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Chapter 17
Mike was stalling and Christine knew it. He seemed completely unhappy but he seemed to love her and the girls still. He had made no further mention of a baby. He did talk about them getting married again and seemed excited about that.
Bad dreams become commonplace. Most of the time; he wouldn't talk about them. If he did; he said it was about Lucas. But, Christine suspected he was dreaming about Emma. One night, about a week before their wedding, she woke up and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. She could tell by the way his back was shaking; he was crying. Something very rare for Mike. Christine sat up and wrapped her arms around Mike.
"Talk to me. Its not about Lucas, is it?" Christine asked.
"No. Emma." Mike said.
"Talk to me, Mike." Christine encouraged.
"She reminds me of Katie. The way Katie keeps me in line? She's about ten in the dream. She lets me know every single time that she knows I didn't want her…I keep thinking, that if I don't admit it, I don't have to grieve for her. But…I keep thinking too, she wants me to." Mike explained.
"It is not the worst thing in the world to give into it." Christine said.
"I know. Katie is so much like her…or she's like Katie…or would have been." MIke said as he choked on the last three words.
"Katie loves you. And I am sure that if given the chance, Emma would have too. Is this why you are trying so hard with Katie?" Christine asked.
"Yeah, I suppose so." Mike answered.
"I know my timing is mad, but maybe its why we haven't conceived? Maybe you need to go through this? Talk about her?" Christine suggested.
"You asked me once why I would have resented her? I said it was because I didn't want her. But now, I can't imagine resenting her. I only wish I had had a chance to know her. Hold her…love her." Mike admitted.
"You can still do all those things in your heart." Christine said.
"I still wouldn't mind a baby. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm the reason why. Maybe until I sort through this, I'll be shooting blanks, so to speak." Mike replied. He gave Christine a kiss before settling into bed.
"Such a way to put things. You just lean in, Mike. We love you. And Emma would have too. There is nothing wrong with loving her." Christine said as she cuddled close.
"Thank you for being so patient. I know its not been easy." Mike said before giving a kiss on the top of the head.
"This is marriage…or almost in our case. Its not always about romantic vacations and nice dinners. Sometimes, its this. Mourning a daughter you didn't get a chance to know. Remembering Lucas. Raising Katie and Hannah. Work." Christine said. Mike shut the light off and wrapped his arms around her.
"I love you." Mike said simply.
"I love you too and so do the girls. Katie, even." Christine told him.