I have gone over several tomes of these diaries now, poring over years of entries, looking for clues as to what I have missed. The night is growing old, but I cannot sleep. Her Ladyship is right — she must be. Reason tells me she wouldn't make such an accusation without proof, and van Calox and the sister wouldn't go along if there was any sort of doubt. I shall also review the ship's logs.
It is a terrible blow. I just cannot bring myself to think of lady Theodora as a heretic. She had such a way about her, so regal, so noble! True, she avoided both chaplain and confessor, but many superior officers do, as they have more effective ways to exalt the Emperor than drag their knees over church floors. She was harsh, but no more than her station required. She did have a fondness for xeno-artefacts, yes, but this was quite within the rights granted to her by the Sacred Warrant of Trade. In truth, lady Theodora wasn't so different from many I've served under! She was more sympathetic than many an admiral to my openness, and if she was harsher to the rabble in her punishments… Ah, my brain! I need to make sense of this. Loyal servants of the Imperium should look and feel different from heretics, and now I feel as if I am walking in an inverted world, one where black is white and reason has become sanity.
There is work to do yet, much of it. When we came back from the manufactorum, I set out to get a proper report on the damage done to Kiava Gamma (Lady Theodora never acted in the demented way of the Fabricator-Censor). Now that the local noosphere is free from interference, our augurs and tech-priests have set to signal to whatever survivors and pockets of resistance they shall be able to find. Meanwhile, I have begun sending squads to secure and hold key objectives, but really my head was elsewhere all afternoon.
Surely, this Uralon the Cruel must have lied when he said the von Valancius blood is tainted! The traitor Kunrad could not open the Warrant Chamber during the uprising, despite him carrying dynastic blood, because of the stigma of Chaos, but lady Katov could, so she must be pure as the driven snow. I cannot remember lady Theodora ever going into the Chamber, but then she had no reason to. When she needed to be seen at service, the dynastic shrine was a much better option. The chaplain confided that, when lady Katov lead service from the Warrant Chamber, it was the first time in centuries this had been done.
The lord-captain says — said, when we had that disagreement over the treatment of strikes in the lower decks — that things need to change, that we need to create our own new traditions. Did she already know or suspect, at the time, lady Theodora's leanings? Or was it just the first time I was able to see, and judge, and feel, the difference of quality between their souls? Bound by habits, used to seeing the fruits of corruption, did my surprise and resentment stem from having worked too long under someone unworthy of command? Have I been corrupted in turn — is there a way to salvation for me? If there is, then it must lie in Her Ladyship's reign. The Emperor must have sent her to redress the wrongs of House von Valancius, after its two scions of Chaos brought it to the brink of ruin. Look at me, not a religious man, driven to superstitious thought like a voidsman of one-and-twenty — but it's hard to make sense of this otherwise. The Archenemy, it seems, has set their terrible sight to Her Ladyship's deeds, sending their terrible minion to attack her mind; worthy and mighty as a Rogue Trader of a ten-thousand year dynasty is, this attack can only have been driven by a wish to hurt the faithful and, doing this, hurt the God-Emperor. How I wish we could set out on a hunt for this Uralon! May he bite dust and be reminded the wicked always get their comeuppance! But the protectorate still needs to be unified and Her Ladyship needs to be sworn in on Dargonus. Then, with all the might of her line, she can right the wrongs and purge heretics wherever they are. I shall ask, perhaps, master van Calox's help in vetting all superior officers aboard the Emperor's Mercy; the lad may be Inquisition, but he is the closest thing we have on hand to a Master of Whispers, and his obvious affection for Her Ladyship may spur him to help us in our plight. Besides, he would still be doing his own lord's work. Jocasta Sauerback lacks the finesse required for such a task. Unless I am mistaken and van Calox is working Her Ladyship's favour for the Lord Inquisitor's sake, which would be a despicable thing. At her request, he debriefed her this afternoon. I wasn't told how it went, but all parties must have been satisfied or otherwise I would definitely have known of it. Her orderlies must be the first to be subjected to investigation — they all served lady Theodora.
Ah, this entry is going all over the place, I cannot keep the thread of my thoughts. I should be happy, I should be rejoicing with all those who got a second service of amasec tonight in the mess hall to celebrate the first step in retaking Kiava Gamma! I skipped dinner, so engrossed was I in my own archives — and I couldn't find the earlier ones. Perhaps I had them shipped to Dargonus at one point? One would think I'd remember it though, as I seldom send personal effects 'home'. Home is here on the Emperor's Mercy, ever since my beloved Quatarina passed and I found out dedicating my life to a noble cause alleviated the pain. Maybe that very dedication made me blind to lady Theodora's failings? The lord-captain said she was rich and cunning enough to hide her heresy to most, so perhaps I am not fully at fault. Still, lady Theodora never sold the Warrant of Trade to the Ruinous Powers, unlike what that rat of Kunrad wanted to do! Are there degrees in heresy? No, we are taught that all transgressions are equally horrendous in the God-Emperor's eyes. To even question it… Oh, Abelard, are you on a path to perdition.
An hour from now and I shall have to be on the bridge to relieve the night crew. There is no amount of recaf in the galaxy that will be able to make this bearable. I shall definitely ask for the official logs — compare them to my own, that are happily extensive. Ha, the perks of being a chatty old man in those pages! Perhaps, by finding discrepancies, I will find some clues about the late lady Theodora that will put my mind at rest. Even if I trust Her Ladyship's analysis, it is painful to admit I am not fully detached where the last decades of my life are concerned. If I unwittingly took part — aided and abetted — heretical doings, I shall feel better by knowing exactly how and why. While it will hurt to see for myself proof of Lady Theodora's misbehaviour, I need it, if only to be more vigilant in the future.
Ah, Throne damn it, Abelard. Just admit you can't face the fact that lady Theodora was anything else than upstanding. Go to bed, old fool, take a nap. There is a job to do, there is a lord-captain to serve. Your own feelings matter very little in the equation.