Inaru Hanshite
The life of a neurodivergent isn't easy- especially the multi-personality illnesses like Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID) or Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). I have both of these plus autism, anxiety, insomnia, ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), and C-PTSD(basically, childhood trauma). Yeah, you may as well call me a walking DI-5. Haha Do I get help for these? No, I do not- and to be honest, they aren't diagnosed either- I've just studied allot of psychology in order to figure out what was making me struggle with things that no one else seemed to struggle with, and how I could help myself. I've spent this year doing allot of introspection and shadow work. The biggest struggle I face is being able to tell whether I am sensing real energies or imagined- because BPD comes with delusions, and it is hard to tell the difference without physical confirmation. For this reason, I am thankful that my spirit guides are patient with me and will provide such confirmations when I need them- however, not all of their signs are clear with this practice of asking for extra signs.
There was a time years and years ago, when I was a child, that my parents took me to be evaluated by psychiatrists, neurologists, etc. One of them told my parents that they think I have autism and suggested testing- my parents never took me to see another doctor for mental health again, claiming the doctors were all quacks. Their treatment of me got worse after that- something I can only describe as a Cinderella childhood with extra tyrrany and dysfunction, but I digress.
It's been eight years since I last spoke to any of my relatives, as they were all brainwashed to believe my childhood was completely normal- as if constantly screaming at your child and treating them like some kind of puppet, expecting them to do everything you say immediately and silently, was completely standard for a child to go through. My current marriage isnt any better- Ethan doesn't yell at me or expect me to do everything he says. However, he pays very little attention to me unless he wants or needs something- I am somewhat of a convenience for him. We have a daughter, Rose, together who is eight, and she is also neurodivergent. Life gets pretty chaotic and Ethan rarely helps out, leaving me to handle most things on my own- only for him to get upset that he didn't help. It's a frustrating cycle, but one I must endure lest my daughter carry more generational curses. I have to break mine so she doesn't have carry them or any new ones.
I send my daughter off to school then sit down to puff on my vape before I start my morning routine. Starting out, my body wakes up through a bit of exercizing and an attempt to train myself in self defense- I'd asked Ethan to teach me before, and he had started to but then he quit. So I am attempting to teach myself from anime and old unpolished skill- as crazy as that sounds. Then I make a cup of coffee dedicated to Zuess, King of Fate, who has recently been showing up in my space of spiritual practice- though, with the work I am doing on Project Muse, I can understand why. He is the king of fate, and fate is one of the many forces I seek to restore by waking the population from the mind control. The warmth of the coffee is comforting on this cold October morning.
After spending some time communicating with the primordial deity, I rinse my mug and go to wake up my husband. As usual, he expects me to rub his back and feet- which I wouldn't mind if he would have returned the favor once in a while... Finally, he leaves for work and I go to change into my signature outfit. Pulling on a black tank top, I top it with a purple lace corset, adding a set of black lace sleeves attached to a matching shirt collar. An irregularly shaped skirt, blue and purple in color with golden chakra symbols embossed, sat atop four layers of fluffy black petticoats. This is paired with black leggings, and four velvet pouches hang from a black sash that is tied around my waist. I add my devotional jewelry and swipe on some deep red lipstick to finish the look. Then sigils are drawn on my left arm for protection before I set about cleaning, just like every other day. I walk to the mailbox to check the mail, sit outside for a bit, and then record a new cover song for tiktok and snapchat. That evening, after my daughter goes to bed, I finish the artwork for the first episode of the skit/animatic adaptation of the fanfiction series that I am using to teach people what I know of energy and vibration, having posted my second original song earlier in the day.
I can't help longing for more as I lay down for the night, cuddling the bicolored teddy bear I had hand made for myself. I imagine what it would be like if everything in my mind were to suddenly become real as I drift off to sleep.