AN: needed to post SOMETHING…I was gonna wait til April first for this but I can't sit on it any longer.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own RWBY, Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
RWBY Watching: Who's That Father?
"Alright, so our options–Yang."
"Yes, Weiss?"
"Give. Me. The. Remote." Weiss Schnee growled, eye twitching. It had been a long day of classes and she wanted to relax in the lounge room she, her team and Team JNPR had reserved. She was not going to suffer another bombardment of buffoonery at Xiao-Long's insistence. Though their last marathon session had been...Enlightening, to say the least, but that was months ago. When Team JNPR emerged victorious at the Vytal Festival just a few weeks ago and not a single sign of a Grimm Invasion or fall of Beacon was to be seen, the teens realized they really had just been watching works of fiction. Weirdly specific works of fiction that featured themselves, but works of fiction all the same.
"Why don't you come over here and make me?" Yang Xiao Long smirked. Beside her, her catty partner sighed and closed the book she had in her hands.
"Please don't fight while I'm sitting between you two." Blake Belladonna muttered, her ears going flat.
"You're asking for a lot, Blakey. We all know how short tempered Princess Weiss is."
"Excuse you–?!"
"Oh, you're in here! Jaune! I found them!" Ruby Rose said as she called out to the other team leader. She rushed in and squeezed between Blake and Weiss on the couch, a spread of snacks distributed to each of her teammates.
"Oh thank god. It took forever to find this room." Jaune sighed. A pink and white gloved hand bonked him in the back of the head.
"You are not allowed to read maps, Jaune. We've gone over this." Nora sighed as Team JNPR claimed their seats. "What're we watching?"
"I wanted to find something informative." Weiss grumbled. She gave Yang the stink eye.
"Oh, whatever. It's day one of the mid-season break! Let's enjoy it with something silly." The blonde grinned as she flipped channels.. "I heard good things about this indie show that just got pushed."
"Eh, rule of three if it's intriguing." Ren shrugged. They all jerked back as the channel flipped as the credits came to an end with a rock bit on the episode title card.
"Turn Up The Trouble"
(Then: Beelzehaven, West Side aka "Rave Town")
In the shadows of the night, a shopping bag was set on the stoop of a rundown building, just outside the dimly lit door. A dainty paw belonging to a hooded figure rose up, hesitated, and then knocked on the door.
"Aw, look at the cute little paw paw!" Nora gushed, hands on her cheeks and stars in her eyes. "Let's see the goods! Lose the hoodie!"
"...That's a weird Faunus." Blake frowned.
"Where's Beelzehaven? Is that, like, a slum near Haven?" Ruby asked.
"Never heard of it." Ren mumbled with a frown.
No response. The paw repeated the hesitant knocks before it finally slammed on the wood. A faint creak was heard followed by a thud, then a crash and quite a few loudly muffled swears. The figure crouched and adjusted the bag, hesitated again, before a whispered apology and a stifled sob was made. The hooded hound ran down the steps and disappeared into the darkness just as the door flung open.
A tall, groggy adolescent Hellhound wearing a white T-shirt and green boxers snarled as he stepped out onto the stoop, a clawed hand rubbing his head. He was a rare breed, one that would be mistaken as an impossible cross of the Earth-bound red fox and a dire wolf, just a more solid orange in the coat, with black rings of fur around the eyes that spread up into his ears, and his muzzle darkened from the edge of the cheek to the tip of his snout.
"Alright, as a perfectly heterosexual girl, I'm going to say it." Nora declared. "Awwwoooga!"
"...Oh dear Brothers, it's Pan-pandering." Blake's eyes were wide and the horror soon set in.
"What?" Yang asked.
"Pan-pandering is a term that was used to demean Inters, but was reclaimed by the community at the turn of the decade." Pyrrha explained. She fidgeted under their stares. "Sorry. My, erm, agent was very dutiful in making sure I wouldn't make a social faux paus. Basically, the term indicates that a Human is attracted to the anthropomorphic aesthetic, and hyper-applies it over humanoid characters."
"...So, that's a costume or makeup?" Ruby asked.
"If it is, it's really good." Yang hummed.
The cream and orange fur on his neck down his chest was thick and fluffy in the weather, but beneath it was a visibly powerful frame. Sectioned black fur covered all four paws from the midst of the forearm/foreleg to the pitch black claws. A limp tail hung behind him, just a breadth away from dragging on the floor, and a solid clump of russet fur.
"...He's a fox."
"Wow, we learned something about Weiss today." Yang chuckled.
"No, you twit. He's a literal fox. The animal." Weiss scowled at the blonde.
"Swear on my shit, if this is you again Rama, I'm breaking Limbs! It's two in the fucking morn—!"
"Whoa!" The teens gaped.
"Dropped the F-bomb so fast my head spun!" Jaune gasped.
"Maybe we should change it–"
"Oh come on, Yang! This must be a bad guy getting roughed up or something!" Ruby frowned. She hated being the reason people stopped watching things. The opening music was loud and exciting, that meant this show was bound to be, right? Sure!
A high pitched whine interrupted the hound's snarl. Impossibly blue eyes looked down at the bag and his jaw popped open. A note was wrapped around the handle and he snatched it. "No, c'mon...I'm not this unlucky. ...Fuckin' Goddammit! We broke up a month ago, that ungrateful lying bitch! Fuck... You poor little bastard, you must be an ugly little shit if she wants me to raise you."
"...Was that a baby? Is the first episode introducing a baby?!" Yang gasped.
"Oh, no. Not another 'feelings' one." Ruby groaned. It was bad enough there was so much foul language.
"Quiet and eat your cookie, Ruby."
"Do you think they call it a puppy?" Jaune asked.
"If they don't. I will." Nora grinned.
He knelt down and pulled back the loose blanket flap from the bag and peered in. For the first time in at least a decade, the hound immediately felt his heart melt. Eyes still sealed shut, the little lavender furred pup in the bag was no larger than his right paw. It had a solid indigo coat and a nose that hinted it as a wolf-breed, similar enough to maybe be his or her side-piece.
"Oohhh...Look at the puppy! I just wanna hug it!" Nora squealed.
"So cute." Pyrrha gushed.
"Weird that it's purple." Ruby hummed. She looked around and shrugged at the looks she got. "What! It's weird!"
The pup whined and trembled as it tried to smell for its mother and he shushed it as he reached in.
"Oh, I know, I know, it's so cold and whup-buh-bup easy with the bites there. Aw, sorry kiddo. I'm not your mom, I ain't got the tits. Hey, look at this, she was actually fucking considerate enough to leave you one warm bottle." A growl accompanied him as he pulled the dispenser from the bag. Blue eyes examined it for any visible flaw and then sniffed the bottle before he deemed it safe. Once he confirmed it was insulated – she could afford one of these, but not actually take care of the kid? Anti-Christ, he's so fuckin' glad he didn't Mate that lying bitch – and warm enough, he let the infant suckle away. Cradled to his chest, he failed to fight back the smile that spread across his lips.
"...This guy has 'Dad' energy." Blake mused.
"Tsk, look at you, what a darling little thing you are. ...I'm sorry, you didn't deserve this...Fuck, I don't know what she's fuckin' thinking, leaving you with my sorry ass." He sat down on the stoop as he watched the puppy gulp down the formulaic meal. He scowled and glared out at the shadows of the night. "That selfish–! Ugh, I can barely keep a roof over my head with my job... How the fuck am I supposed to take care of a puppy?! Her family's got fuckin' bank, they could at least pitch in to take care of her so...Dau...Well, I'm not playing the pronoun game until you can fuckin' talk, so let's just see."
He lifted the lower portion of the blanket and sniffed around. He'd found what he was before a puppy paw kicked into his nose with all the force of a butterfly's landing and he chuckled.
"What a fiery little girl. Yeah, you're an Uzumaki Bitch all right."
"...No…" Weiss scowled. "He didn't."
"Oh, so that's Naruto." Ruby nodded. "Was wondering if we'd find another show with him. He's funny sometimes. This show might be okay."
"No!" Yang groaned. "Why is he furry?! I can't get into that stuff!"
"But Yang," Nora said with a smirk. "He's a single father."
"...Ooh, good point. DILF-temptation…"
"There is so much wrong with you," Blake said as she shook her head.
He smiled as he fixed her blanket and then looked back at the bag. "So, what did she say your name was, sweetling?"
An unimpressive Angel was scrawled on the paper of the bag the puppy was in. The hound blinked. Did she really..? Wow, just...wow.
"Yeah, well, fuck that. I don't want to see you ganked because your mom was an unimaginative moron."
"What's wrong with 'Angel'?" Pyrrha frowned.
"Well...given that the infographic that popped up called him a Hell-Hound…" Ren crossed his arms. "Shot in the dark, they're in Hell."
"So are we, we just call it 'School'." Nora joked. Ren smirked at her.
He stood up, a bundled puppy cradled in one arm while its bottle was held steady in the other hand. He kicked the bag to the side and ignored the crumpled letter that was with it. He lit up with a grin. "Oh, I know! I'll call you Ramen. That sound okay?"
"Yep. That's Naruto." Ren deadpanned while Nora and Ruby snickered.
"Dammit." Weiss groaned.
"Relax, Weiss. He's not been that bad to watch." Blake sighed. The Heiress gave her an incredulous stare.
"He called me 'Sneeze'."
"And it is still funny."
"You aren't laughing though?"
"I am. Internally. Always." Blake's lip quirked up.
The Pup released the bottle and spit up on him. The Hound sniffed and lapped the regurgitated food up before it hardened in his fur.
"That can't be hygienic." Pyrrha blanched.
"He...Just...ate...puke." Jaune gagged.
"Disgusting!" Weiss paled.
"Gross, but also.." Ruby and Nora grinned at each other. "Cool!"
"Ew. Bae. No." Yang blanched.
"Dammit, I was so sure you'd stopped that." Blake grumbled.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" Weiss sneered.
"Well, I guess we can't all have taste. Seemed like a bit much of a reaction for a rejection, though. We'll just blame your Mom's genes for that, yeah?" He smiled as he kicked the door shut. "How about...Pickles! You like pickles? ...Baby, you gotta stop puking on me when you disagree."
"Pfft, pickles!" Nora giggled.
"Impressive that the puppy is responding to his naming attempts." Ren hummed.
"I still fail to see what's wrong with 'Angel'." Pyrrha frowned. "She certainly could be one."
"Well he hasn't met me yet, Pyrrha," Yang said with a smirk.
"I was so sure that the therapy was helping." Blake sighed.
"Please Blake, everyone knows speeches of friendship and in-depth monologues are what cures mental problems. Just look at comics." Ruby snorted.
(Then: Beelzehaven, East Side aka "Diamond Dog Dens")
An argument broke out elsewhere that night, much later. Alcohol was involved. A physical altercation followed. Voices raised. Glass shattered. A yelp, and silence. Snarls and barks reached a crescendo with a sharp whine and a body's thud. Hours later, police arrived and hauled a foaming mad hound, leashed to a broken railing and covered in blood into their cruiser, lines on his neck left him broken.
The ambulance carried an adolescent victim to the emergency center to get his eye looked at.
The corner carried the last body, that of the adolescent's girlfriend, the daughter of the mad hound, to the morgue.
"Whoa, that got dark." Jaune blinked in surprise.
"Another tally for the Hell Theory." Ren hummed.
"I'm impressed with how much was told by just flashes of shadows." Blake hummed. "That's amazing storytelling."
(Then: Imp City, Hellhound Orphanage)
Unrelated but not unconnected to the events in Gluttony, just as one family was forced together and another fractured apart, a third was forged. A snarling hound crossed her arms and grumbled sourly under her breath while the matron and an Imp conversed and finished up paperwork. The Imp bounced on his feet as he awaited the returned and signed approval paper from the Sin that handled anything and everything related to Hellhounds.
"Alright, sir." The matron of the orphanage drawled as she gave an imp covered in white burn scars a plaque displaying an approved adoption paper. "You and your new daughter can close in together for a picture. I'd be careful though, she always fought getting her Hellbies shots."
"If that isn't a confirmation, I don't know what is." Blake said, looking horrified. "Hellbies Shots sound vile."
"No! Bae, why are you in Hell?!" Yang groaned.
"I'd make a comment… but it writes itself." Weiss did her best to hold back her giggles.
"...Are the Hellhounds...sentient and subservient?" Pyrrha asked. "Look at those…rooms."
"Those are cells." Ren deadpanned.
"...Wow, this show is wild." Nora hummed.
"Eh, I'll handle it." The grinning Imp held the plaque in his hands and turned to the very irritated teenager behind him. "Here we are, Loony! Check it out, we're official~!"
"Officially going to barf – Don't call me 'Loony'." The wolf-like Hellhound growled.
"Found the love interest." Blake, Nora and Jaune said unanimously.
"Wha–No! No!" Yang scowled. "This-this-this little goth ...Blake, what's a term I can use that isn't too derogatory for a female dog?"
"Bitch?" Blake asked.
"Thanks for the permission!" Yang grinned and then scowled again. "This little goth bitch is not getting Bae!"
"Wait, I–...I walked into that one." The Faunus groaned into her hand.
"Mister Blitzo, the picture?" The matron drawled, gesturing at the photo shoot setup. The Imp's grin fell as he glared at the old bitch. He turned around and put his hands on his hips.
"For the last fucking time, it's just 'Blitz'. The 'O' is silent! I've told you twenty fuckin times today!"
"...That's weird." Ruby frowned.
"That's so fucking stupid, if it's silent, why do you keep fucking writing it?" The teenage hound grumbled as she crossed her arms.
"That's what I just said! ...Just, with less swears."
"You'll understand when you're older, Loony-Toony!" Blitzø grabbed her sleeve and pulled her along to the photo staging area, ignoring the way her nails dug into the ground and the growl she emitted. "Now, c'mon! We gotta get started on those family photos, I've got fifteen years to catch up on–!"
"I'm seventeen, jackass. Fuck, I was literally a month away from fucking freedom..."
"Eh, tomato potato. Teenagers are teenagers." He released her sleeve and turned to face her while he held the plaque up. "Alright, we're ready whenever you are, bitch!"
"Don't call me that. Little asshole." The Matron uttered lowly before she held up a polaroid. "Smile."
The image that developed only had one smile in it. There were four more attempts, one near maiming, and threats of a lawsuit before the new father and daughter duo walked out of Pride's Orphanage with the first image and their new adoption license framed.
"...That sounds...hostile." Jaune frowned.
"I mean, sounds fitting." Ren shrugged. "It's Hell."
"Point."
(Now: Imp City, Outside I.M.P. Offices)
"This must be it." A short hooded figure huffed as they ran over to the door that had a stylized I.M.P. Immediate Murder Professionals embalmed on the glass. A loud amount of shrieking and yelling took place on the other side, so they knew the company had staff inside. An annoyed growl left their lips when they failed to reach the door handle. Fine.
They reared their left foot back and kicked, not once, not twice, but five times.
"Excessive, much?" Yang huffed.
"I know that foot." Nora frowned.
"Do you? Do you really?" Jaune asked dryly. The manic member of team JNPR scoffed.
"Duh! It was in the first scene!"
"...What?"
"I'm not explaining it. Not my fault you weren't paying attention, Jaune."
"Oh, who the fuck could that be–?"
"A client, dipshit! Someone should get the door!"
"Right...I'll-wha-whoa fuck!"
"BLITZ!"
"Fuck mah, tail! Untangle before ya jump, asshole!"
"...Ahem, oh, Loony? Can you go get the door?"
"I'm busy."
"You're watching an old celebrity interview! How is that being busy?!"
"That's my business, fatass."
"I know this is apparently Hell and all, but this is a very toxic work environment." Jaune couldn't help but note. "How businesses work down there is beyond me."
"Barely. They barely work. If that theory is correct, it's Hell." Weiss snorted. "Work is overrated."
"You're on thin ice, Schnee." Yang warned. "Don't try to make jokes."
"She has a point, Moxxie. It is her business, and we should respect that...But, Loony, as your father and your boss...I need you to get the door, just this once? Okay? Please? Okay. Okay? Okay! Thanks honey!"
"...You fuckers wouldn't leave me alone until I do, will you? Dammit, fine."
The short hooded figure bounced on the tip of their toes and nibbled on their lip. They were running out of time, hurry hurry hurry! The door handle clicked and it was pulled open. A pretty Hellhound with grey-white fur, clad in the type of clothes one could only describe as goth stood on the other side with a curled lip.
"What the fuck do–?!" Her snarl cut off when she didn't find anyone immediately in front of her. She blinked and looked around, before she growled. "Goddammit, I walked over here for no fuckin' reason. Blitzø, it's just those little Door Dashing shitters at it again–!"
"Um, wait, please!"
"She said please!" Ruby gasped. "Favorite character!"
"I might be in agreement with Ruby." Pyrrha smiled. "Manners go a long way."
"...Yes, I concur." Weiss frowned.
The short figure interjected, making the Hellhound look down. Red eyes stared down into light blue. Without looking away, the Hellhound leaned back.
"...Hey, assholes? Did that annoying little human shitter ever turn up again after we killed him?"
"...Be more specific!"
"We killed a lot of annoying humans this week!"
"What?!" The group shrieked.
"But they're so kooky and zany! I feel like its all a lie!" Ruby bemoaned, hands over her eyes.
"The kid, the fuckin' cat kid that got on all of our nerves?!"
"...That feels like a dig." Blake frowned.
"Well, she is a dog." Yang pointed out with a smirk.
"You can't be that mean and make fun of her for how she looks, Yang." Ruby chided.
"This whole show is for the birds." Jaune complained.
"Oh, him...I haven't seen him? Mox? Mills?"
"Nope – crumbs, that hurts!"
"Nuh-uh–OW! FUCK! Watch it, Blitz! Some of us still have feeling in that part of our tail!"
"Well, move your phat ass, then Mills! I mean, damn."
"Oh, so they're so dysfunctional that they work together?" Jaune asked.
"Seems that way." Ren nodded.
"Wait, Blitz? Wasn't that the red thing earlier?" Yang asked.
"The one who's name is spelled with an O, but kept silent." Nora nodded. She grinned. "He's foul, but funny."
"Okay." The Hellhound looked back down at the Hooded Figure. She crossed her arms. "So...Are you lost or something, kid? Because the nearest daycare is...fuck, I actually don't know."
"Is this I.M.P.?" The Hooded Figure asked. The Hellhound blinked and then snorted.
"You can read. I'm almost impressed–"
"Listen, is it or not!?" The Hooded Figure snapped with a small growl. The Hellhound's lips trembled and the Hooded Figure's eye twitched again. Her growl increased and the Hellhound snorted and looked away.
"Loona, is it a customer or another revenge scheme?!"
"It's just a fucking Hellhound Pup!" Loona shouted back.
"I'm a customer!" The pup shouted and didn't flinch when Loona glared down at her.
"...Pretty sure that's illegal! Even for Hell!"
"And there's confirmation." Ren hummed
"Not in some parts of Lust. And a few dark corners of Greed...I wouldn't recommend going th–Ah! Finally! Ooh, haaa...crumbs on a stick..."
"Look, kid." Loona growled at the Pup and pointed a claw at her. "I don't know what you think we do, but we do business with Sinners for Sinners, not local jobs. Sorry, but–"
"...There's worldbuilding...but the dig...but the lore!" Blake whined. The struggle was real.
"I have money!" The pup growled and pulled her pink Verosika Mayday character backpack from her shoulders.
"Um, what?! Why is that little girl–"
"Puppy!" Nora sang.
"Carrying a backpack with a literal succubus on it!?" Weiss asked.
"...How do you know–?" Blake asked.
"Advanced Literature, we covered early Humanity's terrible views of Faunus." Weiss waved her off.
It dropped with a thump in front of her and Loona rolled her eyes.
"Then save it to buy an ice cream for lunch at school tomorrow and go do your homework or some shit–"
"Gah, Blitzø, you cheap fucker!"
"You wish, Mills!" A burnt faced Imp slid out into the room before he came up behind Loona. He stopped and put his hands to his cheeks. "Aww, wook at that cute widdle fashe! Oh, it reminds me of when you were that little, Loo–Oomph!"
"Ha! Good girl!" Nora laughed. "Eat backpack, nerd!"
"Nora," Ren sighed. "We are not going around throwing things at our classmates."
"B-But–!"
"The only exception is during combat class." Jaune deadpanned. Nora crossed her arms and pouted.
"...Nice throw." Loona mumbled around a smirk after watching the backpack get whipped at the Imp. She blinked and her jaw popped open. "Fuck me sideways, is that–?"
"Ugh, what truck hit me and can I sue them–? Uh...Loona? Does this actual puppy have bars of gold in her backpack?!" Blitzø gawped as he shoved the backpack down and looked over the multiple bars that clattered out. "...There...Has to be...How...Suck me hard, that's about fifteen pounds of...Why do you have twelve fifteen pound gold bars in your backpack?!"
"...Fifteen pounds...twelve–...If my math is correct, that puppy just carried and threw at least two-hundred pounds of gold like it weighed nothing." Ren muttered.
"Damn." Yang whistled.
"Best character!" Nora grinned. "She got that Nora Strength!"
"Because I couldn't get to my Daddy's credit card, stupidhead." The Pup snarked, her hands on her hips as she glared at him. "Can I hire you now?"
"...Yeah. Yeah, I'm – we're all ears, kiddo." Blitzø nodded slowly. He waved his two subordinates over and they gawped with him at the heavy bars of gold that were scattered around him
"Good." She dug around in her purple hoodie's pocket and pulled out a small phone. She held it up and showed a selfie picture of the hooded pup grinning beside a fugly little Chinese Crested pup the same age.
"What the flippity frick on a stick is that?!" Yang recoiled.
"That is...An unfortunate puppy." Pyrrha winced.
"Now, hang on. It's just a pup. Maybe it grows up into a beautiful doggy?" Ruby suggested with a weak smile.
"Kill it with fire." Weiss and Nora deadpanned.
"It's a puppy!" Jaune protested. "And Y'know, it's not so bad. It's actually kinda–"
"Don't finish that sentence, Jaune." Ren suggested, putting a hand over his team leader's mouth. "I agree, but for our safety, just don't."
"Eh, it's not much different than any other dog." Blake shrugged. The Humans turned to her and she arched a brow. "What? Those little monsters torment me."
"This is Zara. She's my best friend. A bunch of bad guys snatched her while we were walking home."
"...Okay?"
"I think she wants us to do a recovery operation, sir." Moxxie whispered to Blitzø. He leaned over to him and hissed out of the side of his mouth.
"I figured that out, Mox, but we kill shit."
"And bodyguard."
"That was one time!" Blitzø growled at Millie's helpful interjection. He rubbed his temples and looked back at the frowning pup. "Look, kid, recovery isn't exactly in our M.O."
"I know," the Puppy pouted before she perked up and her tail started to wag frantically. "But you're the cheapest ones closest to home and Daddy doesn't know who you are!"
"...Someone needs to give you the stranger danger talk ASAP – Not it!" Blitzø declared and pointed at Millie. "Mills, delegating it to you."
"Wait, whu–? I mean, sure, but why me specifically?!"
"Because Moxxie's an idiot – I mean, I love you, Moxxie, but you're just so stupid–" Blitzø shook his head.
"You literally got us tangled up with you while you were chasing your tail, sir." Moxxie deadpanned. He was ignored. Again.
"I resonate with him on a deep level." Ren said with a sense of solidarity.
"Because you're an idiot?" Nora asked with a smirk. He huffed a small laugh.
"No."
"Loony, well...she doesn't play nice with other Hounds."
"And I don't babysit." Loona growled as she went back to her desk. The Puppy watched her go with slightly perked ears before they went flat.
"I don't like her." Nora and Pyrrha deadpanned.
"Get used to her." Ren told his friend. "She's the love interest."
"Pff, that just proves Naruto has terrible taste. In food and in women!"
"You take that back." Yang scowled.
"Make me!"
"No fighting!" Ruby snapped.
"You don't? Funny, I could've sworn that's what watching Blitz counts as." Millie said with a smirk. The older Hellhound snorted while Blitzø's smile strained.
"...Millie," he rubbed his temples and then grabbed Moxxie's tail before they stormed over to his office. "Look, just fuckin' entertain the cute puppy that is paying us in literal what the fuck wealth while we brainstorm real quick, okay? And try to get her to sign the fuckin' waiver."
"Twist my nips about it. Fiiine." She walked over and crouched in front of the Puppy. "Hey sug, my name's Millie. The boys are gonna go make a plan to get your friend back, but we got some boring grown up stuff we gotta go over first. Okay?"
"You mean legal waivers and payment agreements right? Do you have them filed separately or are packets pre-drafted according to business?" Millie's eyes went wide and Loona leaned out from behind her desk to stare incredulously as the little Pup began bouncing on her feet again and then stopped. She put a finger on her lip as she looked up. "But, if your clients are all mostly walk-ins or spontaneous calls, do you make them wait for results until the paperwork is done or do you do paperwork after the hit is completed? You'd be more productive if you had a separate hire or even a team to help your secretary organize the hits by location, difficulty, and flight-risks."
"At least someone understands a good work ethic when it comes to paperwork." Weiss nodded.
"...Ohh, my favorite is just like my bestie!" Ruby grinned and leaned into Weiss' side.
"No." Weiss flicked Ruby on the nose.
"...Wha?"
"...Oh! You're one o' the muscle. Sorry, it's a lot to go over, I know." The Puppy nodded. Millie worked her mouth for a few minutes before the purple-hooded girl smiled. "Can I see the paperwork?"
"...Sh-Sure, sugar." Millie blinked and led the puppy to another side room. As she did, she looked back at Loona, who held her arms up in an equally bewildered shrug. The Imp looked back at the puppy with a strained smile. "Okay, hon, first things first...what's yer name?"
"Uz–Uh, Himawari! I'm just Himawari! Yep!" The Puppy, er Himawari, smiled back as she hopped into a seat by the table. She looked around and sniffed the air before she gagged and covered her nose. "Ew, smells like Daddy's room after Roxanne comes over."
"I don't know who Roxanne is, but she too must die." Yang frowned.
"She's in Hell." Blake pointed out.
"Double death, then!"
"Oh, is Roxanne your daddy's girlfriend?" Millie asked as she pulled the required papers out of the filing cabinet. Himawari kicked her legs as she laughed. Her response made the Imp pause and fight to make her mouth work, again.
"Nah, she's just a thirsty bitch he works with. They got an arrangement and scratch each other's backs every now and then."
"...I have a new reason to hate this Roxanne bitch."
"You don't even know who she is!" Blake sighed.
"Bae." Yang grunted, arms crossed.
"For the last time, that's not an argument!"
A loud vibration had her stop and look at her cute purple Hellphone out. "Uh-oh. Oh no. Oh no. Um, Miss Millie?"
"Just Millie's fine, hon. What's wrong?"
"I...Don't think I'll be able to hire you guys." She whimpered and her ears fell back.
"Sad puppy? Why?" Ruby frowned.
"Just point me in a direction." Nora growled and readied Magnhild.
"Where do you keep getting that from!?" Jaune shrieked.
"Hammerspace, Jaune. Duh."
"...Wh-why's that sweetie? I'm sure you heard Blitzø say he and my hubby, that's the cute one he dragged off, were making plans to save your friend." Millie silently swore to Heaven and back. All that fuckin' gold was theirs, right? How did transfer of funds work in Pride? She really should've brushed up–
"Because, um, Daddy just turned on my locator." She whined and her lip warbled. Her eyes filled with water and her tail curled around her lap. "He's gonna be so mad at me..."
"Oh, no, no, sweetheart, don't cry. Shh, shh, shh–" Millie panicked a little as she came over and gathered the HellPuppy that was nearly as tall as she was into her arms. "It's okay, shh...Why would your Daddy be mad at you? Is he gonna hurt you?"
"No! ...I just...Its my fault Zara got snatched...I'm s'posed to be home on time, y'know?" The pup whimpered and wiped at her eye. She started whining again. "But I didn'–didn't listen! I was a bad girl!"
"Gasp! Who would call her a bad girl?! It's illegal!" Nora gasped, her heart nearly tearing itself up at the sad puppy face!
"No! Don't cry! It's like if Zwei was taken to get his S-H-O-T!" Ruby sniffled.
"Shh, shh..." Millie stroked the puppy's head and glared briefly over her shoulder in the direction of Blitzø's office. That bastard better give her a decent fucking share of that gold – they better be able to keep it! – after she had to deal with a crying puppy. Happy Hellpups were one thing, this was out of her job description! "It's okay, hon. It's okay."
"Poor puppy!"
"Alright, Nora, calm down. It's a fictional character." Jaune tried to appease his teammate.
"Not the argument you want to make." Blake shook her head.
"What, why–?" Jaune's question was interrupted as his rabid teammate got in his face.
"I will break your legs, Jaune Arc! How could you be so heartless! May the curse of pancakes be upon you, may your waffles forever be soggy and half-defrosted!" Nora seethed. Ren had to pull her back to her seat with Pyrrha's help.
"Speaking from experience...and it's Nora." Blake answered.
"Another boring fucking day." Loona huffed as she scrolled through Sinstagram and barely listened to the causal violent ambiance of Imp City.
"...Stupid lazy goth girl..." Yang mumbled.
"She really shouldn't be on her phone while working." Weiss reluctantly sided with her furious teammate.
There were a lot more gunshots and car crashes than usual, but nothing ultimately new. She lowered her phone slightly and listened in on the others. Blitzø and Fatty were still bickering over looking up the missing pup – totally sucks to be her right now – and Millie was dealing with the blubbering little rich kid.
Yeah, Loona's sympathy for the brat might've bottomed out the second those bars of gold hit their floor. Sure, it sucked losing a friend like that, but when you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you don't tend to notice how hard real life was. Must've hit the little brat just now what happened. Maybe a truth bomb broke her? Meh, she didn't really care.
Alright, her hourly sentry duty was done and– Wait. Oh, those were some heavy footsteps. A lot of them. Maybe six or seven? Wow, been a while since there was a group request. Alright, it was probably a bunch of frat guys that–Loona's gaze snapped from her phone to the door, ears up and alert.
That sounded like...a radio receiver being clicked. Faint chatter, for sure. Loona slowly slid out of her chair and lowered down under her desk. She retrieved the sidearm that Blitzø tucked in her bottom drawer – shithead dad he might be sometimes, but Blitzø got her licensed and trained up on modern weaponry because guns weren't toys – and simultaneously tripped the silent alarm. He and Fatty should be out here in thirty seconds; Millie would have to keep an eye on the crying kid a bit longer. She slowly rose back up and returned to her indifferent posture, sidearm on her lap, thumb on the safety.
"Safeties on until we have confirmation."
"Roger."
"These poor shitheads have no idea the Wrath they just brought down upon them."
"Mute it." Loona felt her ears perk at the growl. That wasn't a Sinner-Wolf, those guys always thought they were hot shit up until their five inch exposures gave away their pasts as humans. Well, except for Hugh Grunt. Nineteen solid inches... Oh, hey, the not Sinner-Wolf growler was talking again. "No one fires a fucking shot until I say so. If they're smart, they'll let me talk this out. Understood?"
"Roger, Boss."
"Copy."
"Alright." A large silhouette blocked the light of their office. A knuckle rapped on the door. Then again. And again.
"It's unlocked, asshole!" Loona kept her voice as steady as she could while her tail flirted behind her and betrayed her nerves. Her eyes narrowed and glanced at the office Millie took the Pup into. The fuck kind of mess did this pup drag her into? Because this was so not worth the – Her eyes went wide and her ears went back as the door opened.
A tall, round-shouldered, tight chested, orange-coated Hellhound decked out in a fitted black shirt under a bulletproof vest walked in. He scanned the room, zeroed in on the backpack and gold bars on the ground – they should've really picked those up – before his eyes – Blue, blue eyes. Fuck, those are pretty eyes – landed on her. His lips pulled up into a small smile and he strode over to her desk.
"...Wow, Naruto grew!" Jaune gawped.
"Yeah, he did." Nora grinned. "Bigger."
"...Darn it, Nora." Pyrrha groaned.
"Ha! Pyrrha's dirty mind rears its head again!"
"Hi!"
"Whoa." Blake let her brows rise up. "That's a sexy voice."
"Blake–"
"It is, Yang.
"Either he went through puberty twice–" Pyrrha started.
"Which is totally possible." Nora nodded.
"Or he suffered damage in his throat. Possibly in a fight or–"
"Let me fantasize how Bae hurt his throat, thank you." Yang huffed.
Loona's tail wagged as the warm and husky voice breached her ears. He turned and partially planted his hip – connected to a tight, firm ass, she knew it had to be, fuck this guy's built! – on the corner of her desk. He crossed one leg over the other – package estimate: Big. Big boy. Mm.
"Look at the size of that whammer!" Nora gasped.
"That is large...Darn it." Pyrrha groaned.
"Ha! Pyrrha looked!" Nora teased.
"You looked too," Ren said with a smirk.
"Yeah, but, too big for my britches. Literally."
– so that the ankle of his digitigrade foot rested on his knee. The act also drew her eye to the empty holster on his hip. Oh. Fuck. "Pardon the intrusion, but judging by the backpack on the floor – and the gold bars that I'm pretty sure should still be in my safe – I wonder if you could help me find my daughter?"
"...Yes, Daddy."
"By the lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch!" Yang gasped outrageously. "She. Did. Not!"
"She did." Blake smirked.
Fuck. No. NO! Dammit, Loona! Her eyes scrunched shut. Stupid fucking – so lame, Loona! You're so fucking lame! "Shit, sorry! Hot are you–fuck! I mean–You're pretty, I think. Shit."
"...Clever bitch, she's got no sex appeal so she's going for the awkward angle." Yang scowled.
"No, she's got the cute clumsy thing going on. It's the Ruby Effect." Weiss corrected Yang. "That can't be faked."
"Double clever bitch."
"How do you know?" Blake asked with a smirk.
"Experiments."
"I feel like we need details–"
"Not even if there was a gun to Zwei's head."
"He's not even in the Kingdom."
"My stance remains firm."
"Well, uh, thanks?" He chuckled awkwardly once she managed to clam up. Fuck. She felt her ears burn. She was so lame. Dammit. He coughed and scratched his cheek. "I, uh, I think you're pretty, too."
"...Bae, what are you doing?! Grab your tiny child – that should be partially mine – and go!"
"He could be working an angle, but he could also be playing this out." Jaune mused aloud. The other blonde in the room gave him such an evil eye, he turned away to hide from the stormy gaze. "Or-or he should listen to you."
"Yeah. Know your role, Puke Boy."
"Urk!"
...What? Her eyes cracked open to find him still smiling warmly at her. Oh-kay. ..Did-did he like..was his thing about sleeping with losers? She could totally be a loser. Easy as breathing! Shit, she'd be the losiest loser he'd ever fucking seen because goddamn, he was so fuckin' ho–holding a sidearm!
The tactical clothed hunk sitting on her desk and flirting – he was flirting, right?
"No."
Yeah?
"No."
Yes. Yes he fucking was.
"Goddammit." Yang scowled.
With Loona? Lunatic Loona? Loser Loona? She couldn't believe this hot guy was flirting with her after that lame spew of words!
"I can't either." Yang scowled.
"Try to be nice, Yang. This girl's clearly been bullied." Blake deadpanned at her partner.
"I...What do you want from me? She's going after Bae!"
"So does ninety percent of the freaking populace!"
"GASP! BLAKE!" Ruby pointed at her. "No! We don't swear like that! Put a lien in the swear jar later!"
"...I'm not even dignifying that with a response." Blake rubbed her temples.
"I hate to say it, but I'm on Yang's side." Weiss huffed. "How can so many individuals find this buffoon attractive?"
"...Your face is red. Why?" Nora asked.
"It started glowing after this bigger Naruto started talking." Ruby shrugged. Eyes turned to her. "What? She's my bestie and my teammate! I pay attention to my team's health, guys. It's part of being a leader."
"Aww, lil sis!" Yang gushed.
"...Are we ignoring the fact that Ruby just outed Weiss for being interested in Naruto's sexy new voice?" Nora asked. Eyes turned to her this time. She shrugged. "Hey, if we are? Whatever. It happened."
– with her, rested his other hand, the one that didn't scratch his marked cheek, on his crossed leg...and showed off the sidearm he held in it.
"Nice." Ruby nodded with a grin. "Now that's a pistol."
"It must be nice to live in your world, Ruby." Weiss sighed.
"But you do live in my world, Bestie Better Than the Restie!"
"Not what I meant."
Right. Loona almost forgot about that part.
"Any other day I'd love to follow up on that, but like I said." He gestured at the mess on the floor with his empty hand. "Kind of looking for my daughter."
"...We're not a daycare." She managed. He nodded around a laugh. Her tail wagged, she made him laugh. Okay. Maybe they could avoid a shootout. All she had to do was tell Blitz it was a false alarm and...Wait, he should've been out here by now so where was–?
Blitzø's office door was kicked open and he and Fatty jumped out, guns aimed at the hot DILF sitting on her desk and flirting with her and god-dammit she had forgotten about that part.
"Okay, shitstain to be, you have thirty fucking seconds to get off of my secretary's desk and get the F-U-Q, that's the fuck, out of my waiting room!"
"...I don't think he knows how to spell." Pyrrha frowned. "That's...sad."
"Isn't that her 'dad'?" Jaune asked.
"No, that's her adoptive father." Nora said, waving her hand dismissively. She pointed at the taller Hellhound. "Naruto's her 'Daddy'. She said so earlier."
"...So, there's an imp in charge of I.M.P.?" Aw, no, fuck...hot DILF was leaving? Dammit. She felt her tail stop and her ears drooped. That totally fucking figures. He tilted his head and glanced down. His nostrils flared and his tail flicked once before the safety on his gun was flicked off. "That's imp-ressive."
"…Punny Bae!"
...Oh, fuck, he was a DILF with an emphasis on the D...for two reasons. Loona had mixed feelings about that. ...No, the dick was totally worth some bad dad jokes.
"Yeah I–...Imp-ressive...That's pretty fucking good." Blitzø fought to keep his face straight. He looked the DILF over and he better stop thinking that shit right fucking now, Loona saw him first! Fatty clearly felt similarly – probably more about getting Blitz to focus than getting to the DILF – as he elbowed Blitz. "Uh, right. You need something, Fido? I'm working on a job here, and finding some big dumb mutt harassing my secretary is not helping me get through it."
"My daughter."
"Yeah? You got the whole shebang? A bitch and spares back home? How does the missus feel about you flirting while losing a brat?"
"I think you're needlessly escalating the situation, y'know. Let's all four of us–" His eyes glanced at Loona and she felt her ears go back in further embarrassment. Dammit, he saw the gun. Please tell her that didn't knock any points off. "–Put our guns away before someone gets hurt."
"You mean you?" Blitzø asked.
"Yes, I mean I am technically outnumbered right now."
"...Technically?" Fatty repeated incredulously. He shook his head. "We've got four barrels to your one."
"...I'm glad you can count. You a math guy? You look like a math guy. Tell me, Math Guy,
"Ha, nerd." Nora smiled.
"Math isn't that bad." Weiss frowned. "It's good to have someone, I don't know, with some intelligence in this wild cast of miscreants."
"Weiss is a nerd too. Go figure."
Weiss gave Nora a deadpan look.
"We already knew that," Ren said. "She was interested in Neptune."
"Ah, right. Man, I hope those guys are doing okay." Nora drummed her fingers on her knee. "He'd probably say intellectual at least three times by now."
"Possibly even five." Ren nodded.
do you know how long it takes for a three-thirty-eight to cross a street?" DILF asked.
"That's not fair." Ruby huffed.
"What?" Weiss asked.
"He can't answer that! There's too many variables! He didn't give a possible wind velocity, width of the street, angle of the shot or a rifle model, custom or–" Ruby shuddered "– standard! It could be anywhere between three point two seconds or zero point zero zero zero five seconds!"
The room of older teenagers stared at her, save one.
"And that is why she's the black sheep of the family." Yang sighed and shook her head. "Where did Dad and I go wrong?"
Loona furrowed her brows while the Imps gave the Hellhound a confused stare.
The door frame exploded by Blitzø's head
"He exploded the door frame with his mind bullets!" Nora gasped.
"I want that!" Ruby declared.
"I doubt that's what happened." Weiss shook her head. "He was just inquiring about a bullet's trajectory speed. I'm guessing there's a sniper perched somewhere nearby."
"...Why a sniper?" Ruby frowned.
"Because that's what they do."
"Uh, best buddy? I don–"
"No."
"But–"
"No." Weiss crossed her arms. "You're the exception, dolt. Not the rule."
and he yelped before he clutched his arm and dropped, and Fatty flicked the safety on his rifle–Another shot hit the butt of Fatty's gun that popped over his shoulder, jostled him and the chambered bullet flew wide, shattering Loona's work computer.
"Fuck!" She yelped and ducked down, hands on her ears. A minute passed before she dared to pop back up. She gulped and sought out the DILF. He moved so fast in such a short amount of time! Hopefully that was just in combat and not–There he is. Oh, that's an image.
His large foot pinned Fatty to the ground while he held Blitzø to the wall in one hand by the throat and his sidearm pressed into the Imp's jaw. His lips were pulled back in a snarl and my oh my what big teeth Daddy had.
"...Can we save this picture?" Blake asked.
"Why?" Weiss frowned.
"Oh, you know. Reasons. Unimportant reasons." Blake muttered. She felt the weight of her teammate's stare on her person.
...That's a thought I can't share with anyone ever in my life. Loona thought as her ears folded.
"Listen...I just want my daughter. Just tell me where she is and, so long as she's not harmed, we all walk away."
"You stupid fuck…" Blitzø lifted his golden flintlock up and put it to the DILF's gut. "I have you dead to rig–"
DILF holstered his sidearm, grabbed the barrel, and jerked. The barrel of the pistol was bent to a full ninety-degrees. Hold that thought, Loona needed to check something. Checking... Checking... Checking and... yep. Yeah. She was so glad she didn't wear panties today. Shame about these shorts though.
"...I will not sympathize with the enemy...I will not sympathize with the enemy!" Yang growled.
"That was awesome." Nora grinned.
"That poor flintlock!" Ruby choked back a sob. "It was gone too soon! He's a heartless monster!"
"...Ah...Huh." Blitzø looked at the pistol with furrowed brows. He dropped the gun and then noticed Loona. His eyes lit up and–Wait, no, he wasn't seriously thinking she'd help him with this, was he? Uh, no, fuck that. She wanted the DILF to fuck her, not fuck her up.
"...I will not sympathize with the enemy..." Yang grumbled.
"You, uh...you work out, then?"
"I'm a busy guy, Imp. I need to be somewhere in...five minutes? Less? So I'm going to ask again: Where is my daughter?" DILF growled and drew his sidearm again. His tail lashed and his ass was so fucking tight. She turned the flash off of her phone and snuck a picture...
"...I'm jealous." Yang pouted at the pic being taken. And she couldn't have one! The world wasn't fair.
"Same." Blake blurted out, before her eyes widened and she looked mortified. She felt the eyes fall on her and shrank into her seat. She squirmed under the weight. "Oh, come on! It's a nice butt! Yeah, it's not real, but–C'mon say it's not!"
"You don't have to justify yourself to us, Blake." Ruby reached over to pat her on the knee. "We love you despite your weird taste in booties."
"Yes. Love." Yang grumbled. Lowly with narrowed eyes she hissed. "You're dead to me, Bellabooty."
Blake groaned. She could've gone years without hearing that again.
Loona had needs, okay? If Blitzø was going to ruin this for her, she was going to have something to remember the day by.
"Look, pal, I wanna help you, but if you keep threatening me–"
"I'm not threatening anyone with anything." DILF's next growl shook the room – sweet fuck – and he leaned in. "I'm promising you that if I do not get an answer, you get a new hole."
"And not in a fun way."
"Darn it, Nora!"
"Ha-ha! Pyrrha is a pervert~!"
"Alright, big boy," Blitzø winked at her and then looked back at DILF. "I'm gonna count to five–!"
"I'm gonna count to three." The gun was pushed into Blitzø's jaw.
"Oh, that's a good turnaround." Jaune muttered, pulling a notepad out and taking note. "Using a lower number when threatened with a countdown…"
"Does that list say 'phrases that make you sound badass and when to deliver them'?" Pyrrha asked.
"No!" Jaune squeaked and put the notepad away.
"Oh. Shame. I was interested in number six."
Wait, oh, fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck, he was serious! He was serious! Loona, your fucking meal ticket is about to bite it! Do something! DILF growled and twisted the barrel into the imp's jaw. "One...Two..."
"Daddy, wait!" The little brat hurried out of the meeting room andslammed into his leg, sobbing and whining as she did.
"No! Best girl is crying!" Nora clutched at her chest and squirmed out of her seat. "My heart! It cannot take this abuse!"
"That is admittedly, very upsetting." Ren nodded.
All while standing on Fatty's face. "Sorry, sorry, sorry–!"
"W...Wut?" Blitzø wheezed. He gasped and grunted as he was dropped. Fatty wheezed and coughed as he was stepped off of – lucky little shit.
"Sweet Pickles." DILF sighed, safety-checked and then holstered the gun before he picked the Pup up. He sniffed and scented at her while the Pup cried and whined, her tail wagging furiously while his did so at a more sedate pace. He scented her neck one last time before he settled her on his hip and let her hug him around his neck – lucky little bitch – as he nuzzled her. "God dammit...Himawari Uzumaki, you know you can't scare Daddy like that. We have the rules for a reason."
...Oh, sweet fuck, he really was her dad. Holy shit he's a legit DILF. Her tail wriggled and she bit her lip.
"We knew that, but DILF status is so rare." Yang sighed.
"...Wait." Ruby's eyes went wide and turned to Yang. "Is that why so many girls at school stayed for extra help with dad?!"
"I mean, yeah? I don't know why either, but apparently he was pretty popular, Rubes."
"...I have no true girl friends at Patch." Ruby said in a solemn tone. "Only my guy friends."
"Eh, hate to break it to you, Rubes, but Grayson came out right after graduation."
"...Came out where?" The silver-eyed girl blinked.
"Oh, Ruby." Blake sighed. She gave Weiss a pointed look and the girl sighed before she leaned over and whispered into their team leader's ear.
"...Oh! ...Ohhh...Wait, but he always wanted to–? ...But...But that's my dad..." Ruby's face shifted through many emotions.
"I-I know. I'm-I...Daddy, th-they took Zara–! Took Zara and it was all my fault!" The Pup whined and sobbed.
"Well, there's only one solution for this." Nora mumbled, gravely serious. She hopped to her feet. "Ren, Jaune, Pyrrha, prepare for war! We're going to Hell and we must rescue that fugly little puppy!"
"Nora…" Pyrrha sighed.
"Wh–Right. Just a show. I knew that." Nora frowned and sat down.
Now Loona had a bit more sympathy for the kid. Her dad was a glorified sexy badass...and they tended to have enemies. Enemies that didn't think twice about coming after family.
"No, shh, shh, shh it's okay, Pickle. Uncle Rex and Kodi are getting her back right now." He muttered as his lips pressed to her head. He sighed and pulled back to push her hood down – Unholy shit. She's adorable. That kid needed to keep her hood down more often, Loona might've been more willing to listen if she were distracted by the pup's cuteness.
"Sho cuuuute!" Nora and Weiss gushed.
"Meh, not a Zwei, but I see the appeal." Ruby nodded.
Maybe. – and stroked some of her hair out of her face. "Oh, and baby girl...? You're grounded."
"BOO!" Nora jeered. "Worst father ever!"
"Eh, I could think of worse." Weiss muttered.
"Aww..."
He started to walk out, stopped and walked back to the desk to put a card down that he pulled from a back pocket. A pen was clicked and he scrawled something before he set that down as well. He met her gaze from where she stared at him from behind the desk and that same warm smile flashed her way again.
"Sorry for the damages. Contact me if any issues getting it fixed come up." He straightened out and looked at his daughter. "C'mon kiddo. Everyone's waiting to see you. You made 'em all so scared."
"..Sorry.."
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to, Pickle."
"Ugh, that name is...is…" Weiss felt her eye twitch as she tried to come up with a word other than the one she was thinking.
"Stupid?" Blake mocked.
"Unoriginal?" Yang sneered.
"A food?" Ruby offered.
"It's...curse it, it's adorable! There I said it!" Weiss pouted. The sibling teammates she had hugged her and cooed playfully while the last smirked at her from her seat at the other end of the couch. "GET OFF OF ME!"
Sure enough, a chorus of cheers and coos greeted them as they walked into the hall. Loona's ear flinched by the raucous noise that their leaving left. She sighed and pulled herself back into her seat and grabbed the card DILF left. It was stock white with W.T.F. in bold faded into the background.
"What the freak could that mean?" Jaune frowned.
"It's probably some sort of gag." Weiss muttered.
Wild Things Facilitated – Want it done right? Get Wild Tonight
"It's...It's a business card?" Weiss felt her eye twitch. "Everything I know is a lie."
"His business card has a pun!" Yang grinned widely.
"Oh, great." Blake sank down in her seat.
XXX-GET-WILD or WTF2Night(a)Gluttnet
Oh, Gluttony organization. She flipped to the back and there was the handwritten scrawl. Her ears lit up and her tail wagged. A personal number was there, along with a note.
xxx-458-8069
Anytime you want me to follow up – N
P.S. Keep the gold.
"Murder the she-bitch! She got deets!" Yang howled with fury.
"Do-do you not have an off button? I feel like you have a set reaction for any time this happens?" Weiss asked tiredly.
"Look, it helps me. If it helps me, it makes me feel better. So, why break a good formula?" Yang shrugged before she went back to her rage speech, shaking fist included. "Death to the interloper–!"
"Wouldn't it be 'interloona'?" Ruby asked.
""Ruby NO!"" Blake and Weiss snapped. Yang beamed.
"Ruby, yes! Brilliant little sis!" She cleared her throat. "Death to the InterLoona!"
She looked at Blitzø, the hole in the wall, the gold on the floor, and her destroyed computer. Then back at her wheezing 'dad'. She'd...probably not share this with him. She saw the DILF first.
"No, I saw him first!"
"Technically, the baby momma saw him first." Nora pointed out.
"You...Oh, you're lucky we've been banned from fighting on school property, Valkyrie." Yang growled.
"Yeah, cuz I'll whup your butt."
"...Tabling that." Yang said tightly, eye twitching. "Tabling that for another day."
Once he tucked Himawari into bed, he stalked out of her room and let the door softly click shut behind him. He made his way over to the security keypad and turned the house security on. He walked back to his room and almost finished stripping down for the day before a ding emitted from his laptop. Sighing and re-fastening his pants so they wouldn't fall off in the event he needed to be on camera
"No! C'mon!" Yang groaned.
"That is a ...surprising amount of definition for an anthropomorphic creature." Weiss mused, blinking furiously.
"And you would know because…?" Blake looked at her.
"The internet exists, Blake." Weiss pointed out.
"Fair enough."
– he was almost blacklisted from working with Carmella Carmine for flashing her during a meeting when his then three-year-old daughter suddenly broke in – flipped the screen up as he sat in his chair and opened the decryptor. The email buzzed as it came through and he skimmed through it.
Official report...Small time 'Family' in Greed...Funds dwindling...Heard about latest investment. His watch beeped. Ah, shit, it was Sunday already, wasn't it? Time to get this over with. He opened a private chat and requested a video call. The call was answered and a black wolf-like hound with a scarred eye appeared on the other end as he ducked into the hallway.
"...See, for some reason, I can't help but think he's rugged." Jaune mused.
"You're not alone in that." Pyrrha admitted. "There's a warrior's charm to his appearance."
"He's missing an eye." Blake muttered.
"He's like a black, doggy boy version of Weiss!"
"...You're reaching, Rubes. You're reaching really hard with that one." Yang shook her head while the heiress in question gave her partner a flat glare.
"What'cha need, Boss?"
"Tex. I'm off the clock, man. We've talked about this."
"Right, sorry. What'd you need, Naruto?"
"Any of Queen Bee's shipments go missing lately?" Naruto asked, opening another report and skimming through it. Chase policed her shells, good, no wasted time.
"No. Nothing she's told me about...Hey, man, I heard about the pickles. They still good for the salad?"
"Still good. Fresh and tucked away in the fridge." Naruto sat back and worked his jaw. "You get that gig with Mayday again?"
"Day she's out, I'm back on the clock."
"Partying til it's over?"
"Yeah...Hey, man, you should swing by sometime. Bee wants to meet you."
"Sure, she does." Naruto huffed smirking. He scrolled through another encrypted email. "Not while she's got your dick. Listen, dude, you're six years too late to get me with that."
"Listen to me, I'm being dead-ass here. Bee wants to, uh, meet you...Meet my best friend."
"Well, have her schedule an appointment, then. I'm fucking busy." He hated it when the Sins and Goetia tried to make him shift his life around to fit their needs.
"Yeah! Stick it to The Man!" Nora grinned.
"Nora, he is a man...Boy? ...Guy-ish." Ruby amended with a shrug.
"No, 'The Man' is the big important people of the world, like the rich and powerful. Like Weiss' dad!"
"Ohh!" Ruby nodded. She looked at Weiss. "Your dad is 'The Man'?"
"My father is anything but." Weiss deadpanned.
He wasn't the youngest head of Hell's most successful Mercenary Company because he bent over backwards whenever he was told. He had to become organized and figure shit out because anyone else would get it wrong, and if they got it wrong, then there was a chance he didn't get back to what mattered the most.
"It'd just be easier if you'd come to a party, dude. Listen, I...I could take a day and watch–"
"Vortex." Naruto growled and removed his claws from his computer. They ground into the desk and clawed up the wood. "The Pickles were compromised today. I don't have time for your sober-assed conscious rearing its head five years too fucking late. Stick to the fuckin' arrangement you signed first; we keep each other informed, we stay the fuck in our own lanes, and we don't. Cross. Territory."
"Wait, is that an ex?" Yang asked, throat tight as she could sniff copper. "...Is...Is he bi?"
"If he is, he just became immeasurably hotter." Blake admitted. Yang looked at her and she shrugged. "What? I am. Like attracts like."
"...I am, too."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Huh."
"Wow, what are the odds you two would be partners and bi?" Nora asked.
Ruby leaned over to Weiss. "Psst. What's–?"
"Attracted to both men and women."
"Ohh...Oh! ...That's...Hm." Ruby furrowed her brow. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."
"Does it affect you directly in a negative way?" Weiss asked.
"No?"
"Then don't worry about it."
"Good idea!"
"...Yeah, I...Sorry, man. I don't...Don't know what I was thinking…"
"You weren't. You're probably high and don't fucking realize it." He glanced at a flashing light and pulled up the cameras. His eyes narrowed and his lip curled. "Fuckers...I have to go."
"Everything okay?"
"Looks like nightmares."
"Ah." Vortex shifted and scratched the back of his neck. "Hey, tell, uh...tell Pickles that I, uh–"
"I will. They know. You just keep our Queen happy and the honey flowing, Party Animal." Naruto hung up the call before another word could get in. He closed his laptop and went back down the hall to Himawari's room. The door was opened softly and unlocked and he picked the fussing Pup up with ease, stirring her from her scare and making her cling to him again.
"No! Sad puppy!" Nora wailed.
"Nora, this is getting ridiculous." Ren sighed. The wailing stopped and the teary-eyed Nora pouted at him. She pointed at Yang. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Good point, as you were."
"WAAAH! Best puppy, no! Don't be sad!"
"C'mere, Sunflower–Oof, baby, you're getting so big. Daddy won't be able to carry you anymore, soon." He chuckled and sobered as he nuzzled her head when she whimpered. "Bad dream?"
"Mm-hm." She nuzzled into his neck and he walked her around her room a bit.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Mm-mm."
"What'cha need, baby?"
"Cuddles, Bee…'n the Burd Song."
"Alright." Naruto kissed her head and laid her back in bed. He climbed in with her and grabbed the stuffed Beelzebub that sat on the shelf nearby. He curled his arm around her and rubbed his nose against her head as she cuddled with the stuffed likeness of the Sin of Gluttony.
"I'm sorry, that bumblebee doll is the likeness of what?" Weiss blinked.
"The Sin of Gluttony...So they have embodiments in this world." Pyrrha mused. "Like the Four Sisters."
"Oh, not more fairy tale stuff…" Nora groaned.
He pulled his hellphone from his pocket and slipped through some apps. "Just a short one, okay? It's late."
"Mm-kay."
"Ready?" She nodded and he waited for the beat to start up. He nuzzled her again.
Now, hush little baby, don't you cry,
everything's gonna be alright;
stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya,
Daddy's here to hold ya, through the night.
I know Mommy's not here right now, and we don't know why
We fear how we feel inside; It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But I promise, e'erythin's gon' be alright
And if you ask me to, Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
I'm-a give you the world, I'ma- buy a diamond ring for you I'm-a sing for you, he nosed and nuzzled the dozing pup and lowered his voice. I'll do anything for you to see you smile
If that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'm-a break that birdie's neck,
"Birdie no!"
"Ruby, c'mon, that was forever ago." Weiss rolled her eyes.
n' I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to ya
Get back every fuckin' carrot, don't fuck with Dad
"Goodnight, Pickle." Naruto whispered as he gently stroked his daughter's head before he planted one last kiss on her head. He slowly and quietly pulled out of the bed. She yawned and rolled into her pillow. He walked out and tapped on his phone a few times before he held it up to his ear. He waited for the recipient to answer before he snarled out three words: "Rex? Kill 'em."
"Whoa, what?!" Jaune started. "Kill who!?"
"I'm guessing the ones that kidnapped her friend." Ren mused.
"Aww, but we were gonna rescue her!" Nora groaned.
"Next time, Nora." Pyrrha appeased her. "Sorry."
"My pleasure."
He hung up at the dial tone and went back to his room. He dumped his phone onto the desk before he collapsed into his computer chair and rubbed his face. He was only twenty-two years old and he felt like he was going grey, which was very possible. He'd become an unwilling father at seventeen,
"And that's why you practice safe sex, Bae!" Yang groaned.
"What's unsafe sex? Bloody?" Ruby frowned.
"...Yes. Yes it is." Yang nodded.
"I will only ever participate in safe sex if I ever decide to."
"That's...a very mature statement to make, Ruby. I'm proud of you." Blake smiled.
"Guh! Blake's proud! Best buddy! Blake's proud!"
"Yes, I heard." Weiss snorted as her team leader squirmed happily in her seat. Curse her cute yet strange wiggle dance.
a millionaire by eighteen
"...How?!" Nora, Jaune, Weiss and Yang asked incredulously.
"Maybe he won a tournament?" Pyrrha suggested with a shrug. "It's how I got my first fortune."
Eyes turned to her. She blinked innocently.
and the head of his very own, and very successful, Mercenary Company at nineteen.
"I...That explains a lot and yet raises so many more questions!" Jaune whimpered.
"How successful? I demand to see his tax returns!" Weiss snapped.
He looked at a framed picture that sat on the desk. A much younger, thinner and black-eyed version of himself was taped up and bruised while hanging off of a pretty little lavender-colored Hellhound
"Oh, hey, it's the puppy's mom! ...She looks familiar." Ruby frowned.
"Pretty sure she was in the second scene of the show…" Blake muttered.
"Yes! Called it! That's totally the same paw that left the best puppy on the porch!" Nora pumped her fist. "She's already dead! It's a Whimsy show!"
"...Well that's one name off of my list."
and on his other side was a burlier black-furred hellhound with two functioning red eyes really helping him stand. He smiled bitterly at the innocence in their faces, this photo taken only months before his friends came together due to shared concern for him.
"Came together...h–Oh." Blake's ears perked. She gasped. "Oh my god. She cheated on him!"
"Then she got what she deserved!"
"YANG!"
"I stand by my statement." Yang sniffed and crossed her arms.
He didn't blame them, not anymore, he just couldn't afford to. He had too much to worry about, too much to stress over, and he couldn't let anyone see it.
Because all it took was one glimpse of weakness for him to lose it all.
Naruto dropped the picture down and went to bed. He had more to do tomorrow.
"Next episode?"
"Ugh, can we not?"
"Let's just see what the credits show." Ruby placated everyone as an argument started to erupt.
"Mockingbird" by Eminem still not mine.
AN: Well, that was fun! Steve and I couldn't have done it without my buddy Engineer4Ever's help!
(Yeah, this is a One-Off)