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AMAYA POV

He stayed with me. I hadn't expected it in all honesty, but at the same time, as soon as he met me part way and asked to stay instead, it was like I'd always known that would be the outcome. He was there for me. I should trust that by now. In all honesty, as I'd started to fall asleep, feeling him lay there against me, I felt a bit guilty. To still assume him as aloof and distant was a diss-service to the progress he had made. And he had already shown me that so many times. I had to start trusting it. Trusting him.

When we woke, it was a new day. And no sign of the weirdness from the night before lingered, well, other than our newfound information. And of course, the dark cloud hanging over Lae'zel. She did her best, as always, to simply get on with things, but we could all see the weight on her shoulders. Karlach took her on a patrol, and no doubt that helped – whether Lae'zel would ever admit it out loud or not, no one could deny the warmth of Karlach's presence. Literally and emotionally. But as the morning drew on, we packed our things, and began our final approach towards the city itself. A strange feeling, knowing that I was probably a local, and yet the turns in the road, the upcoming view of the start of the city boundaries, it was all utterly alien.

The sun was high by the time we reached the busy area just outside of town, filled with folks like us travelling from afar. Of course they were travelling for their own reasons; some to simply start a new life, some escaping their old one, but most in seeking refuge from the oncoming storm of the Absolute's army. We knew the ploy, we knew Baldur's Gate was as entangled in the Absolute's treachery as that army, but there was no point saying so to these people. What would it give them? Nowhere to run or hide, unless they managed to get on a boat that was heading further afield. No. We kept our heads down, with the intention of simply putting a stop to it all instead. That in itself filled my heart with pride. Not only did we intend to help these people, we intended to help the city, the locals, the refugees, everyone. Even the shitheads trying to gatekeep one of the most diverse cities on the face of Faerun.

Getting into the city was made a lot easier by the fact Gortash was keen to see us. Which of course was a little complicated by Karlach. Not that her feelings were unjust. I would have gladly joined her in skewering the sleazeball, but unfortunately he had power in a way that directly created obstacles. So while she seethed, we had to keep her separate. Which she understood. Even if her hands still itched for her axe. My friend was amazing in all honesty, holding her tongue, even enduring his sneer when it landed on her. All the while, she held her nerve. Because she knew we had to gain access to the city, we had work to do here, for the people as well as ourselves. I knew Gortash was only part of the puzzle – both on a personal level for Karlach, and the bigger level in terms of being a Chosen for the Absolute. But even so, standing before him, listening to him enjoy the sound of his own voice, it was weird. He was a chosen. A stand-in for a god, like Thorm had been. Bane. Tyranny was his domain as far as I knew, so as much as Gortash was playing the game with politicians and people for now, his sights lay on domination. He weaved words of working together. No doubt at the first opportunity he would turn and stab us in the–

His eyes landed on me. The sneer became a genuine smile, and a breathless laugh left him. My body jolted. I knew that laugh. From the recesses of my scattered mind, familiarity sparked. I knew that laugh. Soft, amused, warm compared to all that I had known before. What? Where the hells had that come from? He kept looking at me. The others did too. Especially Astarion and Karlach, their eyes searching me and hopefully finding my outright confusion plain as day. Did I know Gortash?

"It is so strange to see you out and about…" Gortash mused, stepping closer, tilting his head as his eyes scanned me.

I felt dirty. Filthy even. He knew me, and apparently I had known him? He frowned at my lack of response, those eyes narrowing and then popping wide in apparent concern. I would have assumed it to be a falsehood, but he looked genuinely worried. Don't tell me I had a real connection with this creep. Who the hell was I?

He shook his head. "So Orin was telling the truth for once. She really did scrub your mind clean, did she?"

I continued to not respond, my confusion choking me.

He sighed. "Pity. All the great things you were setting out to do, all the great ideas you had already had…"

"Soldier?" Karlach asked, voice thick as she kept her teeth girt.

I looked at her, pleadingly. "I-I have no idea."

Her expression softened, almost looking frightened. "Oh…"

Gortash chuckled. "Yes I'm afraid Karlach, as much as you object to my existence, I have history with your ally. We have shared much."

The insinuation was clear, but even with those recollections being so faint, I doubted the implication. No. That laugh had felt familiar, but not in an intimate sense. It wasn't him I had been held by. Clasped tight by. No. I felt that in my bones. The laugh had been a warm one, a small light amongst so much darkness, one of friendship. And brief.

I glared. "Don't bullshit. I have the vague notion of knowing you, but it feels brief even at that mere echo. My memories will return, one way or the other, so don't sow shit."

He blinked, and then he laughed. Only that time, it was cold, cruel and far more befitting that sneer that slithered back onto his pale lips. "No fooling you, huh? Even now, with your mind in tatters. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Indeed not, I shall sow no falsehoods with you. Our meetings were brief, but my gods they were impactful. After all, this whole show, this whole wonderful sordid situation in which we all stand upon the brink… was your idea."

It was my turn to blink. The whole group did a double take between me and the man before us, that sneer curling further in our stunned silence. My mind ached. Was it true? No. Surely not. Surely that kind of cruelty, that kind of malice wasn't within me. Then a shiver ran down my spine. Of course it was. I had been fighting such urges for so long now, biting them back with every bit of nerve I could muster. It had wanted Astarion's blood so badly he had to tie me up like a beast. Yes. Of course i had the capability for such a sordid idea… I was sickened to the base of my gut.

He chuckled again and shook his head. "To use the Absolute. To create it. To build our own empire from the blood of all those fools."

A shiver ripped through me and I staggered back, Gale holding me up, his arm steady against me. I tried to take a deep breath. But the air was so thin. Gortash just kept sneering. I hated him. I hated the past he knew of and now taunted me with.

Gale leaned in, speaking softly near my ear. "Try to look back on it. To understand what he means."

I looked up, terrified of what I might find. But Gale was smiling softly, almost in a paternal way. His hold tightened in a small squeeze. He had me. I had my allies. Right. Trust them, you fool, they might be confused, concerned even. But it won't be as simple as confirm it and we drop you. These people knew me. The current me, regardless of what my past held.

He nodded. "Your past is one thing, we know who you are now. If all my reading has taught me anything, it is that over the ages people can change, their wills alter, their intentions bloom or wither. Look back, Amne, look back and try to find some kernel of truth in amongst his snake-like words."

Gortash raised a brow. "Rude."

I nodded to Gale and leaned into his hold a little more, reaching back for that echo of the laughter of that small spark in the darkness. Of a friendship. I didn't find a scene specifically no, only a feeling. Stood in a small space, a cavern, coldness was all around and a lingering dark that still took my breath away even when only looking back from the present. And my heart. It had hammered so hard, my veins fizzing with something – panic? Fear? Desperation. Someone had to listen, someone had to see, get me out of here, get me out gods be damned! Words of plans, of desperate attempts to impress, to show my worth beyond a bloodied hall. Yes. Me. Pick me, take my hand and lead me from this awful place. Give me a glimpse of an open sky and I'll RUN. One chance is all I need. Just get me out. I shuddered and returned to the present, Gale all but holding me up entirely. Karlach stepped closer, her warmth welcomed as trembles wracked my frame.

Karlach eyed me. "What did you see, hun?"

"I said it." I nodded, eyes warming with tears as I considered all the pain that had rippled from my own need to escape. My own desperation to be free brought so much evil into this world. Breaths rattled in my lungs. "I think I… I was so desperate to escape I planned it, I suggested it all, to impress, to convince. Damn… I wanted out so badly I didn't care who I burned." My hand clamped over my mouth and my tears fell. "Sh-Shit. I did it. I said it. Nothing can excuse that, this is a-all because of me. My weakness."

Gortash wrinkled his nose. "This was a genius endeavour born from your greatness. Do not diminish that for the sake of–"

"Silence." Lae-Zel snarled, stepping between me and Gortash. "This woman, for all the things we do not know of her and she knows not of herself, is anything but weak and she will not be pandered to by your forked tongue. You will allow us to leave as agreed. Yes?"

He huffed a laugh. "Indeed, but consider my offer. Orin is no joke and she will kill you all, she will ruin this land for the sheer fun of it. That is her will. Her obsession. Work with me and end her mania."

"We will consider. But for now, we leave." Lae'zel signalled the others to move, and I was helped out by Gale on one arm and Shadowheart on the other. Astarion was ahead, scouting for any trickery, for any unsaid loopholes.

But soon enough we were out, into the city of Baldur's Gate proper, standing at the side of a busy street trying to gather our breath and our thoughts. I was propped against a sun-washed wall, and as I closed my eyes and faced towards that warmth, I just let the shivering in. Feel it. Know it. For all that I might have been driven by fear or desperation, I would not run from the fact that this scheme had at least been born from an idea of mine. Gortash, Ketheric and Orin were the ones who actually enacted it, but I had created it. Started it. And I would not excuse myself of that burden. I had one hell of a debt to pay.

"Soldier."

I flinched and looked at Karlach, looming before me, looking every bit the scared child I felt trembling within my frame. Karlach looked me over and shook her head. Words were there, I could see them and sense them on the end of her tongue, but she had no idea how to say them.

My arms wound round my middle. "Say it, Karlach. I've no right to do anything but hear you out. Be as brutal as you like, gods know I deserve it and more."

"Brutal?" She shook her head. "I was gonna ask how you're doin'."

"I…" My eyes dipped to the ground, to my feet. "Guilty."

"Look," she knelt before me, looking up with those beautiful eyes, and the barest hint of her warm smile. Her gaze flitted towards the gatehouse and then to me. "You didn't hide it. You didn't know it. I saw that as much as anyone else here, that you had no idea what the hells he was talking about before you went looking for it."

Thank the gods, or whatever was looking out for me, that they trusted me so well. My family.

She continued. "And you're scared of it, horrified by it. I can see that, hells I can feel it rolling off you. I hate Gortash with everything I have, because of who he is and what he has done. And even if you did have the deranged idea for this bullshit religion and all that's come after… That doesn't seem to be you now. That ain't the woman I've fought beside, who's defended me, helped me, dragged my ass back to safety and helped tend my wounds on the road. That ain't the woman that helped find infernal iron to mend my messed up heart."

"But I still said it."

"Mm. And you'll own that, atone for it, and be hellbent on making good on that from now on. I think myself and everyone else here knows that."

Shadowheart nodded. "I'd say I'm even a little worried about it."

"Huh?" I asked, a few tears escaping.

She shook her head. "You tend to be harsher on yourself than anyone else could be… And from an ex-shar worshipper that's saying something."

I looked at them all and only found steadfast belief, they weren't wavering, they weren't leaning away and looking for the quickest route in another direction. My friends. My allies. My family. And as my gaze landed on Astarion, I only found heartbreaking common ground, he looked pained in his understanding and gave a small nod before turning back to being on guard. We all had darkness. What mattered was how we now acted in the light.

We stayed in that spot a little longer, gathering ourselves while Shadowheart went with Lae'zel to find some supplies and an idea of what the people felt towards Gortash and such. In the meantime, I stayed by the wall. I focused on the warmth of the sun, letting it battle against that coldness from my memories. Astarion came to my side. He offered some water at first, not striking up a conversation at all until I leaned against him and propped my head against his shoulder.

He hummed. "How're you faring, Little One?"

"Getting there. You? You didn't say much before."

"Not out of judgement, I hope you know."

"Of course."

"I just…" He sighed. "Little One, I knew we had common ground, but I had no idea how much. To be trapped like that, so ruled by desperation and fear… I know it all too well. And as much as this whole mess supposedly coming from your spark of inspiration might chill the blood, it also makes a lot of sense to me. In the pit of despair we cling to whatever we can. And if you met Gortash, and saw a legitimate means of escape… No wonder you sought it out."

As much as I was glad to have his understanding, it also pained me to think he could so quickly empathise. To know he had that same fear. Same desperate need for freedom. It made me ache for his loneliness.

He clicked his tongue. "So while I do not condone it, and I do not dismiss the pain the Absolute has caused… I also do not blame you. Not for one moment."

Once again, my eyes were glued to the cobbles. "Everyone is being so damned kind."

"Kindness has nothing to do with it." He snapped, and when I peeked I saw a tight-set jaw and almost anger in his ruby eyes. He shook his head. "Not one bit, you hear me?"

"I hear you. But I don't understand."

He sighed and his expression softened again. "Like the others already said. That isn't who you are. Not out here in freedom, when you have been able to make your own choices and forge your own path. Under the thumb we are not acting on our own will, we are acting on our fears, on our base instincts to simply survive. Sure, it might have been more noble to simply die. But then where would we be? This group wouldn't have formed, all the people we have saved wouldn't have been helped, so much more bad would be in the world. For the sake of some noble sacrifice in a tomb somewhere? Bullshit. Utter shit to be scraped from ones shoe. You acted nobly when it mattered, when you were free to do whatever the hells you wanted. And you have inspired the rest of us to follow suit. So by all means atone for this crime, by all means seek to do even more of your blasted good from now on, but do not wallow."

My tears rolled.

I sniffed and bit my lip. "Ah yes, wallowing is bad for the complexion, right?"

He grinned and wiped the tears. "Indeed, my dear."

Thanks for reading!

Sweelise: I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I had so much fun writing this story after loving the game. It was great to just kind of swim in the idea and build up from there. I have really enjoyed getting to grips with Astarion as a character as well, it's been so good for flexing those characteristic muscles!