An Android Meets A Pervert
The sun was hanging lazily in the sky, casting long shadows across the park where Naruto sat perched on a bench, her legs crossed in a decidedly unladylike manner. Her neck-length white hair, shimmering under the sunlight, swayed slightly in the gentle breeze. She was dressed in an outfit that looked like it came straight out of a gothic fashion catalog—a frilly black dress paired with long black gloves that reached up to her elbows, and black high heels that clicked ominously against the wooden bench whenever she shifted her feet. Her glowing sapphire eyes were focused on absolutely nothing, just staring blankly into the distance as if she were contemplating the meaning of life. Or maybe she was just really, really bored.
Naruto's body, made of sturdy wood and gears—because, why not?—was stiff, her robotic joints occasionally emitting a soft creak. Despite her unconventional appearance, Naruto wasn't concerned with standing out. In fact, she didn't even seem to notice how peculiar she looked. She was too busy waiting for her new tutor, whom Kakashi had promised would help her prepare for her upcoming match against Gaara. And when Naruto had asked for more details, Kakashi had just waved her off, saying something about the guy being "very experienced" and "totally reliable." Typical Kakashi, she thought, always vague and mysterious.
"Why not teach me yourself?" She had asked. "I understand that you are not a great shinobi, but…" Naruto had actually said this. "Please, I am nothing without 2B…"
He had ruffled her hair. "You are more than just a…uh, 2B. You are Naruto Uzumaki, the Future Hokage. As for your question, I need to teach Sasuke a new jutsu and some Sharingan tricks."
"Okay?"
"I'll arrange you a good tutor, he is very reliable."
As she waited, something caught her attention from behind. She didn't bother to turn around right away, instead tilting her head ever so slightly to the right, her expression as blank as ever. She finally turned and saw… a rock. Well, a very odd, rectangular-shaped rock with two perfectly round holes in it, as if it were trying—and failing miserably—to blend in with its surroundings.
Naruto blinked, her brain trying to process the logic behind this unusual rock. "Interesting," she muttered to herself in that strange monotone voice of hers. "Such a unique stone—"
"Attack!"
Before Naruto could react, the rock erupted with a loud 'pop', sending purple smoke billowing into the air. It engulfed her instantly, shrouding everything in a thick, acrid haze. Naruto's body stood rigid in the midst of the chaos, her face as expressionless as ever, though her mind was racing—well, as much as a mind like her could could race.
Out of the smoky cloud leapt three small figures, their silhouettes barely visible through the haze. It was none other than the infamous Konohamaru Corps, each of them wielding what appeared to be… random household objects? Konohamaru, brandishing a broomstick like it was a legendary sword, charged at Naruto with all the might of a small child on a sugar high. Moegi, armed with a wooden spoon, swung it with surprising determination, while Udon, struggling to keep his oversized glasses on his nose, waved a roll of toilet paper in a rather non-threatening manner.
"That's what you get for being my enemy!" Konohamaru declared triumphantly as he brought the broomstick down, smashing it against what he thought was Naruto's face. The purple smoke cleared just in time for him to see the aftermath of their "vicious" attack.
But instead of Naruto lying defeated on the ground, there was Ebisu-sensei—Konohamaru's unfortunate tutor. He was sprawled out flat on his back, unconscious, his glasses hanging off one ear, and his once neatly pressed outfit now in complete disarray. His eyes were wide open but completely unfocused, staring up at the sky with the kind of expression one has after a really, really bad day.
"Ebisu-sensei!" Konohamaru gasped, dropping the broomstick in shock. Udon took a cautious step back, his face paling as he wiped his perpetually runny nose. Meanwhile, Moegi poked Ebisu's unmoving body with her spoon, her head tilted in curiosity.
"He's not moving," she noted matter-of-factly, giving Ebisu another prod for good measure. "Did we kill him?"
"I hope not," Udon mumbled, his voice quivering as he adjusted his glasses. "I don't want to go to jail…"
Konohamaru's eyes widened in horror as the realization of what they had done—or thought they had done—hit him. "That woman!" he fumed, pointing an accusing finger at the empty space where he assumed Naruto had been. "She made us kill—"
Before he could finish his sentence, a voice spoke up from directly behind him, causing all three of them to jump out of their skins. "You just killed my new teacher," Naruto stated, her tone flat and robotic, as if she were merely commenting on the weather. She was standing there, completely unscathed, her arms crossed over her chest and her expression. "What should I do now? He was supposed to teach me some stuff."
Konohamaru whipped around, his eyes as wide as saucers. "Wha—how are you still alive?! We… we attacked you!" he spluttered, his bravado quickly dissolving into confusion.
Naruto blinked slowly, her glowing sapphire eyes narrowing just a fraction. "I substituted with the nearest person when I sensed danger," she explained in a perfectly logical, though utterly emotionless, manner. She glanced down at the unconscious Ebisu. "He was in the way, so I made him take the hit."
Konohamaru gaped at her, trying to process the absurdity of the situation. "You—what?! You used my sensei as a meat shield?!"
Naruto shrugged. "It was the most logical course of action," she replied, as if this were the most natural thing in the world. "Now he's broken. What should I do?"
Before Konohamaru could respond, Udon spoke up hesitantly, his voice barely above a whisper. "Umm… can we fight later? Maybe we should… hide the body before someone sees us?"
Naruto blinked again, her robotic mind turning over the suggestion. "Oh, let's dump it in the hot springs," she suggested with a deadpan tone, as if that were the most reasonable solution.
"What?!" Moegi gasped, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head. "We can't just—dump him—like trash!"
Naruto tilted her head again, her voice taking on an eerily logical cadence. "It's the most efficient solution," she explained, her tone as monotonous as ever. "The hot springs are nearby, and the water will—hide the evidence. Plus, it's warm, so no one will notice that It's a dead body."
Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi exchanged horrified glances, their minds racing as they tried to comprehend the sheer absurdity of the situation they had found themselves in. But before any of them could protest, Naruto was already lifting Ebisu's limp body over her shoulder with robotic ease, her wooden joints creaking as she prepared to carry him off to the hot springs.
"Let's go," Naruto commanded, her voice flat but insistent. "We don't have much time."
The three young ninjas could only stare after her in stunned silence, utterly bewildered by the events that had just unfolded. As Naruto began marching toward the hot springs with Ebisu's unconscious form in tow, they realized with a sinking feeling that they were now accomplices in… whatever this was.
And so, with a mix of dread and resignation, the Konohamaru Corps followed their new "leader," silently praying that no one would catch them in the act.
Little did they know, this was just the beginning of what would undoubtedly be one of the strangest days of their life.
o—O—O
Naruto leaped over the high wooden wall of the hot springs with a fluid grace that seemed at odds with her robotic body. Her frilly black dress fluttered slightly in the air before she landed softly on the other side. She paused, her glowing sapphire eyes scanning the area cautiously. The steam from the hot water curled lazily upwards, casting an eerie mist over the empty bathhouse. It was completely deserted, which was both a blessing and a little bit disappointing. She had hoped for a bit more excitement—perhaps a grander audience to witness her grand plan of disposing of Ebisu's unconscious form.
On the other side of the wall, the Konohamaru Corps was frantically peering through the cracks in the wooden slats, their faces pressed against the wood, watching with bated breath.
"Do it quickly, Crazy Woman!" Konohamaru hissed, his voice barely above a whisper. "We don't want anyone to see us!"
Moegi and Udon nodded furiously in agreement, their eyes wide with a mixture of anticipation and terror. The last thing they wanted was to get caught dumping a body into the hot springs. Not exactly the kind of trouble they had in mind when they woke up that morning.
Naruto glanced over her shoulder at them, her expression as blank as ever. "Alright, alright," she murmured in her robotic monotone, lifting Ebisu's limp body higher with ease, her arms creaking under the weight. She walked slowly towards the edge of the hot spring, her high heels clicking against the stone path, ready to complete her task.
But just as she was about to drop Ebisu into the steamy water, something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head slightly, and her glowing eyes narrowed when she saw a white-haired man crouched suspiciously on the opposite side of the wall. His face was half-hidden by the wooden barrier, but it was obvious that he was intensely focused on something beyond it—something that had nothing to do with Ebisu's unfortunate condition.
Naruto tilted her head, her curiosity piqued. "What are you doing?" she asked in a flat tone, completely forgetting her original mission.
The man shushed her with a frantic wave of his hand, his voice a low whisper, "Quiet! I'm researching."
Naruto's head cocked to the side, confusion clear in her robotic movements. "Researching?" she repeated, her voice as lifeless as ever. "Peeping over a wall into a woman's bathhouse is research?"
The man's expression soured, and he shot her a glare over his shoulder. "It's not just peeping, you dumb robot! It's 'research'. For my novels! I'm gathering—eh…important data!"
Naruto's body straightened, her mind processing this information with mechanical precision. "So, peeping on women while they bathe is necessary… for writing novels?" she asked, her voice tinged with something that might have been skepticism, if she had any real emotions.
"Exactly!" the man snapped, clearly growing frustrated with the conversation. "You wouldn't understand the artistic struggle—the inspiration that can only come from observing these… holy treasures in their natural state!"
Naruto blinked slowly, processing his words in her robotic mind. "Holy treasures? What do you mean by—"
Before she could finish her question, a shriek of panic erupted from the other side of the wall, cutting her off.
"Who is it?!"
"Somebody is peeping on us?!"
"Get 'em!"
The Konohamaru Corps, who had been silently watching the exchange, suddenly panicked. Their eyes went wide, and without a second thought, they turned tail and ran, disappearing into the park as fast as their little legs could carry them. The last thing they wanted was to be caught in the middle of a scandal like this.
The white-haired man's face turned pale as a sheet as he realized the women inside the bathhouse were now fully aware of his presence. He quickly abandoned his post, ducking behind a nearby tree with the kind of speed that only comes from years of experience in avoiding angry mobs.
"Please!" he whispered frantically to Naruto, his voice trembling with desperation. "Save me! I'll do anything!"
Naruto blinked again, turning slowly to face the terrified man. "Why should I?" she asked, her voice as emotionless as ever. "You were the one peeping."
"Because!" the man stammered, his back pressed against the rough bark of the tree as if it could protect him. "I'm a great Shinobi! Yes, that's right! I'm very powerful—one of the best!"
Naruto's head tilted to the side again, her mechanical mind analyzing his claim. "Are you a good ninja teacher?" she asked, her tone as flat as ever, her glowing eyes unblinking. She was desperate to get strong on her own— even if she had to learn from a creepy old guy. "Can you train me for the Chunin Exams?"
The man blinked, momentarily thrown off by the simplicity of the question. "Huh? You don't know who I am? Behold—eh… no time for introductions!" he muttered, clearly flustered. "Yes, I am a great ninja teacher! Now, please, you have to help me!"
Naruto's face remained as expressionless as ever. "Dattebayo," she muttered to herself, her robotic mind whirring as she considered his plea.
Before she could respond, the sound of approaching footsteps filled the air, accompanied by the furious murmurs of the women who had been inside the bathhouse. The white-haired man pressed himself even flatter against the tree, his eyes wide with terror.
The women emerged from behind the wooden wall, each of them clad in nothing but towels, their faces flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and fury. They spotted Naruto first, standing calmly beside the hot springs with her white hair shining brightly in the sunlight.
One of the women stepped forward, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Was somebody here, sweetie?" she asked, her voice gentle despite the situation.
Naruto blinked up at the woman with her blank, doll-like expression. "I caught a pervert," she announced simply, her tone as monotonous as ever. She pointed with one gloved hand at Ebisu's unconscious form, which was still lying limp on the ground beside her.
The women blinked in surprise, their anger momentarily replaced with confusion. They looked down at the poor, unconscious man lying there, and a collective understanding dawned on their faces. With a nod of silent agreement, they advanced on the hapless man.
Before Ebisu even knew what was happening, he was grabbed by the women and dragged unceremoniously inside the bathhouse, his protests falling on deaf ears as they prepared to administer some well-deserved punishment.
The white-haired man peeked out from behind the tree, his eyes wide with shock and relief. "Thanks, sweetie," one of the women called over her shoulder as they disappeared back inside, leaving Naruto standing alone by the hot springs.
Naruto's expression didn't change, though she nodded ever so slightly in acknowledgment. "Dattebayo," she murmured, her voice as lifeless as ever.
With the immediate danger now passed, the white-haired man straightened up, brushing off his clothes with an air of feigned dignity. "Well, that was… interesting," he muttered, clearly still rattled by the close call.
Naruto turned to face him, her blank, glowing eyes locking onto his. "You're welcome," she stated simply, her robotic voice devoid of any inflection.
The man gave her a strange look, clearly unsure of what to make of her.
"Now, as for my payment, you are going to teach me everything you know for the chunin exams."
"What?! Me—"
"Unless you want me to call the women back."
The man rubbed his eyes. "Fiiiine! What's your name anyway?"
Naruto struck a 'cool' pose, starling the man. "The Future Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki." She smirked, although it was barely visible. "Dattebayo."
The man's eyes widened in shock but he quickly regained his compusre. "I am the great Toad Sa—"
But before he could say anything else, Naruto turned and began to walk away, her high heels clicking against the stone path as she moved with the mechanical precision of a wooden doll.
"Hey?! Don't you want to know my name?"
Naruto blinked. "Oh,"
The man coughed. "Behold! I am the student of the Sandaime Hokage, mentor of the Yondaime, the great Toad Sage from Mount Myoboku, the Super Pervert Jiraiya of the Sannin!"
A moment of silence, Jiraiya blinked. 'Did she get it?'
Naruto nodded. "Pervy Sage, I'll remember that." She began to walk away. "Meet me at the training ground seven in ten minutes. Don't be late. Dattebayo."
"Wait—?! The fuck?!"
As she walked, she couldn't help but wonder what other strange things awaited her in the month leading up to her match with Gaara. One thing was for sure—it was going to be an interesting.
Meanwhile, Jiraiya was getting really confused. "So…my godson is now my…goddaughter?" He sighed. "So sensei wasn't joking. Well…" he smirked. "She isn't a bombshell and is flat as a board. But it's better to have a girl around instead of a boy. Plus, I can always use her for my research assistance and Treasure Peeping Project." He giggled lecherously.
O—O—O
TBC