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File: LG-37612.1 MAGI telemetry log (decrypted)
Date: 31/12/2015
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1451606347 [caution] Sync rate 99.9999999999%
1451606580 [critical] Severe cranial trauma
1451607183 [critical] Left arm damage, armor breach detected
1451607513 [critical] Catastrophic upper body trauma detected. LCL coolant system compromised
1451607747 [critical] Emergency power systems failing. Life support failing
1451607980 [critical] Ejection failure, Pilot status critical: Cardiac arrest imminent
1451608213 [critical] Cardiac arrest: engaging countermeasures
1451608447 [critical] Pilot not responding: continuing countermeasures
1451608680 [critical] Pilot not responding: continuing countermeasures
1451608913 [critical] Pilot not responding: continuing countermeasures
1451609146 [critical] Pilot not responding: continuing countermeasures
1451609613 [critical] Pilot telemetry lost... **Trying to re-establish connection**
14▒▒s1287 [critical] Pilot telemetry lost.. ø¤° ͜ʖ°¤ø ¥Ø§—ا. Reconnecting...
1451610079 [critical] Pilot telemetry l14▒▒s128t. **Re-establi$hing connection...**
1451610313 [critical] Pilot telemetry: ø¤° ͜$$°¤ø **Trying** ا—ا. Reconnecting...
1451610313 [critical] Pilot telemetry: Lost...c̵̘o̵̡m̴̝p̴͕l̷e̷̘t̷e̷ ̷m̷̡e̵̘ ̷ ing connection...
1451610313 [critical] Pilot telemetry: ERR0阮 ¥Ø§**c̵̘o̵̡m̴̝p̴͕l̷e̷̘t̷e̷ ̷m̷̡e̵̘**. Reconnecting...
1451610313 [critical] Pilot tele▒▒▒y: c̵̘o̵̡m̴̝p̴͕l̷e̷̘t̷e̷ ̷m̷̡e̵̘*. **Rø¤° ͜ʖ°¤øitele▒▒▒▒▒▒▒
1451610313 [critical] Pilot telemetryle▒▒▒▒▒▒▒. m̷̡e̵̘▒▒▒▒▒▒▒**Re▒▒m̷̡e̵̘▒▒▒▒▒▒▒
It's been ten minutes since I've stepped onto the treadmill but my calves are already stinging like crazy. Holding onto the bars, I push through the fatigue and force my legs forward.
Small steps, one at a time
Sweat drips from my forehead and my panting echoes through the empty gym. Shinji and I are alone. A personal request of mine. People in coats make me jumpy. Especially when they carry clipboards and are watching me walk like a toddler, trying not to puke from exhaustion. It's degrading and I hate clipboard people. Having Shinji around is at least tolerable and, as much as I hate to admit this, irritatingly pleasant at times. Besides, he's already seen worse of me so that's not a loss.
Small steps, one at a time.
I side-eye him standing next to the treadmill, his face tense while he observes my every step. He still comes over every day and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Maybe he secretly wants to see me fail. Tss, that's not gonna happen. Not in front of him. I push forward and increase my speed.
Small steps,
I wonder what he does when he's not here. Maybe he's with Ayanami. Ugh, that would explain why he avoids talking about her knowing that I'd mock him into oblivion for hooking up with the doll. There could be another reason but I don't wanna go there right now. Shinji doesn't talk about his father either or basically anything else that's remotely related to that day so it's probably nothing.
I still don't know much about what happened since. It's not like anyone has bothered to properly brief me. The few things I do know are pieced together from the News and a few bits I've managed to wring out of Shinji. For example, I know that the Evangelion program is currently under UN Supervision and a new Captain is heading it. They flew her in from Germany of all places. I can tell that Shinji isn't exactly thrilled about her, which is surprising considering he basically likes anyone who pats his head a little.
Small fucking steps,
The cramp hits me without warning. I stumble and barely manage to hold myself up. Shinji jumps to deactivate the treadmill. Before I can object his arms are around my waist and he carefully lowers me onto the belt just like the nurses have shown him.
Crap, I should have seen this coming.
"You have to be more careful," Shinji says with a concerned look on his face "Remember, small steps, one —"
"One at a time," I echo the annoying mantra that's been following me through the last months. "You know, you sound exactly like Dr. Izumi," I say and start to massage my legs. "Just grab a coat and stop brushing your teeth and I swear no one will notice the difference."
Shinji seems to think for a moment. "If we are that similar, do you think he could pilot Unit-01 for me?"
"Is your hit ratio still sixty-five to hundred?"
Shinji rubs the back of his head and looks at me with an embarrassed smile. "Forty-four."
"Ouch," I grimace. "Yeah, better let the Doc pilot Unit-01 from now on."
Shinji's face becomes serious again. "Maybe you should call it a day."
"Okay listen, Dr. Ikari. Just because you've talked me into this doesn't mean you get to tell me when to quit." That came out way more aggressive than I intended. Luckily Shinji doesn't seem to notice, his face still showing concern. "I've got this," I say and add a quick smile to make sure he knows that I'm not angry. "Trust me."
I grab the handles of the treadmill and heave myself up. "Seriously, you're lucky that I'm not exactly in shape or I would kick your scrawny ass for doubting me."
"Maybe," Shinji says and there is this lopsided smile again. "Maybe not. Maybe you'd be surprised."
I don't know what to make of these bits of new, confident Shinji. Something still bothers me about it. But today—Yeah, I think I like it.
"Oh, you just wait until next week," I say and activate the treadmill again. "I'll wipe that smug look off your face and when I'm done you'll be surprised."
I fight through fifteen more minutes, only to see the baffled expression on Shinji's face. Small steps my ass. I'm pushing twenty minutes when the timer on my wrist-band beeps and indicates the end of today's session
"See? No biggie," I say while the belt slowly comes to a halt.
Shinji shakes his head, smiles, and starts to collect the rest of the equipment while I stagger down the treadmill toward my wheelchair. I slump down, and instantly, my mood takes a nosedive. It's not like I'm bummed about my performance—quite the opposite. I'm exceeding expectations left and right, practically pulling off miracles daily. But now that today's session is over, it's either watching reruns or being stuck in my head for the rest of the day and that's not the coziest place to hang out. Reruns it is then.
There are okay post-impact shows but nothing beats the old ones. There's just something different about them. I know, they're cheesy and corny and absolutely abysmal but I've loved them dearly, ever since I was a child. It's weird, but after enough episodes, you kinda feel like you know these characters. Sometimes I envy them. All their problems seem so small and by the end of each episode, boom, all problems solved. I wish my life would be like that. Life must've been so much easier back when humanity wasn't constantly on the brink of collapse. I've asked Mr. Kaji about it once. He said he couldn't remember the easy times but I bet he was just being nice about it.
I sink deeper into the wheelchair and watch Shinji rolling up resistance bands of all strengths and colors.
"What's wrong?" he says when he notices me staring.
"Nothing, I just—I don't want to go back to my room just yet. It gets pretty boring. Can you—I don't know, stay a bit longer?"
He looks surprised, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "You don't have to if you don't want to," I hastily add
"No—no I—I'm just really busy at the moment. Sorry."
"Sure. No worries. Busy guy. I get it," I say and sway the wheelchair around. With a strong push to the wheels, I roll my way toward the elevator, something bitter forming in my throat.
"Hey wait," Shinji says and hurries after me.
"Press conferences, briefings. Must feel awesome to be as important as you," I say when he catches up with me, bitterness seeping into my voice.
"Not really." he simply says. "I hate it." His voice is soft and I can sense that he's about to slip back into his old self again.
Great job Soryu. Why don't you start insulting him while you're at it? That'll make him stay longer. We stop at the elevator doors and reach for the call button in unison. Our hands nearly touch but Shinji draws back and lets me have my small victory.
"I've seen you on TV, you know," I say, trying to ditch the bitterness. "You don't exactly look like you hate it."
"They expect me to look confident," he sighs. "It's what people want to see. The coaching helps but - I don't know - after a while, it just becomes like piloting. I play my role and try to survive."
The elevator pings, the doors slide open and I roll into the cabin, turning the wheelchair so I can face Shinji. I guess there is no helping it. I've punched a hole into the ship now I have to fix it before it sinks.
"Ikari?"
"Hm?"
"Seriously, stop being so humble. You saved the world! Everyone worships you for it. You're an official hero. You should be proud of yourself!"
He flinches, his face turning pale. "I'm not a hero," he says. "Can we please change the subject?"
He stabs the touchpad, and the elevator starts upward. Hey, that's not fair. I patted his head. Why's he still in Gloomsville?
"Fine," I grumble. "Tell me something else then."
"Like what?"
"Like—something about yourself. Goddammit Ikari, do I have to pull everything out of your nose? I'm trying to be nice here." Shinji hesitates. Suddenly he seems nervous, which is totally stupid because I haven't screamed at him for weeks now. Still, I feel a pang of guilt.
"I've signed up for University," he finally says. Wow, so now he's just making stuff up. Shinji at University. That's ridiculous.
"Cooking schools aren't Universities," I laugh. "You know that right?"
"It's not a cooking school," Shinji whines. "I've signed up for Metaphysical Biology at UTokyo." Wait, he's actually serious? My jaw practically detaches itself.
"You're kidding me right?"
"No, I'm not," he says, crossing his arms.
"Jesus—"
The elevator chimes to a halt. Still a bit startled, I roll into the sun-lit hallway of NERVs first-class rehabilitation ward. Shinji falls into step. There seem to be a few things Shinji hasn't told me.
"Okay, I have a question," I say and look up to him. "How on earth did you manage to get into UTokyo? I mean they have standards and admission tests. Hell, you barely made it through school. Wait a minute," I squint. "Did you even graduate?"
"I've only missed one year, and it's not like I actively applied. They offered me a scholarship."
"More like NERV bought you a scholarship," I smirk.
Shinji thinks for a moment then he sighs. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right. They did the same for me back in Germany. Except, you know, I'm actually a genius and you've picked the wrong field to study," I say and raise a finger. "Physics is the only field worth studying. This Meta-Bio stuff's just some convoluted nonsense hunched on top. At the end of the day, it's all just tensors and unitary symmetries in a potentially infinite Hilbert-Space."
Shinji looks at me like I've just said the stupidest thing he's ever heard.
"You'll never make it," I say
"Always the motivator," he mutters
We are only a few meters away when I notice the door to my room standing open. That's strange. I don't expect any visitors. Then the overly sweet lavender perfume hits my nose and my mood tanks.
"You could have warned me that she's inbound," I hiss.
Shinji doesn't answer, his face is a mask. A bad feeling grips my spine. When I roll into my room my suspicion is confirmed. Misato Katzuragi, Commander of NERV and the absolute last person I want to see right now leans against the window sill.
"Asuka!" She chirps and her face lights up. "It's so good to see you."
Seriously? It takes all my willpower not to burst out laughing. It's been months since I woke up and the only thing that I've seen from her was her signature on a NERV-branded get-well-soon card and now she's glad to see me?
"Next time you decide to drop by please make an appointment with my secretary first," I say and nod towards Shinji. "I'm running on a pretty tight schedule. Too many wellness and beauty opportunities in here, you know."
Her eyes twitch and get stuck on Shinji who seems to have frozen solid next to me. Her expression saddens.
"Hello Shinji," she says, her voice an inch above a whisper.
"Commander," Shinji replies without a hint of emotion. He turns to me and I can see the discomfort in his eyes.
"See you tomorrow okay ?" he says.
"Yeah, tomorrow, sure," I say vacantly, my head still busy crunching the numbers on as to what I owe the honor of NERVs CO visiting me. And why are these two acting so strange? There seems to be a lot Shinji hasn't told me. Then again, I never cared to ask.
"You look great," Misato says when Shinji has closed the door. "Shinji seems to be taking good care of you."
"He does." I tilt my head "So what do you want here?"
"I have great news I wanted to bring personally."
Rain streaks blur my reflection in the giant glass windows of the lobby. Straw hair plastered to my forehead, cheeks hollowed out, and one eye hidden under a stupid eyepatch – I barely recognize myself. Through the downpour, Tokyo-3's skyline looms like a grey ghost in the distance, and the hollow ache in my stomach spreads a bit further.
I couldn't wait to get out but now I don't feel like I'm ready. Misato's news wasn't exactly great. I've made so much progress that they've decided to release me but I'm still on hold for an indefinite amount of time. I'll be continuing PT and there will be other therapy options, which means counseling. The counseling part isn't optional and will be a real pain but I can live with that. I'm a reasonable person. What I can't live with is the fact that they haven't even started to repair Unit-02. That's when I snapped and started yelling at Misato.
I was just so angry. I thought that I'd be back in the pilot seat as soon as I'm out of here but instead, I'm stuck in limbo, waiting for NERV to pull their heads out and actually fix Unit-02. Idiots! Do they think Shinji can handle everything himself? How can they be so careless? Bunch of lazy morons!
Footsteps echo through the lobby. I turn around to see Shinji approaching. His hair is wet and he looks a bit like a Section 2 agent, one hand hidden under the jacket of his uniform. My heart makes a small jump. I didn't expect him to show up. Stupid, I know. But I really didn't.
"I know I can be a jerk but you`re not gonna shoot me on my last day, are ya?" I say and lift a brow. "That would be overly dramatic."
He stops and looks clueless for a few moments. "Oh, sorry," he says and reveals a small cardboard box wrapped with a red ribbon. "I didn't want them to get wet." He looks at me expectantly with puppy eyes. "For you."
Crap, now I wish he would have drawn a gun on me. At least then I would have known how to react. Dodge, shoot for his legs, and from there work my way into a choke.
I hesitantly take the box out of his hands and forget to breathe when I see what's inside. The two synch clips are weathered, with small cracks in the red varnish that reveal the metal underneath, but they are as beautiful as the day I got them.
"It's nothing special but I thought you might want them back," Shinji says, nervously scratching the back of his head.
I need a few attempts to click them into place but when they finally do it feels great. Like a lost body part being reattached. Only that I'm probably looking extremely stupid right now. My hair hasn't seen a scissor in ages.
"Tadaaa," I say with an extravagant wave of my hand. "What d'ya think ?"
Shinji smiles and gives me a thumbs-up. "You look great." Deep down I know he's just trying to be nice. I don't look all that great anymore and on any other day that probably would've made me angry. But I don't care. I just enjoy being looked at without pity or shock.
Suddenly I'm very aware of how close he's standing, how tall he's grown. Taller than me. I swallow hard. I know I'm supposed to say something right now. It's there, right at the tip of my tongue, but somehow my stupid brain suddenly lacks all the right words. Shinji's gaze rests on me and I feel my cheeks heat up.
Hello, Brain? We kinda need some words here...
I swallow again. I really should say something now.
Say something goddammit!
"So—" Shinji finally breaks the silence before it can bury us.
"So—" I respond with a dry mouth. "Um, Misato´s gonna pick me up. I'll stay with her for a while. Figure things out. I have quite a bit of catching up to do. I even got a few interview requests. You think they'll dig the eyepatch?" A nervous laugh escapes my mouth. Great, now I'm just bumling nonsense. I don't have any interviews lined up. No one cares about me, as per usual. And even if they did, Misato's orders were clear. No interviews. So the only questions I'll answer will be those from the counselors. But Shinji's the last person I want to know this.
"I'm sure they will," he says. "Just be careful, those people—not all of them are nice."
"Oh come on Ikari, reporters? Spotlights?" I say, slowly recovering from my brain meltdown. "That's what I was born for. Trust me I'll enjoy the shit out of this."
"I don't know a single person who deserves it more than you," he says with a smile that makes my insides tingle. I didn't know that someone could smile like that. Not for me.
"You really are the strongest person on this planet," he adds
"And yet, I wouldn't be here anymore if it hadn't been for you. You saved me," I say and fight the urge to look away. What the goddamn hell is wrong with me?
Shinji implodes like a dying star. His shoulders sack and his lips become a thin line "I—uh" he stammers, his eyes hitting the ground. What did I do wrong now? I know it wasn't the big heartwarming gesture of gratitude that he deserved, but it wasn't that bad, was it?
Then I notice something that I should have noticed sooner. Maybe it's just the light or the strangeness of the situation but Shinji looks old. Not like old people do but worn out, his skin pale, and thin. And these rings under his eyes—
"Hey, you okay?" I say, the hollow in my stomach growing.
"Sure," he says a little too enthusiastically and that lopsided smile creeps back onto his face. "I'm fine." It's the contrast that finally makes me realize what's been bothering me ever since I first saw it. It's fake.
Shinji clears his throat. "Sorry, I think I have to go." He leans forward and awkwardly wraps his arm around me. I freeze and he quickly pulls away as if he just burned himself. "Goodbye, Asuka." Before I can respond he turns around and is on his way out.
"See you," I say after a few moments, still blinking. It comes out more as a question really but Shinji is already too far away to hear.
What the hell just happened?