AN: I got inspired to write this when I caught an episode of Bleach a few days ago.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. This story is written with no profit in mind. I make no money from it. It isn't for sale or rent.

This story was inspired by the Ciaphas Cain novels written by Sandy Mitchell, which I do not own either.

Prologue: What the hell is a Shinigami?

Part 1

=RH=

Foreword:

There are many things written, even more stories told about the Winter War and the events that followed. Very few go into any detail about the events that led to that conflict and even then, they uniformly concentrate on Aizen, which while understandable, doesn't really give you a clear picture on what happened.

This account will be rather different. First, it will begin months before the traitors revealed themselves, and it will concentrate on the actions on one person in particular, Kurosaki Ichigo.

Considering his personality, many of you would wonder how I was able to get any accurate information. You might think that I spent ages interviewing his friends and acquaintances as well as using my own memories of our time spent together. While I did that too, just to confirm some facts, that's not what those accounts will be based on. You see, no matter how surprising it sounds, Ichigo started to write a kind of journal after he became a Captain.

While it's not unheard that some Nobles or even Captains do so, to set the record of their long lives straight, or simply make themselves look better, there is something unique about what Kurosaki wrote. You see, his journals are rather frank, showing a side of him that at best very few ever saw or knew it existed. The first time any of us met him, he appeared to be rather rude, introverted person, who cared only for the well being of his friends and little else beside.

Soon enough many saw him as a hero after he and the other Ryoka who invaded Seireitei stood against Aizen when his betrayal was revealed.

We all know what officially happened then. Some saw those strangers as threat, while others hailed them as heroes for exposing the treason, even if the later wasn't exactly true. In the aftermath, Ichigo continued aiding us Shinigami, both in the World of the Living and here in our very home. And his legend grew, with more and more people hailing him as a hero.

Well, that wasn't the case as far as he's concerned. You see, in his words, Ichigo never saw himself as a hero. At best a man who was repeatedly placed in impossible situations, where facing terrible odds was simply the better alternative. In many instance where people hailed him as a hero, he sees the whole thing as a misunderstanding, with him trying to find the best way to keep himself and his family in one piece in a world went mad. Further, and I'm sure that this will surprise you the most, more often than not, Ichigo saw himself as a coward and later, a fraud once his reputation started growing.

Impossible, some of you would say. If he was really such, the effects on his Spiritual Power would have been significant enough to see him die. That is a fair point, one that will be addressed by Ichigo's own words and those of his Zanpakuto… Which is another point making this account unique. There are very few people who had put on paper conversations with their Zanpakutos.

Once he knew about it, Ichigo ofter conversed with his own, and that is one of the reasons he managed to survive so long, though I'm getting ahead of myself.

Before anyone goes further in those journals, a few things must be made clear. First, Ichigo never bothered to date his entries, making it hard to put some of them in chronological order. The fact that he wrote the journal while jumping from even to event didn't help matter, so I've had to make same guessing on top of investigating with the people who knew him during his human life to make sure that those account will be correct.

Second, Ichigo merely glosses over events that he thought that didn't concern him, were unimportant or simply didn't know about. I'll be giving some context to events in his journal as I edit his account, before a censured version is published. The full contents will be available to Shinigami of Seated Officer level and above.

Needless to say, if anyone not authorized to read the accounts stumbles upon them, you'll be having a nice, long chat with Soi-Fon's little maniacs.

Don't bother running. I've placed a Kido on every copy of the journals that will check if you have the necessary clearance, note who you are and inform the ninjas, so spare everyone a bit of time and just surrender when they arrive, which should be now.

Captain Kuchiki Rukia

=RH=

It's a madhouse outside. The whole of Seireitei is out, celebrating the second full scale war that they had to fight ever since I became a Shinigami all those years ago. It was during this conflict that I had to leave what was left of my life behind and embrace my nature or see everything I hold dear die. Not to mention that by finally accepting the Captain's seat I increased my chances of remaining in one piece. (1)

Well, mostly.

Ah, fireworks. That brings me back. Those were simpler times, though I acutely remember that potentially deadly situations were dogging me ever then.

If someone is bored enough to read this, there is a rather good reason for me to start writing my memoirs now. It's all the people who see me as a selfless hero who is ready to sacrifice his life on the drop of a hat. It was bad enough during the months leading to the Winter War and it's been getting worse ever since then. After this conflict ended and the last of the mad Quinchi were put down, my reputation raised to ever more ridiculous proportions.

At least the whole show is keeping Zangetsu, my Zanpakuto, entertained. Not to mention my Hollow. (2) The damn nuisance has been cackling every time someone was mistaken enough to call me a hero, something that has been keeping him in high spirits for years. Yep, right now he's laughing as a maniac if anyone's wondering.

When I think about it, I can't help it but feel that I reached this position in life in a rather strange way. If I had to describe it… I have to say that it was a series of misunderstandings, me trying to somehow keep my hide intact while in the same time protecting my two little sisters, the unwanted attention of various powerful Shinigami, most of whom were maniacs (3) and finally, my strange knack for finding myself in situations that didn't leave me much in the acceptable choice department.

Do you have any idea how many times I've had to risk live and limb in order to save Seireitei? If that place ever fell, it would have had disastrous repercussions for the world of the living. Every. Single. Damn time. It was a choice between risking my life in the short term or almost certain death as two whole dimensions went to hell. In a few cases I mean it literally. (4) Then, there are the occasions in which my whole dimension was under direct threat, not to mention the less globally dangerous situations in which only my whole home town was threatened.

It's funny when you think about it. All I've ever done is ensure the long term survival of myself and my family. Oh, a few times I've risked my life to save friends, though there were usually special circumstances. Take that time just before the Winter War's final battle when I went to Hueko Mundo to save Inuoe.

While, no matter how irritating she could be, I was glad to get her out of that maniacs hands, because she was a friend, that wasn't the reason why I went. It was what would have happened if she was left in enemy hands for any longer than we could help it and even then it was almost too late. It was because of the way her power worked, which is pure bullshit in a world where a moderately powerful Shinigami can waste a city.

Inuoe could reject reality itself, though the she really used her power only to heal. Think about it. Reality rejection. As a mortal she was touching a realm of power which should be the playground of Gods. Needless to say, I was glad that she was a sweet, if sometimes irritating and a bit strange. She wasn't someone to abuse her power, which I was thankful for.

Now imagine what Aizen could do with such a power. The only reason we won was because of his arrogance in the end. I can think of more than a few ways in which he could have leveraged Inoue's gift to increase either his own raw power, that of his Espada or even make more of the bastards. (5)

We barely won without the madmen springing up any additional surprises on us.

There was nothing either brave, honorable or sweet in my going there. It was a damn suicide mission, though doing anything but would have seen me dead for sure when Aizen had used Inoue's power for his benefit. It's good that he was already mad by that time and too sure of his own immortality to care. It would have been better if I knew that at the time so I wouldn't have to risk my life.

The point of this short rant is simple. I'm anything but a hero. I haven't been one ever since as a little boy I saw my mother being killed by a monster trying to protect me.

She was a hero. Died as one and by doing so, left us.

Oh, it took me years to rationalize her death and reach that conclusion. Though by my next contact with the world of the Shinigami, and no my neither my father, nor me seeing ghosts counts, I have made a certain decision.

Fuck bravery. It only gets you killed, leaving your family alone. It is much better to be alive and their for them. That said, it would be even better that they don't even suspect that you're a coward, because that would disappoint them.

Naturally, there are a few exceptions that are common sense. I reached that particular conclusion when I was eight or nine. I was going back from school when a bunch of older kids cornered me.

They had an issue with my orange hair, something that I inherited from mum. They naturally thought that I was coloring it to be different and didn't like that. At all. Even then, I had more sense than a lot of Shinigami and did the only smart thing.

I ran like hell.

It was unfortunate that they were as fast or faster than me. It took them some time, before someone tackled me from behind. I was already panting and out of breath, though that didn't stop them from kicking out the shit out of me. At least I did get a good hit or two thanks to the karate lessons I used to go on. Needless to say, that wasn't particularly useful if you're surrounded by a bunch of older and stronger kids.

I ended at one of Dad's hospital beds and with my little sister terrified for me. However, that incident was very useful. It made me learn and take to hear a few important truths.

You simply couldn't run away from every danger. Doing so would simply meant that you would be tired if, when it caught up to you. Sometimes, no matter how afraid you were, it was better to face danger, because simply running would be worse when it caught up to you. (6) Seeing my sisters cry over my bandaged form, made me make a promise for myself. I would do my best so they won't see me in such a state ever again. Trying to keep it, while keeping them safe from the Spirit world, lets just say that it was an interesting experience.

I think I went off topic here, though my rambling has something to do with it. The reason I started writing this journal in the first place, though I hope it won't really see the light of day while I'm living, is simple. I want to tell my side of the story, which accidentally doesn't have much in common with how everyone seems to perceive the events. I said that I got here largely because of a lot of misunderstandings for a reason. That has been true ever since I met the first Shinigami that introduced herself as such, Kuchiki Rukia.

I was fifteen at the time. I think. Or was it sixteen?

=RH=

It was just an ordinary after school afternoon. On the way home I took a short detour to see a ghost (7) I hanged out for a bit for the last week or so. She was a sweet little girl, my sisters age. While she looked disturbingly like an older, longer haired Karin, her personality was similar to that of Yuzu. Some imbecile had hit her as she was properly crossing the street on a green light and then ran away the bastard.

The kid had found herself back here a short time later, looking confused about the whole mess. Feeling sorry for her, I hanged out with her for a bit every day after school I even brought her flowers, something that brightened her day. I just placed new ones in the jar I used to keep them fresh and turned to say her goodbye, when a bunch of idiots passed by. A pair of skaters and two of their friends. One of the former, driving without a care in the world, bumped the glass bottle I used to keep the flowers fresh. Deliberately too, he was looking forward and unless he was blind or something, there was no way he managed to miss them.

That was all it took for the ghost girl to start crying.

I narrowed my eyes at the idiots and glared at them. Now that I paid attention, I recognized their kind. They were no different than the bastards that were attempting to make my life hell ever since I was a little kid, just because I had an orange hair. I scowled at them. After the first time I was beaten senseless by a bunch of bastards, I made a choice. While I was afraid by a repeat performance, it was made clear that just running away wasn't the answer.

They did catch me after all.

That put me in a bind. I was a scared kid, who had just received a rather painful lesson that simply running away wasn't always the answer. I had to find another way.

A few weeks later, when I was cornered again, this time by a pair of kids my age, I had an opportunity to do so. The last time I tried to run. This time I fought… and won, promptly arriving home with just a couple of bruises. It hurt, it was damn scary, but I was much better than the last time.

That was important, you see. Now I knew that in certain cases simply running away no matter how much I wanted, wasn't the correct answer, even if it would be my hones to go response in most dangerous situations. When the next day I met again the pair I beat up the previous night and they simply ran away when seeing me, that made me take a rather different path I might have otherwise taken.

In the following years I build up a reputation. Getting away from groups that were too big to handle, kicking the assess of everyone else that had an issue with me… Eventually I met Chad and when we were together, none of the local idiots and gang members could stand against us.

In hindsight, I had a rather warped view of the world at the time, one which to an extent still colors my decisions even now. (8) All I'll say about that is if I knew better, I would have been dealing with the most powerful Shinigami in a rather different matter. Then again, perhaps not. I was a teen at the time, which explains a lot.

Perhaps I shouldn't have started writing this journal tonight. All the fireworks and cheering outside my office is getting on my nerves. While I do feel a relief that this war is over an I managed to survive it reasonable intact, that's not really a reason to party given what was lost.

Now back to the past. Actually writing this helps me forger what happened lately.

So I was on that street corner, glaring at the quartet of rude teens.

"The hell did you think you were doing?!" I growled at the idiot that ran over the flowers.

Four identical glares pointed at my hair were all the answer I got. (9) My rational instinct to get the hell away and keep myself out of trouble flared up, before I squished it down again. It took me years to build up a reputation around my hometown that ensured that random idiots like these three won't try messing up with me. It often did the trick by itself lately with me needing to only occasionally beat up people. Which was great in itself, making it less likely that I go over my head and get my ass handled to myself.

This bunch obviously missed the memo. They weren't people I had to deal with in the past anyway, so that may be the reason why, not that it mattered. The skater who started the whole mess was closest to me, too busy glaring to consider me a threat. My scowl deepened and I decked the idiot, sending him stumbling between two of his buddies, before falling to the ground. Their apparent leader bristled at that and took a threatening step my way.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Treating one of my boys that way?!"

Gee. The way he was talking about was as if they were minions or something. Huh. Were these another bunch of gangsters? I thought that all of them in Karakura knew better by now. That was perhaps something I should look into. I really hated being blindsided. It often ended with dad having to treat me in the Clinic while a lot of idiots found their way in the hospital.

I answered the leader with a kick that connected with his chin and threw him back. All this time I was doing my best to look rather bored and irritated. There was nothing like showing people that they weren't any threat to you to make them think twice or attack in anger. In both cases I had the advantage.

When you knock out their leader with a single kick, they tend to assume the former.

So far so good. I increased the intensity of my scowl and pointed at the skater I decked earlier.

"You, the fool in the middle. What is wrong with this picture?!" I growled while pointing at the glass bottle.

A few moments later, they hastily apologized to ghost girl and dragged their leader away. I promised her to visit tomorrow evening and went home.

That would be my last happily clueless night.

=RH=

Next Afternoon,

Karakura Town

My first clue that something might be off was when arrived at the corner where the ghost girl was. Well, that was no longer the case. The corner was deserted, no sight of pedestrians or cars. No Ghost Girl either.

I actually considered that she had found a way to pass on and returned to one of the nearby main streets which lead towards home, minimizing the chance of getting into trouble. I've seldom wondered things would have gone differently if I went out to search for the girl and missing the first time I saw Rukia in action. Considering that while searching for another Hollow she ended in my bedroom that evening I would have to say no. (10)

I don't think that anyone would be surprised to learn that my desire to stay safe was unanswered. I was just around the corner when I heard a crashing sound. First I though that it was a car crash. Considering the hell that the old man would have heaped upon me if I was in the area and didn't go to check up for wounded, I headed that way. The Goat Chin was insufferable as it was, there was no need to give him actual reasons for being on my case.

That's how I walked into what appeared to be an explosion. Now, if it years later with terrorism across the world spiking up, I would have promptly turned around and gotten the hell away, you couldn't be sure if there wasn't another bomber of "gifts" left for the first responders as I saw it happen more than a few times on the news. What I thought actually happen was that the crash was followed by something exploding, which guaranteed the presence of wounded. No way I was running away now. Getting blown up would have been better than facing dad after leaving casualties behind without even checking. (11)

When the dust of the explosion started settling, I was frozen in my tacks. There wasn't a terrible accident complete with wounding and dying people.

Nope. It was worse. I could see the upper half of insectoid monster towering over the street lights.

"RUN!" Ghost Girl appeared from the dust and sprinted pass me.

Let me tell you, if it wasn't for her I would have stood there, frozen up and gotten myself eaten. Her shout kicked my flight reflex in a high gear and I dashed after her, running as fast as my legs could take me.

I had no intention of stopping until I was far, far away from this madness.

"What the hell is this?" I shouted at the girl while gaining on her. It was chasing her, after all.

"I don't know!" She squeaked with fright.

Then she stumbled and fell down.

For a moment I considered leaving her behind, better her than me you know? Being nice is all good, but when there are giant monsters out to eat people, it's every bloke for himself. Then it occurred to me if she had the same worldview, she wouldn't have shouted me to follow so I dismissed that idea. The kid deserved better because she didn't leave me behind as a bite like I just considered doing, when all she had to do was run past me. (12)

So I did the dumb thing and paused to pull her up. By then the monster was almost upon us, which meant that it might have caught up anyway. Unless I went on alone, saving my skin. All I could do at that moment was to mentally curse myself for trying to be nice. It only meant that we both were going to get eaten.

If anyone is wondering why I wasn't screaming my head out or cursing at my impending death, that's simple – I was mute with fear at the time.

Something black flew in front of my eyes and I kissed my existence goodbye, before it dawned to me that it was a rather large, black butterfly instead of a clawed appendage hell bent on gutting me.

Then I saw her for a first time. A slim, lithe figure wearing an old fashioned black kimono. She simply appeared in thin air and slashed the masked face of the monster with a sword of all things. It stumbled backwards, giving an eldrich roar of mixed pain and rage. I numbly noted the spray of all too human looking blood spraying from the corners of its mouth where the first strike had landed instead of higher up on the face as I thought. The girl landed lightly on her feet before us before making an impossible jump to reach the demon given flesh once again. A vertical flash followed and the monster's mask parted, followed by the rest of its head and its torso.

It managed to roar once again before simply dissolving in thin air.

I blinked a few times, not believing my eyes. Ghosts were one thing, but this?!

By the time I could think straight again, both the stranger in black and Ghost Girl were missing. Only a few debris strewn here and there betrayed that anything at all had happened.

=RH=

1. The first time Ichigo was offered a formal place in one of the Twelve was mere few weeks after Aizen's betrayal. He summary refused to even entertain the thought.

2. Yep, you read correct. Ichigo is one of the few know sane Shinigami who have successfully merged with a Hollow they're unfortunate enough to have as a part of their souls. The former Exiles are similar, though their… passengers were implanted instead of being more or less naturally occurring.

3. I can't say that I disagree. Mostly. At the time a lot of my colleagues were strange, getting more eccentric the higher up on the chain of command they were. Huh… Now that I think about it, the situation hasn't really changed much.

4. He is correct. If something happened with Seireitei, the World of the Living would be affected soon enough and it wouldn't be pretty. As far as the Hell Accidents as they are widely known, that was an utter mess…

5. Once I figured out what Inuoe could really do, I was disturbed, I freely admit it. If either the Captain-Commander or Central 46 knew, they would have ordered her death or capture for study.

6. I know, this is not something I would have agreed at the time. A lot of Shinigami would find it strange, especially those from the Eleventh. Now, after fighting in two wars, I can only say that there are times and places to fight and such in which it's more prudent to pull back so you can face the enemy another day.

7. Even since his mother was killed by a Hollow, Ichigo has been able to see Souls. That should tell you something about the amount of Reiatsu he got even at that age.

8. Those of us who saw Ichigo interact with the Captains and later the Captain-General could attest to that. Most sane or well adjusted people don't interact with such powerful beings the way he did. Or sane for that matter.

9. It took me some time to figure out that Ichigo was rather self conscious as far as his hair color goes. Undoubtedly, that's a consequences of all the fights he had been in thanks to people in the living world having a problem with it.

10. He's correct. I never really noticed him during hunting another Hollow earlier that day, though I did perform Konso on a female Soul matching his description soon after dealing with the target. By simply heading back home, he would have done nothing to prevent me from stumbling into his house in my search. It's not like I went there looking for the idiot.

11. Knowing his father both as Kurosaki Issin who I thought human at the time, much latter as a former and then reinstated Captain, I can say for sure that Ichigo isn't overreacting. Further, that's a rather plausible course of events he had constructed in his head, which is a stark contrast with the loud dullard he appeared to be when we first met.

12. I'm rather torn by this passage. There are a lot of similar situations in Ichigo's journals, where he does think about leaving someone behind or not saving them because its too dangerous for him. On one hand, in a lot of situations that is understandable. I think while we all were dealing with him in the beginning, we all overlooked his actual age. We Shinigami could look like a pre-higschool kid and have over a hundred years of experience in the military. Ichigo was as young as he looked. So is it that surprising that he often considered doing what's best for him? On the other hand he did a lot of heroic things, no matter his intention when going in a certain situation. That said, I don't think that it will be easy for many people to read these journals, because there are instances in which he did consider either abandoning, not helping or outright sacrificing people who have been considering him a friend for a long time now.

Captain Kuchiki Rukia