Monday morning found Rachel wandering the Department again. She was trying to get to the Morsius Pensieve, but only half-heartedly. She still hadn't told anyone about the possibility of her seeing Barty Crouch Junior's life. She still didn't know if she wanted to even offer to do that.
On one hand, Barty Crouch Junior's life couldn't possibly be as bad as Tom Riddle's. On the other hand, she knew his father had a hand in sending him to Azkaban, so who knew what other horrible things he'd done to his son? She was also a little concerned she would be affected by the Dementors through the pensieve. Could she really sit and watch him sit in his cell suffering for however many years before he escaped? Somehow, she suspected that was about as good for her mental health as continuing to watch the Death Eaters torture, rape, and murder people.
A new thought had also wormed into her mind recently about watching Tom Riddle's memories. What if she saw Severus? What if she saw Severus torturing and killing people?
She knew abstractly that he had done those things. She'd known that for a very long time. But she was deeply afraid that seeing it would be different and might impact her relationship with him. She loved her father. And he had done some terrible things in his life. She had learned to let those two facts coexist.
Rachel knew she wasn't perfect. She'd done some things that were less than morally acceptable. She didn't know anyone who was perfect.
Maybe she was worrying about nothing. Maybe Severus had been such an insignificant part of Tom Riddle's life that she would never see him. Or maybe he would be in a mask and robes and she'd never know he was there.
That was the distant future's problem. She was still back in the sixties in Tom Riddle's memories. She had another decade and a half to get through before he even met Severus.
Unable to stop herself from feeling a wave of despair at the idea of watching another fifteen years of torture, Rachel carried on. She was keeping track of the rooms she walked through, but not giving more than a cursory look. She'd been through all these rooms before.
"I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish," she said, glancing up at the Department.
She felt a mild shifting in her mind. At the very least, the Department was currently paying attention to her.
"You know, Patrick assigned me to this project for a reason. I don't mind hanging out with you. I'll still visit when I'm done, if that's your concern."
Another shift, this one with slightly more pressure.
"I honestly can't tell if you don't want me to reach the Morsius Pensieve. Sometimes it seems that way. You let me in other places just fine, but when I'm trying to go there, you send me in circles."
The pressure remained steady.
Rachel frowned to herself as she thought. There had to be some way of communicating directly with the Department instead of all this guess work. She'd been reading about the Department and she found it fascinating, but there was a lot of speculation and unsupported theories.
She opened a door and paused when she realized where she was. "Why do you keep sending me here?" She felt the Department withdraw a little.
After considering it for a moment, she went inside and started down the stone steps.
The Veil stood on the dais in the center, as inscrutable as always. She could hear voices.
She boosted herself up onto the dais and edged closer. "Hello?"
One of the theories she'd read said that this was a direct connection to the afterlife. The voices she heard were supposedly the voices she knew of people who had died. The more recent the death, the more powerful the voice.
Listening carefully, she searched for Barty Crouch Junior's voice among the muttering. It felt like someone had stuffed wax in her ears and she was straining to hear through it. Could she hear a man's voice? She thought so.
She edged closer, coming right up to the Veil but being very careful not to let it touch her. "Mom? Dad? Can you hear me?"
Her hand was up, hovering a few centimeters away from the Veil before she jerked it back again. She felt the very strong temptation to stick her head through and see for herself. That was a temptation she had to resist.
She watched the Veil for a moment longer, listening carefully, and then backed away. She climbed off the dais, hiked back up the steps, and yanked the door firmly closed behind her. The Veil was a terminal room, so she had to go all the way back out if she wanted to go anywhere else.
She reached the circular room with the doors, signed herself out of the Department for the day, and went back to her desk.
Her parents had said they could see written correspondence when it was directed to them, so she found a blank page and began to write.
'Dear Mom and Dad,
Can you watch me inside the Department of Mysteries? If so, can you see when I'm at the Veil? Is the Veil somewhere you can access where you are?
If so, the next time I'm there, I want you to focus and speak as loudly and clearly as you can. I might be able to hear you. If we could communicate-'
Rachel stopped, thinking of all the possibilities if she could actually communicate with her parents. After a few minutes of examining the strangely painful idea, she picked up her quill again.
'If we could communicate, it would mean a lot to me.
You probably already know this, but I killed Barty Crouch Junior recently. It was partially self defense and partially an accident. I feel pretty guilty about it.
I hope everything is going well. I love you both.
Love from your daughter, Rachel.'
It was short, as far as letters went, but it said what she'd needed to say.
She checked her watch and found that she'd only been wandering the Department for ninety minutes. There was plenty of time for her to go into the Archives and see what methods of communication people had devised for the Department. There had to be something.
"Alright, let's get started," Sirius said once everyone in the faction had tea, biscuits, and had settled around his kitchen table.
"Let's start with Rachel," Nathan said, peering down the table. "Are there any difficulties with the MLE given everything?"
"No. Amelia and Rufus say I was acting as a recalled auror as I have been read in on the investigation of the Death Eater attacks and that given that Crouch Junior attempted to kill me, that my actions have been cleared as self defense," she told everyone.
"Does Amelia believe there will be more Death Eater attacks?" Arkady checked, looking fearful.
Rachel shook her head. "Since we couldn't question Crouch Junior, we have no way of knowing if he was working alone or if he had recruits. We believe it's likely he was working alone. He should have brought more Death Eaters with him to the attack on my home if he had them. For now, everyone is being warned to remain cautious. Time will tell."
"It would explain why the MLE's efforts to get undercover agents recruited never worked," Draco said, looking down the table. "The MLE's position has always been that this was the work of a single Death Eater or of a very small group. We would have seen more widespread attacks and bigger targets if they had the people for it."
"I'm sure Amelia we'll keep us up to date," Sirius said. "I know everyone here has made certain their wards are taken care of. If you have concerns about your safety or your wards, check in with me and we can refer you to someone who can help."
There were nods all around the table, but most people seemed only mildly worried.
"How are you and Theo holding up?" Thomas checked.
"We're fine, thank you. We sheltered with my father for two days while we had our wards rebuilt. Theo and I are under the Fidelius charm again."
"I can't say I think that's a bad idea," Neville said.
"It's probably wise, given everything," Arkady agreed.
"Alright. Other concerns about this?" Sirius checked. When no one spoke, he nodded. "Let's check in where we're at on the House Elf proposal. Rachel?"
"We need two more votes now that we have Adam Harkness," Rachel told them.
"That's it? We have thirty eight votes?" Linette asked.
"We do. Everyone has agreed that they will vote for it as long as it passes. As long as everyone keeps their word, then we should be in good shape. I have a few more people to try and I think we're taking this to vote in late May or early June."
"That will be a relief," Stephen said. "I assume once it passes you are selecting a committee to begin staffing the Ministry office as outlined in the proposal?"
"I am," Rachel agreed, though she hadn't thought that far ahead just yet. Her focus had been on getting the votes.
"Do you have anyone in mind for the committee?" Dolph asked, still looking slightly skeptical about the entire thing.
"If anyone is interested, they can put their name in for consideration. I don't have anyone in particular in mind, and as far as I'm concerned, the only qualification needed is that they're committed to making this work." She hoped enough people were interested that she could actually form the committee. She could beg Malcolm, Sirius, and Neville to do it if she had to, but she didn't want to do that.
"I'd like to put my name in," Malcolm said, much to her surprise.
"Thank you," Rachel said, meeting his eyes as he leaned forward to peer at her.
"I would as well," Linette said.
Rachel smiled at her. "Thank you."
"Who is left that we need to approach?" Draco asked.
"I'll try Mason Fallon out of courtesy, but I'm not expecting anything. Maisy Collins I still need to check in with. I'm hopeful about her. And Henry Adams." She was pretty sure she could recite the list of votes she needed in her sleep these days.
"Let me talk with Henry," Draco said. "We have an understanding."
Rachel nodded to him.
"You had another proposal up your sleeve, didn't you?" Nathan checked.
"I am working on something, but I'm not at a stage where it's ready for notes yet. I promise you'll all see when I have something. Why don't you tell me what you're working on." She'd had Linette make some comments on the current draft of the proposal for mental health and prisoners, but there was still a lot more work to be done.
Rachel settled in to listen to what her faction was currently working on, ready to direct support, offer her opinion, and otherwise provide feedback as necessary.
She was keeping a rather fixed smile on her face. It was the same one she used in Guild functions when she couldn't politely escape.
Rachel loved Millie. They'd been best friends since they'd been eleven years old. They'd shared pretty much every part of their lives with each other for the past twenty years. And she did not get along with Millie's parents in the slightest.
To be fair, it wasn't entirely Rachel's fault. Millie's mother had some very peculiar ideas about Rachel, particularly around her role in the death of the Dark Lord, and tended to view Rachel as a potential threat to Millie. Rachel couldn't deny that being around her was sometimes dangerous. She tended to attract people with an agenda and a number of the scrapes that Millie had gotten into at Hogwarts had been because Millie had been with Rachel. For that matter, there was still a great deal that Millie's parents didn't know about Millie's time at Hogwarts, and they had collectively agreed it was better to keep those secrets.
For Rachel's part, she didn't particularly approve of Millie's mother. She well remembered Millie's struggles with wanting and not receiving her mother's approval during their Hogwarts years. Over the years Millie had become more confident in herself, though Rachel had seen that finishing her mastery and having Natalie's approval and love had helped a great deal with that. Millie was comfortably settled with Natalie and with her position at the Spell Crafting Guild. To Rachel's point of view, that was despite Amanda Bulstrode's disapproval and interference.
For the most part, Rachel and Amanda not getting along was a non-issue. Rachel almost never had to see her and neither of them sought each other out. Millie generally had separate events and celebrations with her family and with her friends. The one place they couldn't avoid each other was Millie's wedding.
Rachel had sworn to be on her best behavior and she could only hope that Amanda would do the same. Rachel was currently standing in place with Ginny and Isobelle as the minister talked everyone through what was happening where. After this they had the rehearsal dinner. Then she was set free until the wedding on Sunday.
Natalie's bridesmaids were gathered on the other side of the dias. Astoria was standing with Scorpius, who would be the ring bearer, and Hannah was standing with Sarah, who was the flower girl. Scorpius was looking around and fidgeting while Sarah was holding onto Hannah's hand. Natalie's mother was sitting on one side of the pews while Millie's mother sat on the other side. There were a few more people, including Theo, Draco, and Neville, sitting in the pews.
The minister called for the flower girl and Hannah nudged Sarah down the aisle. Millie followed, accompanied by her father, followed shortly by Natalie and her father, and they took their places. Astoria leaned down to talk to Scorpius and got him going down the aisle, holding the cushion for the rings. The minister continued to speak, telling them what he would say and when they would speak.
When the minister told them that he would tell them to kiss, Natalie leaned forward to steal a kiss from Millie, getting laughter from almost everyone. Millie was blushing, but she was clearly pleased.
They followed the brides-to-be out of the church and the minister checked that everyone knew what they were doing.
"Everyone knows where we're going?" Natalie checked once they were finished.
There were nods and agreement all around, so Rachel apparated herself to the entrance of Diagon Alley along with the rest of the wedding party. They had rented a venue for the actual wedding party and dinner, but for the rehearsal dinner they were going to a restaurant.
She found Theo and joined him, glancing up at the clouds. They were all hoping it wasn't going to rain on the day of the wedding, but spring weather could be variable.
"Rachel, may I ask you a question?"
Rachel resisted the urge to reach for Theo's hand, braced herself, and turned. "Yes, Amanda?"
"Should you really be out in public?" Millie's mother asked.
Thankfully, Rachel noticed that Millie was distracted with Natalie and Natalie's parents at the moment. "I'm in public a great deal. I don't see why I shouldn't be," Rachel said, doing her best to keep her tone neutral and not entirely succeeding. That was also a lie. Rachel rarely went out in public without a disguise. If she and Theo wanted to go around in the magical world, they went out in disguise cloaks.
"I would think after the attack on your home you would be worried about retribution from other Death Eaters. It could be considered foolish to endanger the public with your presence," Amanda said, arching her eyebrows at Rachel.
"The MLE believes that Barty Crouch Junior was working alone. Madam Bones made a statement to the press stating as such," Rachel said, though she was not entirely convinced that was true and she knew Amelia and Rufus weren't convinced either.
Rachel continued to walk next to Theo. If Amanda wanted to talk to her, she could damn well keep up. Rachel was wearing sensible flats and she'd gotten a glimpse of Amanda's heeled shoes earlier.
"We all know that the press is in your pocket," Amanda said. "They'll say whatever you want them to say."
There were times that Rachel wished that was true, but it certainly wasn't. She didn't dignify that with a response. After ten years of working with the Wizengamot, she knew how to keep her tongue.
"You may have fooled my daughter, but you have not fooled me," Amanda tried when Rachel didn't reply.
"This is for Millie," Rachel said, meeting her eyes. "The least you could do is have a pleasant evening for her sake."
Amanda scowled but moved away.
"Please tell me we're not sitting near her during this dinner," Theo said when she was out of earshot.
"We're at the same table, but not directly next to her. That unfortunately fell to Isobelle. Ginny is providing us a bit of a buffer," she told him.
"Remind me to thank her later," he said.
Rachel took his hand and squeezed it. "I can be polite for Millie's sake."
"Let's only hope that she can do the same," Theo said, squeezing back.
Rachel was a little bit doubtful, but she'd do her best to get through the evening without fireworks. It was the least she could do.
Exhaling in what could have been a heavy sigh, Rachel finished changing into a pair of trousers and a blouse. They had made it through the rehearsal dinner with a minimum of drama and now it just left the wedding and then she could go back to avoiding Millie's mother. She was happy Millie and Natalie were getting married. Both of them were excited about the wedding and their upcoming honeymoon. But she was also ready for it to be finished.
Gathering Dingbat in her arms, Rachel padded downstairs in stocking feet and found Theo looking thoughtful on the sofa with Feverfew sitting nearby staring at him. "You can't fool us. We know you've been fed," Rachel told the cat.
Feverfew turned her head away as if she was trying to say that's not what she'd been doing at all. Rachel knew better. Dingbat just meowed hopefully.
She sat down next to Theo, letting Dingbat get comfortable on her lap. Now that they were under the Fidelius, she was back to taking her modified Dreamless Sleep potion twice a week. She was looking forward to the oblivion that came with sleep. After taking that potion was about the only time she felt rested. There was a part of her that was tempted to try out her new potions on herself since the committee was taking so long to approve her potions for testing, but she knew better than that.
"What did you think?" Theo asked suddenly.
"Of the rehearsal dinner?" she asked, not knowing what else he could be referring to.
"Of the whole thing, I suppose."
"I think it will be a nice wedding. Hopefully it won't rain on us." Rachel still didn't quite know what he was getting at.
"Millie and Natalie waited a while before deciding to get married," he said, glancing at her. "They've been living together for four years now."
"I suppose they wanted to wait until they were sure." Rachel also suspected that it had taken that time for Millie's mother to come to terms with the idea that Natalie wasn't going away. Amanda had never really approved of Natalie for reasons Rachel didn't understand and she wasn't going to ask. At some point, Millie's mother was Millie's problem to deal with. Rachel could offer support to Millie, but any sort of intervention on her behalf was sure to end disastrously.
"We've been living together for nearly five years. Longer than that, really. We've more or less lived in the same building since we were students together, not counting summer holidays."
"We have," she said, glancing at him and finding him looking back.
They sat for a moment, looking at each other. Theo seemed to be studying her and he looked pensive. Rachel watched him in return, trying to read what was happening here.
"Is marriage something you would even consider?" he asked.
Rachel blinked and looked away. It took her a minute or two to gather herself enough to answer. "I don't know why we would. Doesn't what we have right now work?"
"It works. I like my life here with you. I think you do too, when we're not being plagued by Death Eaters. Is that right?"
She nodded. She was always happier when they weren't being plagued by Death Eaters. There had been no attacks since she'd killed Crouch Junior and she was tentatively trying out the idea that the attacks were over.
"We've been together for five years. We own a home together. I don't think either of us are going anywhere, are we?" Theo pressed.
"No, I have no plans of going anywhere," Rachel agreed. She was settled into her life with Theo. She didn't want to do this without him.
He was quiet for a few minutes, his head bowed. "What would be bad about being married? Not the wedding, I know that will be a disaster, but the marriage part?"
Swallowing, she searched for a way to put it into words. "I don't know. It's just kind of a lot," she finally said, not finding a way to elucidate the matter further.
"Alright. I'm getting the feeling you don't want to have this conversation."
She glanced at him and found him looking at her. "It's a little sudden. I'm just having trouble thinking about it."
"We don't have to have this conversation right now," he agreed. "It's just been on my mind with Millie and Natalie getting married."
"And it's late. I think I'm going to take the cats to bed." Rachel shifted Dingbat to her arms and stood, Feverfew hopping down from the sofa as she recognized that it was time to migrate upstairs to sleep.
"Alright. Goodnight," Theo said.
"Goodnight," she said, glancing back at him. He looked a little grim. She had the uneasy feeling that she'd said something wrong, but she didn't know what it was.
She went upstairs, depositing Dingbat on her bed. Holding her hands out, she tested the wards, but found all of them as they should be. She'd checked in with the House Elves earlier and knew they were all settled for the night. After using a teeth cleansing charm, she put her hair in a plait so it wouldn't get tangled as she slept. With the curtains in her bedroom closed, she changed into a nightgown and pulled back the covers.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she tried to figure out why she felt like she was missing something. She'd done her usual bedtime routine. A glance at her pocket watch told her that all of her friends and family were safely at home. The cats were both on the bed, waiting for her to settle in so they could snuggle up with her.
Rachel didn't know what Theo had wanted her to say. Was she supposed to say that she thought that being married was a great idea? Was that something she was supposed to want?
She didn't know why the idea of being married filled her with something akin to dread, but it did. It seemed both final and sudden and filled with things that made the world more complicated. She did not want her life to become more complicated. Weren't things complicated enough already?
Sitting here thinking about it wasn't helping her any. It was late. She still had things to do. They had a busy weekend coming up. Opening the drawer in her bedside table, Rachel took out her last vial of modified Dreamless Sleep. She needed to brew more this weekend. She took the potion, having long since become accustomed to the taste, and climbed under the covers.
A wave of her hands turned out the lights and a moment later she felt Feverfew and Dingbat making their way over to cuddle. She rested her hand on Feverfew's back, feeling the rumble of her soft purr. Most nights Rachel didn't feel the need to meditate before she tried to sleep, but she recognized that she needed it tonight. She started with the animagus meditations, because those were most familiar to her. Tensing and then relaxing the muscles in her feet, she slowly exhaled and tried to push away the thoughts crowding her mind. There were a lot of them tonight.
It was mid-morning on Saturday when Rachel apparated into Severus' sitting room. He wasn't there, which maybe necessarily wasn't a surprise, but she knew he was home because she had checked her pocket watch before coming over.
His desk in his office was covered in parchment and reference materials, which meant he was in the middle of a big research project. Through the window she could see him out in the back garden.
She went outside, appreciating the slight chill of the spring morning. The grass was dew covered and the air was fresh. Severus' greenhouses stood sentinel at the back of the property.
Severus was moving through his ingredient beds, pausing every now and then to tend to a plant.
"Everything survive the winter alright?" she asked, knowing that he knew she was there.
"Everything seems to have weathered the frost. The snow wasn't deep this year," he said, bending down to examine some leaves.
Rachel had found that the weather in Fordingbridge was generally much milder than she remembered from the winters at Hogwarts, though the rain was often persistent in the spring. She joined him at some lavender bushes, watching as he examined the stems for new growth. A few brave spring bees bumbled around looking for pollen.
"How are you?" Severus asked, looking at her as he stood.
That was a complicated question. She still felt unsettled from her conversation with Theo last night, but she wasn't sure she wanted to raise the subject of marriage with Severus. "I'm mostly alright. We had the rehearsal for Millie's wedding yesterday."
"How did that go?" he asked, moving to another ingredient bed.
"Well, for the most part. Millie's mother is well…Millie's mother," she hedged.
He nodded sagely. "I take it she still persists in her conspiracy theories about you?"
"That's putting it mildly," Rachel said. "I just keep telling myself that after Millie's wedding I can go back to avoiding her."
"That does seem to be the wisest course of action. I wish I knew what better advice to give you."
She shook her head. "I don't think there is really anything to be done. She believes what she's going to believe. What Millie and I have to say about it has never made a difference."
Severus sighed. "Unfortunately there are many people who have somewhat dogmatic beliefs despite evidence to the contrary."
"I know. I'm not worried about it. I'm just ready for it to be over. Millie and Natalie will be happily married then off on their honeymoon."
"That will be good for them," he said, bending down to pluck dead leaves out of some sneezewort.
"Anything new for you?" she asked, ready to move on from the topic of weddings and marriage.
"The Guild has settled on a date for my award ceremony. It's in mid-May."
"Good. Just let me know the date and Theo and I will be there," she promised. She did not like attending Guild events, but this was important for Severus and she wanted to be there to support him. "I saw your office. You look like you're deep in research."
"I am, but it's good to have a big project," Severus said. The small curl of his lips showed that he was pleased.
"Your effects delaying project? she checked.
"Yes. There are so many possibilities that I've had to make charts to decide where I want to begin."
Rachel smiled. She well knew the thrill of having a big project with a lot of possibilities. "Do you think you have time to look at something for me?"
"What's that?" he asked, turning to look at her.
"Neville has bred a new plant and it's doing some strange things. I'd like a second opinion," she said. "He's currently growing another batch, so we should have fresh plants to work with in another three weeks or so."
"I'd be happy to take a look. Bring your research notes the next time you come over and we'll go over them together," Severus said.
"Thank you. I know Neville will appreciate it too."
"How is your sleeping potion research coming?" he asked, moving on to another plant bed.
"Stalled. Waiting on the committee and trying to be patient." She was trying to be patient, but it was difficult. She needed her potions to be tested and she didn't see what objections the committee could have to sleeping potions.
"I imagine that will be a source of frustration for you as long as you are with the Unspeakables," Severus said, frowning down at a dead plant. "This one didn't make it through the winter."
"No, it didn't," she said, bending to examine the dead plant. "I have clippings of dittany in my garden if you want to start fresh."
"I would appreciate that." He paused to pull up the dead plant, examined it further, and then vanished the debris with a wave of his wand. "Are you happy with the Unspeakables?"
"Overall, yes." Rachel thought that was true, at least. "I love the research opportunities and the archive. Some parts are less enjoyable."
"They're not asking you to do anything you're not willing to do?" he checked.
She must have paused for too long because he turned to look at her. "It's not exactly like that," she finally said. "They're not asking me to do things that I'm not willing to do. Some of it is just taxing."
"You know how to set boundaries for yourself?" Severus asked, raising a single eyebrow.
"I do. If there's something I think is unethical, I won't do it. I think I've made myself perfectly clear to everyone in that regard," she said.
Severus watched her for a moment. "It's not just about what might be unethical, it's about what is healthy for you. I know you have just recently been through a trauma, but you have seemed weary lately, even before that."
"I'm sleeping better now that I'm under the Fidelius," Rachel told him.
"I'm glad for that much at least," he said with a slight nod.
"I know you worry, but I am taking care of myself. And I think the further away from Death Eater attacks I am, the better I will feel. And the voting for my proposal is nearly taken care of. Millie's wedding is tomorrow. I'm pretty close to being able to take a break," she continued.
"Good. I think you could use a break. Do you want to go in the greenhouses with me?"
"Yes, I'd like to see how things are growing," she said, grateful for the distraction. She was always willing to lose herself in a project.