We meet Chanes

He could only guess how long they sat there. Brian's last words were like a suction that literally sucked every word out of his lungs and left him silent with his lips pressed together convulsively. Her, not him, he corrected himself in his thoughts. At least that was how Lucas understood it, even though he had to admit that it confused him... in a whole new way. He came from a region in Texas that, compared to New York City... could easily be described as rural. Maya hadn't missed an opportunity to tease him about it since they first met. Of course, Texas wasn't the bottom of the civilized world as many people liked to believe. They had the Internet and cities like Austin, Houston and Dallas had over a million inhabitants, of course he wasn't fresh from the prairie. Even though he admittedly felt a bit like that when his family first moved here. The size and diversity of New York City, one of the largest and busiest metropolises in the world, had overwhelmed and also frightened the teenager from a small town in East Texas. Especially the way people interacted with each other, the many...facets of human existence that were lived out here without any inhibitions on the open street, especially during big festivals like Pride Month, Christopher Street Day or all the History Months...that was different from anything he had ever known before or seen with his own eyes. He didn't understand much of it, right away, or he found it...abstract, to put it that way. But over time he got to know these many different cultures and lifestyles better and the more he tried to get involved with them, the more he understood these worlds. Even if they had never been as close to him as they were now, and this sudden proximity, the sudden appearance of such a...representative of these worlds in his own little cosmos...astonished him. He didn't want to be hostile towards it, he didn't hate anyone because of who they were or believed or felt. Especially not if that someone had been a friend of his for a long time. He... was just unsure how best to... help his friend deal with it. His girlfriend, as he reprimanded himself in his thoughts.

"Since... when have you known that?" He finally dared to revive their conversation.

"Somehow always and yet... I didn't want to admit it most of the time. But for some time now... it's been different. I... lived with it for so long, I thought I could just carry on like that. At least until... until I graduated. But... in truth... I couldn't take it anymore. I... I don't want to... pretend to be someone else anymore. E... something else. I mean... do you know what it's like to wear a costume? On Halloween, for example?" Bianca asked him, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Yes," he said shortly.

"Even one that is a few sizes too big or too small for you? That itches and pinches? All the time? One that someone chose for you without asking you if you like it?"

"My mother always used to dress me up as a lamb. The others made fun of it until I had my growth spurt." He confessed to her.

"Then why did you wear it?"

"Because my mother liked it and I wanted to make her happy."

"Can you imagine wearing this costume not just for one evening but for a whole year? Two years? Three? Four? At night while sleeping? While swimming? While playing? Until it starts to stink? And you can't stand it anymore? That's how…that's how it feels to me. Always…always. This," said Bianca, pointing to her stretched chest with her palms, "is my costume. It was chosen for me and…and it worked for a while. At least I think so. But…I can't wear it anymore. Not…anymore." Lucas saw that she was about to burst into tears. Before that happened, he forgot all his own insecurities and pulled him, er, her, to him to hug Bianca. He felt the fabric of his left shoulder soak up with tears. She sobbed and clung to him as if she were drowning and Lucas was the only thing near her that resembled a life buoy that kept her from drowning. Who knows, in a certain sense, maybe that was exactly what he was at that moment. Because what were friends if not anchors that kept you from being swept away in a storm?

"Hey, it's…it's okay. It's okay." Was the only thing he dared to say in this situation. A simple "everything will be fine" seemed hypocritical to him and an "I know how you feel" would have been nothing more than a mean lie "I'm here for you, buddy." But that was set in stone.

"Thank you." Bianca whimpered into his shirt. "Does...does anyone else know? Your parents, I mean?"

"My mother…I talked to her. My dad, he…it's complicated. But no one else. And…and I want it to stay that way." Bianca said immediately and jumped up, her brown eyes wide with fear, watered by tears. She clung to the fabric of his shirt and stared at him, completely perplexed.

"Sure, I understand."

"I mean it. No one can find out about this. No one! Not even Riley or Maya. Clear? Promise me!" Bianca demanded of him.

"Promise." Lucas said and nodded his head heavily.

He hated having secrets from his friends, secrets had led to one of the most awkward situations of his life so far, but he also understood what motivated people to keep things secret from their loved ones. You didn't want the way they looked at you to change what they looked at you as. That's why Lucas had never talked to his new friends from New York about the things that had caused his parents to leave Texas in the first place. Here in New York he had always been Lucas the do-gooder. The moral compass. In Texas, however... he had been something else. Something he would prefer to leave behind. Forever. He had also never told anyone the real reason why he had stayed in New York for the holidays. Not only did his father's illness eat up almost all the free time he and his mother had left, no, the medical bills for the treatment were also increasingly burning a hole in their financial resources. That was not something anyone wanted everyone to know about. At least that much he understood about Bianca's situation.

"I won't tell anyone."

"Good." She groaned and let go of him with a slight sigh of relief.

"And... and what's next for you?" Talking about these topics was difficult, he knew that for sure. There were thousands of ways to even insult someone. And no matter how hard you tried not to hurt anyone, there were always those who seemed like they wanted to be insulted. So that they in turn had the right to attack others. Sometimes it was like walking on eggshells. Even if you didn't want to do anything wrong, no matter how hard you tried, you always somehow did something wrong.

"I...my therapy will continue for the next few weeks. At least I hope so. I still have to...talk to my father about it. He...it's difficult."

"In what way?"

"He...he raised a son for sixteen years...now suddenly having a daughter..." Bianca's last words were lost in a bitter sob.

"Do you need help? I won't tell anyone if you don't want to, but...I think people like Mr. Matthews or Coach Fanuchi could...try to help you. After all, that's their job." Lucas offered, but she firmly refused. The football team's PE teacher didn't seem like the kind of teacher you'd trust to teach health classes, but contrary to first impressions, he was extremely competent and cared deeply about his students. All of them.

"No, it's OK, it's...it's my thing."

"So, are you going to stick with it? You're...leaving the team?"

"Yes. I...I'm still going to take PE classes. At least...for now. I'll keep taking my medication and...see how it goes." She confessed shyly, looking down at her feet.

"And what kind?"

"As a trans woman, as a male-to-female transsexual, I get an estrogen supplement. And an anti-androgen. That's a hormone that suppresses the male sex hormones in the body. As a result, trans women like...like me experience breast growth, decreased body hair, changed or even more feminine facial features, and a decrease in the size of their testicles and prostate. That's how...at least the doctor explained it to me. So...my parents will talk to the principal soon. I probably won't be taking part in physical education classes anymore by fall at the latest. Until then..."

"I won't tell anyone." Lucas repeated his promise.

"Thanks." Lucas helped her pack her gym bag so she could leave before the rest of the team arrived. For the rest of the day he tried to keep a calm face, nothing that could tell anyone that today was different than usual. But sometimes life is just against you. The first time things got tricky was when the coach told the team that Brian had been injured in the summer and would therefore not be taking part in the game this year. Zay and two of the others asked him whether Lucas had already known about it, which he could truthfully confirm.

"Must have been a bad accident. He looked so different from last year. Hopefully he'll be fine." Said his best friend.

"Yeah, me too." Lucas said.

"I didn't want to win like that." He said, slightly dejected, as he got changed.

"Hey, he's fine. Just concentrate on your catching technique. From now on, everything on the field depends on you." Lucas reminded her new running bak.

"I was wondering if he was okay." Billy admitted.

"What do you mean?" asked Andrew, the older of the Diego twins.

"My friend Misty and her parents go to the same church as Brian and his family. She says his parents have been spending a lot of time with the pastor lately, without Brian. She said he wasn't well."

"Do you know exactly what happened?" asked Jack, the younger of the Diego twins, who was the muscular image of his big brother, apart from a faded scar on his chin. Lucas secretly hoped that this conversation would end soon. Simply declaring it over himself would have raised even more questions and curiosity.

"No, just that he was traveling with his parents in the north over the summer."

"Well, there's nothing that can be done about it now. The best thing would be if we gave it our all again this year in his honor, guys." Lucas said as he slammed his locker shut and called the others to the square.

That was the first time when it was tight. The second, much worse time happened in the afternoon. It was nothing special. Actually just the usual rush in the hallways that started right on time when the bell rang when hundreds of hormone-ridden students tried to push their way through the narrow corridors of the school at the same time in an attempt to get to their next class on time. It was a bit like Mario Kart, Lucas thought, but without the fun. Sometimes one person would stumble over the other in the commotion and be knocked to the ground. It was probably due to mental absence due to stress that Bianca wasn't paying attention as she walked down the hallway. She had been part of the football team before, but she was the part that mainly ran away from the opposing players and tried to avoid collisions. Brian was more of a runner than a striker and was built accordingly. Bianca had also lost a lot of weight in the summer, which she tried to cover up with loose clothing. When she collided with one of the hockey team, it was like throwing a pebble against a boulder. Gravity did the rest.

"Oh hey, sorry, Brian, are you okay?" It wasn't intentional and certainly not malicious, just an oversight. He thought he remembered the number forty-three Michael and immediately tried to help her up again. The only fatal thing was that Bianca's backpack was half open. Wide enough for one half of a pack of pills to stick out. And that was in the middle of the hallway, where a dozen pairs of eyes immediately registered what had happened and noted it in their memory. A boy who had just left the team and was carrying pills around with him? No one would forget that so quickly and it would inspire all sorts of speculation and fantasies until tomorrow.

"What is…?"

"Hey Brian, is everything okay?" She didn't answer any of them, but grabbed the bag and pushed her way through the growing crowd of curious onlookers in the hallway with her head bowed.

"Brian, wait!" He tried to run after her, but whether it was Brian or Bianca, his running back was much faster than him.

"Lucas, is everything okay?" He loved his friends, he really did, more than anything, but sometimes…they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like now. He couldn't say exactly how much Riley and Maya had noticed of the whole situation. But it was enough to fill their eyes with worry.

"What…is he okay?" Maya asked, nodding after Bianca.

"Yes, everything's fine." He was a terrible liar, another reason why he hated having to keep secrets.

"You're a terrible liar, Ranger Rick. So, what do you know?"

"Nothing at all." He insisted.

"Lucas, you can tell us everything. If he has problems, then…"

"I'm sorry guys, but…I can't tell you." A promise was a promise. There was nothing that could be done about it. What was left of the first day of school, he and the others spent mainly in a tense distance from each other that none of them dared to break. His friends had probably even played a game to see which of them should try to talk to Lucas first and it looked like Zay had come up short.

"So…did you know that a new planet was discovered behind Pluto? Now there are nine again!" said his best friend with feigned euphoria.

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you about it, I just can't." He replied. He had given up lying by now, but he still wouldn't tell anyone.

"So you know what's going on? With Brian and why he leaves the team and…carries stuff like that around with him?" Zay asked carefully, sticking out his lower lip.

"I have a feeling." He admitted reluctantly.

"Is it something bad?"

"It's... something serious. As far as Brian is concerned. I would like to tell you, I... I also think that it would help him to talk to others about it, but... it's not my decision. That's his business and he asked me to keep it to myself. Please respect that." He asked his friend, who nodded thoughtfully.

"Okay, but tell Brian you're not the only one there for him."

"I will."

"Are we meeting after school today?" Zay asked.

"No, I'm sorry, I have to help my mom prepare the guest room today. My Aunt Amber from Georgia is coming to visit us for a while in a few days." Lucas replied.

"Oh okay, too bad, see you tomorrow bro."

"See you tomorrow." Actually, he could drive, but in New York City, using or even owning a car was a complete waste of time, money and nerves, which is why he, like almost all of his other classmates, usually took the subway to school and back. Part of the route overlapped with Bianca's way home so that she could continue her conversation from this morning in peace. The subway was, in a bizarre way, a quieter place than any room in a high school. No matter what they said or what exactly they talked about, no one cared and none of the other passengers would have been bothered. ever see each other again in their lives a second time. The faces in the subway simply disappeared in the huge mass of the Big Apple.

"When…when exactly did it start…when did you realize…that you…?" He dared to ask at some point. They were sitting next to each other again.

"Are different?" Bianca saved him, otherwise Lucas could have easily spent several more minutes trying to name the elephant in the room between them.

"Yes…I'm sorry." Somehow he felt like he had to apologize for his clumsy behavior.

"It's okay. I…I still don't understand a lot of things myself. I…I think the first faint signs were when I was four and put on my mom's high heels and walked around in them. I mean…everyone goes through phases like that, but with me…it wasn't just like that. It…it stayed. Somehow always there and…somehow not. It's…hard to describe. I really got clarity around the summer of three years ago. On a school trip to the mountains, I...made out with a boy for the first time. At first I thought...I was just gay or...at least bi because I...found girls so...fascinating. But I never wanted anything from them. I...wanted to be like them. One of them. Last year I told my parents." Bianca told him, wringing her hands.

"And?"

"They argue. Often. Mainly because of me. My mom accepts that she has a daughter who was born in the wrong body. My dad...he doesn't." She confessed and sighed heavily. Lucas could see with the naked eye how much courage and determination it cost her to tell him all this.

"What...what about your dad? How's the treatment going?" She asked with a quiet sniff. If she was baring her soul to him, then it was only fair that he did the same now.

"There are good days and there are bad days. On good days, he sits upright in his wheelchair and helps Mom make dinner or...asks about my college plans. On bad days...I or Mom have to help him eat."

His dad had always been a hero of sorts to Lucas. Every father was that to his son, but with Lucas, it was true. He was a member of the fire department in Texas as well as New York. His job was to save lives. He had always been so cheerful and lively. Lucas' suspension had broken his heart back then, and he had done everything in his power to never disappoint his father like that again. Then, a few months ago, his world was torn apart. On a weekend off, his father simply passed out. What he had first diagnosed as a mild circulatory disorder turned out to be a fatal illness that was increasingly bringing the older Friar to his knees. Lucas was not ashamed that on some days he now had to cut his father's food or feed him it because he could no longer lift his arms. It...it just hurt. From day to day, with a few short interruptions, his father lost more and more of his independence. It was as if his father was being beaten up in front of Lucas' eyes and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

"I'm sorry."

"My aunt is coming from Georgia to help us with the care. She's a nurse, you know. Then hopefully Mom can go to work more often and I... will probably look for a job soon. Being terminally ill is unfortunately not cheap."

"Shouldn't you be looking after your own future? It's the last year of high school?" Bianca reminded him.

"I have to set priorities. My dad was disappointed in me when I got kicked out of school in Texas. He...he thought I was better than that. Not just then. No matter how much nonsense I did, and that was a lot back then...he never gave up on me. Now I can't give up on him."

"That sounds like a lot of pressure. Can you really handle it?"

"Can you handle it?"

They left it at that. Each of the guardians of the other's oppressive secret. His stop came, he walked the rest of the way to his apartment. It had changed a lot recently. Several barriers and trip hazards that he hadn't even noticed as such before had been removed, dents in the floor smoothed out and the step to the raised kitchen had been provided with a ramp so that his father could manage without them. But that could only partially disguise the fact that New York apartments were small and a wheelchair was wide and bulky.

"Hey Lucas, how was school, my son?" His mom Jaclyn Friar had, as a friend from middle school once told him, the body of an Amazon. She was tall, strong and had medium-length hair in the same shade of blonde as him and his father. Her eyes were, however, framed by growing bags under her eyes. She hadn't slept much recently. Even when she wasn't directly doing something for her son or father.

"Good, it was good to see everyone else again. Zay is now the new running back on the team. And I've finally gotten rid of Mr. Livingston in English."

"Oh, I'm happy for you and how are your friends?"

"Good, they all experienced so much during the holidays and nobody brought me anything." He complained jokingly, without paying attention to what topic he had unintentionally brought up. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat and then looked away from her.

"That...I'm glad. Aunt Amber called and said her flight is booked. She'll be here on Friday."

"Good, and...how is Dad?" Lucas asked, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh good, he was able to walk a few steps again this morning. I had to remind him, not without running down to the mailbox." His mother answered enthusiastically.

"And after that?" From experience he knew that every piece of good news on this subject was accompanied by some bad news.

"After that...he calmed down again. He's sitting in the living room. He's probably happy to see you." His mother said, nodding her head towards the hallway.

Every MS case was unique in its own way; the exact symptoms that occurred, the intensity, the cycles, or the intervals varied from patient to patient. That's why it was also called the disease with a thousand faces. One day everything was back to normal, just a little numbness in the fingers or...mental absence. His dad would laugh with him, make funny comments about Nix or urge him to finally decide on a college. He would help him with his homework or devote himself to his unfinished manuscript entitled "One in a Thousand" about the course of his illness. His dad needed this kind of activity because he couldn't go to work anymore and if you were already cursed with such an illness, why not just make the best of it? Actually an exciting book but... Lucas was increasingly afraid of the end that they all knew... would come at some point. Then there were days when his father... was set back decades in his own development. Vision problems, sensory disturbances, fatigue, speech problems, cognitive problems and even emotional changes ranging from depression to outbursts of anger. More than once his father had broken a glass, usually because he had accidentally dropped it but once or twice because he had thrown it against a wall.

"Dad?" Even after he had called him for the third time, his father did not acknowledge him. Only when he knelt down on the floor right in front of his field of vision did he notice his facial muscles moving.

"Lucas! You're still here? Didn't you just get to school? Have you forgotten something?"

"Uh, no, Dad. I... school finished early." His shave was a bit damaged. He also wore his blond hair longer. He wore a gray hoodie with a few faded spots of leftover food on it, matching sweatpants and slippers. He sat slightly to the side in his wheelchair and followed the afternoon program without concentrating, but immediately sat up when he saw Lucas.

"Oh, that's great. How was it? Does your mother still make her special casserole?"

"I think so."

"Ah, wonderful, she got the recipe from your grandmother, you know? That was her test whether someone is good enough for her son: Any girl who can't make the traditional Friar family casserole is not for you, she said. Your mother almost failed at the side dishes, thank God she was able to save the bread from the oven in time before it burned, otherwise you would never have been born." His father said and laughed.

"Yes, I know."

"If you ever bring a girl home, don't take her to your heart until she has passed the test." His father advised him.

"All right, I'll go and do my homework, Dad."

"Yes, OK, good, son, oh and don't drive yourself crazy about that Jeremy boy. Some people just go for it, but that doesn't mean you have to jump on it. It's above that. Their level is not your level." His father reminded him. Lucas tried hard to smile as he left. Jeremy had been in Texas, more than three years ago. Before he was kicked out. Sometimes he got things mixed up. That happened.

"Yes, I will, Dad."