Shinji doesn't answer. Not the next day, nor the day after. On day three I decide that I'm done worrying. If he doesn't want to talk, fine. Whatever. I don't care. Whatever this Idiot's problem is he can deal with it himself.

I'm too busy anyway. This isn't totally true, but it sounds good in my head. Counseling doesn't start for a few days, so I've about three hours of PT a day, followed by marathoning junk food and TV.

I haven't seen Misato since she dropped me off here. She's left a note telling me to take my time and settle in. That's it. Easier said than done. This place is just way too big and quiet. The creaks and noises are freaking me out. It's like the apartment whispers. Sometimes I hear feet shuffling in the other rooms. I know it's just my imagination but I can't shake the feeling something's in here with me. I don't know, maybe a place can actually be haunted by failure.

It's worse at night. I keep jolting awake, explosions ringing in my ears. Sometimes it takes minutes until the nightmares loosen their grip.

The pills aren't doing much, except to make me feel dizzy. When I can't take it anymore I drag my futon into the living room and turn on the TV. The familiar voices finally calm me down. I close my eyes and try to think about the time when Shinji and I were arguing about what program to watch. When he slept close enough to hear him breathing. I hate how much I wish him to be here right now. I even think about writing him again but there's no way I'll admit defeat like that. If he can't be bothered to answer, then screw him.

On the very early morning of day six, after another night of running aimless zigzaggs around the apartment I'm done. I'm done with this place and I'm done done-worrying and most importantly I'm absolutely, definitely two-hundred-twenty-percent done being ghosted. No one ignores me like that and gets away unharmed.

So decision made; I'm gonna visit the Idiot. Primarily to let divine anger rain down on his sorry ass and, just a little maybe, to make sure that he's okay. It's not too hard for someone with my clearance to dig up the exact address and his schedule from NERVs backend.

A lot of the housing facilities in and around the old HQ got destroyed so they've assigned Shinji someplace in the north, near Hakone Lake. And would you look at that: He's scheduled for standard medical evaluation at eleven hundred, which is just perfect cause it gives me enough time to get over there, tell him to screw himself, and get back to catch my favorite show.

The billboards at the bus terminal are running a constant stream of ads. Mostly NERV advocating open positions. Once in a while, Shinji's face pops up grinning like a creep at the passengers. When I get closer I notice someone has graffitied the word "guilty" in big, sloppy letters onto one of the screens. It's dead center on Shinji's forehead every time he shows up. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke I'm not in on? Seriously, people are weird.

There's a group of giggling Schoolgirls sitting flocked together on the benches. I try to ignore the little glances they shoot at me but I know when I'm the center of attention. Even without the eyepatch, I stand out. Especially here in Japan. But really, it has always been like that. Either because I was the youngest, or the prettiest, or the smartest around. I used to love the attention, knowing that people looked at me in awe. Somehow it's not the same anymore. I hate the way people stare at me now. Like I'm some kind of zoological oddity.

I'm probably being paranoid but after the third burst of giggles, I turn away and pull my phone out just to make sure my hair and teeth are presentable. When I slip my phone back into my pocket the prettiest of the group, obviously the queen, and her not-so-pretty side-kick have approached me.

"Hey, are you uhm–" Queen Bee gestures at my sync-clips. "–an Evangelion Pilot or something?"

"Yes, I am," I say and build myself up in front of them, arms akimbo. "Asuka Soryu Langley, Pilot of Unit-02 and I'm kind of busy."

They look at each other, squeal and before I know it they've waved their friends over and I'm surrounded, answering questions.

Which Robot is yours? "The red one but it's not a Robot."

Does it hurt? "Only if you suck."

Can the Robot fly? "Sure, if you sprinkle it with fairy dust and drop it from a plane but it's still not a robot."

What's Shinji Ikari like? "Uhm–unusual?" is the only thing I can get out without choking on my tongue. "Look, I don't really know him. It's not like we're friends or anything. He's just a Co-Pilot." It's not even a lie at this point. Hell if I know what's going on in that balloon of hot air that idiot calls a head. Obviously, it's not me. Disappointment spreads on the girl's face and I can tell they've just lost all interest in me.

Because, of course, everything's about him. I can't even have my own thoughts for myself anymore, let alone my single moment of fame. It's as if he's the gravitational center of the whole fucking universe. Anger glows in my chest. Why can't he just disappear? My life would be so much easier without him. NERV would clear me without even looking because I'd be their only option and I'd be –

You'd be dead. Dead, dead, and triple dead. Face it, you couldn't get anything done. You couldn't even end a single fight without him. That's why he doesn't answer. You're useless and he knows… he knows…

"Shut-up." The girl posse goes mute. Oh oh, did I just—? The girls look at each other confused. Fortunately, the bus slides into the terminal before I have to explain myself. Queen Bee mutters something then she's off for the bus. Her underlings follow without giving me another look. I decide to wait for the next bus.

When I step out of the bus the sun is already hammering. The air shimmers on the streets and an army of cicadas is chirping from everywhere. At least there's a gentle breeze that carries a mix of pine and lake.

It's so green here. Amazing. Some people are on the streets going about their business but not many. Everything feels wider, more relaxed. No gutted structures or ruins either. It seems like this part of the city was spared from most of the destruction.

That's when I notice her, right across the street. She stands perfectly still against the pedestrians passing by her. Ayanami? I blink and she's gone. What the–

Suddenly I feel uncomfortable. Observed. I rub my eye and check again but there's only shimmering air where she was standing. Maybe I should've eaten something before coming here. I'm definitely a bit lightheaded and an iron taste fills my mouth. I check my phone again. Waiting for the next bus has compromised my schedule some, but it'll be fine. I won't be staying long.

The Address turns out to be a U-shaped two-story complex just a few blocks away from the bus stop. It's not near the lake, but right at the lake. There's even a small park in the middle. If it weren't for the towering, iron fence surrounding it, this place could pass for a fancy seaside hotel. I head straight for the security booth at the gate.

The guard inside gives a grim look when I present my ID and "State my business". His gaze wanders between me and my card like he's trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth. Of course, he doesn't know who I am. I mean what have I done for him except like, protect Earth with my own life?

"Rough year," I say and try to imitate the smile that my twelve-year-old self sports. Or was I thirteen? I still remember when the picture was taken but it feels like the memory of a different person a lifetime away. The guard's eyes soften.

"We all had, " he says and hands me back my ID. Then he points into the complex "Down the path, then right and up the stairs. Apartment 201."

Then I'm finally standing in front of Shinji's door. "Okay, here goes nothing," I mutter to myself, my finger hovering over the doorbell. I take a deep breath and ring it. Ding. Nothing. Ding. Still nothing.

Thank goodness he's not home. I sigh, relieved. I mean, I'm not feeling well and I probably look like a mess. I'm all sweaty and my hair's a disaster. Definitely not the best look. I'll just come back tomorrow. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Tomorrow sounds good. Solid. Way better than–"

"Asuka?" Shinji says behind me. "What are you doing here?"

Crap. I turn around and thoughts fire at once. Is he surprised? Annoyed? Angry? Nervous? Am I nervous? Suddenly all the frustration of the last days unload.

"You got swallowed by an angel again?" I snap. "Or is a mere peasant like me not worthy of his highness's attention?"

Shinji looks totally confused. "Wh–What are you talking about? Are you alright? "

Actually, I'm not. Light's dance in my vision and a wave of vertigo hits me. Oh crap, I think I'm gonna– I steady myself on the doorframe trying to breathe against the nausea. I have to get out of here somehow.

"Forget it," I manage. "I just wanted to let you know what a huge prick you are."

I try to push away from the doorframe and reality loses color. It peels away around me and my legs slack. Then there is a flash, then Images. Memories? A pale figure watching me. Its face is a distorted mess with seven eyes. Then something hits my head.

I've messed up. I don't know what exactly but I know this feeling. God, my head hurts. I groan and carefully try to sit. Something drops onto my lap and I need a moment to realize that it's an ice-pack. I reflexively feel for the cold spot that it left on my forehead and wince as my fingers touch the swelling. What the hell? Where am I? I scan my whereabouts.

I'm sitting on a couch in what seems like someone's living room. The setting sun casts long shadows through the windows. How long have I been here? Is this - Is this Shinji's place? Slowly, the events come back to me. I groan again. This time not because of the hammering pain in my head. Terrific execution Soryu, real smooth, busting in here like a harpy only to pass out on his doorstep. I should've eaten something before coming here or better yet, stayed at home. I don't even want to know what Shinji thinks of me now. He probably thinks I've gone completely nuts.

I inhale and try to massage the headache away. Why do I even care what the Idiot thinks of me? He should be worried about what I think about him, not the other way around. Yet my ears heat up. So this is his place, huh? It's a tad smaller than Misato's but bright with a direct view of the lake. There's even a TV with a video game console. Didn't know he was into video games. But his cello is standing in the corner so it must be his place. Strange, I've imagined it completely different. Utterly bland and gray with some cardboard boxes everywhere. It's quite nice, actually and it smells…familiar.

"You shouldn't be walking around just yet," Shinji stands in the doorway to the kitchen, holding a tablet. "You've bumped your head pretty hard."

"I'm fine, thanks," I shrug and turn away, pretending to check out the view so he doesn't see me blush even more.

"Are you hungry?" he asks. "I have some left-over soup and some toast. I didn't know you would come so I didn't prepare anything fresh."

Way to rub it in, Third. "It's always eating and underwear with you, isn't it?" I say and I try to make it sound cool. Shinji places the tablet on the table and sits on the couch.

"You should really eat something," he says, sounding concerned. I sigh. He's right, I'm starving.

Just how long was I out? It must've been a few hours at least. I definitely missed PT. Wait. A thought freezes me. Was he here the whole time? With me? If that's the case, he wasn't where he was supposed to be. That's bad, really really bad. Missing unannounced is a big no-no. There'd be Section Two agents swarming the place by now so he must've excused himself. What if he told someone at NERV what happened? What if he told Misato? I glance at him.

"Hey, why are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be at HQ?"

"Don't worry. I've called in sick. No one knows."

"Oh–well. Good, don't tell anyone or–"

"Or you'll chop my head off, I know." He snatches a mug from the table and starts blowing on his tea. Is it me or does he sound annoyed?

"Uhm–yeah, something like that."

I try not to let on how relieved I feel that he didn't rat me out. The last thing I need now is for Misato to find out that I've passed out. I simply can't afford anything that could make her reconsider. My stomach makes itself notice again. I sit down next to him and begin to slurp. The salty hot broth immediately makes me feel better.

"You didn't have to– you know– stay here all day playing nurse," I say in between sips.

"Oh ok, that's good to know. Next time I'll just leave you lying on my doorstep, then." He says and again there's this hint of annoyance in his voice. I feel a tang of hurt. He doesn't seem too happy to see me. Then again I've pretty much crashed his whole day so it's not that surprising even for Shinji. He'll get over it.

"Very funny," I say. "Evangelion pilot, nurse, and a comedian. You're quite the multi-tasker, Third."

"I mean it, I was really worried."

"Yeah, that wasn't exactly part of the plan."

"Was calling me a prick part of the plan?"

"Kind of–"

"I see," he says, now sounding hurt.

"Hey, I never said it was a good plan, okay?"

We just sit there for a while, me finishing up my soup and him...just being there. It's weird having him so close, but I don't know what to say. So I just eat, trying not to look at him. He doesn't seem to mind, but I don't think he's super comfortable either. I'm still hungry when I'm done, but I don't want to ask for more. I didn't come here to eat, anyway.

"You didn't answer my message," I say.

"Huh?"

"My message, Idiot. I wrote to you and you didn't answer so I came by to tell you that this is not how this is gonna work. When the great Asuka Soryu Langley graces you with her attention, you're to answer." I wait for a reaction but he just stares at his feet. I take a closer look at him. He still looks pale. His eyes are sunken and rimmed with red. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. "You look like shit by the way. Are you sick or something?"

"I— I guess I just didn't get much sleep lately. That's all." He looks up and there's that smirk again. Lier. "I'm fine."

"I see." I say "Well in that case I'm glad you just didn't want to talk to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, whatever." I can feel frustration boiling up again. This is going nowhere. Maybe I need a new approach. Which is perfect, actually because it'll let me check on a hunch I've been having. He's always so secretive about his private life, and I've seen his schedule, he still has a ton of free time and there's no way he's taking this university thing seriously. So the question is; What does Shinji Ikari do in all of this free time? He's famous after all and well– he's not that bad looking, kinda cute sometimes. A lesser female could fall for that. Maybe the reason he didn't reply to my nightly message has nothing to do with me but with someone else.

"Nice place, Ikari," I say and lean forward. "So, does your girlfriend live here with you?"

He coughs "My—my what?"

Something bitter-sweet runs over my back. At least some things haven't changed.

"Oh come on, look at this place. There's no way you're living here alone. It's way too tasteful for someone like you—and the video game console? Lack of sleep?" I grin. "You can't fool a girl's intuition, Ikari. There's definitely someone." His cheeks turn crimson and my grin grows to predatory proportions.

"Aww look at you. Hero Shinji got himself a little girlfriend."

"No, I don't have a girlfriend."

"Boyfriend then?''

"What? No!"

"Don't be bashful, Romeo, I won't tell anyone." I lean forward some more. "Spit it out, who's your special someone? Is she cute? It's not Ayanami is it?" The mug in Shinji's hand falls to the ground bursting into pieces and I immediately know that I've made a big mistake. Why did I have to mention her of all people?

"Sorry," he mutters, his voice distant. He stands up abruptly and heads for the kitchen. My chest ties up and I feel the headache flare up again, sending small stabs from my damaged eye right through my skull. I'm such an idiot, I should've known better than to speak that name. I knew there was a reason no one talked about her. I knew there was a reason he didn't talk about her. I just didn't want to see it. Shinji comes back a few moments later with a kitchen towel and begins to clean up the mess.

"She's gone, isn't she?" I ask almost carefully as if it'll make a difference now. I've already stepped onto the landmine. All I can do now is to gather the pieces.

He pauses, then nods slowly.

"I'm– I'm sorry," I say not knowing what else I could possibly say. A part of me already knew that she didn't make it but hearing it now–I don't know– I hated her with all my heart. I wanted her gone but not like this–not dead. I want to ask how it happened but Shinji gets ahead of me, his eyes stay fixed on the stained floor.

"No you're not," he says, calm, but I can almost feel the coldness emanating from him. "You didn't even know her."

See? You're not even fooling him. Sure you wanted her dead. Because he was more interested in a lifeless doll than in you. Everyone was. Lifeless but not useless, see the difference? It really should've been you not her… everyone would've been happier… especially him…

Suddenly I feel sick. I mumble something about having to use the bathroom and the next thing I know my hands are clenching around the ceramic. I should've brought my pills. No! I shouldn't have come here in the first place. It was so stupid. I exhale. So stupid! I shouldn't even be here.

And now look at this mess. Ayanami is dead and Shinji didn't even bother to tell me. Why didn't he tell me? You know why…

Another surge of pain. I press my palm hard against my damaged eye. Half blind and clumsily I rip the medicine cabinet open and begin to ransack through its insides in hopes of finding something that'll get me over the attack. Items clatter into the sink. Finally, I pull out a pack of painkillers. I swallow a handful with some water. Another hand of water goes in my face and then I press the towel into my eyes until I feel the arteries in my brain widen. I carefully open my good eye to test the waters. The pain is still there but not as biting anymore. I think I'll manage from here. I exhale again. I need to get out of here. Now.

Sorry Ayanami, I just can't deal with you right now. But it's not like you would've cared, right? And Shinji? He had no intention of writing back or telling me what's wrong with him. He doesn't even want me here. He doesn't care about me at all.

Then why did he help you recover? Who knows, maybe he gets off on girls in the hospital beds. I'm not sticking around to find out.

I begin to sort the clattered items back into the cabinet when my gaze gets stuck on a blister pack with small, white pills and a very familiar label. I need to stare at it for a moment before the information registers. "Liar," I mumble.

AN:

There are some changes to the previous chapters to fit better into the current draft. Nothing major but a few parts might be confusing if you're coming from the old version. Seeing it now, the story would probably need a complete rewrite but I'm pretty busy with life so yeah, make of it what you like…

For now, I'm trying to get back into a reasonable release schedule.