Update day! Thank you as ever to Hollie for your wonderful reviews! Enjoy!
The first two weeks of being new parents to Jamie had flown by. It seemed like he had always been there in their home and in their hearts. Callum had taken to fatherhood like a duck to water, and was always happy to change dirty nappies, or give Jamie his nightly bath and put him to bed. Jess was also impressed with how, if Jamie woke up crying during the night, Callum would get up and pass him to Jess to feed, and then make sure Jess had a drink and a snack. What she loved was listening to Callum chatting away to the baby about football or funny stories from the job, and once she even caught him singing a quiet lullaby. It was amazing how much fatherhood had opened Callum up, causing him to lose his insecurities about the instability of family life. He had his wife, his sister and her family, his in-laws, but now he had his son, who would love him no matter what he did.
In the week that followed Jess and Jamie's return from hospital, their home had been more like a halfway house, with people dropping in all through the day. Michelle came round every day, just for a tea with Jess and to see her grandson; Sally came over nearly every other day occasionally joined by Nate, Beth and Will, filling Jess and Callum in on all the gossip at the station, and bringing over more goodies for their godson; Claire, Brad and Lindsay had been in twice to meet the newest addition to their family, with Lindsay being ecstatic about having a little cousin of her own to play with and put makeup on; and they'd even had a visit from Andy and Mia, who had come home early from their holiday when they'd heard that their nephew had been born. It had been hectic and tiring and utterly exhausting, but the couple had quickly settled into a routine with Jamie.
It was Jess' turn to get up with the baby, and boy did she know it. Just after half past five in the morning, Jamie's wails began. Jess rubbed her eyes tiredly, smoothing her hair back before getting out of bed. She pulled her dressing gown tightly round her, slipping her feet into her fluffy slippers before going into the ensuite for a wee before going back to Jamie. She turned on the night light which cast red stars around the bedroom walls before stepping over to the crib next to her side of the bed. Jamie was wriggling around, the blanket Michelle knitted him bunched up round his face. Jess pulled it down, wrapping him in it and raising him up out of the crib into her arms. She walked slowly into the nursery, sat down heavily in the rocking chair and pulled down the top of her nightie so Jamie could feed.
As he latched on, she put her feet up on the footstool, rocking back and forth slowly. She'd nearly dozed off when Jamie finished, starting to cry again.
"Hey now, come on Jamie, don't cry." Jess said wearily. She placed him over her shoulder, gently running her hand up and down his back, winding him. His head lolled on her shoulder, and she couldn't help but laugh. She carefully held him up in front of her face, a rush of love for this tiny individual flooding her system. She settled him once again in her arms, rocking back and forth, watching as he wriggled to get himself comfy, before his eyes drifted shut. As his breathing evened out, she found her eye's getting heavier and heavier, and before she knew it, she too had given in to sleep.
Callum woke up just after seven in the morning. He had heard Jess get up to see to Jamie, but she hadn't come back to bed. He assumed she was in the nursery with him, probably asleep. He got up out of bed, stretching out before opening the curtains and blinds. London was slowly starting to come awake before him. He smiled before heading out the bedroom. He peeked into the nursery, seeing as he thought, that Jess had fallen asleep in the rocking chair again. He walked in, careful not to make any noise, and took the slumbering baby from Jess' arms. He planted a kiss on Jamie's forehead and carried him out the room, taking him downstairs.
Callum placed Jamie on the baby mat shaped like a monkey which their friends at the station had bought for them, making sure he was safe before going into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. As he looked at the calendar, he realised that it was the fourteenth of December. He couldn't believe it; the time had already passed so quickly! He also realised that his and Jess' first wedding anniversary had been and gone during the period when Robert had been ill and then died, and that they had completely missed it. He would take Jamie into town today and buy Jess a card and a present to belatedly celebrate it, and maybe get her something for Christmas as well while he was down there.
As he was thinking this through, he heard footsteps coming towards him. He looked through the kitchen door to the hallway to see Jess slowly making her way in.
"Good morning." she said, stifling a yawn, sitting down at the barstool.
"Morning darlin'. Coffee?" he asked her, pouring himself one.
"Yes please. Is Jamie still asleep?" she asked, wiping her eyes, receiving the cup of coffee gratefully.
"Yeah he is. Can you believe he's already two weeks old!" Callum exclaimed, sitting next to Jess.
"I know, it's crazy isn't it. Oh no..." Jess mumbled.
"What?" Callum asked.
"We missed our first wedding anniversary didn't we. I completely forgot, what with everything that happened with dad and then Jamie. I'm so sorry Callum." When Callum started to laugh she looked up at him curiously, "What's so funny?"
"I forgot as well. I was going to take Jamie out into town today to get you something." he admitted. Jess joined in his laughter, kissing him gently.
"We were going to go back to New York, do you remember?" Jess asked him quietly, reminiscing about their amazing time in the States.
"Yeah, that was the best honeymoon ever. We will go back one day, maybe when Jamie's a bit older." Callum promised, stroking her hand.
Once everyone was fed, washed and dressed, Callum said his goodbyes to Jess and bundled Jamie up in his pram. As he was about to leave, Jess came rushing out. She peered into the pram, checking that Jamie had on his snowsuit, and his hat, and his gloves, and that the blankets were tucked around him, and that the rainproof cover was over him properly, and that there was enough nappies and bottles...it got to the point where Callum had to drag Jess away otherwise they never would have got out the door. She waved them off, feeling at a loss of what to do.
Once the door was shut behind them, she walked slowly through the house, going from room to room, not really knowing what to do with herself. She eventually decided that she'd use this time to herself to have a nice long bath. She made her way back upstairs with another cup of coffee, setting it down on the white shelving unit next to the sink before running the hot water. While that was running, she walked into the bedroom, pulling herself out some of her pre-Jamie clothes.
She shucked out of her jogging bottoms, stepping out of them before holding up her favourite pair of slate grey jeans. She pulled one leg up, then the next, and slowly pulled them up her legs. She got past her knees, then to her thighs...and then she couldn't go any further. She yanked as hard as she could, but the damn things wouldn't budge. She breathed in, she lay down and tried to pull them up, but they just wouldn't go. She let go of them exasperatedly, a cry of frustration echoing around the room. She pulled them off, balled them up and threw them to the corner of the room. She stood up, took a deep breath and walked back into the bathroom. Stripping off the remains of her clothes, she slowly slipped into the silky water, feeling it caressing her skin. That was the best thing about water; it made her feel weightless.
"JESS? We're home!" Callum shouted as soon as he got in the door with the pram. The shopping trip had been successful; he'd managed to find her a card, some gorgeous drop pendant earrings with pearls in them for their anniversary, a Christmas card from him and one from Jamie, and he had also bought her a special Christmas gift; a weekend away in a log cabin, for the second weekend of January, and had spoken to Michelle who was happy to have Jamie for the weekend, if Jess wanted to go just them. He thought that Jess would appreciate it just being them again, as a couple, rather than them and Jamie as parents, but he wanted her to make the decision she was comfortable with. She'd enjoy the peace and quiet and the serenity of the cabin...he hoped. They'd been through so much the last few months, Jess deserved a break away from it all.
He placed his goodies in the cupboard under the stairs, ready for wrapping later, and slowly unbundled Jamie from the confines of the pram. He shoved the pram to the side in the hall, walking upstairs with the baby. He could hear soft music coming from the bathroom, so placed Jamie in his crib before making his way to the bathroom. Jess was laying still in the bath, her eyes closed, her hair piled up on top of her head. Callum frowned as he noticed how tired she looked. "Hey." Jess jumped, her eyes flying open.
"Jeez Callum, you scared me! How long have you been standing there?" she asked suspiciously.
"Not long. Jamie's asleep in his crib." Callum said, sitting on the spindly chair next to the bath.
"Good. Nice trip out?" she asked as she settled back in the water.
"Yeah, I saw Smithy and Mel on patrol down there...I'd watch Mel if I were you, she was threatening to take Jamie because he was so cute." Callum said with a grin. Jess smiled faintly.
"Get all the presents?" she asked.
"I did indeed. I think you're going to like them a lot." Callum said knowledgeably. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Jess turned to look at Callum. "What?"
"I'm getting out now." she said with a nod. Callum stood up and got her a towel, but she didn't take it.
"Come on, you don't need to be shy!" Callum said with a smile. Jess shook her head at him.
"Please Callum, can you go?" she asked him quietly. He frowned at her.
"Why? You're not embarrassed are you?" he wondered. Jess didn't say anything. "Oh come on Jess, you've only had a baby two weeks ago! So what if you don't look like you did before you had Jamie. You're beautiful. Who cares if you look a bit different?"
"I care." she murmured, turning away from him. Callum was shocked. He didn't know what to say to her. He thought she'd been ok, because obviously she'd been through it before when she'd had Luke. He wondered if she'd been like this then as well.
"Fine, I'll go and check on Jamie." he said gently, knowing that now wasn't the time to be talking to her about this. He would wait a few days, take note of her behaviour, and see if it was something he needed to talk to her about.
"Thank you." she whispered. She hated seeing the hurt in his eyes, but no way was she going to let him see her body. He wouldn't want to be with her if he'd seen the state of it. When she was sure he'd left the bathroom, she slowly reached across for the towel, wrapping it around her as soon as her body left the water. She dried herself quickly, not wanting to linger, and pulled on her old comfy jogging bottoms and a pale pink hoodie. She towel dried her hair, leaving it loose around her shoulders. Once she was done, she tidied the bathroom up, taking as long as possible, not wanting to see Callum just yet. She knew he'd want to talk to her about what she was "feeling", but she didn't want to. There was nothing wrong with her except for the fact that she couldn't bear to look at her body. And all new mums went through that, right?
But as she thought that, her mind jumped back to after she'd had Luke. She hadn't been like this then, in fact, she'd embraced her new figure, because it was a sign that she'd just had a baby, it showed that she was a mother.
She felt a tear drip down her face and didn't even know why she was crying. She shook her head, trying to get a grip. What she needed was some fresh air. Yes, that was it. She walked barefoot into her bedroom. She rooted around the bottom of the wardrobe, pulling out her running shoes. She hadn't been running in so long; not since she had found out she was pregnant with Jamie. She missed it. She pulled some socks on, then the shoes, then quickly tied her hair up. She made her way downstairs, and was just at the front door when she heard Callum come up behind her.
"Where are you going?" he asked softly.
She didn't turn to look at him as she replied, "Just out, maybe for a run."
"Can you go running so soon after the section?" he asked.
"I think so, I won't be gone long and I won't push it too hard." she said shortly.
"Do you want company? I can get Jamie and…" Callum was interrupted.
"No you stay here, it's cold out for him and he's sleeping. Let him sleep. I just need some fresh air, the bath was too hot." Jess said with a nod.
"Well it's cold out, and they reckon it's going to snow soon. Put your coat on yeah? And a scarf, hat and gloves." Callum pushed.
"I'll be fine. I'm not going far, I'll warm up soon enough when I'm running." she answered, picking her keys up out of the dish and leaving the house, a blast of cold air blowing over Callum as she departed. He stared at the door for a few minutes, noticing her mobile on the table by the door, before picking the phone up.
"Hi Claire, it's your favourite brother here." he said as Claire picked the phone up.
"You're my only brother, you idiot." she shot back with a grin.
"Are you ok to talk for a bit?" he asked her.
"Sure, but first, I must ask how my gorgeous nephew is." Claire said.
"He's doing brilliant! He's getting more and more handsome every day. And I think he's finally settling into a routine, which is making it easier for me and Jess." Callum answered.
"That's good. It can be hard, when you bring them home and try to introduce some kind of stability. Lindsay can't wait to see Jamie next weekend. Is it still ok for us to come over?" Claire checked.
"Yeah of course it is, we can't wait to see you. Erm, the reason I was ringing was I needed to ask for some advice." Callum began slowly. In a way he felt like he was ratting his wife out, and that didn't sit well with him.
"Ok, I'll try, go on, what's up?" she asked, concern setting in her voice.
"It's about Jess. Recently she's been acting a bit funny with me." Callum said slowly, "She won't let me touch her properly, she sort of backs away from me. She still kisses me, but it's just when I go to touch her, or hold her, or even hug her, she shies away. And today, when she was in the bath, she asked me to leave while she got out. I said to her that she's beautiful, and no-one cares if she looks a bit different to how she used to. But she cares, that's what she said. And now, she's gone out in the cold for a run, not properly dressed, I don't know where she's gone or how long she's going to be. I'm worried about her."
"How has she been with Jamie? Has she been holding him a lot, and playing with him? Or does she hand him off to you a lot?" Claire asked.
"Well she's breastfeeding, so she has to have him then, and yeah, she does play with him, but she doesn't like it when I go out and leave her on her own with him. I thought she was just anxious about it, worrying about if something went wrong and she was with him on her own, considering what happened with Luke." Callum answered.
"I think she needs to see the GP." Claire said honestly.
"Why? What do you think is wrong with her?" Callum asked quickly.
"I'm not a doctor, so obviously this is my opinion, but to me it sounds like she's got post natal depression. Remember the first time we had a good conversation, when you told me about Jess' pregnancy? And I said to you that I'd been depressed after Lindsay was born? Well some of what you're saying was how I was acting. You need to make her see that she's not acting like the Jess you know. The sooner she realises that she needs help, the better it'll be. The longer this is left festering, the more severe it's going to get. If you want, I can talk to her, or me and Brad will have Jamie for a few hours so that you can talk to her." Claire suggested.
"You think she's depressed?" Callum whispered, not believing that his Jess, whose sunny outlook on life had blasted through the storm clouds that used to be permanently around him, was potentially suffering from the beginning stages of depression.
"I think from what you're telling me, she's not a very happy woman at the minute. Think through what I've said, decide what you want to do. Hang on, doesn't Jess' mum live nearby? Why not ask her?" Claire said.
Callum mulled it over. Michelle would probably be the best person to talk to Jess about it, maybe Jess wouldn't feel as threatened, he didn't know. No harm in trying though, and it was better than trying to make her go to the GP. "I might just do that. Thank you Claire, you're the best." Callum said sincerely.
"It's ok, just help Jess to get better. Remember, I'm only a phone call away. I love you little brother." Claire said kindly.
"I love you too. We'll see you next week then. Bye." Callum said, putting the phone down.
He sat for a few minutes, shocked and scared of what Jess' return home would bring with it. As he thought about it, he went and stood at the window, hoping to see her, but there was no sign of her. Tiny flakes of snow drifted past his eyes, slowly getting bigger and bigger, settling on the streets of London. Jess was out in that without a coat or anything substantial to keep her warm, most likely freezing.
"For God sake Jess, what are you playing at?" He shook his head, walking out the hall and taking the stairs two at a time. He entered the nursery, seeing that Jamie was awake and just laying there looking at the stars on the ceiling. "Come on little man, let's go and find mummy."
Jess was slowly making her way round the streets of Sun Hill. She didn't know where she was headed, or how she would get back home, but it was enough just to be out of the house. She had felt like she couldn't breathe, like everything was collapsing in on her and smothering her until she needed to get out, just get out and get some air back in her. She knew that Callum was worried about her, and her heart twisted when she remembered the look on his face as she left the house, but he didn't need to worry. She wasn't a child, she could look after herself, probably better than most.
A flash of anger made its way through her, for no reason at all, and she tried to suppress it, but realised that actually, she didn't want to. She had so many reasons to be angry, she was entitled to this hot burning in her heart that made her blood race through her body. She wanted to let the anger out, just let it rule her body and burn itself out. Little did she know she'd get the opportunity to do just that.
Callum had bundled Jamie into some warmer clothing, popped on his hat and mittens, placing him carefully in the car seat with a blanket over the top before buckling him in. Once Jamie was sorted, he pulled on his big black coat, plus his hat and leather gloves. He swung the changing bag over his shoulder, made sure Jamie was secure, and grabbed the car keys from the dish. He locked up the house, put Jamie in the back of the car, and then pulled away in search of his wife.
His first thought of where she might go was the cemetery where Luke, Robert and Dan were buried. She went there a lot when she needed to think, or just to get away from it all, so maybe today she was there as well. As he parked the car in an empty space, he could see Robert, Luke and Dan's graves clearly, and Jess wasn't there. He got out of the car, standing up, stretching, desperately wanting to see that quick flash of blonde hair. But no, nothing. Right, his second thought was that she might have gone to Michelle's. So he started the car again, driving for another five minutes before pulling into Michelle's road, and then into the drive. As he unbuckled the car seat, the front door opened, and Michelle stepped out.
"Callum! What are you doing here?" she asked, coming forward to take the changing bag into the house. Callum placed the car seat on the floor, shutting the front door behind him.
"Is Jess here?" he asked her.
Michelle looked confused, "No why? Was she supposed to be?"
"Well no, but she said she was going out for a run, but she didn't say where and she doesn't have her coat or anything, and cause it's snowing, I'm worried she'll get too cold." Callum explained.
"Did you two have a fight?" Michelle asked, leading Callum into the living room. Callum sat down while Michelle freed her grandson from the car seat, giving him a kiss before settling him in her arms.
"No we didn't, she just said she wanted to get out of the house for some fresh air. She's been gone over an hour, and I haven't heard anything from her. I just want to find her and get her home." Callum said.
"What's wrong with her?" Michelle asked knowledgeably. She watched as Callum seemed to deflate in front of her. "Callum?"
"I don't know, she won't talk to me 'Chelle. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say to her. I'm worried." he admitted honestly.
"Have you tried talking to her?" Michelle asked, sitting down on the sofa with the baby in her arms.
"No, she won't listen, she just shuts me off. I just want to find her." he said dejectedly.
"Listen, I'll look after Jamie for a couple of hours, so you can find her and try and get her to open up to you. Give me a ring when you're ready to come and get him, ok?" Michelle offered.
"Are you sure?" Callum asked.
"Yes I'm sure, anything for my beautiful grandson and daughter. You tell her from me that she needs to talk to you. And if she won't talk to you, she'll damn well talk to me." Michelle said in a firm tone. Callum got to his feet, pecking Michelle on the cheek, kissing Jamie on the forehead before raising a hand in farewell.
As the first snow flakes started to fall, Jess found herself on the outskirts of the Jasmine Allen. That wasn't good; she was pretty far from home. She thought that maybe now would be a good time to turn around and go home, back to her husband and baby. She looked up to the leaden sky, watching it unfurl all around her, watching the snow drift lazily to the ground. She shut her eyes for a moment, relishing the feel of the cold snowflakes brushing her face before they melted.
She stuffed her hands in her pockets, kept her head down and just walked. Someone bumped into her as they walked past, causing Jess to glare at them, telling them to watch it.
"You say something lady?" he asked cockily, stopping and spinning round to look at Jess. That deep seated anger flared in her again, causing her to stand her ground.
"Yeah, I told you to watch where you were going." she said loudly.
"Maybe you should watch where you're goin', innit." he spat. Jess just laughed and rolled her eyes, turning her back on the youth and carrying on. "Oi! I ain't finished talking to you!"
"Well I'm done talking to scum like you." she called over her shoulder. Next thing she knew, the boy had slammed into her, causing her to fall onto her knees, grazing the palms of her hands. He kicked her onto her back, about to start laying into her, but at this point, Jess was so pissed off that she could hear her heart beating in her ears.
As the boy was about to kick her, she grabbed his foot, pulling hard, causing him to tumble to the ground next to her. He swore, jumping up at the same time she did. He came at her again, pushing her up against a wall, her arms pinned to her sides. She kicked her foot hard at his ankle, causing his hands to drop to his ankles, giving her the opportunity to knee him in the abdomen, winding him, and finally she pushed him to the floor.
"Never fuck off an off duty police officer. You better get back home before mummy starts to worry." And with that, she walked away.
Callum finally spotted her after twenty minutes driving round the streets. She had her hood up against the snow, but he knew it was her. He sped up and got past her, before pulling into a space, getting out the car just as she walked past.
"Jess!" he called, causing her to spin round to see who was calling her. When she saw Callum, her lips raised a little at the corners.
"I was just on my way home." she offered.
"I saved you the walk. Come on, let's go get Jamie from your mums. Then we need to talk." Callum said sternly, looking at her closely and noting a graze on her cheek.
"How did you get that?" She touched her cheek gently, wincing at the grazed skin, causing Callum to see the grazes on the palms of her hands as well. "What have you done? What happened?"
"Oh it's nothing, don't worry, let's just go and get Jamie and go home." Jess said, trying to change the subject as she got into the car.
Once they were both in the car, Jess tucked her hands into the pouch of her hoodie. Callum noticed this, grabbing them and holding them to the light. He gently skimmed his fingers over the grazes, looking at the dark patches on her jogging bottoms where she'd been pushed over.
"I'm going to ask you again, and you're going to tell me what happened." he said in a dangerously low voice.
"Some kid got lippy with me, he didn't like it when I ignored him, he thought he'd give me a lesson, I fought back. Now can we just go." she said monotonously. She could feel anger vibrating through the air from Callum.
"You didn't think that maybe I'd want to know that you were jumped?" he asked quietly.
"It wasn't a big deal! I didn't get hurt! I dealt with it like I'm trained to, you know, as a cop!" she snapped.
"FOR GOD SAKE JESS! You had a baby two weeks ago through major surgery, you could have been hurt so much worse! You had no back up, nothing! You left your phone at home- what if you needed help?! Snap out of whatever fug you're in!" he roared, turning away from her before pulling the car away at an alarming speed.
She knew his reaction was from fear, and she knew he was right, but telling her to snap out of it was easier said than done. She felt her eyes well up but turned away from him, staring out the window at the grey streets of Canley, as tears quietly raced down her cheeks.
The couple were silent as they picked their son up from Michelle's house. They were silent as they bathed him and put him to bed. They were silent as they ate their dinner. They were silent in bed.
"You need to get help and soon." Callum said eventually.
"I don't need help, I'm not ill." Jess muttered.
"We have a difference of opinions on that I'm afraid. Do it for Jamie, if you won't do it for yourself." Callum said, a pleading note entering his voice.
"I don't need any help. Please just leave it." she shot at him, rolling away from him.
"I can't have you being like this anymore. I miss Jess, my wife." Callum begged.
"I am still that person, why can't you see that!" she cried.
"No, you can't see that you've changed, and you can't accept that you need help, before it gets too late. My Jess wouldn't shy away from me when I pay her compliments or admire the body that has just given me a son. My Jess would be cuddling me right now, laughing at my shite jokes or we'd have Jamie between us, just watching him and wondering how on Earth we made such a perfect baby. You're not well Jess. Claire went through it as well, and she got through fine..." Callum began.
"You spoke to Claire about me?" Jess asked in an icy tone.
"I didn't know what to do! I'm so worried about you, about what you might do!" Callum cried.
"What do you mean, about what I might do? I'm not suicidal Callum, Jesus Christ. I don't believe this." Jess said stonily. She pushed the covers off of her, changing out of her nightwear back into her clothes
.
"Where are you going?" he asked her, getting out of bed as well, standing in front of the door.
"I'm going to my mum's house for the night. Get out of my way Callum." she said in a low voice.
"No. We're going to talk about this until you let me help you." he said, standing his ground.
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK!" she yelled at him. A few beats of silence followed, and then Jamie's wails echoed through the house.
Callum looked between Jess and Jamie in his cot next to the bed, knowing that she wouldn't go and see to him. But he also knew that if he moved out of the way of the door, she would be out the door like a shot.
"Well you better start wanting to talk soon. I love you and I want to help you. Please just let me help you." he said, shaking his head sadly as he tended to his son. Jess stood in the door to their bedroom for a few seconds before leaving the house, letting the door shut with a bang.
Callum stood in shock. She had never shouted at him, never, nor had she walked away from him. Jamie's cries roused him out of his shocked state; he walked over and picked his crying son up, gently rocking and shushing him until he dropped back off. Callum gently settled him back in the cot, not knowing what to do. He could go after her, but it was late at night and he had no idea where she'd gone - he didn't want to be aimlessly driving with Jamie. But what if something happened, what if she got jumped again? Just as he decided to go after her, he heard his phone beep with a text. He jumped across the bed to get it, praying it was from Jess. It wasn't.
Jess is here and she's ok, I'll try and talk to her in the morning. Don't worry, I've got her xx
Callum let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead. She was safe with Michelle at least. He peered over again at Jamie, "Looks like its just me and you tonight kiddo. We'll go get mummy in the morning, if she'll have us."
With that, he laid down on Jess' side of the bed, inhaling the scent of her, before trying to sleep.