Chapter 37
Loving You is a Losing Game pt.2
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)
Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.
Note: I am not guaranteeing not messing up medical conditions or terms or any of that sort. My medical knowledge extends to what I've seen on TV and I don't have time to fact check everything. I'm doing what I can to avoid facts that can be wrong by being somewhat vague, but in as medical based show as Grey's it's hard.
'I'm afraid of all I am, My mind feels like a foreign land
Silence ringing inside my head,, please carry me carry me carry me home
I've spent all of the love I saved, we were always a losing game...
All I know, all I know, loving you is a losing game ' Duncan Laurence- Arcade
1.
(Liam, 12 years ago)
We walk through the pediatric unit, carrying a plastic box with two dozen soft chocolate chip and walnut and white chocolate chip cookies. It's Star's effort of making them look homemade, because she can't bake for the life of her. They are considerably in the top 5 cookies I've tried in the city, and I always manage to get one or two when she's not looking so I'm happy.) Similarly, I carry a huge thermos with hot chocolate in one hand, and another with hot tea for those not partial to hot chocolate (are they crazy?). We leave cookies and plastic cups with hot chocolate to some of the kids we already know- those with chronic illness like cancer keepng them here for weeks. We fill them in on all the school gossip to distract them and move over to the new people, satisfied to have made their day at least a bit better. A lot of them are actually way younger- 5-6, 8 years old, so it's not like we're exactly closest friends, but nevertheless, knowing you made life easier for someone this sick, it's a pretty good feeling.
We move through the other units. We don't always have what to do there, but there is a new kid we saw several times.
His mom has been in the hospital for at least 3 weeks and he's been basically living in the hospital. Despite Mer's attempts, he hasn't yet spoken to us, although we haven't seen him do much else and he regularly has dark shadows under his eyes. I know she feels for him, but I'm honestly a little annoyed at him at this point. And at her- why would you keep trying to talk to someone who clearly doesn't like you? The boy seems about our age, 11 or 12. He has brown messy curls and green eyes, which seem more dull with the time spend here, and freckles. He looks stupid and also really not interested in us.
Mer doesn't seem swayed the least. Today, for a third day in a row, she stops in front of him.
'Hi.'
He raises his eyes, lifeless and disinterested, refusing to indulge her. It makes me half angry and half relieved- not sure why. Uncaring, she sits next to him, as I watch in disbelief. I haven't seen her try to much before. Does she have no pride?
'Do you want a cookie?' she says, unshaken. She hands him a walnut and white chocolate one- her favorite. He hesitates, and then takes the cookie, nibbles on it without looking at her, or me. I'm about to urge her to go, because that is about as much of a response as she's gotten this week and if he keeps acting like this, I'll get the urge to hit him or something. Like really, not even a thank you? I know for a fact how those cookies taste. He stares in front of him and then mutters quietly.
'I'm not sure she'll make it through the week.'
Mer gets a look of sympathy that I instantly hate.
'We're watching a scary movie later when our parents go into surgery.' She mentions and I glare. She's always nice to all the kids, we even have board game nights in the hospital quite often... but she's never offered to include anyone in our tradition to sneaking R-rated VHS tapes while our parents are distracted. Most kids that have been around for a long time have not really been our age, either, but I still don't like this. She didn't even stop to ASK me...I try to calm down. She probably didn't think I'd mind. I am still not sure why I do.
The boy nods quietly without looking at her and she extends her arm at him, smiling warmly.
'Meredith. Come on. I'll come get you when we're ready. That ok-'
He eyes her uncertainly, before taking her hand in his, and shaking it a bit too long.
'Ben.' He offers in a voice definitely deeper than mine. 'That's great.'
She grins in satisfaction and gets up. Just before she leaves he catches her hand, and looks her straight up with his green eyes. His mouth stretches in a crooked smile. 'I- thank you.'
Their eyes lock and she stays like that for a few seconds too long, her cheek getting a tiny shade of baby pink I don't think I've seen on her. Something burning and uncomfortable stirs in my chest and I just keep staring at them. I forget I never even intoduced myself like an idiot. I just stare, and I feel like I lost a battle I wasn't aware I was leading.
2.
(Meredith, NOW)
Meredith got out of the second surgery of the day after the one she had with Ben, feeling rattled. They hadn't lost this patient, thankfully, but there were few minutes- or longer- when they were really, really close. She felt rattled, underslept and worn out from everything. She had some time to get lunch, but instead she found herself heading for her favorite bakery, the routine she hadn't used in years still stuck under her skin like glue. It wasn't a bad thing, was it? She tried to convince herself. She'd avoided it early on, because it reminded her of THEM, but really, now that they were working in the same hospital, what was she avoiding it for? Besides, it would be for a good cause.
And just like that, the habit kicked in like it never left. Quick visit to the supermarket, and she was eqiped with a brand new thermos she asked the bakery to fill with hot chocolate. Then she got cookies. And before she knew it, it became her new favorite distraction every couple of days. Everything about it which make her feel unsettled wasn't there.
Once she'd kicked the cobwebs of her memory and regained the routine, even now as an adult- it was easy. Easier than she expected, like wearing your favorite worn out clothes you enjoy more than anything shiny and new.
Felt like her.
She was sitting at the bed of one of the teens in the lasts stages of cancer, and she chatted with her lightly about boys and catching up on the girls schoolwork. She promised to bring her art supplies she was missing since she'd been in the hospital. That felt good. She'd almost forgotten that before it was THEIR tradition, it had been her idea. Her own. That made her feel light and ok for a bit. It was her 5 or 6th time doing this again.
And then there was a chill on her back, like someone was watching her, before Sasha- the teen- lifted her eyes looking behind her. Mer turned to look at the door, but she knew she didn't need to. She had this kind of 6th sense for where Derek was, often enough. And sadly, she always had this feeling with Liam. She said a short goodbye to Sasha, praying it didn't show on her face. Her heart was speeding.
'Great minds.' He said, smiling at her with the plastic box with cookies in his hands, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.
She passed by Liam to get through the door, ignoring the electricity as her body brushed past his for half a second.
'We're nothing alike.' She muttered quietly as she passed, too tired to even be as afraid as she probably should have been. Ever since hearing Joye was coming too, even knowing it was few weeks away, she'd been laying next to Derek each night, trying to be quiet. Looking at the ceiling, her thoughts spinning like crazy. She usually managed to sleep about an hour flat each night. Two if she was lucky. The math of it was simple- less sleep, less nightmares. Her body didn't care though, and her concentration definitely suffered. Strangely absent for about a week, Liam nevertheless never left her awareness for a second. Until now. She'd been too damn tired.
3.
(Meredith)
'What did you just say to me?'
He said louder behind her, and only now she realised the hallway was mostly deserted right now. She turned around, drained of being constantly afraid.
'Why did you have to ruin even this? WHY? This is my tradition.'
'It was our tradition if I remember correctly...'
He said with deceptively soft tone, getting closer, too fast. Meredith shot him an exhausted look, like they were just a heartbroken couple. Or like they had been friends. In a way that didn't resemble her usual broken and whimpering self she'd become after that night. She was talking like she talked to an equal, to an ex-friend. Because he had been, in another lifetime and she was tired.
'STOP, just stop, why, why would you think it was okay to ever come back?'
He stopped, dumbfounded and blinking away the rage, like she'd just slapped him. Like he couldn't believe what she said. She NEVER talked like this, or she hadn't in a long time. For a second he looked hurt and confused. For a second he looked like he might walk away, and she felt a smidge of braveness awaken.
Then the second past.
Suddenly he had her with her back at a wall, his arms resting on the wall and encircling her face. He breathed heavily, counting his words.
'You KNOW why.' He sounded hurt, heartbroken. She was no longer fooled, caught in between his arms, the edge of her eyes scanning for an escape. She was too tired for those games.
'I'm never going to be yours. You have the upper hand, Liam, but I'll never be yours however you break me.'
He looked at her red, angry, accusing and hurt.
'It was you and me, before Ben and Joye and Maya and everyone else. You and me, Star.'
Her chest contracted painfully, but she pushed the memory away. That boy that had been one of her best friends, was dead a long time ago. She didn't recognise the man he'd grown to be, who thought taking what he wanted by force if necessary was okay. She swallowed at the unexpected pain. She'd never managed to grieve losing all her friends in one swoop. She'd been too busy surviving and being afraid constantly.
'Star is dead Liam. There is nothing you can take from me that you haven't already taken.'
She looked up at him, defiant. He looked at her like she hit him again, and his hands dropped down for a moment. She was under no delusion that this was over, but she used the moment and slipped out of his grip. She walked fast down the hallway, praising any God she didn't believe in, when nurses and other patients started passing by. She counted steps away from him. The further the better. She breathed heavily, unable to believe how she spoke to him, like it was some weird dream. It felt...GOOD. Almost.
.