If there's one thing I'm familiar with it's anger. It's been with me for as long as I can remember, watching my back, and I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I'm still alive—out of sheer spite for the universe which has been nothing but a complete asshole. I don't even know why but right now I'm not angry. I'm furious. I storm back into the living room, blister pack in hand, my pulse roaring in my ears. Shinji looks up like a deer in front of a freight train.

"I'm fine, eh?" I say, fuming with anger. "Funny, somehow you forgot to mention the anxiety meds." He looks at the pack in my hand and then back to me, his eyes narrowing. I can feel him tense up.

"You're going through my stuff now?" His voice is low, and controlled, but with a dangerous edge to it.

"Don't play dumb," I say. "Explain this to me. Right. Now!"

"I had a bad day," he says, holding my gaze. "A few weeks before you woke up, that's all. I don't even need them anymore."

"A bad day? A bad—are you kidding me? They don't give you these just because of a bad day."

"I've already said it's nothing. Why are you so upset?" His voice cracks a little.

"Because you're a liar! You lied to me! You're obviously not okay. And Ayanami? Your dad? This— " I fling the pack at his chest. "You—You should've told me. We spent so much time together and you haven't told me anything! Why?" I expect him to back away and fold like a paper but instead, I find anger in his eyes.

"Because it's none of your business." he snaps, his voice so sharp it makes me flinch. "What do you want to hear from me? That I can't sleep? That all the people I care about are dead or hurt? That I'm sorry? Why do you care all of a sudden? Why are you even here? Did Misato send you to spy on me, or do you just want to hurt me?" His words hang heavy in the air, surprise flickering briefly in his eyes, then regret.

"Asshole," I mutter and burst out of the living room.

"Asuka, Wait." I hear him call but I definitely won't. I shove the front door open, take a left, then rush down a flight of stairs. Wait—this isn't the way I came from. I'm in some random hallway, staring at an iron gate at the end that seems to lead outside. Footsteps sound behind me, and before I can react, someone grabs my shoulder.

"Asuka, I'm sorry," Shinji says

"Don't fucking touch me," I whip my elbow back, connecting with something solid. I hear him grunt as I take off, jogging down the hallway, through the gate. Sunshine blasts my eye and I realize I'm barefoot as sharp gravel digs into my feet. I push forward, but after a few more painful steps, I have to stop. Up ahead, the path splits. To the left, it slopes down towards the lake. More gravel—great. To the right, a couple of wooden planks lead up to a tiny playground with a rusty swing set and a half-broken climbing frame.

I walk up the planks and let myself down on one of the swings, trying to make sense of the mess in my head. I sit there, barely moving, the chains creaking with every lazy back-and-forth. Why couldn't I just mind my own business? 'He doesn't talk and I don't care'. That was the unspoken rule and it worked. Why couldn't I just leave it at that? It's not like I don't have enough problems already. I don't need this! I don't need him! Frustrated, I dig my toes into the warm sand. The playground sits a little higher up, so I can see the lake spread out below. On any other day, I'd probably think it was beautiful—the way the sun sparkles on the water, the green mountains in the distance. But right now, it just feels like noise. I close my eye and let the last bits of sunlight warm my face. I don't know how much time has passed until I hear Shinji coming up the steps.

"Leave me alone," I say. He doesn't. The chains squeak as he lets himself down, next to me. For a second, I wish I were a character in one of my TV dramas. They always know what to say, even when everything's a mess. There will be some misunderstanding, and then a heartbreaking apology with big hugs and kisses. Not that I want hugs and kisses but I don't want what's coming either. It's going to be messy, for sure. I brace myself, waiting for Shinji to say he's sorry so I can blow up on him—but instead, he just sits there, quiet.

"You know, you could've just told me that you don't wanna talk." I finally say. "I wouldn't have bothered you."

"It's not like that," Shinji says, his voice softer now "I—".

"Oh please… It's not like that. What kind of stupid response is that?" I sneer, frustration dripping from my voice. "I don't understand you, Ikari. I don't understand you at all. Explain something to me. Why'd you show up at the hospital? I mean, I didn't ask for your help, and it's pretty obvious you can't stand me so why'd you do it, huh? Why'd you show up?"

His eyes remain fixed on the lake and he slowly shakes his head. A flicker in the corner of my eye throws me off. I catch a glimpse of a shadow, just at the edge of the playground. It's gone before I can really see it. I massage my eye with the palm of my hand.

"What, you can't even answer a simple question like that?" I scoff. The worst thing about all of this is that I should've known better. How many times do I have to fall for the same trap? People will be people and people will disappoint me. That's the way of the universe, Soryus' second law. I just thought after all that happened– I don't know what I've thought. Whatever it was, it was stupid of me and now I have to deal with the fallout.

"You know what? Screw you. Go fuck off to being famous or whatever and leave me alone. I'm done with you. That's what you want right?"

His eyes flicker, and his lips press into a thin line. Then he lets out a deep sigh. "It—," his face twists like he's reliving a nightmare. Suddenly I don't want an answer anymore but it's too late.

"It was my fault," he says. "What happened to you– it was my fault. Toji, Kaworu—you—it's all my fault."

I blink. What's he talking about? I get why he feels responsible for Toji, but me? How does that make any sense? As far as I know, Unit-01 was stuck in bakelite. It's a miracle they got Unit-01 out at all. And who the hell's Kaworu?

"What are you even talking about?" I say. Shinji stays quiet again like he needs to build himself up before he can speak. When he does his voice is empty and cold. His right clenches as he tells about the seventeenth angel. I shiver. God, I didn't know. Of course, you didn't. You never cared to ask. Afterward, he was lost and alone and so very angry. There was no one he could turn to, no place to go, and when the JSSDF attacked, he huddled into some corner and waited for someone to end it all. He heard me fight, heard me scream...

"I told myself that there was nothing I could've done," he says. "But the truth is–I didn't even try. I couldn't bring myself to move. I just wanted it to be over and then—it—it was too late—you were already— I'm so sorry, I'm— " He falls silent for a while then shakes his head and scoffs. "It's not even the worst thing I've done." A part of me wants to hear it. His worst. Every single detail of how he ripped the JSSDF forces into bloody shreds, but the horror in his wide eyes keeps my mouth shut.

He doesn't remember much after that, only that he found himself wandering aimlessly through a gutted city. He ended up on a cliff in the nowhere, unsure how he got there, too scared to take a step forward, and too done with everything to go back. Instead, he sat and waited. Could've been hours or weeks, he can't tell anymore. Eventually, Section Two picked him up and brought him back. NERV wasn't done with him but at that point, he didn't care anymore. He just swallowed what they gave him and did what he was told. Then I woke up…

I let out a shaky breath I didn't even know I was holding and my stomach twists into a knot from– disappointment? Maybe. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Only that it hurts. I hop off the swing and take a few steps. The sun is now slowly vanishing behind the mountains casting everything into a red glow. Even the water looks red. A few small boats bob about their day.

When I look back at Shinji he's slumped over, holding to the chains like he's the victim in all of this.

Flashes of him waving at reporters, him at the hospital, helping me, building me up, smiling at me. All a lie. I believe in you, then I play my role and try to survive. Liar. Fucking liar. I desperately try to find the anger from before but it's not there anymore. There's something hollow instead, more memory than real but it'll do for now. It has to.

"That's all it was to you?" I say and turn fully to face him."You've spent this whole time with me because you felt guilty? All that crap about believing in me—that was all so you could feel better about yourself?"

His head jerks up, his eyes widening in surprise.

"God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I fell for that. I actually thought you've changed, but you're still the same. I bet you felt really good, huh? Shinji the Invincible swooping in to rescue the messed-up damsel. That's what I am to you right? And now that you've got what you wanted from me you can't be bothered anymore."

"No, that's not true," His voice sounds almost desperate.

"Bullshit!" I spit out. "You're a goddamn liar. You act like you're such a good guy, but when someone sees through your fake act, you play the victim. 'Oh no, poor little Shinji, life is so hard for him!'" My voice drips with sarcasm. "You actually want me to feel sorry for you? Please. You're pathetic. All you care about is yourself. You're just like everyone else."

Suddenly he's standing, locking eyes with me. "Do you really think seeing you suffer has made me feel better? Of course, I feel guilty. I feel miserable. Every day, all the time. It doesn't matter what I do, it just won't go away. Every time I close my eyes, I– " He shakes his head, and I can see the exhaustion written all over his face. When he speaks again, his voice is quieter, like something's broken inside him. "It doesn't make a difference, helping you or not–I just–wanted to. You're my last friend and I didn't want to lose you, too. That's all. Maybe that was selfish. I don't know. "

My heart makes a jump and I almost want to reach out to him but I know better. Fool me once…
I scoff and cross my arms "We aren't friends, Ikari. Not by a mile."

His shoulders sag a little. "I know," he says quietly. "I just wish things could've been different."

"See? You're doing it again. You say these–these things and then you won't do anything. If you want things to be different then why do you keep running away from me?"

"Because being around you hurts, Asuka." No anger, no accusation, only endless exhaustion. "I know I deserve it but– I'm just so tired."

I see flashes of myself screaming, my face twisted in rage. More images come rushing in—more screaming, more hate, burning anything that dares to come close.

I slowly back away. What's wrong? Why are you so surprised? Took you like five minutes from waking up to being your old self again. Yeah, you've mellowed but why? Because you're terrified of being alone. If anything you're the selfish one here.

"I—"

At least he's trying. Putting up with you for months on end while you used him as your punching bag? That is more than anyone else would've done. So what if he did it out of guilt? At least he had the guts to own up to his mistakes. Not like you…

Do you want to hear a little secret? That angel–It never really invaded your mind. It simply showed you. That's all it took. A single peak into a fucking mirror.

No. You're lying.

Are you sure? Just look at you. You can't say a word right now because you're about to cry. You couldn't even say thank you when you had the chance to… and you call him pathetic?

I'm not that person. I'm not like this.

Yes, you are. The sooner you accept that the better. Why are you torturing yourself like that? He's standing right in front of you. Weak and waiting for you to destroy him. A few words will be enough. You know how to do this. If you're an expert on anything it's this. Go on. Obliterate him. He just gave you all the tools. He'll be gone from your life and out of your way.

No.

Why not? You have all the right to.

I—I don't want this.

But you don't know what you want. You don't even know why you're here.

I don't care. This is not what I want!

For a second, it's like something's gripping me, pulling me right out of my body. I shake my head, trying to snap out of it, my breath coming in quick, shallow bursts. Then it's gone. I'm still standing on the playground, in front of Shinji. I might not know what I want but I know that I can't just burst off again. I make a choice. Small steps.

Swallowing hard, I look at Shinji again. "Look, if you wanna sulk around, feeling guilty all day, go ahead. I really don't care." I say, trying to sound like my head isn't full of chaos right now. "Just know, I don't blame you for what happened to me."

His eyes widen. "Y—You don't?"

"No idiot I don't. And I could've told you sooner if you'd just opened your mouth for once."

"But—"

"But what?" I cut him off. "I'm a trained pilot. You're just–you're just some boy. Don't you get that? I shouldn't have needed your help in the first place. Honestly, I'd rather have died than be saved by you again, but here we are." I let out a breath. "I'm trying to be okay with that, but it's... hard. So maybe I said some stuff I didn't mean. And, I don't know... I'm sorry, I guess." The words feel heavy as they leave my mouth like I'm dragging them out, but at the same time, there's this weird sense of relief. Why is it so hard to say something that feels... good? When was the last time I let myself be this open with anyone? I can't even remember. And that just makes it more confusing. But to my surprise, I keep talking.

"I—I guess I wouldn't mind if things were different between us. Like—I don't know—like being friends or something." Shinji looks at me surprised as if he can't believe my words. I can hardly believe them myself. Be careful! If you let him he'll betray you. Just like the others. I sigh.

"But I'm seriously over your crap, Ikari, so let's make this easy. You can leave right now. Just go. Don't say a word. I promise I won't bother you anymore. No hard feelings. We'll be done with each other, and that'll be that." I hesitate, biting my lip before continuing. "Or—" I pause, trying to figure out how to say the rest. "Or we try to make this work somehow. Your choice. I'm good either way."

There's a long stretch of silence. Shinji's staring off like I'm not even here. I can tell he's thinking about it, trying to figure out if it's gonna be worth the trouble. And honestly, I can't think of a single reason why it would be. This is nuts. Completely insane.

"What—what do you want me to do?" He eventually says.

I blink at him, half-expecting him to say something else. "What do I want you to do?" I echo, almost laughing. "You're asking me?" I shake my head, crossing my arms tighter against my chest. "I don't know. Maybe start by not shutting down every time things get hard. Or stop acting like everything's your fault when it's not. That might be a good start. I mean, you're supposed to be the hero. Man up and show some goddamn initiative."

He looks down, his hands fidgeting at his sides, like he's trying to find something to do with them.

"You—you like video games, don't you? The people who lived here before left a bunch of their stuff when they got evacuated. There's a game console with a lot of games. Maybe we could—try it out?"

He looks so completely helpless and over his head that I can't help it. It's almost like someone's tugging at the corners of my mouth and I have to laugh. This is so messed up.

"Seriously? Video Games?"

"I—I don't know. Or I could show you around? It's really nice here."

"God this is exhausting," I mutter under my breath. "Why do I even bother with you?"

But I know why. I know exactly why I'm still standing here, still talking to him when I should've walked away hours ago. What I don't get is why he's still here. But... I'm glad he is. I don't know what I would've done if he'd walked away. My smile fades.

"Hey, are you really sure?" I say and search his face for any hint of doubt. "Last chance to change your mind. I mean it, Ikari. If we do this and you let me down, I'll never forgive you."

There's a slight change in Shinji, his shoulders square. "I won't let you down ever again," he says. "I swear." His words catch me off-guard. No one's ever made a promise like that to me before. It's almost too much to handle. For a split second, I feel like I might melt into a puddle. I force a smile and quickly turn away.

"C'mon," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. "Let's get out of here before I change my mind."

Of course, I know better than to believe promises like that. People say all kinds of stuff without actually meaning it and even if they do; I'm not naive enough to think that anybody could live up to such a promise. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. But I desperately want to believe that it's going to be different this time so I push the thought as far away as I can.

We wander around for a while, awkwardly chatting about random stuff. It's like we have to relearn how to talk to each other. Everything feels off. When the sun finally sets, I give him an awkward "later" and head for the bus stop, only to realize I've missed the last bus. I think about calling for Section Two, but I don't want to explain myself to a pissed-off agent. That's a surefire way to end up in some report. Sleeping on a bench is definitely not happening so, with my face burning, I ring on Shinji's door again.

He offers me his bed, which almost earns him a slap. "Obviously, I'll take the couch. What did you think?" He says with a look that makes me feel kind of childish. I mean, he's right—we've lived together before, so it's not a big deal, right? Still, borrowing his boxers and an old t-shirt for the night feels... weird.

When the apartment goes silent, I sneak into the bathroom and borrow some painkillers and one of the white pills. Shinji said he doesn't need them anymore so he probably won't miss a few. Then I finally sink into the bed, completely exhausted but–happy? With the meds, it's sometimes hard to tell but it's not a bad feeling. I focus on the fresh sheets smelling so familiar—like him—and try not to think about Ayanami.

Thump. I wake to a noise. There is someone in the room with me. I can feel it. A shadow watches me from the end of the bed. I'm frozen in place, unable to move, sweat pricking on my skin. The shadow stares down at me with glowing white eyes. I can feel panic rising. Move, move dammit or you're done. Thump. It now sits on my bedside. Hands reach for my throat. Something pushes against my mind. No! Get out of my head! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Complete me

I shoot up with my arms thrashing against an enemy that's not there. Moments pass until my breath steadies. Will every night be like this from now on? I slowly swing my legs out of the bed. There's a moment of confusion, then I remember. Right, I missed the bus, stayed over, no big deal. Still, I blush slightly at the realization that I'm wearing Shinji's boxers.

I crack my neck and take a quick peek at my phone—4:36. That's practically sleeping in although I don't really feel like it. My brain feels like scrambled eggs and the skin on my arm starts to crawl. I push myself out of bed and quickly change into yesterday's clothes Then I slip out of the room, careful not to make too much noise. I don't want to wake Shinji. I'm in dire need of a shower and my makeup bag and I don't want him to see me like this. I'll just text him later. It'll be the first test. God help him if he ignores me again. Then again, what would we even talk about? Something flutters in my chest.

There's a faint light coming from the other room. I stop in my tracks. Is Shinji still awake? Slowly, I tiptoe closer, peeking around the corner. He's sitting at his desk, hunched over, his face lit up by the pale glow of his laptop.

I just stand there, watching him for a minute, barely breathing. My mind starts to wander. What if he'd been more open with me, instead of acting like the invincible hero? Maybe it would've been easier to talk to him. Really talk. Or maybe… I don't know. Maybe I'd just mess it up anyway.

After a while, I start to feel awkward, so I clear my throat.

His head jerks up, eyes wide like I'm some kind of monster. Then he blinks, snapping back from wherever he was.

"Oh, hey," he mutters, rubbing his eyes. "I didn't expect you to be up so early."

"Couldn't sleep anymore." I raise an eyebrow." What about you? Did you stay up all night?"

"I guess," he says. "I have a lot of assignments to finish."

I shake my head. "You know, sleep is a thing. You should try it sometime. Bad things happen when you don't. Just saying."

"Bad things happen when I do." The way he says it makes me cringe a little, and I instantly get what he means. I want to say something—anything—but I stop myself. All it takes is one thoughtless comment from Shinji to the wrong person and I'm finished. If Misato catches even a hint of my sleeping problems she might start thinking I'm falling apart again. She has to know that I'm totally in control. I can't let her start doubting me, not even a little, because if she does, I could lose my last bit of hope.

I quickly point to the papers scattered across his desk. "Assignments? For your classes?" I scoff. "You're seriously going through with the whole university thing? You know you don't have to, right? I mean, with the compensation program, you're set for life."

Shinji shifts, glancing at his laptop. "Maybe, but it's not like I have anything better to do. The courses are online, so I don't have to actually go anywhere and …" He pauses, and I catch a faint blush creeping up his neck.

"Aaaand?"

"Nothing. Just forget it."

"Oh no, don't you dare do that again. Tell me. I wanna know."

He sighs. "This was so important to my father. Important enough that he was willing to sacrifice everything. I guess I want to understand why."

"Sorry, but your dad is kind of a douchebag," I say. "Not exactly the type of guy you should be trying to understand."

His jaw tightens, and there's this edge in his voice when he speaks. "My father is—was a lot of things, but at least he wasn't weak. Maybe—maybe there's something in all this that was worth it all. Maybe it could be used to help people." He looks at me, his eyes serious. "I don't want to feel useless anymore."

I stare at him, stunned for a second. Seriously? This guy has some nerves. He can still pilot an Evangelion. That's the freaking definition of useful. If he's useless, then what does that make me?

"You're an Evangelion pilot." I blurt out. "You literally saved billions of people. How can you say that you're useless?"

He shakes his head. "A lot of people died—"

I groan. "Yeah, so? People die all the time. Big deal," I huff, irritated. "You can't save everyone and most of 'em aren't even worth saving and you're definitely not gonna help people by becoming some sleep-deprived super nerd. That's just stupid."

He shoots me a glance, the corner of his mouth twitching like he's holding back a snarky reply. "Sure. Whatever." He says, then he's back behind his laptop and I immediately regret my words. I clench my fists, my stomach twisting. Why do I always do this? This is exactly what he meant—being around me hurts people. I hurt people. And for what? No reason, just—because. I need to stop being such a jerk. I need to fix this.

I move closer to his desk, standing next to him. "Hey, I didn't mean to–I mean– Look." I take a deep breath. This is gonna be harder than I thought. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that."

Shinji sighs and closes the laptop. "No, you're right. It's stupid—I'm stupid. I don't understand any of this. I'll never make it."

And just like that, I feel sorry for him. Damn puppy eyes.

"You're not stupid," I say, almost surprised at how soft my voice suddenly sounds. "You're just an idiot."

"Is there a difference?"

"Totally. Idiots don't know when to ask for help." I nudge him. "Scoot over and let me see. First-semester stuff can't be that bad."

Shinji hesitantly moves to the edge of his chair, and I squeeze in next to him, our shoulders brushing while I glance over the mess of notes and scribbles.

"So, what's the problem?" I say.

He points to a messy set of equations on one paper. "I already calculated this part, but then I saw that weird symbol, looked it up, and the definition just led to more weird symbols. I don't even know where to start."

"Hm." I flip between the pages and peek at his notes, trying to make sense of it all. I turn the pages back and forth a couple more times before leaning back and sigh. "Uh-hum."

"You—you understand this?" There's a flicker of hope in Shinji's eyes.

"Yeah—no." I cross my arms. "I mean, those look like differential equations, but the rest–" I shrug. "No clue."

"B—But you have a physics degree…"

My cheeks flush a little. "Well, not technically a finished degree. More like I took a bunch of courses. I got deployed to Japan before I could actually finish my thesis."

His head drops onto the table. "Then it's hopeless."

I give his shoulder a light punch. Old habits…

"What did you think university would be like?"

"I don't know—like school?"

"Well, newsflash—it's not. This concept might be new to you, Golden Boy, but university takes work. You can't just waltz in and expect everything to be handed to you. Even I had to work really hard and I'm a proper genius."

He looks even more discouraged now. Great genius I am, I've officially managed to make things worse again. I'm just not good at being a cheerleader for others. I'm more of a push harder, yell louder kind of person and I'm not even sure I'm good at that. But I can tell this really means something to him and seeing how down he is; I have to at least try.

"You called in sick yesterday, right?" I say.

Shinji nods.

"Call in sick again. They don't start asking questions until after three days."

"But—" He still looks skeptical.

"No buts. I'm gonna head over to Misato's and freshen up. I'll be back for breakfast. I wouldn't mind something proper—eggs and toast or something. No soup, 'kay? We'll eat and then I'll help you figure out your assignment."

"You—you will?"

"'Course. We promised, didn't we? We won't let each other down again."

"Well, I promised you just—"

"You want my help or not?"

He nods quickly.

"Good. Eggs and toast. Make it a lot. I'm starving." I stand and turn to leave but something lets me pause. If I want things to change, I've got to put in some effort too and at some point, I'm going to have to take a risk.

"Hey," I say "That sleeping thing—is that—is that because of me?"

He turns away and shrugs. "Some of it."

I hesitate, then push forward. "Well, if you ever wanna talk about it—I'll listen."

There's a thin smile, and then a barely-there, "Thanks." I see the shimmer in his eyes, and that's my cue to leave for real this time. I can't handle seeing people cry, and I don't trust myself not to join in. The day I let him see me cry will be the end of me.

The sun's already up when I come back. Shinji has prepared a whole spread of snacks–some fruit, small omelet rolls, and a lot of sandwiches. We decide to head down to the lake and set up shop on a big blanket, right down the fine-pebbled beach. Shinji's totally clueless about the most basic fundamentals when it comes to math and physics, so we have to basically start from scratch. It's crazy how he thought he could figure this stuff out on his own. But I have to admit that he's a fast learner. Scary fast, actually. Almost as fast as he loses confidence in himself. Keeping him from giving up is harder than the actual math. We eventually manage to figure out the first part of the first question, and I can't help but feel a bit proud. Shinji still looks miserable, though.

"Small steps, remember?" I say, leaning back, listening to the rhythmic sound of water washing up the beach. It really is beautiful here.

AN:

Big thanks to Akomis who was so kind to give me a lot of feedback on this. If you like this story definitely check out their stuff (you'll find them in my favorites list)

Constructive criticism is always welcome. It's the only way to improve so let me know if things don't work or read strange etc.