Chapter 2

Sonic Commits a Felony and Eggman Hires a Psychologist

That following week, Tails set about his quest to uncover the mystery behind Sonic's outrageous power bill. It may sound like a trite issue and indeed it was, but the poor boy was under intense pressure as ire rose between the villagers and their power providers. Many of them realized how dependent they were on electricity in their daily lives and how little competition there was in the industry. If they were brave enough to strong-arm Sonic, then who was to stop them from turning their tyrannical gaze on the rest of the village? Sticks was of course leading this fight against "big power," but we haven't the time to discuss such trivial matters. We may only glance at this unprecedented outcry against energy monopolies, for we must now turn to the brave heroics of Sonic the Hedgehog. Let us observe the great deeds of our generation's most upstanding hero.

"Hey, Tails. About that five grand Shadow gave me—I may or may not have blown it all on a weekend in Casino Night Zone with Amy. No, seriously, I really may or may not have. I'm drawing a blank."

Tails was utterly content as he worked at his computer and was not at all prepared to deal with Sonic's wild antics. He wanted more than anything to plow through his best buddy with his biplane but contained himself out of sheer concern for the plane's wellbeing.

"I'm not one to lecture you about morals, Sonic," Tails slammed his computer shut, "but maybe you should try to have an ounce of responsibility. You know, for the kids."

"What are you talking about? None of us have kids! Well, I don't know. After last Saturday—"

"See! That's exactly what I mean. Face it Sonic. When you're not fighting Eggman you turn into a cynical jerk." He paused. "Actually, now that I think about it, you're just a cynical jerk all the time."

"Hey, man, everybody has their vice! Who are you to judge?" Sonic grabbed a pair of pliers off a nearby shelf. "Now come help me siphon Amy's electricity while she's at therapy. Those power bills won't pay themselves and neither will I!"

"Technically, you can only siphon liquids. You just steal electricity."

"Technically, the readers don't care, Tails!"

Tails followed the not-so-heroic hedgehog to Amy's house to help carry out his crime. He made no further critique of Sonic's twisted morals, for he was secretly a cynical egotist as well, willing to do anything to receive the validation he felt he deserved from his peers.

While he was slicing into Amy's power grid, he began to realize how silly this all was, for he had long since discovered Eggman's scheme to force Sonic into a foreclosure.

"Oh yeah. I was running some tests on your house to see how many solar panels it would need, and I found that your TV was incredibly inefficient. I think it'd be best just to buy a new one."

"I've got a better idea. How about I buy a new TV and steal Amy's power? You know, that way she doesn't notice the jump in her bills."

Tails sighed and resumed his nefarious work. Just as he was about to cut the cord and commit a criminal offense, Amy came walking down the beach with Knuckles right behind her.

"And then I told that biologist, 'I'm not a monotreme, I'm an echidna!'" Knuckles said as they stepped onto her porch. "Man, where did he get his degree?"

Amy sighed. "I know, Knuckles. I was there. I was so embarrassed that I almost forgot how mortified I was last weekend when … uh, never mind."

Sonic dashed outside and stopped them at the door. "Hey, Amy! Let's talk out here and not go inside where your breaker box remains completely untouched since you left. How was therapy?"

"Oh, it was wonderful, Sonic!" she cheered, grabbing his hand. "I've completely forgotten about the black stain our weekend left on my girlish innocence."

"I didn't understand half the words in that sentence." Knuckles said with no small amount of skepticism. "Why do I feel so relieved?"

"That's great, Ames!" Sonic said, pushing them away from the door. "Why don't we all go out to Meh Burger and celebrate?"

"Okay, but where's Tails?"

"I'm in here, Amy! Just a minute."

"Tails!" Sonic shouted.

Amy walked inside and caught Tails right in the middle of cutting her wires. He threw his pliers out the window and tried to fly away, only to be pulled out of the air by Amy's brutish strength.

"I can't believe this!" she yelled. "You were trying to steal my electricity and make me pay Sonic's outrageous power bill, weren't you?"

"No," said Sonic. "We were trying to steal your electricity and make you pay my completely reasonable power bill. Tails figured it all out. Apparently, someone hacked my TV… Who was it again?"

Amy grabbed Sonic by the shoulders. "Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself, you degenerate slob!"

"I care about you guys." He pushed her away. "I just care about my TV more. And why are you mad at me? Tails was the one who sliced into your power grid."

"I don't blame Tails. He's just an egotistical maniac on a never-ending quest for your praise and admiration."

"Hey, that's not true!"

Everyone stared at him and he buckled underneath their fierce scrutiny.

"Okay, it's true. . . ."

Knuckles put his arm around Sonic. "Ha! That's what you get for relying on Tails. I bet my lightning rod idea sounds pretty sweet right now."

Amy pulled him away. "Knuckles, be a dear and go let Sticks in. She's been staring through the window for the past ten minutes."

"I'm not a deer. I'm an echidna! I'd tell you to get a biology degree, but apparently that won't teach you anything."

"You need a degree in homophones!"

"Wait, I thought I was a monotreme…"

Amy pushed Knuckles out the door and he brought in Sticks who was wielding the pair of pliers Tails had thrown outside.

She ran up to Amy, waving the pliers in her face. "Amy, I found these wire-cutters in the bushes outside your house! I think some goon was trying to steal your electricity. You know, to try an' combat the power company's rate setting."

"Wow, Sticks!" said Tails. "For once your paranoid rant is completely on-point."

"Really? Guess I need to kick it up a notch."

"You were the goon, Tails!" Amy shouted.

"Why am I not surprised?" said Sticks, walking over to Tails. "Of course the workshop wacko would try to steal everyone's electricity and leave us at the mercy of big power."

"Hey, it's not my fault! Sonic wanted to steal Amy's electricity to feed his TV addiction."

Sticks jumped on top of Amy's TV. "Then this is the perfect opportunity for you guys to ditch your TVs before the government uses them to brainwash you. In fact, you shouldn't rely on electricity at all since alien overlords are lying in wait for a solar flare to wipe us off the grid before invading us."

Amy helped her down from the TV. "Sticks is right about the former. What we need is to ditch our TVs and learn to enjoy nature."

"Ha! I've run all over the world, Ames." Sonic scoffed. "I've seen more nature than all you guys combined."

"You never look at nature!" Amy shouted. "You run right past it like it's a blushing girl desperately seeking your attention. Well, you're not running away anymore. You're going to sit with her, enjoy her, breathe in her sweet, beautiful fragrance, and find utter peace and tranquility!"

"I think Amy just transitioned from talking about nature to talking about herself," said Tails.

"I know." Knuckles said, taken aback. "It was so suggestive it almost got cut from the script. She needs to be more careful."

"I'm with ya, Amy." Sticks said, patting her on the back. "I could use some peace and tranquility after what I went through this morning. Some power company sympathizer left this envelope full of white powder on my doorstep, but don't worry. I threw it in the river, upstream from the village."

"I wanna get tranquilized first!" shouted Knuckles.

Tails walked over to the group. "Well, I've been wanting to do some geological field work ever since I read that book on zeolites. I'm in!"

Amy crossed her arms and glanced at Sonic. "Care to join us, Sonic?"

"On a leisurely walk through the jungle? I think I'm with Knuckles on the whole getting tranquilized thing."

"Let's go, gang!" Amy ran out the door while the others followed her enthusiastically, save for Sonic who dragged himself along at a lethargic pace.

Shadow stood behind the bar at his new café, Chaos Brews, wiping off the counter in anticipation of his first customer. He hoped to Chaos it wasn't Sonic. Amy would be preferrable, but she'd probably want something offensively sweet. Out of everyone on the island, Shadow thought Tails was the only one who could appreciate straight, black coffee—the drink of intellectuals.

The door swung open and Eggman stepped into the café, observing the interior with his hands on his hips. "Well, this place is trendy. I knew it was worth a visit."

"Doctor, what are you doing here?" Shadow asked leaning over the bar.

"Is that how you greet all your customers? No wonder this place is empty." He sat down at the bar and stared at Shadow. "If you must know, I had planned on attacking the village while Sonic and his friends were out on a nature hike, but then I saw this new, trendy café and had to visit."

Shadow waved him away. "Well, go destroy the village. You'll drive off my customers if you sit here."

"What a shame." His moustache drooped. "You've got this prime piece of real-estate and you're running it into the ground with that bad attitude. I bet I could run this café better than you. Who am I kidding? I know I can."

He crossed his arms. "Are you going to order something?"

"Fine." He glanced at the menu. "Give me a Palmtree Panic with cream, sugar, two shots of espresso, and lightly frothed. Oh, and make sure you add the espresso before you froth it, you know, so it doesn't mess up the foam. I hate it when they do that."

Shadow grabbed a pitcher and poured him a cup of black coffee. "Here."

Eggman looked at the cup and grimaced. "This isn't what I ordered!"

"No, it is. That'll be fifty rings."

He slammed his fist on the table. "So you only take rings, huh? What kind of elitist establishment is this?"

"The kind that only serves real coffee."

Eggman screamed and swatted his cup away, shattering it on the floor.

Shadow stared at the mess. "You'll pay for that . . . in rings."

"This is outrageous!" He jumped up from the bar. "I was going to destroy the village, but now I've decided to destroy your café so I can build my own and show you how to run a proper business."

He pushed a button on his patented Egg Wristwatch and several Beebots crashed through the windows. Shadow jumped over the counter and promptly destroyed them all with a flurry of precise Chaos spears. He then narrowed his gaze on Eggman who was trying to tip-toe out the door.

"You're paying for that, too."

Eggman sighed. "Fine. Thankfully, I have villain insurance even though they make me pay exorbitantly high premiums because they mistakenly think I never win. Anyway, you better keep the coffee hot, hedgehog! Soon, I'll be back with the perfect robot to crush you and your entrepreneurial dreams."

"How the heck am I supposed to defeat Shadow with a robot?" Eggman asked, swiveling around in his chair.

Cubot jumped onto his desk. "Why don't you make the ultimate coffee pot and use it to challenge Shadow to a brew off? I know! You can call it the coffee bot."

Eggman smacked him away. "What do you think I am, some comic-relief villain?" He paused. "Don't answer that. I want to pulverize Shadow and his upstart café into the ground. I already know I can make a better cup of coffee."

Orbot raised his hand. "If I may, sir, I once read in Shadow's character bio that he suffers PTSD from a traumatic event in his early life involving the loss of a childhood friend. May I suggest using that to your advantage?"

"That's it!" Eggman jumped out of his chair. "Psychological warfare. I don't have to build a robot at all. I'll just hire an assistant who looks like my deceased cousin, Maria and have her defeat Shadow for me. It's brilliant!"

Cubot hopped over to him. "Wait, boss, are you saying you can't beat Shadow, so you're gonna hire somebody else to do it?"

Eggman growled at him. "I'm still the mastermind behind it all. You know, it's like one of those stories where the hero finally defeats the bad guy only to find out that there's an even stronger bad guy waiting for him at the end?" He stroked his moustache. "Why do I feel like I've been in several such stories? Anyway, let's see if we can find a suitable candidate to traumatize Shadow."

He activated his computer and began searching through a database of doctoral dissertations on evil. As the hours went by, he grew less and less optimistic about his plan.

"Who wrote this trash?" he roared. "The effect of various evil laughs on the fight-or-flight responses in middle-aged women? Defining evil: What is the villain but a series of value judgements? Were these even peer-reviewed?" He rubbed his face and sighed. "They just don't make evil PhDs like they used to."

Orbot and Cubot looked at each other and frowned. They knew the doctor was only reading the worst dissertations to massage his ego.

"Dr. Eggman," Orbot began, "May I suggest searching by phenotype? You only need someone who looks like Maria."

Eggman stroked his chin. "Well, I wanted someone who was my intellectual equal, but naturally, that's impossible to find. I'll just use my facial recognition software to find a woman who matches this photo of Maria."

"It's just like last Valentine's Day when you tried to find your dream girl who looked like that model from—"

Eggman shut down Cubot and swiped his hands across the keyboard. Several profiles popped up on his screen. He clicked through them and shook his head.

"These women might satisfy the average Shadaria shipper, but they won't fool Shadow. They're missing Maria's trademark youthful innocence."

"And simply her youth." said Orbot. "All these women have PhDs in the evil sciences, so might I suggest lowering your expectations?"

"Be quiet!" Eggman snapped. "I've found her."

He scrolled through the profile. "Oh, this is uncanny. . . . Mariah Otomech, PhD in villain psychology. Well, it'll have to do. . . . Just look at her, Orbot. She's the very image of my cousin, that is, if my cousin was pushing thirty and popping Prozac like candy."

"I don't know." Orbot tapped his round chin. "She looks like a very disturbed individual. The hair and the eyes check out, but the smile is so . . . melancholy and unsettling. If I was Shadow, I wouldn't be fooled."

Eggman furrowed his brow. "She's got a PhD in villain psychology. What did you expect? I'll just shoot her an email and ask if we can set up an interview.

He drafted the email and sent it. "An automated response! Great, she's on vacation. . . . Wait a second." He grinned. "It looks like she's getting some R&R on Sonic's tropical island paradise. Well, let's hope she doesn't mind a working vacation."