Who's That Knuckleheaded Glutton?

How it almost started: In Medias Res

"Say, Daddy-Bro–?"

"Don't call me that."

"Since you're part of my horde, what's stopping me from ordering you to–?"

"Not your horde, no." The head of Wild Things Facilitated muttered as he turned a page in the cookbook and furrowed his brow. "What the fuck is a Grey Stag?"

"Oh, you've got to try the grey stags! They're so good." The overly friendly – he didn't know he could accuse a Sin of being such – Queen Bee salivated. On her kitchen iisland. Gross.

"You know that jerky we shared earlier after we hit the Gym? That's Grey Stag meat cured and dried." A passing sweeping clone of Naru-Lzebub stopped and took mercy on the original's confused counterpart.

The bulked up, full-blooded Hound that was Naruto blinked.

"That's grey stag? Shit, that was really fucking good..."

"Yeah, it really is–Hold up!" Bee sighed before her ears perked and she zipped over to grab his shoulders. His eye twitched and his lip curled while she grinned in his face. "You and Baby bro were at the gym? Together?! TODAY?!"

"Yes..? I don't skip weight day unless I'm on a job."

"…I will come back to flirt about that later, sexy." Bee zipped off, howling into her hallway. "PRETTY PUUUPS! Mandatory Movie Morning with Bee!"

"…Should I be worried about that?" Naruto asked the clone of his counterpart.

"I don't think so?" The clone shrugged and went back to pushing his dry mop. "Bee's weird."

"Under fucking statement," the CEO muttered and went back to looking for alternate reality meals that his Hell wouldn't have and that he could flip around for a dime or a deal.

"How in the fuck did I end up babysitting?" Naru-Lzebub muttered to himself. He worked his jaw and drummed his fingers on the table his knees were pushed up against. "Should've made Kurama do this…Where is that little shit anyway?"

"Daddy said he needs ten more minutes before the cupcakes are done. Can I get you some more tea, Uncle Daddy?" The little purple-hoodie-wearing puppy asked, holding the tea set that Bee splurged on the very second she realized she had a little she-puppy in her house. Queen Bee loved her Baby Baby Bro "Cutie Rama" – Naruto is never letting the Fox live that shit down; his reaction to being babied by Bee and the other Sins was fucking hysterical – but she was elated to have a pseudo-niece the first night she arrived with her 'mother'.

The alternate Loona, "Loo", didn't take kindly to Bee snatching the pup and refused to leave the tyke alone without either himself or her father present to watch her. As the father in question was baking snacks and appropriating various culinary dimensional differences, that left the Duke of Gluttony to watch the little pup. An annoying decision, but one he couldn't hold against the puppy.

"Why of course, Princess Pickle!" Naruto chirped with a grin as he held his empty cup out. "What kind of gluttonous guest would I be if I didn't have more from such a gracious host?!"

"Can I get a copy of this?" Loo asked with a grin as she watched a large screen recording of her boyfriend surpassing the deadweight lift of a literal pseudo-Sin. She had never wanted bragging rights more than in this moment, and she usually just had to do a name drop to get that kind of satisfaction.

"Fuck, look at those pecs. I gotta convince Doof to relax more." Loon chewed on her lip. "Compact is fun but…shit, I kinda want that."

"I know, right?!" Bee gushed, grinning shamelessly. "Not to mention Dat Ass! Fuck, I want him to shit on me!"

Both Loon and Loo started to nod, but stopped and shared a look before they then stared at the Sin of Gluttony sitting with them. After a moment of silent staring, the Queen Bee looked back at the two Hellhound counterparts and arched a brow.

"What?"

"You want him to what?" Loon asked, with Loo narrowing her eyes. Bee blinked.

"I want him to sit on me," she said and paused the video mid squat. "I mean, c'mon, Pretty Pups: Look at Dat Ass! It's gotta feel amazing!"

"…That's not what I heard." Both variants muttered. The Bee present shrugged and went back to enjoying the footage with a grin on her face.

"That sounds like it's your problem."

Naruto Uzumaki, CEO of Wild Things Facilitated was hardly phased when a portal opened and another version of himself was dropped onto the kitchen floor. He simply finished putting the quiche in the oven, turning it on and sighed when the other version of himself sat up with a groan. The new Naruto blinked, opened his muzzle and pointed at him.

"Not a clone. I'm a pureblood Hel Hound, one 'L'. I'm from a different Hell like you."

"Oh so that's what that wizard did to me.." the new Naruto mumbled. He sat at the kitchen island with a grin. "So, do you date your Bae-Bee, too?"

Naruto stared at the newcomer incredulously. The new Naruto kept staring back, apparently yes, he was serious.

"No, and before you ask the counterpart of ours who lives here is her brother." The CEO held a hand up and waited a minute so that the questions could be halted. Once he was certain it was silent, he leaned on the Island. "They still fuck."

"…I'm surprisingly okay with that? I don't think I'm okay with that." The new Naruto frowned. The CEO nodded.

"It's a demon thing."

"Huh…so who are you with?"

"Like this dimensional counterpart, I'm dating Loo." A blank blue and gold eyed stare and wide smile was held. Naruto rolled his blue eyes and pulled his Hellphone – which remarkably still worked – out. "This is Loo."

"…Oh, merciful fuck." The New Naruto blanched. "I'm a Groomer! In two other dimensions!!!"

Naruto Uzumaki groaned into his clawed hands. Why were his alternate selves such idiots? It had to be their abnormally high testosterone levels.

AN: Happy 2025, all!