was a very… unfeeling mech."

I made a face. "I am sorry about that," I said, thinking that explained his lack of proper emotional regulation. "Emotionally unavailable caretakers can be rough. I had a number of those growing up in teachers and in a parent who kinda tried but didn't know how."

"Hmph," Megatron looked amused. "You're an intriguing one. Last week you couldn't stand being in the same room as me and now you are sitting here emphasizing with me."

My wings shifted slightly as I considered how best to respond. What he said was true, after all, and everyone present within audial range knew it. Denying it was superfluous, served nothing and would only be a detriment to my own mental health. I had known there were things I could find to emphasize with the mech on for a long time—it had taken a while to come to any kind of terms, however fragile those terms were, with it when I had first realized it. This was a new thing, but it was not unfamiliar territory to emphasize with the mech and it didn't change my stance.

"I merely recognize, and hope you can as well, that there is a level of understanding," I said simply. "This understanding is why I believe I can help you with your Shard. We are coming at it from similar places of stress. I was struggling because I was stressed due to the time limit we have and due to feelings of mistrust of you and of a new bot entering into my life I did not know if I could trust. It is hard to focus on mastering the Shard when one is constantly waiting for a bomb to blow up."

Megatron chuckled at that. "Interesting," he said, optics glancing at me for a moment before flicking toward Solarcharge where he had wandered away to help a group at the opposite side of the area we were using—outside of audial range.

"So then," he said, looking back to me. "How does one block emotion from one's EM field?"

I sighed slightly, seeing that I had to find actual words to fully explain the action. I looked to Optimus for help and he approached, sitting down with us and creating a triangle. Between the two of us we were able to explain the process in a couple different ways before it clicked for Megatron and he was able to figure it out.

"Huzzah," I said once he successfully got his Shard to accept the energy of his EM field, motioning at it. "Now you just have to add releasing it in a directionally controlled way and with the needed amount of power."

"And to do that in less than a month's time," Solarcharge said heavily as he reapproached.

I resisted the urge to say something snarky about how we may have sorted out this struggle sooner if he had not procrastinated training Megatron and, thus, would not push our timeline so close.

"It'll work out one way or another," I said. Even if I gotta shenanigan some more time.

I shared a knowing look with Optimus. We had already discussed the potential of needing to use my portals to get more time for Megatron, or anyone else. I didn't feel ok taking anyone else to the Circle after promising Dai Atlas not to reveal them and I certainly would never take Megatron there. We limited our training sessions now to one location so if we needed more time we'd have locations to portal to at the same time. It would be risky and complicated, but it would be doable if everyone cooperated.

Hopefully it wouldn't come to that, however.

Bluestreak came over then, having gotten some pointers from Bumblebee, and I returned my focus to him as Solarcharge and Optimus took over Megatron again. I kept just a little bit of my attention on them, however, just in case I would need to intervene again—though I hoped I wouldn't.

"How're you feeling, doc?" Breakdown asked as Knock Out sat on the edge of the med berth, rubbing his wrists.

"Sore, but otherwise alright," Knock Out said, tone one of mild irritation. "How are things out there?"

Breakdown shrugged. "Some of the others are getting antsy about this truce that's going on, but they're too afraid of Megatron's wrath to break it." He said. "Airachnid is starting to try to stir up some troops for a coup."

"Tch," Knock Out scoffed. "And that will probably lead to what Psychic warned us about."

Breakdown nodded, bowing his helm.

"Are you wanting to wait around and find out?" Knock Out asked, looking at his mate cautiously.

"Not particularly," Breakdown admittedly slowly, rubbing his arm. "I think it is too dangerous with Megatron spending time at the Autobot base, however."

Knock Out nodded in agreement. "We should make our move while they're moving against Unicron," he said.

The medbay door opened then and none other than Airachnid sauntered into the room. "What's this I hear?" she asked. "About making a move while a move is being made on Unicron?"

"W-we were just talking about- about," Breakdown looked at Knock Out for help.

"About your plan, my dear!" Knock Out lied smoothly. "Breakdown told me you're planning a coup de ta! And I believe it would work best to commandeer the vessel while Megatron is deep within the bowels of the planet, far away from any hope of stopping us!"

Breakdown nodded his agreement most enthusiastically.

"Ah, I see," Airachnid said, looking thoughtful. "That does make sense." Her legs shifted slightly behind her. "I can count on you two, then? To have my back?"

"Back, front, whatever you need!" Knock Out said, waving a hand and hiding his nerves behind a veneer of glee. "Megatron won't know what hit him!"

"Perfect," Airachnid said, smirking. "Let's talk details."

She moved closer and pulled them into a huddle as Knock Out looked nervously toward the camera in medbay. Silently he hoped Soundwave had not caught onto his tampering yet, or maybe he hoped the mech had just noticed and would come rescue him from this uncomfortable predicament.

Lunarstrike flew through the atmosphere toward space, sensors on alert for anyone following her.

.:Are you sure about this, Lunar'?:. Starscream's voice came through her comms on their most encrypted channel—the only one Soundwave has yet to detect as far as they knew.

.:Yes, it's the only time I will be granted leave:. She replied. .:I will be back, you know I will.:.

.:Alright…be careful.:.

Starscream signed off then. Even using it that much had been a risk, they knew. That's why they didn't say anything about what she was doing. She knew where she was going would be logged by the Space Bridge, but she knew how to get around that. She'd been doing it for years.

Ever since that day her and her trine had been forced apart for daring to question Megatron.

Her engine made an angry rev that was swallowed up by the vacuum of space as she approached the Space Bridge. Thinking about what led to her separation from her trine always got her angry all over again. As soon as she found them, she was going to take them somewhere safe and live in peace away from the war.

Lunarstrike transformed and hovered by the control panel. She input her destination into the controls for the aiming mechanism and as the Bridge repositioned itself the screen popped up with an inquiry.

~Reason for departure?~

Lunarstrike rolled her optics a little bit at the inquiry programmed into it by Soundwave. She typed in a bullscrap reason about running an errand for Starscream to pick up something he left behind on a previous assignment.

~Item, important?~

She responded that you could say that, but it was more personally important, hence why it had waited until now, during a time of truce. After waiting for a couple minutes, watching the computer think, she got a confirmation her reasons had been accepted.

"Yes!" She celebrated quietly. Then she looked around to make certain she was still alone, wings shifted to detect energies around her as the Space Bridge powered up. "Ok." No one had followed her.

The Bridge activated and she transformed and went through it without hesitation.

"What's wrong, Shade?" Ratchet asked gently when I found him later and leaned heavily into his hug.

I gusted air heavily through my systems. "Just found more ways I can emphasize with Megatron of all bots and I am processing it," I told him honestly.

Ratchet stiffened slightly, frame ceasing movement. "Erm," he said, clearly trying to find some words that were comforting.

"He was struggling with his Shard cause it was rejecting his EM field when it contained his stress and anger," I explained. "Like I struggled with initially, since I was still feeling stressed out when I first got to that part."

"Huh-uh," Ratchet said dubiously, rubbing my arm slightly as I shifted in his hug to get more comfortable.

"So I moved to help and while talking I learned his caretaker growing up was an emotionally unavailable mech," I said. "And I can relate to that. The emotionally unavailable caretaker bit."

"I see," Ratchet said.

"I mean, I already knew there were things I could relate to at least some versions of Megatron on," I said. "And processed that and come to terms and accepted that. Relating is not the same as agreeing with someone. The difference between him and I are the choices and the way we respond to our traumas. Understanding him doesn't change who I am. But I still have to process this new thing we have in common."

"I see," Ratchet said, sounding uncertain how to respond.

I paused, hesitating at his tone. Then I shifted and moved away a bit, but not enough to where he'd be forced to remove his hands from me and they stayed touching my arms lightly.

"Are…you bothered by this?" I asked Ratchet, vulnerability in my tone as I realized I had never even talked to my human fiancée about this.

And now multiple bots, including the one I loved, knew. My wings shifted uncertainly as I second guessed being open with Ratchet about it.

Ratchet flinched a little bit. "Not very," he said in a hesitant tone that wasn't very convincing. "Only in that it makes me worry about you. And how it might make you vulnerable."

"If you are worried Megatron might use this common ground to manipulate me, don't be," I said softly, reaching up to stroke his cheek with the back of my fingers. "Would it help you if I went through everything with you from when I realized I could relate to versions of Megatron before and my process of coming to terms with it?"

"Hmm," Ratchet hummed thoughtfully, looking troubled. "Maybe."

I hesitated, but then decided the information I would end up sharing was of another reality and also would ultimately be qualified as long past. It shouldn't hurt to share it in more detail. And the stuff that would pertain to this reality would probably fall into the realm of pure past and also edge on how Optimus also was once friends with Megatron.

"Come on, then," I said, tugging him to follow me toward the medic lounge. "It's lunch time, anyways, and no one is in need of care. I'd rather sit for this conversation, it will be long."

"Alright," Ratchet said, looking like he was expecting something awful.

I felt dread in my spark in the way he was responding so far. It was like I had told him I was converting to a Decepticon and he had shut down in anticipation. He only wasn't lashing out, because he had some hope he was reading me wrong. That's what it felt like his reaction was saying, anyways. I knew I could be wrong, though.

Ignoring the pain and dread in my spark, I led Ratchet to the lounge and got us energon cubes down. As he sat down at the table—not the couch, which meant he felt it was a serious conversation rather than an intimate one—I mixed some minerals in the cubes for flavoring. Then I took them to the table and passed him one.

"I'm not as good at mixing as you, so I hope this is good," I said hopefully, tone still vulnerable.

"I'm sure it's fine," Ratchet said, giving me a strained smile, still looking uncertain. He clearly was expecting something horrid from this conversation. He took a sip without comment.

I sighed heavily and then downed half my cube without even tasting my efforts to make it tasty. Just so I would know I had something for lunch in case this went sideways. Then I sat my cube on the table, pulled a chair out from the table and spun it around to sit in it backwards while facing Ratchet with my arms resting on the back. I hoped this would communicate to Ratchet that it was not as bad as he seemed to be expecting.

Ratchet raised an optic ridge at me as he held his cube in both hands, thumbs resting on the top edges of it.

I watched him for a long moment, seeing if he would relax at all before I got started explaining. He watched me in return, optics cautious and guarded. After a moment, I realized he wouldn't relax until I got him to fully realize I was not at risk for changing sides just because I understood Megatron on some level.

I sighed and, with conscious effort, reached up and removed my visor from my optics so he could read the emotions and sincerity therein. I didn't look at Ratchet while doing so and only after setting my visor next to my half drank cube did I turn my optics to meet his.

Ratchet's optics softened a bit at seeing the vulnerability in my own and he moved one hand from his cube to reach out and rest it on one of mine where it lay on the back of my chair.

"I'm listening," he said softly, tone reassuring.

I smiled at him, feeling myself relax a little. I hadn't realized I had needed to hear him say it, but clearly I had. "Thank you," I said quietly. Then I gusted air through my systems.

"The first time I realized it was sometime after reading the books I've told you about," I told Ratchet. "It didn't bother me so much then. It was much in the same way Optimus had back when he was Orion Pax, and since that was shown in the books, I was reassured. I had agreed the caste system was garbage and I understood why he was preparing to go to war over it. I thought that I might have been his ally in his early, pre-war days, when he was just talking and arguing, before the Council meeting. I might have even been prepared to fight a war over it. But then there was Optimus and a peaceful solution was there and he didn't take it and I didn't once think that I would follow Megatron into war then. Especially knowing how he would stray from the ideals he had originally spouted."

"So when did it start to bother you?" Ratchet asked, looking concerned and a little bit confused.

"The most recent movie back in my old reality," I replied. "From before I got ripped from it, anyways." I sighed heavily, looking down. I was silent for a long few minutes.

I heard Ratchet set his cube down and then his fingers touched my cheek, prompting me to look back up at his concerned optics. I felt tears in my optics as I thought about it and realized that there were parts of me that were still bothered by how much I emphasized with that version of Megatron. Because I emphasized with that one a lot.

"Shade'..." Ratchet said softly, caressing my cheek. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I will not judge you. I love you with all of my spark." He placed his other hand over his spark. "I know you are not like Megatron. I am just worried that you think you are. And that these thoughts could lead to places you do not want to go."

My wings shook a little bit and twitched a little before flicking. "Maybe a little," I said quietly. "I thought I had dealt with it and fully processed, but I never really talked to anyone about it and the time I would've processed the most and probably talked I was also exhausted so I couldn't fully do so and ended up sleeping instead. And it was not long after that, that Vector took me from my home. And I didn't feel like I could talk about it with anyone here for a long time, because, well..." I motioned a little helplessly.

"Aw Shade'," Ratchet said, sounding sad for me. He ran his thumb over my cheek. "I understand why you did, but you shouldn't try to deal with such upsetting things on your own."

"I know," I said quietly, leaning into his touch.

The door opened then and Optimus walked in as we separated. I looked at him as he met my optics. I looked away slightly as I could tell he knew I was upset.

"My apologies for interrupting," Optimus said, moving over to us and setting a book of Cybertronian material on the table. "I merely came to drop this off for Ratchet."

"You are alright, Optimus," Ratchet said. He paused and looked at me where I had my attention halfway on the floor and halfway on the mechs, then back to the Prime. "Perhaps you can be of assistance as well."

My wings shifted downward a bit. I didn't want Optimus also thinking that I might turn out like Megatron. I looked completely at the ground now, tightening my grip on the chair.

"With what can I be of assistance?" Optimus asked gently and I heard him pull out a chair and sit down to join us.

"Convincing Shadebreaker she is not like Megatron," Ratchet replied.

"I believe we started this conversation to convince you that you didn't need to worry about Megatron using the similarities I recognized between him and I to manipulate me," I said, trying to jest about it, but my spark wasn't in it and my tone was just emotional instead of dry like I'd intended.

"Yeah, well, that was before you said you felt like you were like him a little bit," Ratchet said softly.

"But I am," I replied. "At least a little bit. Can I at least explain where this thought comes from? Then we can break it down for me to fully process and come to terms with? I already have some of the work done. Clearly I needed to talk to someone outside my own helm, I get that, but you are coming from a place of not knowing why I think this yet. Both of you only know a little bit."

"Alright," Ratchet said. "Explain then."

I sighed and then filled Optimus in up to what I had told Ratchet already about the book part. Once he was caught up, I launched into an explanation about the movie. A detailed explanation about the movie.

"And I found myself agreeing with Megatron because I knew exactly how he felt because I have felt like that," I said after explaining the ending. "I would've wanted to kill the guy, too. The anger he felt was the same anger I felt when my ex best friend of thirteen years refused to stop lying to me, the same anger I felt over a number of other wrongs done to myself and others I care about. The sense of betrayal and abandonment was so achingly familiar." I paused, lowering my helm.

"Only," I said quietly, not looking at either mech. "I would've listened to Orion—Optimus about it. And, even had I killed Sentinel, I would have stopped there. And I know that makes me different from Megatron, but that line is thinner than I had previously believed it to be. And…that scares me a little bit to know that about myself. I mean, I knew there was a point in my life where I teetered on the edge of walking a path not unlike his, but I had believed it to be so far in the past and to realize that it wasn't as in the past as thought kinda hit me and now there is more, with a different Megatron, one that I live in the same reality as…it's a lot to process. I would never let it change who I am or make me betray you bots or allow it to let Megatron a way into my head, but…"

I sighed and trailed off then, lowering my helm a little further. My wings were also held low and the feathers on my helm drooped as pain and confusion swirled in my spark. The mechs were quiet for a long moment, each considering everything I had just told them and I waited as they considered what judgment they would come to. I was terrified that actually hearing this all was going to make Ratchet change his mind about me.

"I do not think the line between yourself and Megatron is as thin as you think it is," Optimus said after what felt like an eternity.

My wings shifted and I felt confusion as I looked up at the Prime in confusion. He was looking at me with gentle and understanding optics.

"You care about what happens to everyone around you, even those you have never spoken to before," Optimus reminded me. "Do you remember how distraught you were after your first mission?"

"I was nearly inconsolable," I said, feeling a little lost why he was bringing this up. I felt no shame or embarrassment, however, as this was not new to either of these mechs and nothing to feel such about.

"Megatron wouldn't have cared one byte about those lives," Ratchet said gruffly, waving a hand. "And he certainly wouldn't have taken a missile to the face for humans as you did that day."

I looked a bit sheepish at that reminder.

"You also go out of your way to help whenever you can," Ratchet pointed out. "Something he would never do. As well as the kindness and compassion you show everyone you meet, including those like Drift—an ex-Con, when you had every right to avoid him—and Sunstreaker—someone who literally beat you up. Not to mention the grace you gave me."

My wings shifted as I took this all in.

"Just because you can find some similarities and you can emphasize with the mech, it does not mean you are like him, Shadebreaker," Optimus said, reaching out and placing a hand on my shoulder. "It is your empathy, in fact, that makes you stand out from him. Megatron does not entertain such feelings of empathy for his own mechs, much less for his enemies."

"I see where you are coming from," I said, feeling peace enter my spark for the first time since entering into the training room today. "Thank you, Optimus, Ratchet." I looked between them. "I appreciate your thoughts."

"Another way you are different," Ratchet said gruffly. "Megatron doesn't appreciate anything."

I chuckled sheepishly at that.

"Now, do you understand you are not like Megatron? Or do we need to list off more ways you are different from that monster?" Ratchet asked, giving me a stern look.

I ducked my helm slightly. "I think I got it now," I said softly. "I'm sure I might need some time to get everything fully sorted in my processor, but I got it. Genuinely, thank you."

"Anytime, Shade'," Ratchet said gently as Optimus tightened his hand on my shoulder a bit.

"You are welcome," Optimus said. "Do not hesitate to come to me if you need a reminder."

"Understood," I said quietly, smiling a bit at the Prime, understanding he didn't want one of his bots wandering around believing themselves to be a second coming of Megatron and being all mopey. Or actually becoming so in a self fulfilling prophecy.

"Now, how about we finish our lunch?" Ratchet suggested meaningfully.

"Ahhh," I said, shifting back in my chair, holding the back with both hands. "Well, if I must, I suppose." I looked at Optimus. "Have you had any lunch yet, mech?"

"I am taking lunch with Elita on her break in five minutes," he replied easily, not reacting to my words.

"Well then skedaddle before you are late," I waved him on with both my hands. "I'm all good now so you don't need to worry over me. Scoot."

Optimus chuckled and got to his pedes. "If you are like anyone, it is Jazz," he said. "Only he and you are the most comfortable bots treating me as if I am just a bot and not a Prime besides Ratchet and Elita. And you are the only two who ever call me 'mech'."

"Yeah, well, I figured you'd appreciate someone treating you more as a friend and a normal bot from time to time back when Jazz wasn't here to do it," I said softly. "And it just stuck. You are my friend, after all." My wings shifted. "I do respect you as Prime, though, I hope you know that."

"Of course I do," Optimus said, giving me a gentle look at the look of vulnerability in my optics. "And I do appreciate your comfortability with me. As well as your loyalty and dedication."

I smiled up at him, feeling some tears in my optics. "Alright, now seriously," I waved him with one hand and wiped my optics with the other. "Scoot along. You got an Elita to meet up with."

Optimus bowed his helm. "I will see you two later," he said.

Then he left, leaving Ratchet and I alone in silence for a couple minutes before it was broken.

"I ought to beam you for scaring me like that," Ratchet grouched, giving me a sideways look.

I flinched slightly as I turned to face the table, adjusting my chair as I did so, and took my cube in both hands and looked at it. "Or you could just…not?" I said, voice small.

Ratchet sighed. "Of course I won't," he said reassuringly, reaching over and rubbing my back as he turned to the table as well, his position putting him next to me at the table. "I was only being gruff because you genuinely had me worried."

I crinched a little and my frame shuddered. "I'm sorry I had you so worried, Ratchet," I said quietly. "I was scared, too, you know. It's scary to feel like one could be compared to someone you feel is a terrible person. And I was afraid after you heard…that you would change your mind about me."

"Aw Shade…" Ratchet said, rubbing my back gently. "Of course not. We know you better than that."

I let out a shaky breath. "You didn't when I first came, though," I said quietly. "Remember, that movie is something I watched before. I've been carrying this comparison ever since, not having fully sorted through it. I never had the chance to talk it out with my fiancée. It's been a fear in the back of my mind since the very first day I arrived. That if you guys found out…you would turn me away or lock me up or…any number of things."

"I can see why you would worry about that early on," Ratchet admitted as he watched me spin my cube inbetween my hands. "But why didn't you talk to anyone about it after you had time to get know us and vice versa?"

"Because I was scared it wouldn't matter," I replied a little more forcefully than intended. I paused a moment, closing my optics as I worked to calm myself back down.

"All my life it has felt like it didn't matter what I did or didn't do." I continued to explain in a calmer manner. "People were always only going to see me one way. And nine times out of ten, they were always looking for an excuse to see me negatively and cut me out of their lives. I've been abandoned and left on my own more times than I can count. Sometimes by people claiming to love me as family. Who had known me much longer than any of you, even longer than you and Drift after our time shenanigans. I was afraid I would've been willfully opening that door and then getting kicked through it."

"Do you really believe that?" Ratchet asked softly.

"I dunno," I shrugged. "But it definitely felt like it more often than not. I never knew what it was like to be truly loved by anyone besides my sister until my fiancée. He and his family are the only group of people who ever made me feel seen without turning away from me eventually. And then I lost them."

I lifted my cube and looked inside it and then set it back down. "I was afraid these comparisons to your literal worst enemy would make me lose you bots, too," I said, a tear running down my cheek. "At first it was just about not wanting to be locked up. I couldn't do much of the next right thing from a cell. Then I started making friends and bonds. Now…I'm scared of ever losing you bots like I have lost everyone else."

Ratchet rubbed my back and sent comforting waves across our bond. "You're not gonna lose us over this, Shade'," he reassured me, passing me a cloth with his other hand. "Optimus and I won't even tell anyone and you can be certain no one else will tell what they overheard in the training session."

"Megatron might share," I said. "And Primus knows if Mirage gets wind of me sharing anything in common with Megatron he will use it against me. Especially after I got him in trouble with Magnus."

"Mirage can eat a tailpipe," Ratchet growled slightly. "And that bit isn't too horrible anyways. Lots of bots have had emotionally unavailable caretakers without turning out like Megatron. Pit, I'm fairly sure Mirage's parents were emotionally unavailable."

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me at that. "I suppose I could see that." I took a sip of my energon. "He will probably use me emphasizing with him against me, though."

Ratchet huffed. "He would have to use the same thing against Optimus if he did," he said.

"I doubt he'll see that logic," I said drily. "Racist people rarely see logic in their hypocrisy."

"Hmm," Ratchet made a conceding motion. "He gives you any problems you tell on him right away, you hear?"

"I hear," I said.

We clanked our cubes together and then each took a long gulp of energon.

"You feeling better?" Ratchet asked.

"I'm eating, ain't I?" I asked a bit sarcastically.

Ratchet gave me a light shove.

I grinned just slightly at his annoyance. "I am feeling a lot better," I assured him more seriously. "Tired and drained, but better."

"Good," Ratchet said, downing the rest of his cube and set the empty vessel aside. "How about we turn our talk to something more happy, then?" He pulled the book Optimus had brought over to him.

"What's that?" I asked with curious optics. I finished my own energon and set the cube aside.

"A scrapbook compiling bonding ceremonies Optimus has presided over or otherwise been apart of since the war began," Ratchet replied. "I borrowed it so we could peruse it and decide whether or not we want a ceremony and, if so, how we might want to go about it."

"Oohhh," I said, optics sparkling. If this wasn't a 'I still want you, don't worry' then I didn't know what was. I scooted a little closer as he opened the book to the first page. "Let's see then."

Lunarstrike wrapped her cloak further around herself as she walked down the streets of the planet she was on. Technically it was a Decepticon ran planet, but there was a strong rebel presence and she didn't want to draw attention from either the rebels or her own faction today.

"Hey! Get back here!" A mech called out from behind her. "Thief!"

A small body ran through the lose part of her cloak from behind and she heard laughter as a small bot emerged from beneath carrying a box. The small bot spun and stuck their glossa out at someone behind her before turning and running away.

"Glitching younglings," the voice said, but no mech passed Lunarstrike in pursuit. "Ah whatever. Not worth my time."

Lunarstrike watched the apparent youngling weave through the crowd of bystanders. Clearly no one could be bothered to care about helping the old mech out and she wasn't altogether surprised. That was the way it often was on Decepticon controlled worlds. And if anyone did stop a thief, it was a Decepticon patrol that went overboard on punishment—the youngling was lucky no patrols were present.

Lunarstrike pulled her cloak tighter as she realized these thoughts were dangerous. She wasn't supposed to think that way about the Decepticon way. Those actions were necessary to keep order. If they didn't punish crimes severely the perpetrators would go on to commit crimes against their superiors and get bolder and bolder. They had to be squashed.

But did they really?

Especially if the perpetrator was a youngling?

She hurried a little faster through the streets. She needed to get to her destination.

She hurried a little too fast in her distraction and ran face first into what felt like a wall. She faltered, stumbling backwards and holding her helm as she let lose a couple expletives. This was why she preferred flying over cities.

"You ought to watch where you're going," a deep voice said as the wall turned to look at her.

"Maybe you ought not stand still in the middle of a busy walkway," Lunarstrike shot back angrily.

Then she looked up at him and froze, wings lowering in fear. The mech was huge. And hulking. He was more than twice her height and just as wide as he was tall. His yellow optics looked down at her from over a jutting out jaw. There was a spiked collar around his neck.

For a long and terrifying moment, Lunarstrike thought he was going to murder her.

Then he started laughing. A deep and guttural laugh that spoke of true amusement.

"Wha-?" Lunarstrike stepped back, standing taller. In her confusion, she didn't even think to flee. "What's so funny?"

"You!" The mech said and then one massive hand came down to clasp her soundly on the shoulder, knocking her forward yet causing no damage. "You're funny! I like you!"

Lunarstrike huffed, staring at the ridiculous mech in bafflement.

"What's your name, stranger?" The mech asked.

Lunarstrike stared at him for a long moment. "Nobody," she replied.

The mech looked down at her with a raised optic ridge for a longer moment than she had stared at him. Then he chuckled gently. "I understand," he said quietly. "Well, Nobody," he put a hand on his chest, "I am Somebody. Nice to meet you." He reached out a hand toward her.

Lunarstrike raised an optic ridge, but after a moment she placed her hand in his and shook it. "Huh-uh," she said dubiously. Her hand literally disappeared in his, along with half her arm.

"What brings you to Bankgore?" Somebody asked.

"I'm looking for a couple bots, femmes," Lunarstrike replied. "Seekers."

"Hmm," Somebody hummed. "Well, if you're looking for someone, I know who you can ask, but it'll cost ya."

"Cost me what?" Lunarstrike asked cautiously.

"It depends," Somebody replied, placing his hands on his hips. "Only he can tell you what. If you're willing to trust me to get you to him."

Lunarstrike gazed up at the mech suspiciously. He was a strange one and she didn't trust anyone, least of all someone who wouldn't even tell her his name. Granted, she had done that trick to him first. Fair was fair.

"Alright," she said reluctantly. "Take me to him."

The mech smiled at that and then turned, waving her on. "This way now."

Lunarstrike followed him and wondered what kind of mess she was about to walk into.

"I hope you don't genuinely plan to galavant off with Megatron if he fails to master his Shard," Solarcharge said drily as we walked along the beach next to each other later that day—Drift walking behind us.

"Not alone," I replied. "And what choice do we have? I thought we needed everyone." I shot him a meaningful sideways look. "And I don't see you volunteering."

Solarcharge thinned his lips, but said nothing. His wings flicked slightly.

"I wouldn't do so alone," I told him reassuringly. "Optimus and I have already discussed a plan in the event anyone else needs extra time. I doubt anyone else is gonna need a whole ten years like I did." Besides, some of that time had been dedicated to training other things as well. But he didn't need to know that right now.

Solarcharge sighed. "Very well," he said. "I just don't trust him alone with you."

"Yet you argued to bring him on base," I pointed out. "Didn't think that through, did you?" There was some humor in my tone.

"Perhaps not fully," Solarcharge said. "Time draws near and I cannot help but push everything together as much as possible."

"Hmm, I can understand that," I said, genuinely understanding the stress. "But we will get through this. Same as we get through everything. One way or another."

"I suppose," Solarcharge said. "In the meantime, perhaps you would like to hear some stories about mother."

"That sounds like a pleasant way to spend an evening," I said, smiling a bit.

Solarcharge smiled a bit and then started talking at length about her. I needed only to listen and make indications I was hearing him. It was actually kinda nice. Even if there was still the underlying feeling that the only thing keeping him in check was Drift's presence.