Tell Me It's a Nightmare
The plane was rocked by yet another gust of wind. I felt it completely turn on its side before beginning to plummet to the ground, spinning on its way down. Danielle, not having her seat belt on, started to fling to the back of the plane, but I grabbed her hand just before she went out of reach. "Danielle, don't let go!" I screamed. The passengers were in total panic, several flying toward the back of the plane as we descended. I knew that if the pilots didn't pull us out of this spiraling fall, we would be dead on impact. I clutched Danielle's hand tighter, praying silently as my heart pounded in my chest.
The plane was hit with yet another wind gust as we descended, and I felt my shoulder pop out of socket. I yelped in pain, instinctively letting go of Danielle's hand briefly before realizing what I did. "No!" I screamed as Danielle was thrown to the back of the plane. With nothing to keep her in place, I knew she would be thrown all around the plane, and if we survived, internal injuries could be a serious problem. I felt a tear trickle down my face before I even noticed I was crying. Every important person flashed in my mind's eye as I was engulfed by memories. All of my family, all of my friends, all the good times I've had, all the bad times I struggled through. Tears continued to fall as we got closer and closer to those mountains. I squeezed my eyes shut as I thought, This is it. We're going to die.
Finally, the plane righted itself, and the pilots got the plane back under control. I glanced outside, and before I could breathe a sigh of relief, I saw mountains right outside the window. I felt the pilots trying to make the plane climb, but it was no use. I felt a sudden jerk of the plane, before I felt the impact of the 767's left wing against the side of the mountain, my head flew back against my seat, and everything went black.
My mind fills with the faces of the people on the plane. It settles on the faces of my friends; Jacob, Danielle, and Morganne. Friends who within an instant had their fate sealed. All three would be gone in some way, shape, or form. Why am I the only one left?
My eyes pop open as I start to hyperventilate. It was a dream…it was just a dream, I think to myself. Except it wasn't. I really was in a plane crash. Morganne and Danielle are really dead. Jacob is really in a mental hospital because of the events of the crash. And I wonder if I should be there too, I think as I slowly sit up and pull my knees to myself.
"Jaz?" a gentle voice calls out. I turn my head to see my wife rubbing her eyes before sitting up on her elbows. "What's going on?"
I shake my head. "It was just a dream," I mumble. "Go back to sleep, Cal."
Callie's brows furrow as she sits up and puts a hand on my shoulder. "No, you're shaking," she says, keeping her gentle tone. I take a moment to assess myself. Oh…I am shaking, I say to myself, too enveloped in my emotions to notice my whole body vibrating. "What's going on, love?"
"It was just a nightmare," I say, turning away and putting my chin on my knees. "It's not like I haven't had them before." I feel Callie's eyes study me, gently rubbing circles into my back.
"I think if it were 'just a nightmare', you wouldn't be sitting up in bed shaking," Callie says, her tone getting firmer. "What happened in the dream?"
I pause. I don't want to even say the words aloud; as if keeping them inside would make them less real. That the crash would remain a bad nightmare, that there wouldn't be gravestones marking two of my best friends' graves, that my other best friend wouldn't be considered mentally insane if I just kept it in. I curl further into myself, as if trying to hold it all in. Callie continues to study me patiently. I feel a tear escape before I can catch it. Callie notices though, and she takes a gentle hand and wipes it away before gently kissing the streak it left behind. "Let me in, Jaz," Callie says, her tone again gentle and comforting. "I want to know what's going through your head." She grabs a hand gripping my knee and holds it tight.
"It was about the plane crash," I say, my voice quivering. "It was those last few minutes where the plane fell out of the sky before slamming into the mountain. I saw the faces of so many people on that plane, but I kept coming back to Jacob, Danielle, and Morganne. And how they're all gone. Danielle and Morganne are dead. Jacob is probably never leaving the mental hospital. And why did I get to come out of this functioning? I was the only one…why did I get to survive?" I bury my face in my knees as my shoulders shake with sobs.
Callie gently scoops me up and pulls me into her lap. She holds me there for a moment before saying, "I'm glad you did. I'm glad you survived." My sobs quiet as I look up at her with red eyes. "I don't know why some people get to survive while others don't. But I will always be grateful that you did." She gently kisses my forehead. I uncurl myself just enough to let myself melt into Callie's embrace. Somehow, despite all the turmoil in my head, Callie seems to calm it. I feel safe, safer than I ever been. And slowly, I fall back to sleep in the arms of the woman I love.