Author Note- Happy New Year, Friends. Hope everyone is doing well. I've been a little busy, but I'm recommitted to this story and am looking forward to sharing the adventure with you all. Let me know how you're liking the story so far.

Song inspiration- Hold on- Chord Overstreet

Chapter 6

Hold On

Writing the finishing touches on his Transfiguration essay, Harry finally laid down his quill and rolled his neck. They'd been back to school for three weeks now and the chill of fall had finally set in. He'd never admit it but the cold ached deep in his bones. The old breaks he had suffered felt particularly uncomfortable and his ribs occasionally ached.

Things had fallen into a somewhat regular routine. Though Harry would admit he had nearly no free time. He held Quidditch practices and DA meeting's twice a week. Then he had Order meetings every Friday. Nearly every day he had also picked up private lessons with one Professor or another.

Sunday's, he had taken up dueling with Sirius. Harry suspected that Sirius needed an outlet as much as he did. They never really talked about it. The first Sunday Sirius had just collected him after lunch and said they were going to duel. He had led Harry to a part of the castle that he'd never been to before, then they had dueled for hours. Harry enjoyed the practice and learning new skills.

The day of his first Transfiguration class, McGonagall had held him after class to thank him for the tapestry. She had then asked if he would be interested in practicing in his Animagus form. Harry had quickly agreed. He wanted to become more comfortable as Akela and knew that spending time in that form was the best way to practice.

What he hadn't expected was for McGonagall to take him into the Forbidden forest every Monday after classes. McGonagall would transform and hide, then Harry would find her. If she was able to sneak up on him unnoticed, Harry had lost. He knew she was trying to teach him to use all of his senses. If she could sneak up on him, so could a Death Eater.

Tuesday had become his mandatory Therapy session with Remus. He hated every moment of it. He didn't want to talk about anything, so he didn't. It didn't matter anymore. It was all in the past. Remus had also begun to train him in Legilimency. The basics felt extremely simplistic, and Harry wanted to growl at being treated like a child. Though he never did. He had avoided talking to any of the adults about anything that wasn't school, or war related.

Thursdays had become his Elemental Magic lessons with the headmaster. He'd only had one lesson so far. Similarly to his first dueling lesson with Snape this summer, he had mostly spent the lesson showing Dumbledore what he could do. Water and fire seemed to come easily to him. Air in combat was most used for deflecting spells like a shield. He had experienced mixed results trying to block Dumbledore's spells.

They'd been practicing on the grounds in an area near the forest that was partially hidden. Harry had briefly raised concerns about practicing out in the open. Dumbledore had assured him should a student see them it would only reinforce what the prophet had been saying; that he was getting private lessons as the 'Chosen One'. Harry had nearly backed out of the lessons at that comment, but knew that he could no longer let what others' thought of him get in his way.

On Saturday's after quidditch practice he had taken to hiding away in the Room of Requirements. He would practice with the swords on his own. He'd collected several books on the proper use and etiquette. He still felt woefully inadequate at the skill. He needed someone to practice with but didn't feel comfortable asking anyone.

Neither Snape nor Draco had talked to him since the first week of school. He knew it was for the best. As much as he cared about both of them, he knew that they were already in danger. Further interactions with him would only put them at more risk.

Being in class with Draco had become painful. He longed for the quiet comfort the other boy offered. He should have known that returning to school would not allow their friendship to continue. He'd hoped it could but now that Draco was back with his friends, Harry didn't matter.

Ron and Hermione were too focused on one another to notice just how little Harry was actually around. Hermione still badgered him about homework over meals and Ron tried to joke with him during Quidditch, but mostly Harry was on his own.

Harry sighed as he cast a tempest. It was nearly two in the morning. He'd taken to doing his homework in the middle of the night and then grabbing a few hours of sleep before he began the next long day. He would wake by six and take his potions that always showed up some time in the night. He suspected that Remus was having a house elf deliver them.

Then he would dress in comfortable clothing and go for a run near the lake. He'd not planned on incorporating other exercises into his routine, but he'd quickly realized that with all the dueling he was doing, it was necessary.

Once he was done with his run he would shower quickly and head to breakfast. He still wasn't eating a lot. The looming anxiety of impending war seemed to be stifling his appetite. He did make sure that he ate something at each meal. He knew he was being watched by Remus and did not want to have that conversation again.

Harry didn't know if the Headmaster had been told about Rick or not. Harry had not been part of the conversation, though he thought he'd caught some sad looks from the man. He didn't want his pity. He didn't want to be looked at like something dirty and broken.

Sliding his books into his bag then shrinking it, he laid back on his bed and stared into the darkness. Edgar snuggled into his side. Harry felt physically and emotionally exhausted. Despite all the time he spent with other people he felt so lonely.

He dropped his mental shields and felt the first trickle of tears spill down his face. He had taken to lowering them for a while before bed in fear that he would once again strain his mind. This was always his darkest hour.

He didn't even know what to do to make it better. He just wanted to die.

A sob bubbled past his lips as memories assaulted his mind. He tried to keep quiet, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to maintain it. Patting Edgar he slipped silently from his bed and crept into the dorm bathroom. He pulled a silencing charm up once the door was closed.

Sliding down the door he buried his head in his knees and let the pain wash over him in waves. His resolve to keep going in order to protect his friends was crumbling. He couldn't do this. Not alone.

He pulled his bag from his pajama pocket and resized it before locating the pack of razor blades he had stolen from the Weasley's.

His body shook with the weight of his despair. He stared at the small silver blade in his hand before dropping his glamor. He'd not hurt himself or drank since he'd had his check-up with Pomfrey. Remus made him drop the glamor on his arms every week to check them. He hated not being trusted, but he understood. He had broken their trust, but he wished Remus believed him, when he told him that he hadn't hurt himself.

He looked at the gnarled scars at his wrists and wished that he could feel that numb haze again. The moment before he'd lost consciousness had been the most peaceful, he'd ever felt.

"Fuck." Harry whispered.

A voice in the back of his mind told him he needed to get someone. He couldn't give up, but he couldn't do this anymore either.

Dropping the blade back in his bag, he wiped his face. Without further thought he pulled the cloak from his bag and put it on. He tucked away his bag and quickly left the bathroom before making his way down to the common room and out into the hall.

He felt a momentary wave of panic set in. He needed help but he was afraid to ask for it. He thought for a moment and let his feet carry him down the hall.

Severus' brows creased in annoyance as he slowly woke up. His mind felt groggy as he peeled open crusty eyes. A charm sounded and he groaned.

Grabbing his wand from his side table he climbed out of bed and glanced at the clock.

When he saw that it was after two in the morning, he felt his anxiety rise. If it was a teacher, they almost certainly would have sent a Patronus or called through the floo. Knocking on his office door indicated it was a student.

Grabbing his robe and shoving his feet into slippers, he quickly left his room. He brushed his hair out of his face as he made his way into his office. An incredibly soft knock sounded, and Severus hoped something hadn't happened in the common room. So far there hadn't been any incidents with the marked students, though Severus had found himself spending more nights in the common room just to keep an eye on things.

Severus pulled the door open to find an empty hall. When he went to take a step out to look for who had been knocking, an invisible mass ran into his chest. His first instinct was to cast at who or what ever had just run into him, until he felt arms wrap around him and heard the muffled sobs.

Harry, his mind quickly supplied.

Severus' heart clenched at the broken cries of the child clinging desperately to him. He wrapped his arms around him and held him close.

"Shh, I've got you." Severus murmured.

Severus could feel Harry's body shaking against him. He'd wondered when the breakdown would eventually happen. He'd kept track of the boy's schedule through casual conversations with other staff members and his own observations. He knew that Harry was going to burn himself out with everything he was trying to do.

He'd assumed the boy would go to his parents but knew that, like himself, Harry had mostly avoided them when he could.

"Come on." Severus whispered softly as he pulled slightly away from the invisible child and guided him into his quarters.

A moment later the cloak was draped over the armchair, and they were both seated on the couch.

Harry was hunched over with his head in his hands taking ragged breaths to steady himself. Severus watched trying to give the teen a little space to collect himself.

He considered for a moment before standing and walking into the kitchen, before making two cups of calming tea. He wasn't sure what all was happening with Harry, but when it came to the boy there was always more happening than what it appeared to be.

When the tea was done Severus returned to the sitting room. Harry was sitting up on the couch now and just staring into the fire in the hearth. Holding out the mug of steaming tea, Severus watched Harry. The flickering flames danced in the haunted green eyes. The boy's muscles were held tight like if he relaxed them at all he would just collapse.

"Here." Severus said softly, holding the mug a little closer.

Harry blinked once like he was coming out of a daze before he reached out and took his tea. Severus considered sitting back on the couch with Harry, but decided he didn't want to crowd him. With a sigh Severus settled into his armchair.

They sat quietly for a few minutes drinking their tea. Severus was thankful for the silence as it allowed him to fully wake up. Harry seemed to relax minutely. He realized in that moment that perhaps he should have reached out sooner. This year had been busier than normal.

Classes were busy and Severus had faced more staff meetings, Head of house meetings, and Order meetings then he thought was possible.

There had been some descent regarding the boy's inclusion in the Order meetings. Harry had stood resolute and silent during the first meeting. Severus had been concerned when he realized the boy was there and obviously no one but Albus was aware that he would be. The mutts had sent worried glances at him. Molly had tried to argue, as had several of the staff.

Albus had listened but ultimately said that the boy was too involved to not be informed. Severus grudgingly agreed. Harry wasn't going to be given a choice and now that he had occlumency shields he really should be aware of what was happening.

Harry hadn't spoken during any of the meetings, simply listened and watched. There had been a discussion last night about reaching out to the werewolf packs and Harry had worriedly looked to Remus. Severus had spoken up then about the potion. True to his word with Harry, he had agreed that it shouldn't be used to force them to their side, but perhaps an offer to keep more of them neutral.

There had been some disagreement but, in the end, it was decided that he and Remus would attempt to reach out. Severus was terrified to go if he was being honest. Despite having gotten to know Remus, werewolves still scared him. It was a childish fear, but a fear none the less.

Harry hadn't looked at him once and he'd worried that he'd made the wrong choice.

"I'm sorry." Harry whispered, breaking Severus from his thoughts.

Severus looked at the boy and found him slumped back on the couch, staring into his tea. Severus didn't know if he'd ever seen the boy slouch. Despite his years of thinking the boy was lazy, every move the boy made was stiff and unsure.

"You don't need to apologize for coming to me Harry. I told you I would be here for you." Severus said calmly.

Harry nodded and sighed as he seemed to consider what to say next.

"I feel so alone. I don't even know how to connect with anyone anymore. It's all just the war. It's making sure I have the skills and the knowledge. Making sure I'm keeping an eye on my friends but not letting them get too close. I'm so worried someone will hurt them because of me." Harry said before sighing and running his hand through his hair.

Severus nodded his understanding. While he himself still felt very involved with the war, this had been the first year since the dark lords return that his whole life hadn't felt completely consumed by it.

In the last three weeks he had made time for tea with Minerva, been invited to drinks with the mutts, met with Gabriel to catch up, he'd even been writing with Artemis and planning a visit. It had felt almost normal. The only thorn in his side was Tris, who had taken to showing up at least twice a week to complain about the students.

Severus wasn't sure what to make of the woman. She was intelligent and funny but unsure. He felt he had somewhat taken her under his wing which felt strange. No professor had ever come to him like that. He found that he enjoyed spending time with her. He usually put on an act as though it was an inconvenience. She either knew it was an act or didn't care. Showing up at his quarters with almost no announcement. She had begun to bring essays with her, and they would mark together over foreign liquors that she had apparently stocked her trunk with.

Severus shook the thoughts from his mind and focused on the boy in front of him.

"I know that this war is scary, but you can't make it your whole life. Trust me, I know." Severus said softly.

The broken look that crossed Harry's face pulled at something deep inside of him. He wished that someone had told him that sooner. That he had been able to forgive himself a little. That he could have seen sooner that it wasn't his job to carry the war.

"How many of your classmates died or joined Voldemort?" Harry asked quietly.

Severus' heart clenched.

"Too many." Severus answered.

Harry nodded and looked back to the fire.

"I won't let them die if I can do something." Harry whispered.

Severus nodded and sat back in his seat to think.

"I feel like a failure." Harry murmured.

"Why?" Severus asked.

Harry tipped his head slightly in thought.

"Because I can't do it. I want to save everyone. I just can't. Not alone." Harry answered, weariness thick in his voice.

Severus sighed. He could almost see the physical weight Harry had laid on his own shoulders. Though he knew that the rest of the wizarding world had laid it at the boy's feet. What was he supposed to do but pick it up and try and carry it alone?

"You're not alone Harry." Severus tried to reassure.

Harry looked up at him before worrying his lip a little and glancing away.

"What happened tonight?" Severus asked softly.

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head.

"I…I've been using my shields a lot. I let them down for a while in the evening…So I don't strain them again." Harry said softly.

Severus nodded. That wasn't exactly how that worked but he understood the thought process.

"It's just been getting harder every night." Harry whispered.

Severus noticed the shake in the boy's voice and the tears collecting in his eyes.

"What's getting harder?" Severus asked.

Harry swallowed thickly.

"Convincing myself to keep going." Harry said brokenly.

Severus closed his eyes and nodded. He was very thankful Harry had come to him. His mind flooded with thoughts of finding Harry laid out in his room covered in blood.

"I see." Severus said sitting forward a little.

Harry felt shaky admitting how he was feeling. He looked up to Snape and saw something in his eyes. A Shimmer of an image.

Without realizing he was doing it he tumbled into the man's mind.

Flashes of Snape kneeling over him begging him to stay awake. Draco and Snape covered in his blood as they tried to stop the bleeding and pulling him off the floor.

Snape dropping a potion and shouting at Pomfrey for help. Wands waving and tears streaming down Snapes face.

"Hold on Harry. Please." Snape begged.

Flashes of the summer came next. Remus and Snape worriedly walking the streets looking for him. Snape dragging him from Dumbledors office. Snape's shocked face when Harry revealed where the road rash had come from.

Harry felt Snape trying to push him out, but he just held on to the memories. They flashed faster and Harry saw a whirlwind of memories. Snape staring at him in his first potions class. Snape terrified as Harry clung to his broom as it bucked in the sky. Remus transforming and Snape jumping in front of them to protect them.

Suddenly the memories shifted. Harry was sitting in his room at Spinner's end sick. Snape making sure he got his potions and gently brushing the hair from his sweaty forehead. Harry could feel the worry and care Snape felt for him.

Then he was looking at shaking blood-soaked hands in the hospital wing bathroom. Snape looking in the mirror and screaming. Smashing his hands against the sink.

"I'm so sorry Lily." Snape sobbed into the empty room.

Snape staring at him in the hospital bed.

"Hold on Harry. We still need you." Snape whispered, before lowering his head into his hands and crying softly.

Harry's heart hurt watching the painful scene. Then his mind felt like it was being wrenched away from Snapes, and he found himself back in the sitting room of Snapes quarters.

Tears trickled down his face. He'd never meant to hurt them so much. A sob bubbled out of his mouth.

Severus felt disoriented as he was finally able to free his mind from Harry's. He'd not expected an attack, and his mental shields had been down. He noted that his hands were shaking from the adrenaline.

He looked at Harry and found his broken terrified eyes staring at him. Tears streaming down his cheeks. Part of him wanted to lash out at the boy for invading his privacy again.

The sob that tore from Harry's mouth silenced any admonishment.

"I'm sorry. I…I didn't mean…I'm sorry." Harry cried.

Severus' heart clenched in his chest. He couldn't imagine how painful seeing that had been for Harry. Especially if he was back in that head space.

Severus stood and Harry flinched slightly before jumping to his feet. The fear in Harry's eyes had Snape swallowing thickly. He didn't want Harry to be afraid of him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here. I…" Harry muttered and backed away nearly tripping over the other armchair.

"Harry. You're okay." Severus said calmly.

Harry bit his lip and wiped his face with his sleeve.

"I'm sorry." Harry said through tears.

Severus nodded.

"I know." Severus said, nodding a little. He wasn't sure if Harry was apologizing for going into his mind, or about the suicide attempt, but either way, he knew that Harry was sorry.

Severus walked to the couch and sat down.

"Come sit down." Severus said calmly.

Harry hesitated for a moment before he cautiously walked to the couch and sat down.

Severus opened his arms and Harry leaned into his chest and began to cry. Severus rubbed his back gently and shushed him softly.

Harry muttered about how difficult everything had been. How overwhelmed he was and how alone he felt. How his friends hadn't been around, but he also just wanted to keep everyone away because he was afraid of them getting hurt.

That he missed Draco but knew that he probably didn't want to be his friend anymore.

Severus knew that Draco wanted to spend time with Harry. He'd heard Draco talk about him every time they'd had tea over the last couple of weeks. Despite Severus' suggestion that Draco just stay friends with Harry, Draco seemed even more over the moon.

As far as the trio, he had no idea what was going on there. He'd seen the three of them together, but it was obvious that Weasley and Granger had started a romance and that was probably what was causing the strain.

Severus said nothing and just listened as he tried to comfort Harry.

"I'm sorry about what happened with the invisibility cloak. I shouldn't have been there. I'm sorry I thought…thought you meant to hurt me. I should have known better." Harry hiccupped.

Severus sighed.

"It was just an accident. I'm sorry you got hurt, and I'm sorry that we left you with doubt about whether or not you could trust us. We would never hurt you." Severus said softly.

Harry nodded against his chest.

"Remus wants me to talk to him, but I just can't. I don't want them to know more. They deserve better than a fucked-up kid." Harry sniffled.

Severus sighed again. Harry kept entirely to much to himself and was once again collapsing under the weight of it all.

"We love you. Please let us help you." Severus tried to reassure.

Harry shrugged a little and sniffled again.

"Sorry for looking into your mind. I don't know what happened." Harry mumbled.

"It's okay." Severus said.

It wasn't okay but it could be addressed later. He knew that Remus was doing Legilimens lessons with him. There was no doubt that this was a side effect of those lessons.

Severus listened as Harry's breathing began to level out.

He looked down and saw that his eyes were closed. Dark eyelashes fanned over pale cheeks, and his nose was red from crying. It was clear that the boy was exhausted.

He knew he should wake him and send him back to the tower. Strictly speaking Harry being in his rooms wasn't exactly allowed. He was not the boy's parent or guardian, nor was he a godparent. He would argue that he'd been Harry's guardian all summer and was in fact an emergency guardian for him.

The mutts hadn't seemed concerned the last time he had been here, and Albus could keep his opinions to himself.

Severus carefully laid Harry back on the couch and noticed just how thin he was again. It was clear that he hadn't been eating well. Harry was practically swimming in the pajamas he'd gotten this summer.

Severus noticed Harry's shirt riding up a little and could tell he had lowered the glamours. Fine scars stretched out across his lower stomach. A cruel reminder of everything the boy had been forced to endure.

Severus stood and pulled the boy's legs up on the couch before summoning a blanket and draping it over him.

Severus gently brushed the messy hair off his face. Even in sleep Harry's brows were creased slightly with stress.

"You're loved Harry, and you're safe here." Severus whispered before he turned out the lights and headed to his room.

He noted that it was nearly four in the morning and was thankful that it was Saturday. Neither of them would have immediate responsibilities in the morning. He would call Remus in the morning and see what they could do for Harry.

Severus wouldn't let the boy's obvious pleas for help go unheard again.